Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend is having an affair

39 replies

Albgo · 07/09/2022 14:26

Apparently "her" married man is different. He's a lovely man trapped in a sexless marriage with a wife that is controlling. He plans to leave... eventually.
Please tell me your married man stories so I can show her he's just reading from the same worn affair script all these bastards seem to have?

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 07/09/2022 14:28

You could just scour the relationships board.

Original poster
Albgo · 07/09/2022 14:29

You could say that to any post on Mumsnet!

OP posts:
litterbird · 07/09/2022 14:30

If he doesnt leave within 3 months he probably won't.

WhatNoRaisins · 07/09/2022 14:31

For your sake I would have as little involvement as possible and refuse to discuss it with her. I'm not convinced you'd will be able to persuade her to stop whatever story you tell her if she's convinced herself that her situation is different.

Original poster
Albgo · 07/09/2022 14:32

litterbird · 07/09/2022 14:30

If he doesnt leave within 3 months he probably won't.

It's been 3 months.
Apparently they're in love.

OP posts:
TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/09/2022 14:34

My ExH had several affairs. He never ever planned to leave me, and was utterly devastated when I left him. Literally begging on his hands and knees. It suited him to have a wife and children at home, and have sex with other women whenever he could. After me, he entered in to a long term relationship with a woman, they lived together and things looked good, but he cheated on her as well, and she left. He has been with his current girlfriend for a good few years now, and I have been told he has cheated on her as well. I met her recently, and she looked like a broken little bird. She isn't leaving him, but I suspect that has something to do with the fact that she as very little and he is minted.

I have known a few serial shaggers in my time. None of them has ever left the wife. The whole point is to have the wife at home, and seek out illicit sex elsewhere.

Also, she is delusional if she thinks that she is the only other woman. In my experience, there are always a few on the go at once. I bet she never has access to his phone.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/09/2022 14:39

Apparently they're in love

Why hasn't he left the wife then?

Let me guess.......

  1. She's crazy
  2. She will kill herself
  3. She will stop him seeing the children
  4. He can't afford to until [insert stupid far off date here]
  5. He has to wait until the kids finish their exams
  6. He has to wait until the kids leave home Bla Bla Bla .......

PS) They are still having sex and the wife has no clue anything is wrong

YouAreNotBatman · 07/09/2022 14:41

@TortugaRumCakeQueen
I’m sorry that happened to you.

I gotta say that I just don’t understand people like your ex at all.
Why do they do that?

Palmfrond · 07/09/2022 14:43

It really is the oldest story in the book, and he might even sort of believe it himself, but only because he hasn’t really thought about it.
I mean, when the wife finds out she might kick him out but that’s another story and, anecdotally, the man being booted out of the family home seems to suddenly become really unattractive to the female affair partner, probably because he becomes just another sad, skint, weekend dad rather than the tortured, honourable yet sexy unicorn he was before.

Bubblyinblanch · 07/09/2022 14:43

Tell your friend that if she doesn't have kids already, she's wasting valuable fertile years waiting around for this guy.

pattihews · 07/09/2022 14:50

For several years I lived next door to a nice woman who'd been waiting for her married man to leave his wife for many years. Something like 20. It was bizarre.

He'd given her innumerable excusesThere were always problems with his children and at one point he told her the wife had developed cancer, so he had to stay and support her. They met every couple of months when he was in London on business. She was a senior nurse and retired at 55 and went to live in the West Country. He was supposed to come and drive her down to Devon the day she sold her flat. I ended up driving her to her new place in Exmouth when he didn't turn up. She was scared that she'd never see him again. She didn't know where he lived and her only means of contacting him was by phoning his office and leaving a message, pretending to be a client. I came to the conclusion that it must suit her, because no one with any sense would have put up with it.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 07/09/2022 15:06

If she already says he’s different then she already knows the script.

If she’s a good friend then I would be absolutely brutal and tell her she’s a stupid mug, and that if she carries on seeing him she has no-one to blame but herself when it all goes wrong either because he strings her along indefinitely or because his wife finds out and she throws him out.
I Tell her not to expect being with him to be a walk in the park, that she will lose relationships, that he might not want to be with her when his children hate her, there’s no skipping off into the sunset.

