Feel completely alone

[Wonderingwhattodo27]

The title sums it up really.
A bit of background:
Single mum to 17 year old dd.
Both parents passed away years ago.
no local friends.
pleasant work colleagues but nothing in common outside work so wouldn’t socialise.
Only family is my sister who I used to see regularly but now she hardly communicates with me possibly due to difficulty in her own life.
i don’t make friends easily and do need my own space. I’m quite happy doing some things alone but can would like occasional company.
Tried joint social groups but found them very cliquey and issues with men messaging me whilst seeing others.
i try to communicate with my sister but she clearly hasn’t wanted to /doesn’t feel able to reciprocate.
I date occasionally but don’t often meet anyone I want to see regularly.
Any thoughts?

Bump?

hi op i feel like this too. also single mum. no family and as you say it is very superficial relationships with work colleagues. same with dating. i wish i knew the answer but i can definitely empathise.

It's hard isn't it? Hope you both find good people.

I have nobody really either. People rejected me or the ones that did only bothered when it suited. It's terribly lonely but I can't be used anymore. People are no longer genuine. It's all superficial and situational.

I just do what I want when I want. If people want to talk to me, fair enough but I don't rely on anybody now.

@yummytummy thank you for your reply &!sorry to hear you’re in a summit situation 💐

@loseridiot thank you for your reply. Totally agree - feels like I’m only there if it’s convenient for other people , eg if they want to talk about a problem but nobody is there for me. I’m learning more and more that it’s best to rely on myself.

i agree people are totally superficial and situational happy to take but never to give. i try so hard to make connections with people but no one ever gives anything back. eg i would love just once in my life to have a meal cooked for me. just once. i invited a friend round and cooked a whole meal and at end she made noises about inviting back etc. did it ever happen? no. it would have meant so much to me but i think people who have big loving families multiple friends take it for granted and have no concept how it feels to be out alone and isolated in the cold.

Thanks both and I'm sorry you're in this position. Yes, they don't understand how hard it is to be alone. I think people pick up on us being lonely and therefore grateful for the "crumbs from the table". Fair enough they have their own lives but there needs to be compromise and fairness. We have value.

Also, dating is like a sweet shop as most of it is online. They're talking to you with "one eye on the door" for something 'shinier' to come along. It's very difficult to always be second best and never what they want, just what they can or think they can get out of you. Hardly surprising then they can't make meaningful connections. It's very very sad.

I think people get carried away with social media and expecting a certain look. For those who don't match that, they've little to no chance, even though they could be perfectly lovely people.

@yummytummy That's a shame. It wouldn't take much. Even beans on toast or something easy! You might be relucant to give in future and they'll realise when it's too late. It doesn't help our loneliness either though.

You both deserve lovely people.

Totally sounds like my life! A mirror image apart from having a 12 yr old.

I can't deny that I miss company. I had an interesting sister. It's taken me years for us to be happy.. We had a rocky ride, I thought I was the child who was always neglected...seems she was too. Please talk to each other, to really understand what is happening.

Thanks for all the kind replies. It’s so sad. Also so difficult at times. My dd can be lovely company but it not the same as having g friends or a partner. I also feel totally alone and sometimes devastated if I have to deal with any bad behaviour or issues.

I'm in your situation but wfh too. I've joined an occasional female meet-up group, I do park run and have coffee after with a couple of people I know by sight. And the occasional date.

@Wonderingwhattodo27 can I ask: do you like your own company?
Quite often a I meet people who are terribly lonely, and the problem isn’t that they find it hard to have/make friends, the problem is that they’re not very friendly with themselves. Somewhere along the way, the confidence, the lust for life, the balance was lost. We all go through a lot of shit, no one is judging. And from the outside looking in, it looks to me like they’re waiting for someone to fix that for them. And of course, they do deserve it, someone to be there for them to share, laugh, cry, sweat with. That’s normal and healthy. Equally, no one sane goes round going: I’m gonna find me someone to fix, so they can share, laugh, cry, sweat in peace.
There must be a connection somewhere, you must be on the same road as the others in order to meet them.

