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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse reaction normal?

44 replies

Jennisted · 20/08/2022 06:57

My sexual history is literally all abuse unfortunately.
Started with my older sister in my childhood, went onto 2 rapes by 12 years old and then a sexual assault with a large group of boys and a girl.
I then entered an 18 year relationship with someone who coerced me for sex.
Safe to say my self esteem is low, I have insecurities and I have an angry over reaction to objectification in general, on TV and anywhere else. I'm pretty paranoid my current partner is imagining all sorts and I hate it, think it's because I never, ever feel enough.

We've had conversations about where this has stemmed from but when I mention the past sexual abuse he doesn't want details in case it turns him on.
He says he can't possibly imagine me in pain so in these events, in his head, he'll have me 'enjoying' it and he's worried he'll get turned on, so I can't speak about anything that happened in much detail (especially the older sister one as he has a bit of a girl on girl fantasy)
I honestly don't know what to make of it.
Does one not tend to cover details with partners anyway so no big deal? Or is this disturbing, which was my initial reaction to it.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/08/2022 06:59

Yeah that's a pretty horrifying response OP, I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I'd suggest distancing yourself from your partner very, very quickly.

MsChatterbox · 20/08/2022 07:00

I would be disturbed by it too. I blame the porn culture. It regularly mimics abusive situations. I'm not sure I could be with someone that would get turned on hearing about my abuse.

dreammattemousse · 20/08/2022 07:04

I actually just put my hand over my mouth

Run op
Run like the fucking wind

Get some therapy and find someone who isn't a twisted pervert

Honestly, you must know this isn't right?

Tiny2018 · 20/08/2022 07:05

Your partners response made my stomach turn OP, that is so far from a normal response to your trauma.

I'm sorry but your partner does not care for you the way he should, he also not only objectifies you, but gets off on the idea of you being abused.

Get rid of those vile cretin of a man.

Cactuslove · 20/08/2022 07:08

One of the most awful things I've read on here to be honest. You deserve so much more. What's that saying on here? If someone shows you who they are, listen.... and in your case, run.

Original poster
Jennisted · 20/08/2022 07:09

dreammattemousse · 20/08/2022 07:04

I actually just put my hand over my mouth

Run op
Run like the fucking wind

Get some therapy and find someone who isn't a twisted pervert

Honestly, you must know this isn't right?

I was disturbed by it but then thought that maybe it is wasn't the done thing to actually go into details with a partner anyway?
It's played on my mind enough to ask here! I worry that I don't have a normal perception of response due to my past.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 20/08/2022 07:09

WTactualF. Not he's not being normal at all. Sicko. I'm sorry for your trauma.

Cyberworrier · 20/08/2022 07:11

That sounds like the response of a man who watches / has watched too much porn and it's affected his sexual tastes in a disturbing way. I heard something on radio 4 about this yesterday with Louise perry. I agree with the others I think you need to distance yourself, as that is such a disturbing and inappropriate response to you opening up about your assaults. I am so sorry by the way, what terrible things you've experienced and to carry the impact around must be a huge weight. Do you have support? Have you ever had trauma focused therapy? I have, for trauma in an abusive relationship, and it helped a lot.

category12 · 20/08/2022 07:18

On the one hand, I'd be very careful about sharing details of trauma with partners anyway. It can so easily be weaponised against you.

On the other hand, his reaction is very strange- it's "saying the quiet part out-loud" if you get me. He's saying he gets turned on by rape & abuse.

Red flag.

Original poster
Jennisted · 20/08/2022 07:22

Cyberworrier · 20/08/2022 07:11

That sounds like the response of a man who watches / has watched too much porn and it's affected his sexual tastes in a disturbing way. I heard something on radio 4 about this yesterday with Louise perry. I agree with the others I think you need to distance yourself, as that is such a disturbing and inappropriate response to you opening up about your assaults. I am so sorry by the way, what terrible things you've experienced and to carry the impact around must be a huge weight. Do you have support? Have you ever had trauma focused therapy? I have, for trauma in an abusive relationship, and it helped a lot.

I've had therapy when younger and diagnosed with complex PTSD and borderline personality disorder from the trauma. I haven't had therapy since I was around 16 though so it didn't cover the abusive relationship.

I have PND and a small baby with him. I can't cope on my own and there is no family/friends for support.
He has a past of being obsessed with sex. Cyber sex with countless women, porn usage and fantasising about most women he came across tbh. Commenting on photos online, really seedy horrid stuff.

I knew we weren't a good fit, my issues are not compatible with his issues and tried to end it several times but he wouldn't let me.

