New partner and dd

[Houseplanthorror]

Hi,

I have been in a new relationship for the past nearly 18 months. Recently I introduced my gf to my kids. My teen dd has met her once, and my dd10 has met her twice. Me, my gf and dd10 went out for dinner last week and I am feeling a little uncomfortable about how my gf spoke to dd. DD dropped food on her top and gf pointed it out in a be careful kind of way, gf made lots of suggestions like maybe you should use your cutlery, napkin etc. When we went outside dd went to run on the grass and gf said careful you'll get your shoes wet. When we said goodbye she asked dd if she wanted a hug (she didn't). It is just little things really, which is why I'm unsure about how to respond. The previous time they met my gf seemed to be trying to guilt dd for wanting to do something that her cousin couldn't join in with. I did say this to her afterwards and she did apologise. She also said to dd, when you grow up do you want to be fat or thin. Which I felt uncomfortable with.

I have spoken to a friend about this and she feels that this is just the way my gf is. She always comments on things and it is just part of her personality, whereas I am much quieter. I am not sure what I'm asking really, but just looking for other perspectives on this as I don't feel comfortable with it.

Missed your updates - feel free to ignore my post!

Well, I stand by what I said about fat/thin. Whatever her reasoning it's a big fat no.

With regards to the rest of it she's maybe just trying to engage but you need to have a word and tell her that you'd prefer it if a) she spoke to you privately about anything she's not happy about your kids doing and b) allows you to be the one to decide what is and isn't appropriate and doesn't step in to tell them off - at least until she knows them better and has seen you parenting. Your kids, your rules. If she wants to be helpful she should follow your lead. If she's listened to you about the other things I think there's a good chance she will listen to this - it's new territory for her. (Being kind)

The fat/thin thing is the worse for me, I grew up with a mother obsessed with my weight and it’s caused me lots of issues. I have 3DDs and I don’t let others talk about their weight to them. I would say please don’t ask her questions about her weight. It’s hard enough being a girl and a societal obsession with weight, they don’t need adults in their lives talking about it with them.

The other things I’d nip in the bud too, your child your rules. You can do it nicely, if she runs in the grass, say that’s fine let her shoes get wet. Just correct her at the time until she gets the message, or you can say outright, we are out for dinner, I don’t want you constantly disciplining or making comments to DD, she’s here to have fun and if I’m ok with things then that’s all that matters.

Have you spoken to your DD, how did she feel when these things happened?

If she's this bossy when she has only just met them how do you think she'll be over time?
As for her telling you you should do x,y and z and you being upset and having to explain yourself to her. Just NO! You do not have to justify yourself to her regarding you, your home, your belongings.
You feel uncomfortable with the situation so much so you wrote a post about it.
Your children cannot do that, advocate for them and prevent a miserable time with every interaction they have with her.
She isn't a parent and has no idea but is arrogant enough to force her opinions on you and your children.

I agree with this comment...

I would see these as alarm bells definitely. I'm shocked that she felt she could say 'parenty' things on the first meeting / first couple of meetings. I can't imagine how she thought that was appropriate. It isn't appropriate. It isn't her place. Maybe if you stay together in a year or two she may have that sort of relationship, but not until then. She either thinks you're doing parenting wrong (big warning sign) or is desperate to show you she's step mum material.

To your children this is a near stranger. Why should they take orders from her?

And the fat or thin comment is awful. I would be very careful here. She could instill an eating disorder in a sensitive young mind. If someone asked me that question when I was young I would think about it afterwards (does she think I'm too fat? Does she think I'm too thin?)

For me, I didn't really see a problem until the fat/thin comment which EVERYONE knows is a no-no, especially for young girls.

I would definitely have said something there or then like "what sort of question is that?! It doesn't matter what someone looks like, everyone just wants to be as healthy as they can be". Then I'd tell her later out of earshot not to ever mention weight gain.

Everything else is a bit meh to me. The grass she was running on, was it a field, privately owned gardens? Is it the kind of place people wouldn't mind kids playing on?

The napkin, cutlery comment... Was your daughter using her hands? At 10years old she should definitely be using cutlery unless it was pizza?

But really, it sounds like your instincts are saying something isn't right. And I truly think you should trust your instincts, unless you're usually a very anxious person.

Either way, if this relationship is going to last, you'll need to be able to be open with each other. So I think I'd ask her why she kept saying those comments and guage what you want to do by her answers.

It was pizza. I don't remember the exact things she said mostly, as they were small comments, but it was of the cutlery and napkins type level of comments rather than those specifically.

Yes, it was a place where dd could go on the grass

Yes I think that's what I'll have to do, say it as it happens. Because in most cases it is small comments that I'll forget exactly later. I can just say something along the lines of 'it's ok, I'll do the parenting'. And see if that stops it.

The fat thin thing I did say to her was well out of line and that I have a policy of not commenting on bodies and feel that's really important!

It s not going to work.
Dd comes first.

You shouldn’t need to burst into tears to stop your partner giving you shit about your house and car. Who does she think she is?! If the way you live doesn’t meet her standards she can jog on.

The fat/thin thing is bad and definitely needs addressing. There's just no need to ask a question like that whatsoever. It's absolutely loaded and not appropriate conversation with a child.

The rest of it is hard to call really without the full context of the situation. For example, if I was out with a friend or extended family member and my kids were not showing great manners, I can imagine that they might be gently reminded of how to behave by whoever I was with if I failed to correct the behaviour myself (not that it has ever happened, but I can imagine it). I can also imagine a well intentioned friend saying "ooh don't wreck your shoes on the wet grass". So I suppose in that case it's no different from a romantic partner. I can see why you don't want these kind of comments becoming the norm, but they aren't necessarily massive red flags IMO. It sounds like someone who doesn't know how to talk to kids just trying to say the right thing, and not managing to strike the right balance between friendly and over-familiar/overbearing.

In fairness I do think that being your girlfriend who spends regular time with the kids but isn't ever going to have that relationship develop further, is going to be a difficult line to tread in terms of how to behave. Wouldn't it be better to just keep your dating life completely separate from your kids? I can't say I'd relish the thought of being either the girlfriend or the kids at one of these weekly dinners you're proposing.

I would have a real good chat with her because I wouldn’t accept her behaviour with my kid. She doesn’t know her, she’s not her mum or step mum and she has a perfectly good mum there should there be any need for any comments.

Don’t put your DD through this ffs. All of the interactions you describe point to a woman who is controlling, uptight, critical and lacking in real warmth towards your daughter. She had no right to say any of those things and the fat/thin thing is toxic.

I personally couldn’t continue in a relationship with someone with those traits - and you know that, even if your gf responds well enough to a ‘chat’ about these things, it will be a superficial and short lived improvement.

Again, do not do this to your DC.