I need to leave him but I’m fucked

[brokenandlost]

I am done. H has cheated me in the past, and whilst I wasn’t naive enough to think he would never do it again, financially I am far better off with my kids to stay.
surprise surprise he has, I don’t find myself upset, I feel utterly disgusted with what I’ve seen. 🤮

Financially I will be broke to find another place to stay. I can’t do that on my wage and being a single parent I have two jobs, one of which I will no longer be able to do due to childcare. Currently we pay no rent as the house was purchased for us. I don’t even know how I’d get by.

I’ve tolerated years of this bullshit knowing that on the plus side my children and I get everything we need and want, and we don’t struggle.

the con is just the shitty fake relationship I am in.
he will do literally anything and everything for me, to others he seems kind and friends say I’m so lucky. But every now and again it’s like he can compartmentalise and do this to me.

I have nowhere to go, no family, but I know I should stay where I am house wise. He is minimising what went on with the evidence I found but I know in my heart this is the icing on the cake and there’s way more I don’t know.

I am utterly broken. I am barely meeting my kids needs today, I feel like a shit mother but I’m paralysed with the stress and trying to hold back my panic attacks. I am struggling to function and desperate trying to get myself on my feet.

I just need to talk to someone so I can see some light ahead. I’ve honestly checked out emotionally a long time ago and been happy enough to live my life comfortably with my children. But I honestly can’t cope knowing what I know now. I’m by myself and I don’t know how to juggle kids, job and getting out of here, in this climate

OP I'm so sorry.

Is the house in your husband's name? You say it was "purchased for you", I assume this was by his family, but did they put him on the deeds or is he just an unofficial tenant? If he is on the deeds then I believe you could have a claim on the value of the house, but you'd need to seek proper legal advice.

In any event he would of course be either paying maintenance and/or childcare costs. Have you worked out possible scenarios based on his salary? The drop in standard of living may be not as bad as you think.

Are you married? Who owns the house you are living in?

How much does he know that you know? Do you have to act right away, or can you take some time to plan?

One thing is clear - as far as you are concerned, this relationship is dead.

Take some deep breaths, wash your face, run cold water on your wrists. Anything calming, as often as you like.

Choice is to stay and turn a blind eye whilst you get things in place for you, maybe even start looking for a new partner before you leave? Or leave straight away and take it a step at a time. Whatever is best FOR YOU, do that, regardless of what it is.

Can you for now ask him to leave? You need time and space to get your head together. Many legal firms offer 30 minutes of free advice too, I’d take that up. Look into any benefits you might be entitled to, and use the CMS calculator to see how much maintenance he will need to pay.

you haven’t got to struggle, and you certainly don’t need to be held hostage. He will still need to support you and your children when separated but you need to know what you’re entitled to from the government and from him. If the house is in his name then you’ll be entitled to either stay there with the children or a portion of the equity.

in the meantime you need him out of your hair whilst you sort all of this out. These dirtbag husbands need the shock of their lives.

So sorry this has happened to you.
Does he know that you have found out?
As a pp has said, are you able to ask him to leave?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Take a few deep breaths and hold your head up.

Go see a solicitor, most hold a few minutes phone call for basic rights but make sure you have a list of questions first.

Your rights are different if you are married. Also as to who owns the house.

While you are waiting get all important paperwork together. Passports, birth certificates, bank statements, wage slips, pension statements. Yours and his.

In the meantime ask him to leave. If he refuses there's not much you can do, but certainly ask for a breathing space. He might do it if he thinks its temporary.

thank you for the responses. I am a bit fragile just now so I was frightened at the prospect of responses. I’m trying to write down anything relevant.

we have been married for over ten years. We got the house over 2 years ago after living in a place together for the previous 13 years. We have been financially comfortable due to wealth on his family’s side. he is on the deeds.

We rely on him quite a bit for school runs and child care , as he drives. I hate the prospect of him being in our lives forever, however I suspect he would take less interest in the kids if we seperate.

I have put in a callback request for a family lawyer. I have no idea what I am doing.

he knows I know. I have drained every piece of information out of every piece of technology. There’s nothing else to find. He’s deleted things but I’ve found evidence in places he’d never think of.

The relationship has been quite imbalanced in the sense that I’ve never been able to let my guard down after the first time he cheated.
I can’t call him my husband.
i don’t wear my rings, they’re long gone thrown out.
he on the other hand goes around being proud as punch about his wife, encourages me to do everything I dream even if it’s at his expense, and puts himself aside for me and the kids. We always come first. On the outside it must look like a dream.

when our backs are turned, he’s a different person in a different life.

Do you have your own bank account with any child maintenance paid into it ?

