What to do next with out of control son

[esgee]

My son is 32. He is a drug addict, heroin, xanax, tramadol and any kind of alcohol he can get his hands on. He doesn't drive, everything is delivered by post, and I mean everything.
10 years ago he was diagnosed with OCD and borderline personality disorder, anxiety and chronic depression
He has a job within our business which he does well at, he has his own house, which resembles a crack den, but that is how he chooses to live.

He says every single day that he wants to die, he has the means to do it. He loathes everyone and everything. I couldn't even repeat the dreadful things he says.

He has had DBT CBT and will not under any circumstances go to a residential clinic.
Believe it or not, we have learnt to live with this crap. we've had to.
Things have got a lot worse in the last 2 years. I think his brain has been addled by the xanax.
He's jumped out of my moving car, - he was drunk
fallen into a bonfire, hospitalised for 3 weeks not drunk
set fire to an used building of ours and recorded it - high
threw a lump hammer through his brothers kitchen window - high
smashed his brothers car up - high
breaks into our houses and steals alcohol in desperation.
deliberately crashes the farm vehicles into posts and haystacks

But the thing is, after he destroys something, he always replaces it and says sorry, as if it makes everything alright again. He can't understand why we won't accept his apologies, and why we don't 'move on' He's paid for it hasn't he????what's the problem?
I don't know what to do now, except sit and wait for the next drama. I don't know what I'm asking for really.
He will not go back to the GP. He says he likes who he is.

It wouldn’t be you putting him in prison OP, it’s him and his actions which, frankly, you’ve tolerated, enabled and actually encouraged by not reporting this shit.

His brain and body has been so damaged by drugs that you cannot expect him to function with rational behaviour.

To protect him and to help him, you must get your son to be admitted for professional help. Otherwise, one day he will self harm, harm you or cause the loss of life to some innocent person. You have the power to decide what to do.

You really do need to report him every time he does this, including the threats of suicide. I would also recommend not continuing as his employer - that's making it far too cushy for him. Doesn't matter that he does well at his job, the violence towards you should be enough for a dismissal, and wouldn't it be better to have someone in post who is just a functioning human being?

Mental illness may be the cause of all this, but it isn't an excuse. My youngest has just been diagnosed with BPD and PTSD, has long suffered with depression and anxiety - and is a fully functioning human being who is succeeding academically and socially. Because they are working so, so hard to manage their mental health.

These incidents usually happen if one of us has a row with him. They are punishments because we don't 'obey' the rules. Basically if we disagree about something, something will happen.

So this is the wrong way round. If you don't do what he wants, you face the consequences. However he can damage your property and get away with it. Somehow no one has got hurt.

People who openly threaten to kill themselves rarely do, it is just the ultimate threat.

You need to stand up to him and get him the help he needs but does not want. This is just a downward spiral - report to the police, get him sectioned, anything rather than just expecting an apology.

Just wanted to post OP and sympathise. My DH's youngest brother is very similar, even down them being a farming family. My DH has for many years had nothing to do with him. Their situation is not quite as bad as your situation, but not far off. There's been less violence and he has been in trouble with the police (drunk and drug driving), but he still lives at home, and takes the absolute piss out of the situation.

I really hope you can find a solution as living in this situation is not healthy.

He might calm down a bit as he ages. Hold on to that hope OP. People really do change. Maybe he’ll reach a point where the drink and drugs no longer have any effect.

I have known several young men like this, and they all had two things in common - boredom and unhappiness. What he really needs is something to live for. That could be a partner or child, or it could even be a hobby. I know it sounds feeble, but it’s surprising what a difference a passion can make. Is there nothing he enjoys? Music? Birdwatching? MMA? Windsurfing? Fishing? It really doesn’t matter.

Or maybe he should visit the cancer ward where my SIL works. They have a pretty 17-year-old girl dying on her ward. That might cure him of his self-pity, especially if he saw her parents sobbing their hearts out in the family room.

OP I’m so sorry your going through this. Unfortunately it’s very familiar to me so much so it could be written by my own mother. My brother seems to have read the same play book as your son so I really understand how difficult it is and how hard this is for the whole family waiting on the next drama. I think the only thing you can do is go NC. Not for him, because it may not make a difference to him but for yourself. He is an adult and how he chooses to live his life is up to him and sadly there is nothing you can do to “fix” him. You need to go NC for yourself and the rest of your family.

I made this very sad decision a few years ago and while it still makes me very sad I know it was the right thing to do. I told him I loved him and if he ever truly turned his life around I would be there but i would need to see true change and until then I couldn’t have any part in his life or thin in mine.

