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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could this be an affair or just him wanting me to be the one that asks for divorce?

34 replies

Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 08:17

A few months ago DH was very moody, multiple occasions. Then he didn't do something with impacted one dc negatively. I asked him if he was depressed, would he see a GP? He was really defensive, I let it settle for a couple of weeks.

I booked a sitter so we had time to ourselves and raised it all in a really caring way. He said he probably is depressed but will not go to GP or talk to anyone. He also said he made a mistake ever marrying me or having kids!

I asked him if he wanted to raise any issues with me, thinking marriage related and he assassinated my work history and some recent decisions I have made. Decisions which aren't controversial.

Anyway we went home and he has avoided it ever since. I'm sure he is Autistic but I feel I am also on the spectrum.

I asked to talk to him last night but he cane home so late it wasn't possible. I am seeing a counsellor by myself, only had one session so far.

We haven't had sex for a few months and the last time was at my initiation. Also to add I'm currently not working to care for a disabled dc and have always shouldered this while his career carried on. I appreciate it's not easy working and suffering disturbed nights and evenings.

If we did split I would want 50/50 and I would return to work. There is no way he could do his job and have 50/50.

I would love him to make changes and work on things but I'm so miserable like this and who wants to be told they are a mistake!

Any help would be appreciated. How do you talk to someone that stonewalls you?!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 08:24

He can refuse to have them 50% remember.
Take a look at any joint bank accounts and keep an eye on them.
If you’ve got any savings you might want to consider moving half of them to an account of your own.

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 08:30

We have no savings unfortunately.

What if I refuse to have them for a higher proportion? There is no way I'm having them so he can carry on living like a single bloke.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 08/09/2022 08:30

Whether he’s having an affair or not it does sound as if he’s very unhappy, and so are you. Maybe give the counselling a few weeks and use it to explore the best way through for you.

Joey69 · 08/09/2022 08:37

He certainly sounds unhappy/ depressed, he might have mentally checked out of the relationship, but is unsure about the reality of leaving,
have you asked bin about splitting up and how he would feel about that?

KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 08:37

You can’t force him to have the kids. I know it’s unfair, but you can’t physically make him have them.

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 08:43

All I would say to that is he can't force me to have them either. I would say he either does 50/50 or then they will have to go into care. I wouldn't do that but I know plenty of people of do 50/50. I think his family would step up once I wasn't around anyway.

Yes I think he has checked out too. I feel he had a high level of contempt for me and I'm totally under appreciated.

OP posts:
HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 08/09/2022 08:47

KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 08:37

You can’t force him to have the kids. I know it’s unfair, but you can’t physically make him have them.

How does this work? What if both parents refuse 50/50...who takes the kids?

MMmomDD · 08/09/2022 08:55

It doesn’t sound like an affair. It does sound like you both are in a bad place. He - seems depressed, and you are carrying the majority of the childcare load, and there is a disability to add to it all.

Is there anything that you can possibly do to get extra help for your dc - from council or anywhere else? I wonder if going back to work - may give you a bit of a break and make you feel better?
For what it’s worth - I don’t think he feels content for you, I think he feels life is hard and he isn’t strong enough for the what he was dealt. So - hard as it is - I’d ignore the actual words he said and try to think of what you two can do to try to ease the burden/pressure on the both of you.
Divorcing won’t solve anything really - as it will only make it all harder for everybody involved

MintJulia · 08/09/2022 09:06

It sounds like he may be struggling with being the only one bringing in any money. Can you find some part time work to help with that. It would also be good to have a tie in the workplace in case you do split.

Isaidnoalready · 08/09/2022 09:12

Your supposed to love your children more than you hate each other so stamping your feet saying you won't take them more than him so he can live the "single life" will only hurt them in the long term

CateringForThree · 08/09/2022 09:13

MintJulia · 08/09/2022 09:06

It sounds like he may be struggling with being the only one bringing in any money. Can you find some part time work to help with that. It would also be good to have a tie in the workplace in case you do split.

Well that’s a good idea, the part time job.
As long as he ALSO actually does some work in the house and looks after his own dcs to compensate for the extra work the OP is doing.

What would not be fair is the OP being a carer and working a part time job and still doing all the work around the house as of the was still a SAHM/carer.

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 09:14

I don't think that would be an issue. I'm just trying to get across that by me sacrificing my career to care for a disabled dc he has been promoted etc.

If he had then half the week alone if we split as he seems to want, he would need to go part time as there is no appropriate childcare for my child and the the direct payments wouldn't cover it in the holidays etc.

In my mind the best thing for us all would be to work on our marriage, be happier and not have to make these changes.

However he drains every pleasant experience and refuses to get help sp what can I do other than rot with him?

OP posts:
CateringForThree · 08/09/2022 09:15

Isaidnoalready · 08/09/2022 09:12

Your supposed to love your children more than you hate each other so stamping your feet saying you won't take them more than him so he can live the "single life" will only hurt them in the long term

And I actually think the OP has a point.
Why shouod we, as women, automatically assume we are awful people for refusing to care for our dcs but fathers get a get out if jail card and seeing their dcs EOW is considered ok - basically carrying living as if they were single with no children, carrying in with the career, their hobbies etc… whilst mothers are left doing all the work and I poverty because you know, being a carer for a child does that to you….