When my DD was 17, she put one of my skirts on and a T-shirt, she ran out of clean clothes. She looks in the mirror and goes: I look like my mum!!! Turns out she thought my sense of fashion was shit. She suggested I go on Instagram and look for influencers in their mid 40s and re-learn how to dress. Now, I can’t begin to explain to you just how shallow I find the whole concept. Besides, I really didn’t see anything wrong with my clothes, I dress from Cos, me and em, Baukjen etc. I found doesmybumlook40 on Instagram. She had a talk at one point and I attended. A work colleague was there. Long story short we curated each other’s wardrobe. We send each other links to stuff the other would suite. We’re friends.

What I’m saying is you have to start somewhere, and that somewhere is you.

@BuddhaAtSea thankacgod your reply but think you probably missed part of my op
“need my own space. I’m quite happy doing some things alone but can would like occasional company” & “Tried joining social groups but found them very cliquey”

I think you missed @BuddhaAtSea's point entirely and have taken it as criticism. It wasn't.

I get it. I am an older mum and my kids young. I cry when I watch the kids films as they are always about people having people who care about them and support them. I do have a a few casual friendships, but no one close and I don’t know if those friendships will last or fade. I don’t really have the time to build close friendships. I have no family other than my kids. It can be painfully lonely. I read a line in a book once, ‘She was lonely in her soul’. That’s about right.

Yes, and I know what you mean about having to deal with bad behavior and tantrums alone. Yes, it’s having to deal with everything by yourself. No one to turn to. No one to say, ‘I see how hard you are trying’. No one to say, ‘You are doing I good job’, it’s hard.

This always helped me… God sent everyone away so it could be just you and him. What could be better than The Highest Companion.

@Nonews so sorry to hear that 💐

@Nonews totally 💯 agreed. So very difficult at times.

ths is for all the replies. So sad that there are many of us in this situation. I’m baffled as to what to do re my sister - if anything. Others in RL have told me I’ve reached out enough times now and should just leave her to contact me now. Any thoughts?

@Wonderingwhattodo27 I would ask yourself why your sister doesn't keep in touch. If it's because somebody's busy or has a lot going on for a while I would be inclined to check in without pressure to keep contact and the door open. If your sister really doesn't care and it's been going on years or always been like that I would leave it as there's no point wasting your time when it's a one-way street. It's very difficult and not what you want but sadly you get used to it and fill your time with other things.

@loseridiot thank you for your reply. I think I it’s a bit of both really. We’ve both had lots going on over the years but she’s also quite self centred, However I do miss seeing her and my niece and nephew.

@Wonderingwhattodo27 Thanks for replying. You've replied to everybody on here which shows what a good person you'd be to have around.

Could you say to your sister how busy it's been and how nice it would be to meet up now the children are older and there's more time? Then guage her reply to see how to deal with it from there. It's honest but no pressure or guilt tripping. If no interest and your niece and nephew are old enough perhaps you could touch base with them and say how lovely it would be to meet for a coffee or whatever you'd all fancy.

@loseridiot thanks again for replying. I have said to her several times I’d like to see her and hear from her more but it never happens for long. I’ve messaged suggesting meeting up but don’t get a reply for ages by which tine it’s too late! I ask if she wants to talk about her issues - she clearly doesn’t. I don’t know what else I can do! I guess it might not seem so bad if I had others around to talk to and go out with.

Thanks @Wonderingwhattodo27 . In that case unfortunately there's no more that can be done. You've reached out many times and your sister had the option of contacting you. Yes it does leave a large hole and worse when you don't really have much company. If your sister does decice to touch base in future, it may well be the case you've moved on by then. Hopefully you'll have loads of friends and hobbies!