‘I love you’ and similar: how many times can you ask without feeling like a fool?

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So DP and I have been together five years today. And despite him remarking on that first thing this morning, I did not get an I love you all day. In fact I said it first, as per, this afternoon — because it feels natural to me.

I’ve had five years of someone who never tells me they love me or even like me. Who never tells me I’m pretty. The most they might say, if I’ve bought a new dress and really made an effort, is that I look nice. They’ll compliment the dress.

I get some people are not very vocal but what cuts me is that on our very first date he was so complimentary, so enthusiastic. And this died down so quickly.

I’ve made it clear so many times that I would appreciate he told me loves me if he does. I’ve even got upset about it. He assures me he does, and I so believe I guess. He tells me he’s ‘not good with that stuff’ but that he’ll make an effort. He is wonderfully kind and sweet.

And yet..he doesn’t say it. Cue anniversary. I just don’t get it. If you feel it; and if you know someone else yearns to hear it, then say it? Otherwise the natural confusion is that you don’t.

Although I think it’s very weird to not tell your partner you love them, I don’t think your situation is that uncommon.

Affection, both spoken and physical is key to a loving relationship, as is complimenting one another.

Having said that, I had parents that I never once heard tell each other ‘I love you’. It wouldn’t be for me, but they rubbed along together ok.

I too like to say it AND hear it a lot. My partner does say it tho not as much as I would ideally like.

When we discuss it he says he shows me in deeds not words. I guess that is what your partner does? If he is kind and nice in other ways. My partner is also stubborn (don't know if yours is), so my asking for it makes him less likely to say it. In fact, if I want to hear it I tend to hold off saying it myself for a while and that will prompt it from him! (Immature on both our parts, I know....)

After 5 years he is unlikely to change. It's not worth breaking up over if otherwise it's a good relationship, I would say.

My ex never told me he loved me. Not in 10 years. We bought a house. 11 months later he decided to take a job in the US without me. My mum died, 6 months later, I gave him an ultimatum about us staying together. He was pathetic. 6 years in the future I am very happy with a lovely husband. My ex only cared really about himself. OP please save yourself from wasted time.

You are not suited to this man, and I would be very wary about his emotional immaturity. His inability, or refusal, to say I love you, the most basic of utterances, is a massive red flag.

You are wasting your time and sadly, you've wasted quite a lot of it. You need to end it.

He assures me he does

So he does tell you he loves you?

I heard of some chap who said, "I told my wife I loved her on our wedding day, and if that ever changes, I'll let her know".

That wouldn't be for me, though apparently his wife's OK with it! DP and I tell each other all the time. I agree with you - why wouldn't you??

It could be that @Aquamarine1029 is right and you're just not that compatible as he's clearly not reassuring you in other ways of his devotion.

I dunno actions speak louder than words imo. I know I love DH and I know he loves me. I’be been in relationships where I’ve wanted to hear “I love you.” For reassurance and because they blew hot and cold.

I feel secure and safe with DH, our lives are entwined, we have a joint account, mortgage and children. I trust him implicitly and would be lost without him. It’s the cups of tea, and doing the small things that make each other feel appreciated that matters more now.

I’ve never got the need to be told that someone loves you. I know who loves me by how they behave with me. I know my husband (of 30 years) loves me, even when I annoy him. I know my kids love me too. I know lots of my friends love me, and I know that they know I love them. Saying ‘I love you’ is like saying ‘I trust you’ or ‘I need you’. All these feelings are part of what we show each other.

I would much rather know that those closest to me love me through their deeds, rather than their words. And I hate the expectation to say it, just because the other has. So I would also find it hard to say, even if I felt it.

OP - do you know that your partner loves you?

I'd rather have someone who treats me like he loves me than someone who just says the words. We're all different and some people assume the other person knows they're loved because of their deeds and don't think of saying the words.

I recommend reading the book - the 5 love languages. He may have a different love language to you. I.E. you like to hear it verbally where as he may prefer to just show you he loves you by his actions. It might help you to see and understand the way that he loves you even though he doesn't say it aloud

Presumably the OP has got him on the floor in a half-Nelson at that point.

He's an emotional cripple OP, bin him off. Anyone who is resolute in refusing to meet your needs on such a crucial and basic emotion as declaring deep feelings isn't worth the bother. If he's like this now, it won't get any better, believe me.

That Love Languages schtik is all very well but a lot of the time it lets people like the OPs DP off the hook - he refuses to utter the word love, but it's fine because he puts the bins out.

“I'd rather have someone who treats me like he loves me than someone who just says the words. We're all different and some people assume the other person knows they're loved because of their deeds and don't think of saying the words.”

