How much fantasising is normal?

[Jennisted]

Genuinely?

Because I find it hard to find a TV show or film that my partner hasn't mind f*cked someone from it! It's making me feel icky tbh.

One or two celeb crushes, fine. But this much feels OTT to me and seriously impacting my self esteem. I don't want to sit and watch stuff together with people he's thinking like that about constantly!

Am I being unreasonable and this is just a guy thing?

@Jennisted

I’m sorry that you’ve suffered abuse. That must have been horrendously difficult. It might mean that you’re more sensitive to and/or vigilant about things which might bother less someone who hasn’t been through what’s you’ve been through.

He does sound a bit at the sleazy end of the scale, perhaps a bit predatory. There may well be men around whom you would feel more comfortable but maybe you would do better exploring your attraction to women.

But really, for me, it’s what Watchkeys said: the measure of whether it’s okay is whether it’s okay for you and it clearly isn’t.

Just leave him already. All this analysing is stopping you from living your life.

I’ve just read your previous thread. This is the disgusting fuck who told you that your stories of childhood sexual abuse turned him on. Get rid of him NOW. All of it is him, not you. You deserve so much better.

It's not just the celebrities, it's the online perving too.

I’m sorry that you’ve suffered abuse. That must have been horrendously difficult. It might mean that you’re more sensitive to and/or vigilant about things which might bother less someone who hasn’t been through what’s you’ve been through.

I think it's just that it makes women more aware of hints of dodginess when they see them.

This is the disgusting fuck who told you that your stories of childhood sexual abuse turned him on.

😱😮😰 Ugh! Run @Jennisted

Well that makes things somewhat different.

I did post I need to leave him, no ifs and buts and I stick by that. If you look at my previous posts, he's said something pretty awful and concerning. It doesn't mean I can't try and figure out the factors in the relationship and where they lay with not necessarily outright blame but the unhealthiness of them.

You are certainnly not the first poster on this board to post multiple threads about the same awful relationship with the same dreadful man, each time trying to get advice on the one issue that's bothering you this time and avoiding mentioning the other much worse issues for which you've previously said you'll definitely leave him.

You won't get good advice if you post about one issue at a time without mentioning the other stuff. And going round and round in your head trying to work out why he does it and what is normal and acceptable is totally and utterly pointless. You should have left him after what he said about your past abuse. If you are sticking by your 'no ifs and buts', then just leave. Stop analysing a dead relationship- it's just a way of avoiding action.

I'm not analysing the relationship for this relationship, that's dead, I'm doing it for me.

Is all of this all symptoms of the same predatory vileness?
Do men, in general, behave like this? Or was this one of the early signs?

Is all of this all symptoms of the same predatory vileness?

yes, he’s clearly sick in the head and totally lacks respect and empathy for you.

Do men, in general, behave like this? Or was this one of the early signs?

no, only total wankers behave like your STBX.

Is objectification of women a sexuality?
If so, we definitely aren't compatible

'Is objectification ok with you' is the question. If not, stay away from people who do it. It's no more complicated than that.

Yeah viewing women through a lens of whether or not you would shag them, and displays of cringeworthy thirst are really not attractive qualities.

Dump him and try dating women for a while, see how you feel.

Can anyone link the other thread if op doesn’t mind?

Of course not. I didn't post separately to be awkward. I'm trying to identify the early markers of someone like this.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4615346-is-this-abuse-reaction-normal

Thanks op, I’ll take a look. 🙂

Wow Jenni that was quite a read, he sounds absolutely vile. Watch keys have you some great advice on the last thread.

I can understand how bpd may muddy those boundary waters for you, but something to work on. Do you have any therapy at all?

Things I look out for as early identifiers of this type

-Letching rather than glancing especially in the early days.
-Social media - follows a lot of half naked teenager/straight up porn accounts
-Excessive porn use
-Repeated Erection/delayed ejeculation issues
-Im gonna get shot down for this one but men who refer to grown women as “girls”
-Always seems to make new female friends but interestingly no men

Yeah the "girls" thing, imagine if women said "boys" 🤢
Sleaziness is an instant turnoff. Also sharing porn with friends.

Do men, in general, behave like this? Or was this one of the early signs

What difference does it make? Stay away from what you don't like. If men in general behave like this, do you think that that means you should put up with it? It doesn't. It would just mean that you need to look for a man who isn't defined by 'general' man-rules. And if it's one of the early signs, you'd be leaving too.

Ask yourself why you're asking these questions. Why are you analysing the reasons why people might treat you in ways you don't like? Why do you care, when the only thing to do with them in order for you to be happy is to exclude them from your life anyway?