You’re never too old to lose a parent…

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Over the last 36 hours since the Queen died, I’ve been really teary and overly emotional and I couldn’t quite work out why.

Tonight, watching the new King’s speech, as he talked about his ‘dear mama’, I suddenly realised what was going on with me. I lost my own mum 18 months ago. She was an amazing, feisty, loving character and also my best friend. She was also going strong up until 24 hours before her sudden death which devastated us all.

I think no matter how old you are, you’ll never be ‘grown up’ enough to lose a parent.

So, this is just a thread to remember our mums and dads. If you’ve a lost a parent that you loved and there’s things you’d like to say about them, then here’s a thread to do it.

When my mother died, I felt as though I had been cast adrift, cut loose from my anchor. My mother was a constant, grounding influence in my life. She had always been there and, despite common sense telling me otherwise, it felt as though she always would be.

Although my mother died almost 3 years ago, I have not yet grieved for her. Perhaps I never will. I think I like to pretend that she isn't really gone, it's just been a long time since I've seen her.

@80sMum cast adrift is exactly how I feel. I'm early 60s and lost my Mum a couple of months ago, so we are still going through some of the admin but I saw her almost every day and I've lost my rhythm.

The beautiful things everyone has been saying about the Queen has definitely brought it all flooding back

Thinking of everyone on this thread who has lost a parent

I never knew my father and was NC with my mother for the last 30 years of her life.

I became tearful hearing the King's speech and thinking of how lovely it must have been to have a fantastic, loving relationship with your mother.

But that’s just the point of the thread - he isn’t fine! Not saying that’s it’s not harder for those whose parents die young, but losing them at any age is still difficult.

I lost both my parents within the space of a year when I was in my mid-sixties. It was a little easier for me because they were both ill and to some extent our roles had become reversed. It must be more difficult if your parents are still functioning relatively normally, because as we get older we adapt to change less well and your parents may have been a constant in your life.

My dad died just over 3 years ago. I was 35 and held his hand as he took his final breaths. He was 65 and had a very rare blood cancer. 2 months before dad died, my last grandparent died (my mum's dad). I had a 4 year old then who is now 7, and have since had my second baby who is four months old and I am now 38. Being an "older" mum scares me sometimes - I feel a lot of pressure to make it to at least 70, so my little ones can have me in their lives for as long as possible.

But that’s just the point of the thread - he isn’t fine!

Mumsnet is getting odd with all these posts emoting about Charles!

I think Charles is unusual and lucky to have had both his parents around into his 70s, and both in pretty good health.

But God, the emotions this has brought up ( another who has lost their mother in the past year), I know I'm not the only one to have shed quite a few tears....

I'm so sorry, it's heartbreaking isn't it.

I have lost both parents within the last 2 years, one only a few months ago.
I found the Queen's last day and death immensely triggering. Plus, I loved her, so there's that.

My mum is exactly the same age as the Queen and her health hasn't been so good the last couple of years. I have always felt as long as the queen can keep going so can my mum. Its silly i know but now that the queen is gone I feel my mum is next, i am late 50s and i am not ready to lose her, not at all.

I lost my dad at 15, my mum at 26. Never quite been the same since my mum died. It was fucking traumatic and I just had to get on with shit, lost the only person I could talk to. It sounds harsh but I got over the death of my dad quite quickly, we were never close, he could be quite mean.

I had a stroke a few years ago and weirdly enough whilst I was in the midst of it, I felt my mother, she felt close in my mind.

I am 70 and my dad died many years ago. My mother is 91 and in good health for her age. With the queen frail but still working 2 days before her death it all seems a bit sudden even though she was ,96. Made me realize that while my mother is pretty healthy for her age she could go suddenly. Despite my own great age I'm not ready for her to go yet but the Queen's passing had helped prepare me in a strange sort of way.

I lost my mother 3 weeks ago, her funeral was yesterday. Well today still I guess as I still can’t sleep. It’s hard… everyone’s emotions are triggering mine. All the usual ways of taking your mind off it, here, fb, tv, news etc are all full of sorrow and I am struggling :(

Yes the Queen's death just makes me think of my own mother, who was a year older and told us stories about going to see her on the balcony after the coronation. She died at 89.
My own children lost their Dad very young - it has changed the course of their lives.
Her children, grandkids and great grandkids were very fortunate indeed, but it still hurts.

