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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp needing thinking time over work

45 replies

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 08/09/2022 13:24

My dp who works away and I see at a weekend has decided this morning to have a weekend alone to think about how he can sort out his working life to maintain our relationship. He has said he feels stressed and that he is struggling to find a balance.

We are currently getting no time alone together as after covid is back full time in his office and his ds is with us every weekend.

I'm feeling really distraught as I'm talking it as him wanting out of the relationship. Don't even know what I expect anyone to say here I've been incredibly anxious lately.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 08/09/2022 14:28

I see that as a positive for your relationship, not a negative. An emotional maturity on his part that he’s recognised a problem and is being proactive to resolve it.

Most men posted about on here would just know there’s a problem, ignore it, then blame/take it out on the DP when they aren’t getting their own way.

He’s realised that you guys don’t get to spend any quality time together due to his work pattern and needs some thinking time to work out a plan. Maybe how he can approach his boss and “sell” a different work pattern to them.

Plenty of people where I work have approached their bosses, post-covid/lockdowns, with a view to altering their working hours, arrangements, etc. as they’ve realised there is another way to achieve a better work/life balance which isn’t detrimental to the company.

Lockdowns have proved “there is another way” and employers are increasingly having to listen to that.

Push your anxiety into a box marked pending for now and see what your fella comes back with Brew Cake

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 08/09/2022 18:15

Thank you for that perspective

OP posts:
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 08/09/2022 18:20

My dp who works away and I see at a weekend has decided this morning to have a weekend alone to think about how he can sort out his working life to maintain our relationship. He has said he feels stressed and that he is struggling to find a balance.

not really sure why you think he is to end the relationship, I would read this as the opposite and he wants to make things stronger, sounds like a positive thing to me.

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 08/09/2022 18:22

I think because I asked him if it meant he wanted us to split up and he replied with I just need time to think

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 09/09/2022 01:16

Sorry, I'm a tad less optimistic, but that's based on how you've been feeling anxious for a while, so there has been a change of how he's being with you and you are picking up on it.
It seems odd to me that anyone would agree to terms of having their DC every weekend - how is that equitable or even compatible with a life balance, surely it should be shared out? It smaks of a man who is willing to do anything their ex says either to gain their favour back, or from fear of repercussions, either way its a sign of emotional entanglement to the past.
Out of commitments and demands on his time, there's his DS, you and work. Out of those 3, it's seeing you he's not doing, so I think basically, he is perhaps reconsidering the relationship.

Tsort · 09/09/2022 01:20

Do you never just want time alone, OP?

If I were working away all week and spending all my weekends with a partner, with whom I didn’t live, I’d be quite stressed and burnt out. Where’s the ‘me’ time?

And if said partner responded to my request for a weekend alone by getting distraught and asking if I was ending things, it certainly wouldn’t make me feel less stressed.

BeetrootBeetrootGhali · 09/09/2022 01:23

Who’ll be looking after his son that weekend?

Opentooffers · 09/09/2022 01:55

Also, you asked if he wanted to split and in reply he said he needed to think - not a no then, so he is considering it.

Aikko · 09/09/2022 08:18

"I think because I asked him if it meant he wanted us to split up and he replied with I just need time to think"

Time to think? He should be communicating the issues and concerns with you together, as a team.

Do you suspect he is shagging someone else whilst he's 'working away', and trying to come up with an excuse to end it with you?

Tsort · 09/09/2022 08:24

Taking time to think does not mean one will not subsequently communicate. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

The MN ‘he must be cheating’ solution to every bloody scenario is insane. The man just asked for a weekend to himself. That is neither suspicious nor a crime. What’s wrong with you people?

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 09/09/2022 08:28

No I don't think he's cheating.

He has had his son all weekend every weekend for his whole life. The problem is we don't want him to resent me for taking him away from his dad as it's what he's used to. We've been together for 18 months but I've only met his ds in the last 2 months. And he is A LOT and I mean behaviour wise he won't leave us alone he's constantly whining and moaning so this has changed the dynamic of our time together and he is feeling this stress.

