Is shouting abuse?

[applesandoranges6]

He shouts 90% of the time, in fact there is never a day without shouting.

I am scared to do simple things because he storms down the stairs and shouts. He has a particular issue with anything that causes mess and needs to be cleaned up. For example, he shouts and gets cross if I want to boil pasta because it means the saucepan will need washing. He doesn't let me do things like pasta sauce etc because he says I do it wrong, so he will insist he does it. The only things I'm allowed to make in the kitchen are simple meals that involve minimal washing up after. I am not allowed to bake cakes or do anything like that, he would have a meltdown.

I am also not allowed to clean - he would shout and say I'm doing it wrong. He gets cross and starts screaming at me if I get up before 8:30 on a weekday (we sleep separately) because he says I make noise around the house and he wants to sleep until 8:50.

He is not physically abusive and when I say this is verbal abuse, he says shouting is not abuse and there is no law against shouting.

He also says he only shouts because it's the only way I'll listen.

Sounds like abuse. You need to think about whether this is a relationship you'd be happy for your child to be in

Who is this?

Whoever it is, though, no this is very far from acceptable. You need to leave, and soon. Are you able to just get out now, or is this someone you have children with?

From what you describe - definitely.

That sounds like terrible life for you. Do you have ideas for changing it?

Yes. This sounds completely unreasonable. Have you been able to talk to him about this or are you scared of him? If you are scared, get help from Women’s Aid.

No children involved thank god

I have tried to talk to him millions of times. He doesn't think he's unreasonable and says I drive him to shout

This is no way to live. Yes this is abuse. No adult has the right give their partner restrictions in this way. This is not normal or acceptable behaviour OP and it sounds like it would be useful to get some perspective from outside the home and share this information with friends and family if you can.

This, to.me, is a very very abusive relationship.
He's using aggression, in the form of shouting, to control your day to day existence. Making you live in an atmosphere of intimidation and fear.

He's training you to behave how he deems fit, how he demands and how he wants.

This is not ok.

This is very very very far from OK.

If OK was London, you're on the fucking moon.

At the first opportunity, as soon as it is safe and practical, you need to leave, vanish, disappear and cut this person out of your life completely.

Call women's aid and research the freedom program. This is not ok, not at all.

Google: DARVO

It's never your fault OP. Never ever ever. That's just another form of coercive controlling behaviour.

Jesus Christ just leave. That's a hideous way to live and yes it's abusive. Abuse isn't just hitting and actually from past experience the walking on eggshells for days/weeks/months on end was soul destroying and just as bad as anything physical.

MN as a body is too quick to call abuse, but yes, this is abuse @applesandoranges6

Been there, done that.

If you’re painting an accurate picture of the situation then this is terrible; you must be constantly walking on eggshells.

It’s a long, long way from acceptable. Is there anything keeping you there?

Could you call one of the women’s charities and talk to someone?

You can't cook pasta or clean? WTF, now I've heard everything. You need to leave ASAP

None of that is normal behaviour. He has deep issues!

If you don't get away from this lunatic, your MH and confidence will suffer.

It is abuse.

Shouting pre se is not necessary abuse but his controlling behaviour and shouting most certainly is. Leave as soon as you can. If you have nowhere to go contact Women’s Aid.

He's controlling and abusive. He stops you doing things and shouts at you for doing things.

You're an adult and should be able to do what you want.

Can you leave him?

He makes you feel shit and says it's your fault? That's abusive.

Doesn't matter if he's shouting or not. You are never the cause of someone else's behaviour. If they try to make you think you are, they are abdicating responsibility for their behaviour. But they are responsible, because adults, simply, are responsible for themselves.

Yes this is abusive. You do not have to live like this.

The not allowing you to cook is also abusive, get rid!

Please please get help - this is awful - you should not live your one precious life like this.

This sounds awful and definitely abusive

This is not ok. Leave asap.

He's not letting you cook
He's not letting you wake up earlier.
He's blaming you for his behaviour
He's an abusive twat.
Leave, leave leave.
You deserve so much more, please don't stay in this miserable relationship.

OP, just look at the number of times you've used the word 'allowed'.

You are an adult. You don't need his permission to do anything.

The shouting is a control mechanism. Ignore it.

Ignore him. You don't need him or his permission.

Get rid and do just exactly as you please.