‘I love you’ and similar: how many times can you ask without feeling like a fool?

[romystar]

So DP and I have been together five years today. And despite him remarking on that first thing this morning, I did not get an I love you all day. In fact I said it first, as per, this afternoon — because it feels natural to me.

I’ve had five years of someone who never tells me they love me or even like me. Who never tells me I’m pretty. The most they might say, if I’ve bought a new dress and really made an effort, is that I look nice. They’ll compliment the dress.

I get some people are not very vocal but what cuts me is that on our very first date he was so complimentary, so enthusiastic. And this died down so quickly.

I’ve made it clear so many times that I would appreciate he told me loves me if he does. I’ve even got upset about it. He assures me he does, and I so believe I guess. He tells me he’s ‘not good with that stuff’ but that he’ll make an effort. He is wonderfully kind and sweet.

And yet..he doesn’t say it. Cue anniversary. I just don’t get it. If you feel it; and if you know someone else yearns to hear it, then say it? Otherwise the natural confusion is that you don’t.

My DP isn’t one for saying it. We’ve discussed it and he assured me that he did love me… that was 2 years ago! I say it a lot because it’s how I am. However he would move mountains for me in his own quiet way so I can see the love and feel the love.

Some people just aren’t good at saying it, doesn’t mean the love isn’t there.

My dp tells me he loves me a lot. Sometimes a bit too much and although I do love him, I can end up feeling I have to say it back because he’s said it.

Sometimes, if he hasn’t said it for a while, I feel I want to say it for myself and I much prefer that.

my ex h told me he loved me and was shagging someone else so I dunno if the words alone mean so much.

I prefer to say the words when the feeling is there…like last night dp came over, treated me and my dc to a takeaway and helped ds on a game he was struggling with. Then I really felt it and told him. In the supermarket doing my grocery shopping? Not so much!

But if my partner had specifically told he he’d like to hear it more from me, and I loved him, then I would make the effort a little more.

My ex was like this. Nice guy and everything but something was always missing.

Now married to lovely DH and he tells me and shows me all the time. I'm so much happier.

I cannot bear people who behave as though words of affection cost them something and need to be dragged from them. Do not waste your time with someone who thinks a statement of feelings is too high a price to pay.

They are, always, arseholes.

Why are you still with him if your needs are not being met?

5 years is a long time to stay with someone when you have such an issue.

I definitely believe actions more than words are important, but having been asked by you to use his words his actions are not to.

Start focusing on what you really want and if this is a deal breaker for you.

5 years is a long time to stay if you are not happy.

I tell my husband I love him multiple times a day. He's much less vocal, but he shows me how much he cares and values me every single day. And if I'm ever having a wobble or feeling insecure, I only have to let him know and he'll tell me exactly how much he loves me, every time.

Talk is cheap and I'd much rather love be expressed in actions than words. But then "I love you" is a phrase I've always found difficult to say (I think I sound insincere), it just sticks in my throat, and have to be really loved up in the moment, and feel very secure with my partner, to say it. Personally, if I was with someone who said it every day it would totally lose its value for me, and if I was expected to say it more than I felt genuine I'd feel I was doing it out of duty.

My ex used to tell me that he loved me several times a day, he was very romantic and affectionate.
Unfortunately it turned out that he was also very romantic and affectionate with other women whilst we were still in a relationship and living together 🙄

My DH hardly ever says he loves me other than when he's drunk, wants sex or birthdays/anniversaries etc. But he shows me he loves me every single day by being there for me, supporting me and putting my needs before his own.
Don't get me wrong - I'd love him to be more affectionate and vocal about his love for me but I'd rather have a man who really loves me than one who says he loves me but treats me like shit.

I think saying it all the time devalues the words. Appreciate everyone is different but you know he loves you. He no doubt demonstrates it all the time?

We rarely say it but show it very often. When DH recently stood up and made a speech to a large group of family and friends he referred to me as the love of his life which felt quite overwhelming as it was such a big statement from him.

Honestly just stop trying to force him and watch out for what he does to demonstrate his love. Much more significant in my experience.

I’ve never understood why people need to be told this “several times a day” it almost just becomes a word used out of habit.

Perhaps they're needy.

I don't even tell my kids several times a day, usually bed time and when they leave for school.

“love love is a verb, love is a doing word”

m.youtube.com/watch?v=u7K72X4eo_s

It definitely loses it effect when it’s just habit.

Thats not to say it isn’t important to say it, just that it’s said when needed. Actions are much more important though as often words are not needed.

In our nearly 2 decades together, I don't think my DH has once told me he loves me without me saying it first. Which is very, very rare now.

But I know he does love me and that I'm his favourite person by the way he treats me. He looks after me when I'm ill, he's very affectionate, we talk about our future retirement together, we chat all the time. Yes, I would like it if he said the words sometimes (he does buy loving Christmas and birthday cards for me) but his actions are far more important than his words. Don't give up on him if it's an otherwise great relationship.

People will always make more of an effort in the early stages of a relationship. However, you've been with him for 5 years so surely you would have picked up on the lack of affection years ago, or is this recent?

Some people just aren't as vocal about their affection, it doesn't mean they don't care. However, if it's something that is important to you, he should make more of an effort otherwise the relationship is just incompatible.

I've been with a guy before who definitely didn't like to do the daily reminders of how much I meant with him, but he more than made up for it with the sweetest gestures (picking up my favourite drink from Starbucks, dropping off food at my workplace when he knew I couldn't get out of work etc). Actions often speak louder than words.