I feel so stuck and suicidal sometimes. I'm trying to be patient. When baby is a year old I can cope more on my own but each day drags and there's a lot of days to go.

I'm actually really embarrassed I put myself in this situation. I hate myself for it. I just can't see a way out.
Surely, after everything, I deserve to start living and feel happy? Just feels like I won't get there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennisted · 20/08/2022 07:24

category12 · 20/08/2022 07:18

On the one hand, I'd be very careful about sharing details of trauma with partners anyway. It can so easily be weaponised against you.

On the other hand, his reaction is very strange- it's "saying the quiet part out-loud" if you get me. He's saying he gets turned on by rape & abuse.

Red flag.

Weaponised how?
That feelings aren't valid as it's due to the past experiences or something different?

OP posts:
DeliberatelyObtuse · 20/08/2022 07:26

This is awful for you OP

His response is way off

I'm just wondering whether he knew about your abuse before he got together with you?

Absolutely none of this your fault Flowers

Fcuk38 · 20/08/2022 07:32

I’m not easily shocked but he’s a sick fucker. How could you tolerate him potentially thinking you enjoyed the abuse and yet you are so vocal about the objectification of women?

category12 · 20/08/2022 07:41

Yes, to invalidate your feelings, wants or needs, but also weaponised as in - if the guy turns out to be abusive, he uses your trauma against you, compares himself favourably to your past treatment "at least I never do ..." Or even as a blueprint of ways to abuse you. Or to throw in your face up as being damaged goods or something equally vile.

Unfortunately when we've been in abusive relationships or has trauma, it's not uncommon to find ourselves in further abusive relationships.

MsChatterbox · 20/08/2022 07:41

You did not put yourself in this situation! He did. Do not be embarrassed. Yes you deserve a good life. Absolutely! There are ways to manage, hopefully other posters can offer more advice on this. Universal credit would be my first port of call.

TheCornishmaid · 20/08/2022 08:13

Firstly i am so sorry this happened to you. I can relate as i was sexually abused by stepdad at the time from age 6 to 10. Thankfully he went to prison for what he did, but of course I then went through an abusive relationship with my eldest daughters 'dad' and i have unfortunately encountered other sexual abuse. I got through all of that but like you I always felt damaged in a way and don't always have a healthy view on sex and low self esteem. I have caught my partner in the past watching porn (as normal as it is) but the thought of it makes me feel so many horrible emotions and i hate it. Again like you, i have this view that we are objectified. It definitely effects my quality of life and my relationship. My current partner is amazing though and I know the minute i met him i had broken that 'cycle' of abuse.

I personally feel that your partner is not supportive what so ever and what he has said is a huge red flag, actually reminds me of a guy i dated years ago when i told him what had happened to me he did not seem concerned more proud of himself than anything and eventually when he showed his true colours and he threw it at me. I then went to find out that he had been accused of rape in the past which by that point did not shock me. I really think you need to trust your gut on this one - alarm bells are ringing for me. Maybe because i can relate to you in some way but also you deserve much more than this after all you've been through.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 20/08/2022 08:24

Your partner is essentially 'pornifying' your abuse. He is a scum bag. Please get rid of him today and keep posting if it will help you.

forlornlorna1 · 20/08/2022 08:34

Hi op. I'm currently in therapy for childhood sexual abuse and I went on to have a sexually abusive marriage that I escaped many years ago. I'm in my 50's now. One of the things therapy has given me this time (3rd lot over the years) is good boundaries and an understanding of how abusers work. I'm feeling more able to spot and understand potential abuse. I think that would be invaluable to you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Someone on here got it spot on though. He's pornifying your abuse.

I'm not often shocked,but his response left me a gasp and my blood literally ran cold for you. When I confided in my now DH about my past abuse he listened and he did ask for no details, but not because of anything else but the fact he found it immensely distressing to hear the pain I'd gone through. He has been supportive and helped me heal by being patient, encouraging and loving.

Please take care of yourself op and at least see your gp for support and therapy once more. X

daretodenim · 20/08/2022 08:48

My goodness OP, his response is horrific. He's being honest and that's helpful, because you aren't in a place where you're wondering what he's thinking or why he's doing something that seems off, he's told you straight up.

That doesn't make it less bad though.

Are you absolutely sure that you can't leave him now? I'm betting that your PND isn't being improved by living with him. If you're really, really sure and you're waiting until baby is 1, what do you need to do to make sure you can leave at the moment you choose? Do you have a deposit saved up or an area you want to go to? Do you have a job or a way of getting one? You need to make plans and figure out how to go about this. I think Woman's Aid would be good to talk to.