My mother on the other hand has chosen to continue much like you have. I’ve watched her became a shell of herself, so anxious and terrified of what he will do next. It’s no way to live and sadly has taken a toll on our own relationship, although neither of us admit it.

You need to make a change. For yourself because sadly I don’t think there’s anything you can do for him, he needs to do that himself.

As harsh as it sounds this is true.

He is using this threat as a mechanism to control you.

Report him to the police and cut ties with him before he kills one of you.

He can replace a window, a vehicle, a fence, he can’t replace someone he’s killed when he’s high and has access to vehicles. He should have been arrested and held accountable for his behaviour at the beginning. By begging your younger son, and putting him in a terrible situation, you are enabling your dangerous son to continue.
Addictions are hard and you have to get hard to deal with them.

It seems as if you’ve inadvertently enabled your son for too long, by employing him etc. He has no incentive to get better, especially as he doesn’t have any consequences for his behaviour. His behaviour is typical addict behaviour. My son exhibited similar behaviour, but we called the Police, he wasn’t allowed to come to our house, if I met up with him it was always in a public place for my safety.
I receive support from www.familiesanonymous.org.uk, which is the family/friends of somebody with a suspected drug problem. He actually thanked me for using Tough Love, as he felt that he wouldn’t be the man that he is. For today, he’s at university, works and is welcome at our house.

This is an awful situation for you and I really understand your hesitation to involve the police. It’s easy when it’s not your own son to be sure that you would report his actions but sometimes it’s the only way.
My son has done similar damage and is mostly unrepentant as apparently he can’t help it. I have taken the very painful decision to have no contact with him and it feels like a bereavement only without the sympathy from the outside world. Although it breaks my heart, I simply could not live with the constant violence, threats and intimidation when he absolutely refused to get help of any kind. As a result he now hates me and blames me for all his misfortunes but at least I don’t have the daily rants and tirades to endure.
I hope and pray that he will turn his life around as he is still a very young adult. He has been arrested a few times and I know he is terrified of going to prison, but sometimes I think that maybe he really needs to hit rock bottom before he can accept help. Unfortunately, I’m not sure we will ever have a normal relationship again, despite the fact that we had an amazingly close relationship when he was a child. As I said, he truly has broken my hear.

This is a case of enabling. Years and years of enabling have brought you to the point where you describe him as out of control. I suspect that you have been kidding yourself for a long time that he has been under control and that it's possible to get him back to that state.

Control is an illusion. It's time to wash your hands of this problem.

Call police for damage to property.

Call an ambulance if he threatens suicide.

Get a non molestation order.

Get therapy. Narcotics Anonymoys can help you see the trap you've dug for yourself by entertaining the idea that you can control your son.

You need to stop enabling him and keeping him out of trouble. You may not want to report him to the police but his brother probably does and should be allowed to do so. A family member of mine is an addict. They've wrecked their mother's house , threatened and abused her and other family members but they never did it to me because they knew the first threat or small bit of damage and I'd have rang the police. They once threatened to kill themselves in my company , so I called the police. Addicts know where the boundaries lie and they know who they can manipulate. Stop being manipulated and start making a stand against your sons behaviour.

Such a hard read OP, I really hope you're okay this must take such a huge toll on you.
I do understand why PPs are saying call the police etc, but that's not going to solve the problem. What he needs is help, he needs to be detoxed and spend time in a residential rehab. He needs a lot of therapy to deal with the problems he clearly has & to learn new ways to live without the drugs. It is possible for addicts to turn their lives around especially if they have a supportive family like you guys.

Is this something he has considered before or you've spoken with him about? If you wanted to PM me I could put you in touch with a facility that my mum manages. They're an amazing place who truly change peoples lives.

Did anything traumatic happen to him when he was younger?

He’s acting like a child/teenager and the fact that everyone is allowing this behaviour makes me think there’s more to the story.

He’s crying out for attention!
His behaviour is going to keep getting worse because everyone keeps letting him get away with it.

Young people need boundaries and rules as a way of showing you love them.
As he hasn’t grown up yet, you need to show him you care by putting these boundaries in place.

You don’t need to cut him off or anything extreme.

@starynight63 if your mum runs a rehab facility then you will know that an addict can only change if he actively wants to. This man does not want to. That being so, OP needs to focus on protecting herself and the rest of her family from his influence and leave him to stand alone. Right now she isn't aupportive, she's enabling. They are two completely different things.

I absolutely totally agree with everything you've all written, especially the enabling.
I will come back a bit later.
He is now passed out in my spare room.

I'm not afraid of him, I am totally confident he won't hurt me.
I'm afraid FOR him.

@starynight63 he will feel a lot more motivated to turn his life around when it becomes clear to him that he no longer has a handy set of punch bags in the shape of his family to use as he pleases.