Just don't know what to do. Can anyone talk?

[Hoolioho]

NC for this as situation probably noticeable to a few people close to me.

I feel so fed up in my marriage to DH at the moment but don't know what to do. I feel like I have absolutely no options.

We've been together 6 years, married for 3 and share one DC who is 2.

The issues in the main are a few things.

Firstly he works a lot. Not necessarily a bad thing but I end up feeling like work is the only thing that matters to him. He owns his own business and I work in it with him (I'm also a partner but own less of a percentage than he does due to being off with our child some days a week). He has an amazing work ethic and he's built a thriving business from the ground up with next to no money and turned it into a profitable business. I'm proud of him but at the same time it's completely all consuming, it makes him stressed, he works 7 days a week often and when he is home he doesn't do anything else. I feel like our lives are basically work, watch TV, talk about work, bed.

I do absolutely everything at home and for our child. I also work 3 days a week in the business. I feel like he can just come and go as he pleases, come in have a shower, have a nap whenever he wants when he gets home etc.. whereas I have to ask if it's okay for me to do those things because he'll need to watch DC. Basically it feels like it's a given DC is my responsibility and anything he does for them is seen as a favour to me.

A big issue for us is his moods at the weekend. He tends to be okay on a Saturday when he's working most of the day but on a Sunday when he occasionally has the day off it's like he'd rather pull teeth than spend time with us. He acts like a stroppy teenager sometimes, saying he's bored, face like a slapped bum, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. He's a completely different person mood wise compared to the week when he's working. I feel like I walk on eggshells every time he doesn't go into work. When he does agree to go anywhere with us the smallest things set him off and I feel constantly on high alert or like I'm having to keep him happy. For example, he agreed to go on a walk with us today and on the way we hit some roadworks and were diverted adding about 10 minutes onto the journey. I knew immediately that was it. The day was ruined and we wouldn't be going.

I don't know what to make of anything. Half the days I feel like I don't love him and half the days I feel like I do. His moods are all over the place. One day you can have a joke with him, the next you can't. One day he's all lovey and normal and the next he's depressed and moping around and I feel on edge.

We don't go on holidays, we don't spend any real time together doing anything. I often fantasize about just living me and DC.

But this is where I feel trapped. Because everything I have is tied to him. Even my job because we work together. I feel like I can't leave, I'd lose my work because realistically it would be absolutely unsustainable working together, I'd lose time with my DC, I'd lose my home and be unlikely to afford to buy by myself.

I feel like I'm going through life either trying to appease whatever mood he's in or just living completely separately. I have been on holiday, I do go out to places often with DC but not with him. I go by myself or with family/friends. Is that really a marriage? I feel like I do nothing enjoyable with him. The only time we spend together is watching TV or working or talking about work.

He's tired and stressed with the business I totally appreciate that but I just feel completely neglected as a family. He's utterly impossible to talk to about it though because everything just comes back to how hard he works, how tired he is etc.. I feel like our whole life revolves around him and his business (I know I'm a partner but it was his dream, not mine) and he can never just put himself out for one weekend to do something with us and actually slap a smile on whilst he does it.

Sorry for the long post. I'm just at a loss. I really really don't know what to do. I feel like I'd be losing everything if I left.

(Childcare costs are not just YOUR cost - he would have to pay too. If I were you i would get another job and then start to extricate yourself now before years have past and it's too late (see threads ad infinitim).)

I would leave if I were you. This isn’t going to get any better. He’s just not making any effort. You deserve more than this.

go on date nights with their partners

That just reminded me, we went on a meal a little while ago (after me asking and asking) and I felt like we were actually having a nice conversation and he couldn't get the bill quick enough when the food was finished (literally just put my fork down). I said I was enjoying just talking to you and he said 'we can talk at home'. He just never wants to be out or doing anything. It doesn't sound as bad written down but together with everything else it was just another example of him making me feel he doesn't really want to spend any time with me.

I wouldn't be asking anyone if I could have a shower so they'd watch their own child.

As someone who has also worked extremely long hours and hard, and got paid well for it, I hate these kind of responses like @forgotoldusername

Yes, there is probably an expectation that you do more around the house but you should not have to do it all and also carry the emotional timebomb of your husbands moods

Yes, it's great that he's working for your future, but if that future ends with a neglected wife and a child who doesn't really know their father then what is the point.

OP, I think it's also telling he's not close to his family and perhaps sees this as normal.

I think it's time to suck it up, put your big girl pants on and have a very difficult conversation. I know this sounds kind of patronising so sorry but I always find not using statements like 'you always do xyz' and sticking to 'when you do x, it makes me feel y'. Less accusatory and likely to get defensive.

But I would perhaps be clear on a timeframe and what you expect...but also what will happen if things don't change. Remember, you're not asking him to work less, just be present when at home and make an attempt at connecting with you both.

