Dp needing thinking time over work

[Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz]

My dp who works away and I see at a weekend has decided this morning to have a weekend alone to think about how he can sort out his working life to maintain our relationship. He has said he feels stressed and that he is struggling to find a balance.

We are currently getting no time alone together as after covid is back full time in his office and his ds is with us every weekend.

I'm feeling really distraught as I'm talking it as him wanting out of the relationship. Don't even know what I expect anyone to say here I've been incredibly anxious lately.

Ok well I'm sorry I used the wrong terminology that wasn't intentional I was just trying to say that I had made an effort with him

Where was this kid when you were seeing your DP on weekends for all those months?

We didn't see eachother at weekends ever. Up until 2 months ago he was able to work from home part time and so we were able to see eachother then

Thank you for clarifying. Although, as lockdown didn’t end two months ago, still think the fact that you brought it up as opposed to just giving this explanation is pretty odd.

So, he was basically forced to introduce you to his son two months ago, as it was either that or choose between ditching his son or not seeing you on a weekend. His son clearly doesn’t like it, and it all sounds a bit much. He’s naturally stressed.

He’s asked for a weekend to himself to figure things out and presumably spend some time with his son without you there. You responded by getting distraught at the prospect of giving him a tiny bit of breathing room and not seeing him for one weekend. and by asking if he was dumping you.

Have I covered it all? If so, why have you behaved like this?

So the only time the kids gets with his dad is when you're there? That's sad.

You say his son being there changes the dynamic between you. Well you being there must change the dynamic between father and son. I wouldn't be surprised if this is why the child is behaving badly and whining. I'm not saying it's your fault but it's an issue that needs to be addressed. It sounds like your partner us being very sensible to take some time to consider it all. You shouldn't be acting needy about this. How and when he sees his son (and you) is important. Give him space to think.

I feel like I'm being totally misunderstood here.

Dp was able to work here after full lockdown 2 days a week still.

I guess you're right I was introduced to him once this could no longer happen and he began coming to mine. They do get time together as I work at weekends.

He has nowhere to live currently other than his work flat.

I'm not trying to come between them or ruin their time together.

I reacted the way I did because I'm terribly anxious at the moment, I'm having counselling for childhood trauma and I'm having a hard time

It sounds like there’s a lot of pressure on you both and he’s recognising that.

I think it shows a level of maturity from him to ask for the space and time to reflect. Try to use this weekend to do something just for yourself. I’d also think this through yourself.

If his DC is still fairly young, then you may have years ahead of you of making compromises around the time you get to spend together. Is that something YOU are comfortable with?

You haven’t been misunderstood. Try to engage with what’s being said to you.

You realise that his son, a pretty major factor in all this, doesn’t even appear in your OP? Which was titled ‘Dp needing thinking time over work’. Why do you think that is?

I'm not trying to come between them or ruin their time together

But this post only exists because he’s spending one weekend with his son, without you, and you promptly lost the plot. You don’t see how that’s trying to come between them?

I’ve had a look at your previous posts and I’m sorry about what you’re going through, but the fundamental issue here appears to be you. From anxiety about cheating, to monitoring his what’s app to panicking about alone time. So you’ll need to find ways to deal with that. Counselling (which it’s great you’re already doing), CBT, mindfulness apps, blogs on anxiety. There are actions you can take to stop behaving this way.

Also, you may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control what you do. I think you should start.

Is he a slow thinker? Why does he need a whole weekend? Can't this be done in 5 mins during a lunch break?

Can't this be done in 5 mins during a lunch break?

I couldn't make any big decision in that time

You're getting a hard time here OP (undeservedly IMO) because saying you're treating your boyfriend's child "like your own" is a bit of a red rag to a bull to those who have to give up time with their children and "share" them with their ex's new girlfriend - who along with dad gets all the happy fun bits while mum is left with the weekday drudgery.

Leaving that aside...

Is this relationship heightening your existing anxiety, or lessening it? If it's the former, is it right for you to be in this relationship right now?

Honestly, OP, no one can possibly know what's behind your DP's request for a weekend to think, and it sounds like your anxiety is making this really difficult for you.

My relationship is sort of similar to yours in that he works away for much of the week and as this means he can't do 50:50 contact with his DD, she often spends 3 weekends a month with us. We're in a committed relationship though; we knew early on that we wanted to live together and introduce us and our kids to each other in a timely manner. For us, this was 4 months in, my DS (12) met DP, a month later I met his DD (8) and then we met with the kids a few weeks after that. Others may think this is too soon, but we know our own kids and it was right for us.

Anyway, I think first meeting his DC 16 months in, and only then because it was unavoidable, suggests you have a different kind of relationship, at least from your DP's perspective. Have you spoken about your future together?

What do you do? Respect his request and whatever decision he makes. It sounds like your relationship worked in a specific set of circumstances and times have changed.

I think it's great that your DP sees his son every weekend, it shows that he wants to be an involved parent, despite working away during the week.

I'm sorry that it's affecting your relationship, but it's positive that he wants to consider how to improve things. I wouldn't get overly anxious, OP, he sounds like he's trying to do the right thing for his child, while also maintaining his relationship with you, and that's a good sign.

The therapist I'm seeing has diagnosed self esteem, attachment and fear of abandonment as my anxiety triggers. So thank you to those who have attacked me on this page you've really not helped.

Those who have been kind I've taken your advice on board

I love my dp and I'm enjoying getting to know his ds. Yes he's a handful - dp will tell you that himself and that's one of the reasons he waited so long to bring him - he wanted our relationship to be established.

We have discussed living together and are committed to one another. The build up of anxiety is coming from the change in circumstances and us being unable to have any quality time alone.

Ahh OK 16 months makes more sense now, especially if his DS is young. If he's a handful now, OP, it's worth you going forward with your eyes open to how tough this could be for you and your relationship going forward. Your DP is likely thinking about this amongst the other things this weekend.

Communication is so key here, so keep the channel clear for him to be open and honest with you, and yes to PP, respect his standpoint.

His ds is 10. And I know that is a funny age to be introduced to a new person in his dads life - this is something he's never had to experience before and he has never had to share him with anyone. I've been so mindful of this but I think the build up possibly made it stressful for me on top of everything else

I bet it has, 16 months is such a long time: right through the honeymoon period and possibly out the other side! Your DP sounds like a thoughtful and mature person and parent. My partner also has concerns about his working pattern. Unfortunately, there's not much he can do to change it apart from leaving and looking for roles with less travel, which are rare in his line of work. Try not to worry and do something nice and just for yourself this weekend.

Your partner does need to consider how to organise his time. Working all week and then seeing his son every weekend leaves him with no personal life at all.
He'd probably benefit from seeing him every other weekend. One weekend a month just him and his son, the other with you.
The son's mum would benefit from having some weekends with him too.

I wouldn't take it personally as any relationship would be the same for him, not just yours.

Kids deserve time and effort but parents deserve a life too.