This with bells on. No-one’s perfect but from your post it sounds a bit like you’ve decided to focus on the box he’s not ticking rather than the ones he is. Do you feel loved, OP?

I dated someone like this. I dumped him after 8 months because it was just a cold, miserable experience.

Tbh, if you're still there 5 years later, and you're not happy, you need to take some responsibility for that. He isn't going to change so, if you're not happy, why are you still there?

Everyone's different but myself I couldnt be happy in a relationship where love wasn't shown in both deeds and words. Either alone doesnt feel complete. I guess what I see as the issue is that you've told him it upsets you, and yet he still can't utter the words when he feels them? I wonder if its something to do with taking things for granted. If he was so vocal in the beginning.

I think you’re vulnerable to flattery from another if you’re left to figure it out because he doesn’t say it and you’ve told him you need it to be said. It’s something that should be said during cuddles and lovemaking at least IMHO.

Words are cheap. Personally, for me, it’s about actions. Does he do anything that makes you feel loved? As previous poster said the Five Love Languages book is excellent. We all have different ways of expressing love and affection. For me, someone saying ‘I love you’ means very little. However, someone going to the effort of picking me up from work when it’s raining, preparing a meal (even though it was my turn) when I am exhausted or buying my favourite chocolate without being asked speaks volumes.

Love is a doing word.

I'm very happy with DH. We've been together 17 years.
But I've recently banned him from telling me I look 'nice'! I also had one compliment that made me die inside - 'you look smart'.
He fancies me like crazy, I know that, so it's a vocabulary thing.
I've told him he must think of better adjectives, as he'd use these to describe his mum or a colleague!!

If you're feeling unloved in other ways then his refusal to say it just highlights the issue, but making him say it isn't going to miraculously make your relationship better.

Does he show you he loves you or are you otherwise quite lonely in the relationship?

He doesn’t sound wonderfully kind or sweet - it sounds like you’ve asked him to do a pretty basic thing, told him it’ll make you feel more loved and he just hasn’t done it. Isn’t going to do it. Sounds like he doesn’t care

Both actions AND words are important to both DH and me. We both say ILY every day, and we both do loving things for one another. That’s what a loving relationship looks like. Not trying to pressure someone into saying words that really do come easily when you feel them.

Your relationship sounds like hard work for you. You clearly aren’t compatible with this man who can’t be bothered to tell you the words he knows you need to hear. Fuck that. I hope you eventually find someone who isn’t so emotionally stunted because life will become so much easier when you meet a man who loves to tell you he loves you 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have mixed feelings on this one. My ex said it most days but also had the expectation that I was obliged to say it in return. He would get annoyed if I didn't. He would repeat it in an angry voice. All that makes you want to say is "piss off!" 😂 But I suspect the real problem there was that we never actually loved each other at all by that point.

I don't think your partner is going to change from what you're saying, so really what you need to do is decide whether you can live with this or not. If you stay with him focus on how he treats you rather than let this eat away at you. Actions speak much louder than words.

Does he make you feel special through thoughtful gestures like making you drinks? Running you a bath? Sex? Cooking for you?
If he's genuine in other ways it's probably just something he doesn't feel natural doing. It's nice to hear it. Funnily enough the person who said it to me most was a narcissist lol!
I have an Ex I was with 9 years who was terrible at buying me gifts. Every year he'd order some hideous pyjamas from amazon that were way too big or childish pictures. That usually coupled with a tacky bath bomb also from amazon. Sometimes he'd get me a tacky mug from amazon with a joke on it. You know those ones that tea tastes awful in because if the coating?
He never got me handbags, purses, flowers, earrings, charms or anything that would be more to my character.
I remember the boyfriend after me buying me perfume just because and I was like wow he understands me lol.

Every girl deserves a compliment!

Only you know him. My DH isn't very vocal in this way, nor am I really, when he's away he will always text it at night, but in person we don't say it to each other very much (why would you??) to me actions speak much louder than words. Something can be over said and lose meaning, so long as he's BEING loving, I don't think it needs to be said.

Difficult to say, my DH is not vocal and is understated in everything he says. If there was some sort of major emergency requiring immediate attention he would probably describe it as a wee hiccup, having chatted about the weather for 5 minutes first 🙄

If I've made a huge effort to look good he might say I look nice. That's as much as I've ever had from him. He never tells me he loves me, ever.

It is hard, I've struggled over the years as I would prefer more enthusiasm. It's just who he is though.

He does tell the kids daily he loves them and manages to compliment them so that's the best I can hope for.