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Original poster

He said no to sex after complaining he wanted more of it.

31 replies

Pumpkinsanddaisies · 09/09/2022 20:30

I am looking for some advice please.

DP would like more sex. For the past week or 10 days he has been dropping major hints about missing sex, being horny etc but for various reasons it just hasn't happened. I was starting to feel annoyed by the repeated hints and what felt like had turned into complaining, but didn't say anything as I too would like more sex and we are child free this weekend so I thought there would be opportunity then.

This afternoon I thought that I really should make more of an effort and I know if its left till bedtime I can often be too tired so when he got home from work and was showering I voiced that I would be up for it when he had finished in the shower. This gave him a semi and I thought woohoo! Sorry for TMI. I thought he would be pleased after basically spending days complaining about not having sex, but he rejected me when he got out of the shower and said lets do it at bedtime.

This is not the first time this has happened, there have been several times I've tried to initiate but have been rejected. I would be fine with this as of course he has the right to not want to have sex but its annoyed me and upset me that I've had days and days of being made to feel bad for not wanting sex and then the second I do he says no. It feels like he is trying to punish me or something or cut off his nose to spite his face.

It has escalated to a row and I've said its not fair to complain about lack of sex and then just reject me first chance. He says he wasn't rejecting me as he said we could do it later but he knows I will be too tired then. He says he thinks about sex with me all the time but I am beginning to doubt that now.

We are now sat in separate rooms and I don't know how to fix this really and I am really hurt to be honest. Surely if he is that keen to have sex with me he would have bitten my hand off? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
MrsU2022 · 09/09/2022 20:33

I'd feel the exact same tbh so don't think you're being too sensitive at all!

Not sure what he's playing at there, but sounds like it's all on his terms and is being rather controlling!

ImpartialMongoose · 09/09/2022 20:37

Is it possible he is turned off by the woman initiating? Some men find a woman acting "forward" a turn off.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 09/09/2022 20:40

Would the post shower session be a quickie before tea or whatever? Maybe he wanted to spend more time over it at bedtime?
Tbh in 10 years dh has never not taken me up on an offer!

TwowaystoUrmston · 09/09/2022 20:43

Well I'd certainly be confused, talk about mixed messages! And yes, it does sound like it's all on his terms which definitely wouldn't work for me. I guess you need to talk but you both need to be calm and listen to each other's perspective so maybe best left til tomorrow.

Jennisted · 09/09/2022 20:44

Maybe he had seen to himself not long ago and needed time to reload?

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 09/09/2022 20:50

ImpartialMongoose · 09/09/2022 20:37

Is it possible he is turned off by the woman initiating? Some men find a woman acting "forward" a turn off.

How ridiculous, we are not in the 1950s 🙄he can't complain and then keep turning you down.

My exh complained a lot about not having enough sex, I can't remember him ever turning me down.

ImpartialMongoose · 09/09/2022 20:52

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 09/09/2022 20:50

How ridiculous, we are not in the 1950s 🙄he can't complain and then keep turning you down.

My exh complained a lot about not having enough sex, I can't remember him ever turning me down.

Show quote history

I agree it's ridiculous. But there are men who are like this.

Original poster
Pumpkinsanddaisies · 09/09/2022 20:52

Thank you for the replies. I feel better that the instant response isn't that I'm being unreasonable to be upset.

I'm not sure about the not liking women to be forward thing, when we were arguing he did say that he liked the fact I was trying to initiate as he felt that meant I was sexually interested in him, which I am!

Yes I suppose it would of been a bit of a quickie as we had made plans to go to the supermarket together and chose something nice for dinner which he did raise as his part reasoning for rejecting me but that made me feel worse, like going to Sainsburys was more of a priority!

Not sure about the needing to reload thing lol, as I think he might have mentioned it but a possibility I guess.

OP posts:
ImpartialMongoose · 09/09/2022 20:56

Pumpkinsanddaisies · 09/09/2022 20:52

Thank you for the replies. I feel better that the instant response isn't that I'm being unreasonable to be upset.

I'm not sure about the not liking women to be forward thing, when we were arguing he did say that he liked the fact I was trying to initiate as he felt that meant I was sexually interested in him, which I am!

Yes I suppose it would of been a bit of a quickie as we had made plans to go to the supermarket together and chose something nice for dinner which he did raise as his part reasoning for rejecting me but that made me feel worse, like going to Sainsburys was more of a priority!

Not sure about the needing to reload thing lol, as I think he might have mentioned it but a possibility I guess.

Then could it be something to do with spontaneity? So he wants to do it, but spontaneously and in the moment and not in an arranged way. Otherwise, I think a PP poster might be onto something, perhaps he took care of himself in the shower?

bringbackneighbours · 09/09/2022 20:57

ImpartialMongoose · 09/09/2022 20:37

Is it possible he is turned off by the woman initiating? Some men find a woman acting "forward" a turn off.