He has said this morning that he needs to figure out a way to not have him every weekend without really hurting him

OP posts:
AllAboutMargot · 09/09/2022 08:39

I'd be reconsidering my relationship too. if my partner described my child as 'whining and moaning'.

girlmom21 · 09/09/2022 08:43

If I introduced my child to my partner and they clearly didn't like them I'd be distancing myself too.

He's had all week away to think.

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 09/09/2022 08:46

Where did I say I didn't like him?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/09/2022 08:48

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 09/09/2022 08:46

Where did I say I didn't like him?

And he is A LOT and I mean behaviour wise he won't leave us alone he's constantly whining and moaning

MichelleScarn · 09/09/2022 08:49

We've been together for 18 months but I've only met his ds in the last 2 months.
How does that work? You only see him at weekends, but he has his son every weekend? Where was the son in the first 16 months?

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 09/09/2022 08:49

He is a lot and he does. Doesn't mean I don't like him. I've welcomed him into my home and treated him as my own

OP posts:
BeetrootBeetrootGhali · 09/09/2022 08:50

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 09/09/2022 08:49

He is a lot and he does. Doesn't mean I don't like him. I've welcomed him into my home and treated him as my own

Why?

He’s not your child. You barely know him.

Maybe this is the issue?

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 09/09/2022 08:52

Oh ffs because he is my dp's child and I'm his partner. I want him to feel like he's welcome here it's ridiculous that you would even ask that question

OP posts:
Tsort · 09/09/2022 08:52

He has said this morning that he needs to figure out a way to not have him every weekend without really hurting him

So, he literally told you what he was thinking and your response was to be ‘distraught’ and ask if he was breaking up with you?

My dp who works away and I see at a weekend…He has had his son all weekend every weekend for his whole life…We've been together for 18 months but I've only met his ds in the last 2 months

Sorry, but those statements contradict each other. If you only see him at weekends and he has always had his son every weekend, how did you manage to see him for the 16 months prior to meeting his son?

Tsort · 09/09/2022 08:55

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 09/09/2022 08:52

Oh ffs because he is my dp's child and I'm his partner. I want him to feel like he's welcome here it's ridiculous that you would even ask that question

No, it’s ridiculous that you’d claim to treat a child you’ve only just met and spent a handful of weekends with ‘like your own’. You don’t even know him.

You’re not coming across well here, OP.

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 09/09/2022 08:57

Because in lockdown he was able to work from home.

I don't understand why I'm being attacked here. By treating him as my own I mean spending time getting to know him and doing loads activities he likes

OP posts:
ChippingLeCrue · 09/09/2022 08:57

For a more fairly divided weekend why doesn't he split the weekend so he still sees his son but for a shorter duration. He could do Friday - Saturday 5pm or so then the Mum has him Saturday after 5pm so she gets Sunday or vice versa. That way each parent gets a weekend night free, one gets Friday and one gets Saturday.

My friend did this with her ex. They felt it was fairer that the child was with them for some fun stuff rather than just the Mum having the child all week with all the school commitments.

Dery · 09/09/2022 09:05

“For a more fairly divided weekend why doesn't he split the weekend so he still sees his son but for a shorter duration. He could do Friday - Saturday 5pm or so then the Mum has him Saturday after 5pm so she gets Sunday or vice versa. That way each parent gets a weekend night free, one gets Friday and one gets Saturday.”

This sounds sensible.

It’s hard, OP. It sounds like you and your BF have been sensible about the relationship and in particular about you meeting your BF’s son but your BF is now struggling with trying to keep everyone happy at the weekend when he would probably also like some down time from his job. You clearly recognise that his son is the priority but his son may resent sharing his dad when he has limited time with him (I’m sure you’re alive to that point also).

I think the best thing you can do is make clear to your partner that you understand how much juggling he is trying to do and you will do your best to help him accommodate his family arrangements. And then give him a bit of space to work things out. Because I think he’s more likely to feel able to keep your relationship going if you show that you can give him that bit of space than if you don’t.

Tsort · 09/09/2022 09:05

Because in lockdown he was able to work from home

Meaning what? You saw him during the week? But you’ve only been together for 18 months, so that’s not relevant for most of your relationship. So, again, where was this kid when you were seeing your DP on weekends for all those months?

Also, for the record, spending a few weekends being nice to a child is not ‘treating them like your own’. It’s being nice to a child.