What to do next with out of control son

[esgee]

My son is 32. He is a drug addict, heroin, xanax, tramadol and any kind of alcohol he can get his hands on. He doesn't drive, everything is delivered by post, and I mean everything.
10 years ago he was diagnosed with OCD and borderline personality disorder, anxiety and chronic depression
He has a job within our business which he does well at, he has his own house, which resembles a crack den, but that is how he chooses to live.

He says every single day that he wants to die, he has the means to do it. He loathes everyone and everything. I couldn't even repeat the dreadful things he says.

He has had DBT CBT and will not under any circumstances go to a residential clinic.
Believe it or not, we have learnt to live with this crap. we've had to.
Things have got a lot worse in the last 2 years. I think his brain has been addled by the xanax.
He's jumped out of my moving car, - he was drunk
fallen into a bonfire, hospitalised for 3 weeks not drunk
set fire to an used building of ours and recorded it - high
threw a lump hammer through his brothers kitchen window - high
smashed his brothers car up - high
breaks into our houses and steals alcohol in desperation.
deliberately crashes the farm vehicles into posts and haystacks

But the thing is, after he destroys something, he always replaces it and says sorry, as if it makes everything alright again. He can't understand why we won't accept his apologies, and why we don't 'move on' He's paid for it hasn't he????what's the problem?
I don't know what to do now, except sit and wait for the next drama. I don't know what I'm asking for really.
He will not go back to the GP. He says he likes who he is.

How many times have you reported the arson, vandalism and violence to the police?

Get him the hell off your property, for a start.

If he does well at work, keep him on but don't do him any favours for being family.

No keys to the business or anyone else's houses.

If he breaks in, report him to the police! Get cctv and use it.

That's the big drip feed question His brother IS the police.

DS2 is a junior police officer, and we have begged him not to report yet.
All these things happen on our land and our houses.

But we are at the end of our tether now, something will happen soon and DS2 will have to help us. DS1 will not survive a sentence of any description, especially if we put him there.

If there is no consequence to the damage he causes, ie you call the police to report vandalism or you refuse to continue contact because he is causing so much stress, then he has no need to change.
If you are happy with the work he is doing then I would keep that as the only interaction.

He needs to be reported, sorry OP but it is the only way

So you do know what you need to do then. Call the police.

something will happen soon and DS2 will have to help us.

What does this mean? No, your other son shouldn't have to help you - call other police!!!

Get a restraining order and cut him out your life

Well if there are no consequences to his actions, why should he change those actions?

He needs a rock bottom and maybe an arrest and having to face the consequences would prove to be that but at the moment you are merely enabling him so nothing will change

He doesn’t have to accept any real consequences. It’s like if you beat someone up, you know they’ll forgive you if you say sorry and give them a treat.

Its easy for me to say this, I realise that, but from an outside perspective he needs to feel a real consequence.

I also think its unfair for DS2 to have to report DS1. I think one of his parents.will have to do it because you're DS2s parents as well .

Time to get him Sectioned I think. Useful link here:
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/sectioning/about-sectioning/

He is a risk to himself and others and does not have the stability of mind to make rational decisions.

If you’re not reporting the incidents you mention to the Police, you are accepting his apologies by brushing it under the carpet and using his lifestyle choices as the excuse. That other family members are in the police is neither here nor there.

Ultimately though, if he doesn’t want to change, he won’t and will end up killing himself, intentionally or by accident/overdose. Hopefully nobody else will be injured in that process.

He’s not an adult of sound mind so some tough love is needed from you.

You need to report him to the police yourselves and leave DS2 out of it, before somebody other than DS1 ends up seriously hurt, or dead.

You are really not doing DS1 any favours by enabling his behaviour.

I agree with you all, but I am afraid of the consequences. He keeps threatening to kill himself all the time. What if he does?

These incidents usually happen if one of us has a row with him. They are punishments because we don't 'obey' the rules. Basically if we disagree about something, something will happen. Or he comes to my house (I took my key off him yesterday and he smashed a beloved garden ornament and has ordered another to replace it) and rants and paces and rants... for bloody hours

He's been almost sectioned before,
I say almost because the 3 dozy doctors who came to the house , after a 2 hour chat, said there was nothing wrong with him, and unless he stopped taking the drugs, he was sober at the time, there was no reason to!

And I agree that we are enabling him, I know that, I really do.

It's threats to kill himself , he could have easily done it by now.

i Would to report him for threatening to kill himself. It could be a bluff or lashing out but You will regret it forever if you don’t act on it.

Be kind to ds2 and report him when he's off shift, or warn him that it will happen.

But basically you've enabled a situation where if he doesn't get what he wants he throws an adult (law breaking) tantrum and gets away with it because he threatens to kill himself.

You can't change him, you can only change how you respond to him (by calling the police, including if he makes any serious death threats)

If he really wanted to kill himself he would have done it by now, those who are serious don't have an audience they just do it. He is manipulating you into doing what he wants.
I understand a lot of this because my brother is the same. I really feel for you and also understand it's not as easy as just calling the police.
Do you have anyone you talk to? We had a group for families of those with drug and alcohol issues, the support was amazing and is really helping us all get through it.

NC for this. My son is much younger than yours (and I'm embarrassed to admit it - school age) and has a serious drug addiction. He kicks behaves and restarts.
He steals, lies, smashes stuff up, does stupid things and attacks the family etc. The difference being he won't pay for stuff after as he has no money.
After the latest physical assault and smashing up episode, as parents we reported him to the police. He was arrested.
He's also tried to kill himself - not cries for help - serious attempts requiring resus.
I don't pretend to have any answers. I just wanted to show support.
For me the lack of support from friends etc - who don't know the truth of the story has been very hard.

“I agree with you all, but I am afraid of the consequences. He keeps threatening to kill himself all the time. What if he does?”

What are the consequences you are afraid of?

He’s going to die anyway, by his own actions. One day his body just won’t be able to cope with the demands being placed on it through drink/drugs. All you can hope is that nobody else is injured or killed in the process running up to that.

@Faerielight the difference here is that you reported him to the police - you were proactive The OP won't/can't/daren't do that, for whatever reason.

Why are you putting such a burden on your other son, the Police officer? If his superiors ever thought he was concealing something serious he could be in trouble.

This is an incredibly sad situation for you to be in . Like previous posters it does sound like police involvement is needed before he really hurts someone else. Arson etc he could kill someone and there is no replacement for that .
thinking of you

One of my family members is a police office and she had a moral obligation to report anything that needs reporting and if he doesn't report things your other son could loose his job and jeopardise his career.

If he is sectioned under the mental health act or he is arrested and the. Locked up perhaps this is the wake up call he needs

This is a very sad situation but you are in a way allowing it to happen by brushing it under the carpet and he will know you won't do anything so it's enabling him.

Think about yourself and your other son and do the right thing hard as it may be - it could be the making of him as it sounds like he is on the road to self destruction.