CateringForThree · 08/09/2022 09:17

If he had then half the week alone if we split as he seems to want, he would need to go part time as there is no appropriate childcare for my child and the the direct payments wouldn't cover it in the holidays etc.

Can I just say @Mirabelle77
Its
he would need to go part time as there is no appropriate childcare for HIS or OUR (not my…) child and the the direct payments wouldn't cover it in the holidays etc.

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 09:20

When I worked 4 days a week pre pandemic, I still did all the metal load etc and paperwork in relation to two disabled dcs, one is severe and needs a very high level of care.

I am currently looking for work but one of the flashpoints was him taking time off in the holidays. He doesn't seem able to cope with them when I'm around never mind when I'm not.

I suggested me working and his reducing his hours. The issue is if I get a job there is nobody for the dcs. One dc missed over a month of schooling last year due to issues at the school. No grandparent can have them, no direct payment package is created for you to work. That isn't how it happens. Imagine if you or your dh were the only people who could look after your dc then see how east it is to get a job. This is my problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 09:27

@CateringForThree yes I see your point. A Freudian slip. They are definitely his dc but feel like only my responsibility I guess!

OP posts:
cherrysthename · 08/09/2022 09:33

He would most likely refuse to have them and be a part-time Disney dad at best. It's surprising how many men go down this route even when they were seemingly equal/involved parents whilst in a relationship with the mother.
I've been in a similar position twice over with different fathers to my children. I'm afraid the onus is on the resident parent to find adequate childcare to work around working hours, even if that just means a child minder to do school pick ups.

caringcarer · 08/09/2022 09:35

My younger sisters best friend, call her Linda, and her 2 younger siblings had to go into care because when the parents split up neither wanted to take the children. As a family we were astonished because usually it is both parents fighting to keep the children. Linda's Mum was very depressed and 2 1/2 years later killed herself. Can you really say you won't keep children you gave birth to and brought up? Don't use your children to threaten your DH. If ever they found out it would destroy their lives.

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 09:37

Well he will get a shock because I'm not having these kids on my own. I don't think people are quite understanding of the
situation.
One dc is 2-1 in school and his respite placement. My other dc would be really in a detrimental situation if I was forced to have them totally and let him be a " Disney Dad ".

There is no Disney time when you have both my kids together! The ideal would be to take them in turns possibly so you they get time alone with each parent as well as some time together.

I don't my dh would like the reputation of being a Disney dad either but I guess only time will tell.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 08/09/2022 09:37

I'm sure he is Autistic but I feel I am also on the spectrum

Why do people always say this as an excuse for someone being a heartless c*nt?!

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 09:42

I'm not using my children to threaten him. I just didn't think in 2022 that 50/50 was unusual.

I'm confused why this is the focus. Surely the one dc that could comprehend this situation would be more distressed at the thought of their dad not wanting to see them as much as possible.

I couldn't survive if I had them all the time, unless he contributed, however I'm happy to go to work and earn money and not rely on his money. However to do that he would need to reduce his hours to accommodate the days he has them.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 08/09/2022 09:47

I'm sure he is Autistic but I feel I am also on the spectrum
Why do people always say this as an excuse for someone being a heartless c*nt?!

Yes it makes me fume! so insulting. Some people are just dicks, simpe.

OP, if you split your husband would have to pay you child support. Unfortunately, men do get away with seeing their children the minimal amount and still be considered a 'super dad'. My ex husband is one of those such men.

cherrysthename · 08/09/2022 09:54

Well sorry OP but that's the way is goes. It IS shit, it IS a feminist issue and break ups to an extent are distressing for the children involved, but no court order exists to force the other parent to step up. You can't force dicks to be better parents. And so you step up. You just do.
Look at it from this perspective: when you were pregnant with your kids, did you have the expectation to only parent them half the time? Or did you think you'd always be there? Surely you wouldn't have had kids if you'd felt like the former option.

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 09:58

Well he has done some dick like things but I'm just trying to set the context of how he lives his life as an Autist.

I would like to move the focus from the 50/50 if possible. I can tell you that if I had my most severe dc all the time then I think I would break and have to consider residential. So I don't think that even dh would want that. Not many people would cope with that situation, believe me. I'm always told I do so well to keep him at home etc as it is.

The question I have is why is dh bring like this and how can I change things?

Thanks for everyone who has commented. I do appreciate it. Sorry if I'm coming across as an arsehole. I do everything for my kids, I would never give up on them, I'm just so drained from living in misery and I can't put a brave face on anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 08/09/2022 10:01

Just to add some close friends have split in the last year and they have done 50/50 really well. I don't think it will be an issue.

What I actually want it to not come to that point and for him to talk to me.

OP posts:
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