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Original poster

New partner and dd

39 replies

Houseplanthorror · 07/09/2022 15:40

Hi,

I have been in a new relationship for the past nearly 18 months. Recently I introduced my gf to my kids. My teen dd has met her once, and my dd10 has met her twice. Me, my gf and dd10 went out for dinner last week and I am feeling a little uncomfortable about how my gf spoke to dd. DD dropped food on her top and gf pointed it out in a be careful kind of way, gf made lots of suggestions like maybe you should use your cutlery, napkin etc. When we went outside dd went to run on the grass and gf said careful you'll get your shoes wet. When we said goodbye she asked dd if she wanted a hug (she didn't). It is just little things really, which is why I'm unsure about how to respond. The previous time they met my gf seemed to be trying to guilt dd for wanting to do something that her cousin couldn't join in with. I did say this to her afterwards and she did apologise. She also said to dd, when you grow up do you want to be fat or thin. Which I felt uncomfortable with.

I have spoken to a friend about this and she feels that this is just the way my gf is. She always comments on things and it is just part of her personality, whereas I am much quieter. I am not sure what I'm asking really, but just looking for other perspectives on this as I don't feel comfortable with it.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 07/09/2022 15:52

The fat or thin thing is just weird.. Does gf have issues with food? Def make a mental note to see how the next meet up goes. Doesn't bode well imo.

Opentooffers · 07/09/2022 16:00

Does your GF have any DC of her own? It comes across like she only has experience with children from way back when she was a child. She may have been spoken to in a similar way growing up. Ultimately she seems a bit clueless on appropriate ways to act, asking for a hug at such an early stage was not reasonable, as was giving unwanted 'advice' when it is not for her to make the rules.
I think this could be awkward going forward. Maybe take a step back from including her in your DC time, and take time to evaluate how you see the future panning out. Communicate that it's not her place to direct your DC's behaviour, out of earshot of your DC, how she takes that could be revealing.

richcouncilhousetenantfreehouse · 07/09/2022 16:04

I wouldn't want someone like that around my child. That's controlling behaviour starting

yasminisa · 07/09/2022 16:07

This is a red flag to me. If I was dating a man who said this to my dad, it would be an instant end to the relationship

yasminisa · 07/09/2022 16:07

My dd

Crazycatstory · 07/09/2022 16:08

Christ, no. Is she going to suck the joy and spontaneity out of every moment for your DD? The fat or thin thing sounds frankly bizarre, making her focus on something completely unnecessarily. Was it in relation to something she had just eaten? It all sounds far to intense and controlling.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2022 16:09

gf made lots of suggestions like maybe you should use your cutlery, napkin etc

Was your daughter not using cutlery? Was she eating with her hands?

yasminisa · 07/09/2022 16:09

And I don't think it is acceptable even if it is a part of her general personality. Most reasonable people know that you change how you speak to people depending on their age. Plus, what kind of person would comment so much on a person's experience. I think you've chosen someone very shallow OP. You need to think about whether you can tolerate that

richcouncilhousetenantfreehouse · 07/09/2022 16:11

Yeah if it was a bloke it would be a massive red flag for me- and that doesn't change just because it's a woman.

I'd finish with her tbh.

Whiteflowers1 · 07/09/2022 16:12

My ex was like this with my DS who is only 3. Any interaction was negative. Brought it up with him and he ended things which is fine as I was going to anyway. I wouldn't have someone like this round my kid. Might seem like small things now but it'll get worse.

TooHot2022 · 07/09/2022 16:28

Is she young? Does she have any experience with children/young teens? Could she have been a bit anxious about meeting your DDs and blurted out stuff without thinking?

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2022 16:31

It all sounded fairly reasonable to me until the fat/thin comment, which does sound odd.

Generally speaking, though, as a step parent I don't think it's reasonable to expect a partner to never say anything "parenty" to your kids, so it depends which part of this is making you uncomfortable. If you're expecting a partner to spend a lot of time with your kids, and certainly if you're ever expecting them to view themselves as in any way responsible for them, then I don't think it's fair to take issue with the simple notion of them speaking to your children in a vaguely disciplinary manner.

heatissweet · 07/09/2022 16:31

She also said to dd, when you grow up do you want to be fat or thin

That's absolutely weird and I would not want someone like that around my dd.

FlorettaB · 07/09/2022 16:36

If she’s like that with them after meeting them once or twice what will she be like in 6 months?