Okay so as you are married and have a long marriage with children you will be entitled to split the equity of the house regardless of whether you are on the deeds. All the detail of that split will depend on exact circumstances. Well done on getting a solicitor, hopefully they can reassure you. Is there no mortgage on the house?

If he’s generous, use this time to learn to drive, and to retrain/ upskill

Start planning

So sorry to read your post OP. As someone who's been there, I know the feeling.

It's really hard but you need to think:

Option A
Appear to turn 'blind eye and for the next 2 years or so, start building up your own finances. Say you know about his affairs but you love him deeply and are prepared to forgive. IN the meantime, get your ducks in a row. If you've a poor pension, ask him to agree to pay in to this on a regular basis to make it up; ensure you're claiming Child Benefit (even if it needs paying back in and this contributions to the years needed for a full state pension; find a safe, secure place unknown to him and build up some cash reserves. Can you get yourself on the deeds? Say it's a sign of his commitment to the relationship. Do all this now as his upset and apologies having been found out won't last very long.

If it's too hard to do this, get him out of the house on the pretext of the relationship needing a break.

Option B
Stay in the house and ask him to leave. He doesn't have to and as long as he owns it, he can access any time.

Option C
Leave with children. Not the best option.

I agree with those saying stay for the meantime and get your ducks in a row. Speak to the solicitor and find out what you’d be entitled to in the event of a split. Think about how you can increase your earning potential and if you can stand staying with him for longer, use the time/money to get those qualifications.
Re. The children. Would things get easier if you stick it out for abit longer, I.e., would they be old enough to take a bus to school, for example? Could you move closer to their school ?

Think things through and talk to a trusted friend if that would help. 💐

Can you think of him as a generous roommate (and MAKE him be generous) while you get your financial house in order for a few years?

Horrible situation. Start planning.
You can’t drive? Get him to pay for driving lessons, then a car. Register the car in your name and go for a low/ no road tax, low insurance.
Start putting any money you can into your own bank account. DON’T bin jewellery — sell it. Put away money from wherever you can.
You will get out of this, you might need to bide your time a little to make sure you don’t leave with nothing.

By all means, get qualified to secure a job/higher paid job but I'd be wary of taking up such a post before the divorce is settled. Any salary you earn will be taken into account. You might feel you don't want any further to do with him and want to be financially independent but think if you want to be a single parent with a full time job juggling care of your kids. It is VERY hard work. I wish I had just got a part time job pre divorce rather than work myself into the ground doing FT work and looking after kids in evenings/weekends on coming home.

My ex had very good legal advice. He resigned from his FT very well paid job (think £65k plus); immediately reduced his cms payment; argued he was too old to get another job; drew down the pension I'd supported him in accumulating. He knows does nothing whilst I have to work FT to earn what he draws down as an early pension.

Do you think you could stick it out for the financial good short term? Pretend to forgive him and get on the deeds

No mortgage.

The fucker ironically told me no when I said I wanted to take lessons. It’s the only time he’s said no to me for anything. I wanted to get a small automatic to help me get to work.

If you’ve got a credit card, quietly book a series of lessons and get on with it. It’ll be too late by the time he notices and you can tell him there’s no refunds on cancelled lessons.

we don’t have a joint bank account. I hold the majority of savings and money in my accounts. Any tax credits, child benefit, DLA, all goes into my account. However, any of the bills we do have come out of my account too.

this is because historically he was awful for getting into debt and his mother bailing him out.

this always made me uncomfortable because my father used to hold all the money in his accounts and would barely give my mother any money for us. It was quite triggering. Nevertheless he insisted that this way he would be able to budget with his monthly income.

When the children were young, he was sacked from his job and I had to stop being a SAHM and take on work. I have worked full time ever since and swapped roles. I encouraged him to retrain and find something he enjoyed as he was so miserable at his job prospects. He used to do the childcare, and as they got older they went into playgroup. He used that time while they were at playgroup to fuck around.

He did indeed manage to get into the career he wanted but it was never fully full time due to childcare needs.

As of this year he got a new job and is full time. We share everything equally now with childcare, and it helps that a lot of our time is WFH.

I have been going through his bank accounts today and his parents support him constantly. If the kids are doing anything, camps etc, I will pay, but they seem to be sending money to his account so they will pay instead. He never tells me this, nor reimburses me (not that I’m fussed because I do have money) They drop money in his account and pay for so much I don’t know about.

I just found 5k they sent him being silently shifted into another bank account.

no matter what happens, he will always be supported by them, I have no one but myself.

You sound very competent and independent. I think you will be fine on your own. You may be eligible for UC to cover up to 80% of your childcare. Council Tax is 25% lower for a single adult. Look on entitledto.com It's worth it to get your dignity back. And yes, the house could be a marital asset - 10 years plus kids is a long marriage.

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