And as for your worry about losing everything: I would suggest your DC will be far happier in a smaller house, not having to tip toe around their father than in a nice house with an absent one. I would also be very surprised if your DH went for 50/50 so it's unlikely you'd have much less time with your DC

Not knowing him, I don't know if this would work, but if that was my DH, I would sit down with him and say: You work incredibly hard and I admire, love and respect you for it. But I have noticed that you don't really allow yourself much time off for pleasure and fun as a family. I don't want you to miss out. Please would you consider having some days out all together. Maybe taking up a hobby as a family taht will bring us close - like cycling or sailing or camping. or going to galleries adn tehatre etc if that's mor ehis sort of thing.

Ask him what he would love to spend time doing if he never had to work. Ask what he considers a successful family life and successful father-child relationship to be. You might have to tread very carefully and ask casually and not all at once, but try to find out what would bring him pleasure that would also enhance family life and then start to introduce it on your weekends.

That's if he is open to this. Will be impossible if he refuses to discuss it.

If you divorce, the assets will be divided 50/50 as a starting point. It could end up going more to you to provide an equitable standard of living to what he can provide, if its 50/50, or it could be he has to pay both you and his ex maintenance for his children.

I think if you talk to a solicitor, you will find he would also not want the consequences of divorce. And that could be the basis of a conversation.

How is he going to parent all his children, and manage the business without your support? He needs to have some appreciation and respect for what you do for him.

I agree that the knee jerk reaction shouldn't be LTB but OP shouldn't be treated with such distain by her husband either.

It sounds like he treats her really badly. I'm sure OP would be more than happy to do the lions share in the home to enable her DH to run the family business if he showed his appreciation for her contribution. And that he showed some enthusiasm about actually spending time with her and their DC.

If I were the OP I'd be making my feelings known and asking DH why he doesn't enjoy family time. Is it because he's stressing about work or because he's checked out of the marriage?

I think it would be really valuable to get a job outside of the (his) business. When my DH set up a business he asked me to work in it and jointly own and I said no. He was perhaps temporarily affronted but I didn't want all our eggs in one basket and I didn't want to become colleagues. It's too much to both be colleagues and marriage partners.

So could you make an argument about the spreading the risk/eggs in one basket angle?

I think having your own income will give you more confidence in an escape route should you need it.

it was like that for me and it felt lonely as hell seeing families enjoying time together.

OP, this is really sad reading. He sounds like he could not be bothered with you and your DC, and married you for free childcare including his kids from previous marriage.

I will end it. He is checked out of the family life and using your good will to only propel his business.

Be strong!

This situation is unfair to any of you, including him. My husband didn't realize at the time how much he lost out on with our girls and family life. He mentions it sometimes, had apologized to me and both of them. He does make time for them and our grandkids now, and he loves them, but we can't get back those years no matter how much he regrets it.

From my own experience, I highly recommend individual counseling. My self-esteem is better but the biggest advantage is having guidance and the tools to help deal with him and our marriage. It's not perfect but I'm stronger and we communicate more. My biggest regret is that I wasted so many years, stuck in the same rut, because I was afraid to ask for professional help.

I hope things improve, but you may have to make your life better without his help. One step at a time is better than none at all.

Your DH sounds like a workaholic, he sounds like he’s very happy doing what he does.

Practically speaking, is the house in joint names?
Do you get wage slips? Do you have a joint account where earnings and bills are paid.

You either put up and shut up or leave in my opinion.
Make your own life, with friends and family if you want to keep the house. Just ensure you can record your income and contributions, should you ever split. I’d probably get some legal advice. Are you able to access the business accounts? I would be taking copies!

I think the competitive “I work hard so deserve a rest” posts are very unhelpful.
I work very hard in a senior medical role - often working out of hours also (nights / Sundays).

I also do all the house work, and have a 3 year old, and care for a disabled husband. Yes we have a cleaner 3 days a week that folds laundry/changes the beds when asked. But 98% of the work is me.

I still manage to smile, be positive, be an active engaged parent, and don’t make my partner feel unhappy/like he can’t talk to me.

what happens if you open your conversation with “I’m feeling really sad/hopeless/hurt, can you help me please?”

If you only have a small percentage of the business due to only being able for work a few days a week for providing FREE UNPAID CHILDCARE for his children, then I'd be sending him an invoice for 4 days a week childcare

I'm in a similar position to you practically OP, DH works for himself with me involved in the business part time and doing the vast majority of childcare and house stuff. So DH has pretty much all the responsibility and stress of bringing in the money and works really long hours with huge amounts of driving thrown in for good measure.

I'm telling you all this to highlight that your DH has absolutely no excuse for the way he is behaving and when he shuts down your (perfectly reasonable) objections and gets defensive he is denying you a voice in this marriage. My DH behaves nothing like yours, he loves his work but can't wait to get back to us once it's done and is fully engaged and visibly happy in our company despite being knackered most of the time. What you are enduring is in no way excusable just because he carries the financial load.