TwoWeeksislong · 07/09/2022 16:45

Yeah this sounds bad. Things like whether kids should use cutlery to eat chips or a pizza vary by family. There isn’t a right or wrong answer. But you can’t meet a 10yr old child of your partner’s for the first time and immediately start imposing your own parenting preferences - that’s madness.
The ´fat or then’ thing is worrying too. As is the worrying about getting your shoes wet - shoes that can’t get wet aren’t fit for purpose in the UK climate.

kimchifox · 07/09/2022 16:50

Err, the use a napkin bit I could forgive but I would go apeshit if anyone tried to body shame my 10yo. You need to nip that in the bud immediately, in no uncertain terms. If the gf said anything like it again she would be an ex very quickly.

Surtsey · 07/09/2022 16:53

The fat or thin comment is an absolute no-no as far as I'm concerned and you need to make that crystal clear to your dp.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2022 16:58

Has she got weight/body/eating issues? That’s a weird and worrying thing to say to a child.

I wonder why she thinks you’re not able to help your DD with table manners prompting if needed and surely at 10 it’s up to her if she gets her shoes wet…

Is she as critical and nit picky to you? It sounds really tiring and wearing to listen to.

alohamoha · 07/09/2022 17:00

Asking the child for a hug shows she is clueless.

The fat or thin is weird.

May be she is trying to show you how she can "step mother " your child.

Clymene · 07/09/2022 17:01

I wouldn't want anyone around my children who asked them if they wanted to be fat or thin when they grow up.

Fireyflies · 07/09/2022 17:14

I think this thread highlights the reasons why you really shouldn't wait until 18 months in to introduce a new partner to your children. Sounds like the GF has built this all up in her head to be about stepping straight into that stepparent role (or overstepping....) and is getting things wildly wrong. You're seeing her with your kids for the first time and realising that she's maybe not right for this. But you're 18 months in! That's a huge investment of time and a relationship you're not going to want to just drop casualty if it doesn't look as if it'll work with her and the children being together.

You could try speaking to her and suggesting she just tries to be friendly for now, and make sure you do any parenting that's necessary yourself. But maybe she's not going to be able to fit into the role you'd like her to take.

I'd always recommend introducing a new partner to kids once your a few months in in future, in a much more casual manner as your new friend not a new stepmum.

Original poster
Houseplanthorror · 07/09/2022 17:15

Thanks for all the responses!

I feel like the fat thin comment is maybe a red herring, if that's the right term. Like something unusual so maybe not something I need to focus on. She doesn't have any weight related issues so it was a weird comment!

The little parenting type comments do bother me. I suppose I don't want every little thing corrected as it removes the fun from life! She has passed lots of kinda judgy comments on how I do things (commenting on the need to clean my car, cupboards etc). Until one day I started crying and told her how hard being a single mom with a career is and how I am choosing to let some things be less than perfect so that I don't burn out completely. I said I don't want a life with little comments being made all the time. Since then she has stopped.

She doesn't have kids, no, and she is in her mid 30's so no not particularly young. She doesn't really have any contact with any kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Houseplanthorror · 07/09/2022 17:19

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2022 16:31

It all sounded fairly reasonable to me until the fat/thin comment, which does sound odd.

Generally speaking, though, as a step parent I don't think it's reasonable to expect a partner to never say anything "parenty" to your kids, so it depends which part of this is making you uncomfortable. If you're expecting a partner to spend a lot of time with your kids, and certainly if you're ever expecting them to view themselves as in any way responsible for them, then I don't think it's fair to take issue with the simple notion of them speaking to your children in a vaguely disciplinary manner.

I am not interested in any kind of proper step parenting situation in the future. I don't plan to move in etc and have made this clear all along. I imagine a weekly dinner or hang out will be about it as otherwise I can see my gf while the kids are with their dad. I am keen to keep things calm for my kids after all the upheaval they have experienced, which is why I am not planning any moving in kind of relationships.

OP posts:
Fireyflies · 07/09/2022 17:23

Is your GF on board about the relationship being pretty casual for all least the next 10 years?

Dery · 07/09/2022 17:23

“Yeah this sounds bad. Things like whether kids should use cutlery to eat chips or a pizza vary by family. There isn’t a right or wrong answer. But you can’t meet a 10yr old child of your partner’s for the first time and immediately start imposing your own parenting preferences - that’s madness.
The ´fat or then’ thing is worrying too. As is the worrying about getting your shoes wet - shoes that can’t get wet aren’t fit for purpose in the UK climate.”

This.

Her approach must have sucked a lot of joy out of the meeting. As some PPs have flagged - it sounds like she’s pretty clueless about how to relate to children. Perhaps because of how she was treated growing up, she doesn’t know how to have a conversation with children rather than talk down to them.

It’s a bad start but not irretrievable - be firm about what you expect in terms of communicating with your daughter and that you absolutely will not tolerate body-shaming type comments. Hopefully she’ll do a lot better next time.