It’s as close as I would get to ending the friendship. I wouldn’t actually end the friendship, I would still be there as a general friend but I categorically wouldn’t be prepared to discuss it, and if she chose to walk away from the friendship then so be it.

Lyingallaround · 07/09/2022 15:13

Apparently "her" married man is different. He's a lovely man trapped in a
sexless marriage with a wife that is controlling. He plans to leave...
eventually

She may be right, honestly I'd leave em to it, she's not going to listen to any reasonable advice.
Concentrate on other friends that have less drama going on.

Andromachehadabadday · 07/09/2022 15:17

Why do you need other people to tell you stories about how they have been hurt and betrayed. That the man they are sleeping with wastes their lives, broke their heart and then caused a load of future problems. Or hear about wives who found out about the affair and the lies he told the OW about her that weren’t true.

She thinks he is different. She genuinely believes that, it won’t matter how many people tell her they thought their were different.

I think asking women to share their stories, sounds like you are either looking for a story to print or just fancy reading about someone else’s heart break.

Olia129 · 07/09/2022 16:40

Affairs boil down to weakness. Weakness of the man to leave the marriage. Yes sometimes wives threaten to limit access to children (I’ve seen it happen) and I think it’s a very real fear for some men, but it still doesn’t take away from the fact they are too weak to face problems head on and instead lie, cheat and deceive. To the wife and the OW.

they are cowards. And people just believe what they want to believe. Wives believe their husbands stay because they love them (really, deep down; honest) even though all the evidence is to the contrary. OW believe their men are ‘different’ and that they’re ‘special’.

Nugg · 07/09/2022 16:42

Don't waste your breath, he won't leave but she won't believe you!

If he was going to leave he would have left already.

Lyingallaround · 07/09/2022 16:49

To be in love and to retain love, honour, respect, empathy and care takes a certain level of intellegence, it's usually a mismatch of intellegence and selfishness between two parties which leads to a breakdown of relationships.

Doodledeedum · 07/09/2022 17:03

I always wonder how they would trust someone who would cheat on their partner if they ever got in to their own 'serious' relationship.... if he can do it to his current partner/wife why couldn't he do it to you?

Brideandpredjudice · 07/09/2022 17:08

You're wasting your time.

Lyingallaround · 07/09/2022 17:15

Doodledeedum · 07/09/2022 17:03

I always wonder how they would trust someone who would cheat on their partner if they ever got in to their own 'serious' relationship.... if he can do it to his current partner/wife why couldn't he do it to you?

But they fundamentally set of together at the same point of both being individuals that can have an affair behind some unsuspecting person's back.

Level pegging so to speak, it cancels any fears out.

The only problem is you then have 2 individuals who are pretty good at lying, deceiving and have hugely selfish needs, one either has to back down and be passive or both will battle it out again for supremacy.

Antarcticant · 07/09/2022 17:17

How on earth do you think other people's 'married man stories' will be helpful? If she won't listen to you, why should she listen to randoms on the internet?

Original poster
Albgo · 07/09/2022 17:25

Andromachehadabadday · 07/09/2022 15:17

Why do you need other people to tell you stories about how they have been hurt and betrayed. That the man they are sleeping with wastes their lives, broke their heart and then caused a load of future problems. Or hear about wives who found out about the affair and the lies he told the OW about her that weren’t true.

She thinks he is different. She genuinely believes that, it won’t matter how many people tell her they thought their were different.

I think asking women to share their stories, sounds like you are either looking for a story to print or just fancy reading about someone else’s heart break.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I love my friend and I'm worried about her. She won't listen to me - but she will read this thread and maybe it will sink in.

OP posts:
eighteenmonthstogo · 07/09/2022 17:51

I married him. 23 years ago.

Doodledeedum · 07/09/2022 18:12

@Lyingallaround very true!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 07/09/2022 18:20

Your friend will likely ignore the thread and resent you for interfering. I would mind my own business if I were you.
She will need a friend if it all ends in tears.