Leaving Anna like this is going to be hard - he's already shown he doesn't want to let you go. It's your life though and he doesn't have a right to stop you being free. However, you need to be very careful. Delete your browsing history always. Do not tell him you're going to leave - or even considering it. Say nothing about it to him. This is vital. It's not being sneaky, it being safe.

If you can get some trauma therapy (from someone who is qualified and experienced in trauma therapy- ideally via the NHS) then do put yourself on a waiting list.

I'm so sorry you've had these experiences and have this "partner". It's spectacularly unfair. There is a different future out there, so don't give up hope. Take things slowly, set small goals, and be sure to do it safely. You will get there. Keep posting on Mumsnet for support (and wipe history after visiting).

Watchkeys · 20/08/2022 08:50

Or is this disturbing, which was my initial reaction to it

From this very minute, stop thinking in terms of normal and not normal. Use your feelings to guide you. What is normal for any of us to expect is not the same as what is normal for anybody else. We all have our own individual 'normal'. Everybody's individual 'normal' is dictated by their feelings. So your feeling I've quoted above is very clear: This is not within your boundaries of 'normal'. It goes so far outside of your boundaries of 'normal' that it disturbs you.

Choose people who don't cause you reactions like this. Stay away from people who trigger you, disturb you, make you anxious, make you worried, make you scared, make you uncomfortable in any way. People who fit into your 'normal' will be people you feel good around. Accepted. Understood. Listened to.

Discard anyone else. It doesn't matter if someone is 'normal' or not. It's quite feasible to find a perfectly average, standard response to something uncomfortable. It's not your job to accept people 'as long as they're normal'. Your job is to be responsible for yourself, and that means not forcing yourself to put up with things that feel wrong to you. Don't be around people who do/say things you find disturbing. Listen to and respect how you feel; let your feelings guide you.

His reaction is disgusting, and would be regarded as twisted, cold, callous and lacking in sympathy, empathy, and plain decency by most people. But even if everyone else thought it was fine, you feel disturbed by it, and that's the only thing you need to listen to.

Cyberworrier · 20/08/2022 08:59

"I've had therapy when younger and diagnosed with complex PTSD and borderline personality disorder from the trauma. I haven't had therapy since I was around 16 though so it didn't cover the abusive relationship.

I have PND and a small baby with him. I can't cope on my own and there is no family/friends for support.
He has a past of being obsessed with sex. Cyber sex with countless women, porn usage and fantasising about most women he came across tbh. Commenting on photos online, really seedy horrid stuff.

I knew we weren't a good fit, my issues are not compatible with his issues and tried to end it several times but he wouldn't let me.

I feel so stuck and suicidal sometimes. I'm trying to be patient. When baby is a year old I can cope more on my own but each day drags and there's a lot of days to go.

I'm actually really embarrassed I put myself in this situation. I hate myself for it. I just can't see a way out.
Surely, after everything, I deserve to start living and feel happy? Just feels like I won't get there."

Oh OP. Like others, I find your posts really upsetting and I'm very concerned for you. I also have BPD, which is now manageable as I've had lots of DBT.

You sound very vulnerable, without support, with a small baby and with this partner who is controlling. He wouldn't let you leave- I'm sorry but this makes me think the relationship is also abusive. I'm so sorry.

I agree with PP, please go to your GP. Especially as you have a baby, they should be able to do something to help with your mental health. But also I think you should research Women's Aid and consider getting their help to get out.

Please don't be embarrassed to be in this situation. You did not choose to be abused and it is the men, including your partner, who should be feeling shame. You do deserve to be happy and you and your baby will be. However, it seems very unlikely that you will be happy living with your partner who is completely incompatible with what you need. That's why I think you should get out. It may well seem daunting and scary, but there is support out there and you are precisely the kind of person that the support is set up to help.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 20/08/2022 13:42

Oh lovely. No.

His response was absolutely horrific. To verbalise this to you too shows you exactly who he is. Thoughtless scum.

I am so sorry for what you endured. I hope you find some peace. Xx

Original poster
Jennisted · 21/08/2022 16:50

Thank you all for your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennisted · 21/08/2022 17:01

Could I get an opinion on safety of children around him alone in mind if what he said about the childhood abuse?

OP posts:
category12 · 21/08/2022 17:06

Jennisted · 21/08/2022 17:01

Could I get an opinion on safety of children around him alone in mind if what he said about the childhood abuse?

Oh god, op :(. I wouldn't trust him as far as you could throw him. It doesn't sound like he has any sense of boundaries.