Could this be an affair or just him wanting me to be the one that asks for divorce?

[Mirabelle77]

A few months ago DH was very moody, multiple occasions. Then he didn't do something with impacted one dc negatively. I asked him if he was depressed, would he see a GP? He was really defensive, I let it settle for a couple of weeks.

I booked a sitter so we had time to ourselves and raised it all in a really caring way. He said he probably is depressed but will not go to GP or talk to anyone. He also said he made a mistake ever marrying me or having kids!

I asked him if he wanted to raise any issues with me, thinking marriage related and he assassinated my work history and some recent decisions I have made. Decisions which aren't controversial.

Anyway we went home and he has avoided it ever since. I'm sure he is Autistic but I feel I am also on the spectrum.

I asked to talk to him last night but he cane home so late it wasn't possible. I am seeing a counsellor by myself, only had one session so far.

We haven't had sex for a few months and the last time was at my initiation. Also to add I'm currently not working to care for a disabled dc and have always shouldered this while his career carried on. I appreciate it's not easy working and suffering disturbed nights and evenings.

If we did split I would want 50/50 and I would return to work. There is no way he could do his job and have 50/50.

I would love him to make changes and work on things but I'm so miserable like this and who wants to be told they are a mistake!

Any help would be appreciated. How do you talk to someone that stonewalls you?!

Ok, to answer your question in the title, nothing sounds indicative of an affair. Or even that he wants a divorce particularly.

Thanks @cherrysthename.

I'm so confused and sad. Hard to correlate him saying marrying me was a mistake with him not cheating or wanting to split.

I’m genuinely interested in this concept.

What / who dictates who ‘the other parent’ is?

If a court can order that a parent must be ‘allowed’ 50% access, why can it not order that a parent must ‘be a parent’ and have responsibility for their children 50% of the time? It seems like a logical step in an equal society.

Otherwise these women with ‘Disney’ dads can be confined to a life of living on benefits. Many local part time jobs for ‘returners to work’ will not offer actual career opportunities or even cover child care costs.
Why should a woman, such as the OP, not expect be able to forge a career and earn enough to actually support herself properly - she just needs the same ‘playing field’ as the ‘other parent’.

He’s their father - not some lodger!

OP I hope you stick to your guns. Be ‘the other parent’ if that’s what it takes to make your husband realise that children need childcare - and that’s what parents do!

If there are no agencies offering suitable care - that’s your next task. OP needs to set up an agency offering the exact care required. (Ex)husband then has a resource where he can purchase appropriate care while he is working on his 50%!!!

You're misunderstanding, Newtt. I'm not talking about a concept of mine, but the way society currently is.
To answer your question, the 'other parent' is the one who doesn't choose to duck out of parenting duties. Here, it is OP's husband.
And for your other question: family court just doesn't work like that. You can fight for your child's right to see you and have joint parental responsibility, but no order to compel someone to step up against their will exists.

And yes I agree with everything you say, Newtt- which is why I said it's a feminist issueI feel the same way about my life as a single mother. But many men are shit. It falls to the good, decent parents to do their best for their kids.

Issue I*

people say things unwittingly or unconsciously all the time. The statement means more than can be taken at face value. I doubt he knows what he meant.

Another interpretation would be that he didn’t ever think married life would be like it turned out. Neither of you ever got the opportunity to control the direction your marriage or lives took because of the children's needs. That is what causes depression.

This could be part of a progressive checking out. If he does think he has no control, a depression sign, telling him how it is going to be won’t help. Doesn’t mean you are wrong, it’s just the wrong way to deal with depression.

Aye get a love spell. That'll do it.

It sounds like your husband is lashing out or checking out or both. If he won't get help I think all you can really do is be clear that the only other alternative is separation and residential school for your child with more severe needs. That's not being dramatic, it's stating the facts.

I believe you when you say you could not cope with two disabled children alone all the time. It sounds very, very hard in a way that lots of people would never have experienced.

As to the stonewalling, you might have to name it and call him out on it, ie, "I feel like you are stonewalling me and refusing to engage, therefore leaving me to deal with these painful and difficult issues alone"