I lost my dad when I was 24 and mum when I was 39. I'm honest very very envious of people who still have their parents alive when they get older themselves.

I think there are some differences with losing a parent in very old age. I lost my mum to a brain tumour in her 60s. I grieved for myself and also her - the old age she’d missed. Same when my friend died in 40s. When my grandma died at 100, my dad and siblings weren’t mourning a lost future in the same way. Both are hard though.

Thank you for this thread OP.

I’m 56 and my DM died two months ago. She had been living in a care home for several years, but largely because of physical issues. I loved her, but she had become very demanding and the parent/child relationship had completely flipped.

In the end, she died quite suddenly from pancreatic cancer (4 weeks from the onset of symptoms, less than 2 weeks from official diagnosis). She died surrounded by family, in the care of her wonderful care home after everyone pulled out all the stops to get her home from hospital.

After the first couple of weeks I have been “OK”. But as PP said, the last day of the Queen’s life, waiting for the news and thinking of her children and grandchildren, was very triggering for me. I just want to phone my mum, who was a big fan of the Queen, and talk about it with her, and now I feel like I’m grieving again, or maybe actually starting to grieve properly. At the time I just felt bizarrely dislocated from everything.

Oddly, my lovely aunt died in her 50s a few months before Diana died. My son, 6 at the time, asked why there was so much coverage of the public mourning and funeral - there was none of this when Auntie Jane (not her name) died. I remember sobbing watching the boys following the coffin, but I was really crying for my littlest cousin who was still a child at the time.

I am so lucky to still have my parents but my mum, who is nearly 80, has always reminded me of the queen so I think that might be why her death has hit me so hard. My mum isn't in great health so I do worry for her but know I'm so lucky to still have her in my life.
Some one made a comment earlier about how grief changes. Obviously I can't possibly know but I guess when someone dies in earlier age, you mourn their future and what would have been- it must feel so cruel. Whereas I guess when someone dies at the natural end of their life, you mourn the past and the passing of all that has gone before. I'm sure others can comment with more lived experience than me x

I think no matter how old you are, you’ll never be ‘grown up’ enough to lose a parent.

Absolutely.

My DGM was a few moths short of 100 when she died. My mum (who had a complicated relationship with her) was bereft. My DGM had lived with her for the past 10 years so that was part of it but it really doesn't matter - you love your parents & their loss will affect you at whatever age you are.

When my DF died after a very difficult few weeks, I didn't really feel grief. Just a strange sense of discombobulation. But I do feel his loss more & more keenly, 4 years later, thinking of all he has missed since then.

I’m not emoting for Charles - I’m “emoting” (ridiculous word) for someone who has lost two parents within a short space of time and then is expected to swing right into action immediately afterwards. I wouldn’t have liked to do it.

I lost my mum when she was 64, and my children were 1 and 4. I feel sad that she missed most of their milestones. I had a few difficult moments this summer where I would have loved her to see how beautiful DD looked at prom, and how proud she would have been of DDs exam results.
But in some ways it was slightly easier that I had time to get used to being without her before my dad died, 8 years later. Having both parents alive when you're in your 60s or even 70s means there is a strong likelihood you will lose them both in a short space of time.
And yes I feel sad for the RF that they are thrust into the glare of the media, and expected to do speeches, meetings, meet the public within hours of losing a parent/grandparent.

He's 73 and lost his mother.
I'm sorry but it's not the same thing as losing your parents when you are still young.
My DM died when I was 27, she was 57.
I'm 50 next year and it makes me realize it really was no age to die.

Sorry for all your losses. My dad died 4y ago. I was 45. Its hard no matter your age. My sil was widowed before 50. Very sad

My parents are the same age as Charles. They both lost their parents a lot younger than Charles did. I think he has been very fortunate to have both his parents live as long as they did. I find it strange to watch Charles become King at the same time as I look at my own parents wondering how long I realistically have long left with them. My DF has outlived his own DF by decades.

Thank you for this OP though it has made me howl…my beloved dad died suddenly three months ago - early 70s. I am heartbroken and feel a little like my life is partly over now too…it certainly won’t ever be the same.

I’m not a royalist and it’s hard to see the death of a 96 year old as a tragedy. But I am definitely triggered by it…although somewhat childishly I’m resentful I didn’t get to keep my dad till he was in his 90s. I know that sounds a horrible thing to say, I just miss him terribly and want to talk to him.