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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel completely alone

34 replies

Wonderingwhattodo27 · 09/09/2022 10:26

The title sums it up really.
A bit of background:
Single mum to 17 year old dd.
Both parents passed away years ago.
no local friends.
pleasant work colleagues but nothing in common outside work so wouldn’t socialise.
Only family is my sister who I used to see regularly but now she hardly communicates with me possibly due to difficulty in her own life.
i don’t make friends easily and do need my own space. I’m quite happy doing some things alone but can would like occasional company.
Tried joint social groups but found them very cliquey and issues with men messaging me whilst seeing others.
i try to communicate with my sister but she clearly hasn’t wanted to /doesn’t feel able to reciprocate.
I date occasionally but don’t often meet anyone I want to see regularly.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Wonderingwhattodo27 · 11/09/2022 16:51

@loseridiot thanks. Maybe when life has settled down for her, she’ll be more communicative but for now I think I’ll keep my distance.

OP posts:
OrangeFlowersAreLovely · 11/09/2022 16:54

Whereabouts are you based?

loseridiot · 11/09/2022 17:12

That's fair @Wonderingwhattodo27 . You've left the door open but are not going to repeatedly do the running. Even though it's hard not to when you do want that relationship, constant rejection's also hard. It doesn't resolve your issues, but hopefully you could see this as having time to yourself. If you wanted to do hobbies etc. you've got the chance. Not easy when you're on your own though.

Kissingfrogs25 · 11/09/2022 17:15

I moved back from years overseas to find most of not all of my friends had got married and moved miles away and the ones left were different people to how I had remembered, we had nothing in common.

I moved to a place with no family and no friends. I had to start again. The first thing I did was get a job, and even though I had nothing in common I still went out for drinks with them, and it one night out when I met a great friend! Don’t be picky go out with everyone, see everyone as s friend and your network will grow.

This great friend introduced me to lots of new friends and suddenly I had more friends. I was never to proud to say hey what are you doing Friday night to anyone. Have some confidence.

I made some more friends in my Pilates group. I basically put my ego to one side and asked them to meet for coffee. Remembered what was important to them and was very caring.

One friend then introduced me to my now dh.

You have to be prepared for people to say no occasionally and that’s okay. Not everyone has space for new friends it’s not personal.

Op you need to invite your sister for dinner, buy her a small bunch of flowers and ask her how she actually is. If she is having a tough time, support her. Reconcile your differences. She sounds important to you.

Stop saying or giving the impression you like your own company, you could be giving people the wrong impression.

zonky · 11/09/2022 17:35

loseridiot · 11/09/2022 16:14

Thanks @Wonderingwhattodo27 . In that case unfortunately there's no more that can be done. You've reached out many times and your sister had the option of contacting you. Yes it does leave a large hole and worse when you don't really have much company. If your sister does decice to touch base in future, it may well be the case you've moved on by then. Hopefully you'll have loads of friends and hobbies!

'friends' are unlikely to make up for family, you're lucky if anyone can be bothered to meet up nowadays let alone anything else.

I hope your sister gets in touch @Wonderingwhattodo27

frozendaisy · 11/09/2022 18:14

What are your passions for society?
Church, green issues, libraries, education?

Find something you want to be part of the progress to, get involved, baby steps at first. Find your tribe. Friends will follow.

Successgirl2022 · 11/09/2022 18:19

How old are you?

What are your hobbies and interests?

In which county/near what city do you live (just in case anyone is close to you looking for a friend/partner too)?

loseridiot · 11/09/2022 19:44

zonky · 11/09/2022 17:35

'friends' are unlikely to make up for family, you're lucky if anyone can be bothered to meet up nowadays let alone anything else.

I hope your sister gets in touch @Wonderingwhattodo27

I appreciate that but not all relatives bother either. I also appreciate the OP's sister may have a lot going on but the OP has reached out repeatedly and gets nothing much back. There's only so much you can do except leave the door open.

SometimesMaybe · 11/09/2022 20:11

OP I’m sorry you feel so lonely. It does sound very hard.
Ive moved to a few places on my own but usually had a social workplace as support and family back home so not the same as you, but what I found helped was to never say “no” to any offer to meet up.
I also joined a night class (language) and joined a local charity (adult literacy). I didn’t necessarily make amazing friends in all situations but I did meet people to chat and have social contact with.
If there is something you are keen on / gardening, local history, photography try and find a local group that is looking for help is so that they can’t afford to be cliquey! You also have to persevere it won’t happen overnight but possibly take months at one group to make connections - what might appear as cliques may just be people who have a shared past. You have to build that with them.

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