^^^^^

This.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 09/09/2022 21:02

Pumpkinsanddaisies · 09/09/2022 20:52

Thank you for the replies. I feel better that the instant response isn't that I'm being unreasonable to be upset.

I'm not sure about the not liking women to be forward thing, when we were arguing he did say that he liked the fact I was trying to initiate as he felt that meant I was sexually interested in him, which I am!

Yes I suppose it would of been a bit of a quickie as we had made plans to go to the supermarket together and chose something nice for dinner which he did raise as his part reasoning for rejecting me but that made me feel worse, like going to Sainsburys was more of a priority!

Not sure about the needing to reload thing lol, as I think he might have mentioned it but a possibility I guess.

Maybe he was thinking of something a bit more than just a quickie ?

Hohofortherobbers · 09/09/2022 21:02

He wants to go to sleep afterwards. There's going to gave to be compromise. Sometimes you do it at bedtime, sometimes you do it earlier. He hasn't realised this yet

strawberrysea · 09/09/2022 21:04

How does he usually react when you initiate instead of him?

twoandcooplease · 09/09/2022 21:05

Of course you're not unreasonable to be upset over rejection. That's such a natural response to being told not now when there's no reasons why

I think he doesn't understand that bed time is bed time for a lot of mums and we often just want to relax after a hard day

I'm more likely to have sex with DP randomly during the day of we've got a break from ds over times when ds is sleeping sound and I can close my eyes and drift off. Sleep over sex at night for sure. I'm sorry you're feeling down x

Original poster
Pumpkinsanddaisies · 09/09/2022 21:08

Hmmm not sure about the spontaneity thing. Sorry I don't know how to quote people.

He did say something about, 'it should just happen' but I'm not really sure about that as surely someone has to be the initiator? And it's hardly 'just happening' when he is moaning and dropping big hints all over the place. I don't know.

I feel like it shouldn't be this difficult, in my marriage to my ex he sometimes complained about not enough sex but I can't remember him ever turning me down but also I'm torn because obviously you shouldn't have sex you don't want. But equally hurt to be rejected.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 21:08

I'd be telling him he can fuck off with the game playing and mixed messages.

ImpartialMongoose · 09/09/2022 21:10

Pumpkinsanddaisies · 09/09/2022 21:08

Hmmm not sure about the spontaneity thing. Sorry I don't know how to quote people.

He did say something about, 'it should just happen' but I'm not really sure about that as surely someone has to be the initiator? And it's hardly 'just happening' when he is moaning and dropping big hints all over the place. I don't know.

I feel like it shouldn't be this difficult, in my marriage to my ex he sometimes complained about not enough sex but I can't remember him ever turning me down but also I'm torn because obviously you shouldn't have sex you don't want. But equally hurt to be rejected.

Well it's definitely a head fuck, if nothing else!

Iceballoons · 09/09/2022 21:13

I think you need to make it clear that sex needs to be before bedtime or it won’t happen so ask him to be more open to being spontaneous. He might just like routine or have been hungry but if he can’t be more flexible in future he will miss out and I’d be wondering why.

Original poster
Pumpkinsanddaisies · 09/09/2022 21:13

Strawberrysea - what a lovely name! Me initiating has usually ended in rejection.

Aquamarine - I actually used the words game playing and he did not agree at all and escalated the row. His view is he said sorry I was upset and shut up and get over it. not in those words but that's how it felt.

OP posts:
Swalewhale · 09/09/2022 21:22

I agree with the reload comment. I bet he finished himself off in the shower and couldn't reload until later

YRGAM · 09/09/2022 21:23

I would suggest he is trying to 'teach you a lesson', as some men can feel upset by a perceived power imbalance in sex. You could potentially ask him if this is the case, and if it is, explain to him how it makes you feel and to stop being childish?

YRGAM · 09/09/2022 21:24

Edit - actually, the reload is a likely scenario!

Madamecastafiore · 09/09/2022 21:25

Just go and give him a cuddle. It's not worth tying yourself in knots about and you both feeling awful. Yes it hurt your feelings but you can put a stop to how you're feeling now and might get some sense out of him if you start talking.

twoandcooplease · 09/09/2022 21:27

Me initiating has usually ended in rejection.

What is he playing at? Why the control?
Sometimes you don't realise things until you write them down but what you've said so far is you have sex but only on his terms and you're the person being rejected and made to feel rubbish. He mopes around if he doesn't get it at inconvenient times but wants to control when you do have it in the off chance of childless times?

Arsehole

goldfinchonthelawn · 09/09/2022 21:31

I don't see how you spontaneously saying 'How about it right now?' lacks spontaneity but him saying, 'No let's do it later,' would be more spontaneous, so I don't buy that.

But as a PP has said, there's no point in escalating it. Just have a hug and admit that both of you sometimes say no because you are tired and preoccupied, and that's part of having small children around.