How much fantasising is normal?

[Jennisted]

Genuinely?

Because I find it hard to find a TV show or film that my partner hasn't mind f*cked someone from it! It's making me feel icky tbh.

One or two celeb crushes, fine. But this much feels OTT to me and seriously impacting my self esteem. I don't want to sit and watch stuff together with people he's thinking like that about constantly!

Am I being unreasonable and this is just a guy thing?

How do you know he thinks these things.

He can “mind fuck” who the hell he likes

my question is - why on earth is he telling you? Or are you pestering him by always asking?

I think you ask men this question and find out if it is "normal" or not.

However, if it bothers you it doesn't matter what other men think, what matters is your relationship.

He absolutely can!

Just rather he didn't try and touch me in a sexual way after to let off that steam. Would actually like to know it's me he wanted.

This relationship sounds childish and gross.

Three days ago op you started a thread about being single and more attached to men than women

🙄

In what way?

Please clarify as I have BPD and genuinely wonder which feelings are 'normal'. Especially in relationships.

No, asking if I should be single.

Definitely more attracted to women but as per the post, wondering if it's due to the aversion of guys because things like this make me feel icky!

Why do you think he's getting worked up over something he's seen? And why do you think any 'attraction' has something to do with what he's seen and not his partner sitting next to him?

If I'd been watching anything on TV, regardless of whether sexy or not, when the TV show came to an end I may well turn to my partner - he's been sitting next to me for the last hour or so. Why would that not turn me on?

Exactly this

Potentially a mixture of both but more fact than feeling, it's difficult once you know to not suspect everything.

I've asked him how he thinks it feels to not be able to find things to watch without knowing that he's fantasised about someone in it and he replied that he couldn't answer that as I don't fantasise about people (quite the confirmation), then quoted he's read it's a normal thing but I think the main thing here is the pure amount.

The way I know?
Who he's chosen to follow on social media, the amount of posters in his room when he was a teen of celebs and models (no wall was seen) the cyber sex he's had (uncountable). We met on a FB group and there were answers to games on it that were very telling. The looks he gives women when out.
He's just got one big fantasy running through his head with any female.
It really makes me feel unwanted.

this much feels OTT to me and seriously impacting my self esteem

There's no such thing as normal. Some people do it all the time, some never. Some talk about it, some don't. Some partners mind, some don't. Nobody is any more right or wrong than anybody else.

If something in your relationship is bad for your self esteem, talk to your partner about it, and if you can't find a compromise that feels right to you, leave. Otherwise you're just choosing, for yourself, a self-esteem eroding situation. Your partner should care about your self esteem, so if you tell him that this is bothering you and he doesn't want to find a way for you to be not bothered, then he's essentially more interested in what he's doing than in you being ok.

If you choose to stay with someone who prefers to piss you off so that he can carry on letching after other women, though, that's your responsibility, your choice. You have to take care of yourself, and be with people who support you in that. You're an adult; nobody will do this for you. You have to choose your people well.

Op read your own multiple recent threads about you planning to leave your DP “no ifs or buts” you say.

why are you bothered about your DP mind fucking or indeed actually fucking anyone?

As usual @Watchkeys has completely nailed it. Every word. Please read their post really carefully.

@Jennisted - it feels like your relationship just doesn’t work. You’re uncomfortable with your partner’s sexuality and you think you prefer women anyway. It feels like you’re trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It really sounds like this relationship is wrong for you. And him, too, really. No-one has to be wrong or at fault for a relationship to end - it just sounds like you’re not suited.

Is objectification of women a sexuality?
If so, we definitely aren't compatible!

Doesn’t sound healthy, sorry. It sounds like you should end it. I realise that it’s really hard when you have BPD but it doesn’t sound like this guy is doing your MH any good. I don’t think I’d mind if my partner fancied a tv character but I’d probably not be happy if he spent his time following scantily glad girls on social media who looked nothing like me. Either way it sounds a bit grim and you probably will be better off single.

Just to clarify a few points.

I did post about questioning if I'm gay - because I'm beginning to have an aversion to men due to abuse and things like this and wondered whether it was a factor or I hadn't met the right man yet.... or generally know any nice men. That would really help!

I did post I need to leave him, no ifs and buts and I stick by that. If you look at my previous posts, he's said something pretty awful and concerning. It doesn't mean I can't try and figure out the factors in the relationship and where they lay with not necessarily outright blame but the unhealthiness of them.

I would be grossed out by this sleaziness of his of various kinds.

Just rather he didn't try and touch me in a sexual way after to let off that steam.

Oh, I wouldn't like that.

Hand him a sock.

Are you getting help with your BPD? I’ve got it too and while I consider myself cured now I know it’s made me stay in bad relationships in the past. Choose yourself and dump him if it isn’t working for you.

as for the fantasising, there is no “normal” as a PP said, most people will have fantasised about a celebrity at some point. It isn’t definitively wrong. But the main thing is this relationship makes you feel bad so ending it is the best course of action. No point analysing it, just walk away

Surely pondering your DP’s stance on TV stars in relation to how horny they make him is something that you do later down the line and, for the time being, focus on ending the relationship and, most importantly, the children involved in this scenario