What’s your view on this?

[Jvlu]

I looked at something recently that I wanted opinions about.

Here’s the scenario: 2 people are friends. They have been friends for a long time and have often shared a bed platonically together.

On one occasion after a party, friend 1 invites friend 2 back to their place. They get ready to sleep in the same bed. On this occasion, friend 1 is wearing fewer clothes than usual and spoons up into friend 2.

This surprises friend 2 since usually there has been no such contact, intimacy or proximity. Friend 2 in their drunken state interprets this as a sign friend 1 may want more than friendship, and moves a hand to a more intimate area. Friend 1 says no, not to touch them like that, and friend 2 stops straight away and apologizes. They fall asleep together, friend 2 apologizes and friend 1 hugs friend 2 the next day before friend 2 leaves.

What has happened here? Has friend 2 done nothing more than tested a boundary, been rejected, and respectfully apologised? What about friend 1’s role? is there more to this?

Friend 1 was drunk.
Spooning triggered something sexual not definitely towards friend 2.

Seemed all good morning after.
Best left at that.
Forgotten and never mentioned..

A drunken misunderstanding. I would try to forget about it.

I'm not really sure there's much to even think about here.

Friend 1 might have been testing the waters but Friend 2 overstepped the mark by the “intimate” hand placement.

If Friend 2 had gone in for a snog first, things might have gone further.

I would think it's not ok to grab someone intimately as a first move.
Maybe a kiss or something, or ideally a chat about their feelings.
The other person didn't want it so it's sexual assault.

A drunken misunderstanding.

That doesn't make it ok. Being supposedly drunk is not a defence.

I personally think that the spooning in bed and wearing less clothes than usual to bed is a sign that friend 1 wanted more! It's a bit bizarre but if they were both drunk then best to put it in the past and move on.

Its quite a jump from a cuddle to touching someone intimately so friend 2 overstepped significantly. As PP have said, there are less intrusive ways to test the water.
That said, friend 1 also overstepped the boundaries for a platonic friend.
Its sounds like a very weird dynamic for two adults who could just have a conversation so they'd both know where they stood.
(Is this one of those test things where we're supposed to reveal double standards based on assumptions about the sex of the friends btw?)

My view is: misjudgement from both people involved, nothing more. Boundary was crossed but once boundary was crossed f2 respected explicit communication of that boundary. The intimacy of the circumstances understandably muddied the waters and confused both people.

Hmmm, I wonder if Friend 1 led friend 2 on by spooning in the first place? Yes, friend one in the wrong here

I'm not sure it matters if there's more going on; if either friend wants to know that they can start a discussion with the other friend and ask. They can also choose not to discuss it and just mentally chalk it up to too much alcohol. Only they can know if this is behind them or if the incident will make things awkward in the future.

All we know is that Friend 1 for whatever reason initiated a certain amount of sexual contact (I may be misunderstanding, but "spooning up into" someone does usually involve contact of one's groin against the other person's buttocks, which I would consider sexual contact), Friend 2 accepted that and wanted more, Friend 1 did not want more and said so and Friend 2 withdrew and apologised.

I wouldn't consider the clothing of Friend 1 significant; there could be various reasons for the choice.

I would consider the clothing to be a point to consider. If friend 1 usually wears pj's from ankle to wrist then suddenly comes out the bathroom with a just a bra and g string (or just boxers) on surly that is some kind of sign? Call me old fashioned but to me that's clearly a sign.

If there’s “blame” to be apportioned in this ridiculous non-event I’d say friend 1 should cop most of it.
That said, I would never personally sleep in the same bed as a member of the opposite sex or indeed someone of the same sex who I knew to be gay unless I was in the full realisation, or indeed expectation, that something sexy might happen. And that’s for the very simple reason that the odds are stacked very very mightily in favour of that being the case. In my experience. And especially when drunk, and especially especially when young.

I wonder if Friend 1 led friend 2 on by spooning in the first place?

@Graftime85 I think saying that is victim blaming. Why would they do that? Unless they're really young and drama is something they thrive off I guess.

What someone was wearing is never ok to bring up in a case of sexual assault.

Hmmmm. Yes, but if your sharing a bed with someone, scantily clad and spooning their arse I think you've got to take some responsibility when suddenly, that person you've wrapped yourself around suddenly gets aroused and thinks sex is on the cards.

Friend 1 shifted the goalposts in initiating intimate contact (spooning) with friend 2 when this had never been part of their dynamic thus far. Depending on what’s meant by “fewer clothes” (eg stripped down to underwear rather than usual pjs) could also be considered a shift in boundaries. Friend 2 reciprocated by touching intimately and withdrew immediately when they realised they’d read the shift in boundaries wrongly. Depending on the touch it may have been a reasonable testing (eg going from your crotch against my arse to my hand on your arse isn’t that big a stretch).

As adults they may just put it down to a drunken misunderstanding but there’s fault on both parts in terms of sexual contact without explicit consent.

It is refreshing to hear that most people think BOTH friend 1 AND friend 2 share some responsibility for this situation. It is also refreshing to hear that most people would chalk this up to a drunken misunderstanding that should be learnt from rather than anything more.

Or to reverse roles, if x presses their bare buttocks into y's crotch, pretty much all rational people would interpret this as an initiation of sexual contact. The concept of explicit consent is hairy: I doubt most people on this forum ask their partners to have sex every single time they have sex. There are some circumstances that can be interpreted as implying consent, even if they are mistaken in that interpretation. Expressions of affirmative consent clears issues like this up, and in this scenario once the issue of consent was explicit friend 2 respected that expression of consent. It would be very very different if friend 2 had persisted and not given an immediate apology.

Or to reverse roles, if x presses their bare buttocks into y's crotch, pretty much all rational people would interpret this as an initiation of sexual contact. The concept of explicit consent is hairy: I doubt most people on this forum ask their partners to have sex every single time they have sex. There are some circumstances that can be interpreted as implying consent, even if they are mistaken in that interpretation. Expressions of affirmative consent clears issues like this up, and in this scenario once the issue of consent was explicit friend 2 respected that expression of consent. It would be very very different if friend 2 had persisted and not given an immediate apology.

The omission of gender is deliberate on my behalf. It's not intended to point out/make a point of double standards, but the omission is deliberately intended to make sure people analyse the situation objectively without gender bias.

Not bothered about fewer clothes as we have just had some of the hottest days on record. Thats a red herring.

However spooning someone when they have never done it before is definitely crossing a friendship boundary. Friend one instigated it. Friend two would not have placed their hand in an intimate place if friend one hadn't done that.

Both were drunk, both crossed each others boundaries, both said no, both no's were respected. Agree to forget and move on. No more bed sharing too.

I agree with this. I don't spoon people that I don't want to get intimate with, put it that way.

And I agree that if friend 2

Posted too soon. I agree that if friend 2 took this as a sign of wanting to get intimate and put their hand on friend 1's bum or something quite tame to test the waters and then removed the hand as soon as they had been asked to then it's just a misunderstanding. But if friend 2 stuck their hand straight down friend 1's pants then I think that is quite different.

The concept of explicit consent is hairy: I doubt most people on this forum ask their partners to have sex every single time they have sex.

But when it's someone who's not your partner you do get explicit consent - otherwise mistakes like this can happen.

Even if you think someone's coming on to you why would your first thought to be to touch them in that way?

The concept of explicit consent is hairy: I doubt most people on this forum ask their partners to have sex every single time they have sex.

They weren’t established sexual partners though, I’d never initiate sexual contact with someone new without an explicit indication they wanted that to happen. There were opportunities along the way for either person to check each other’s wishes before the semi-naked spooning and subsequent touch.