How are things in your house . DH

[unflappybelivabubble]

My DH works hard like many .
I'm a SAHM mainly because we have two children and he got offered a job where he could earn more than me and him combined but the job involved working away frequently and we were hitting childcare issues with no family support . He's doing well , children doing well at school and I do all home stuff .

His job also involves entertaining clients in evenings when he's working away . Again no problem and I have no worries there .

We've had a tricky year with teenage DS coming out the other end hopefully with support from SW .

We've been on holiday this year where i felt he was very detached from us as a family . I understand the need to sleeping in so two weeks of lie ins while I went in pools with children . No problem . But then he would virtually ignore me and children and chat to others . He is v sociable and talks to anyone .

Since coming home he's gone back to work and overnight stays . I think he does too many hours and he looks tired so again I try not to ask him to do anything that I can do , but he literally takes himself to other rooms when he's home , doesn't interact with children beyond hello

Last night he came home at 18:30 , had tea , children milling around . I tried to have a conversation but he said he was too tired and went upstairs . I

I tidied up , helped youngest with tidying her room and homework and into bed by 9 .

I came downstairs with washing and he was sat in kitchen on phone having a beer . I said I had just put youngest in bed if he wanted to go say goodnight ( she settles really well ) he said he would but he didn't .

Am I expecting too much asking him to give a bit of attention to children while he is home ?

At weekends he will join in family activities and sometimes takes out , cinema etc . If something special

But mostly he just doesn't want anyone to bother him while he's home and gives off leave me alone vibes .

Before I gave up work I had a hugely stressful job in SS . I would come home and have to find strength for toddler , tea and bedtimes homework etc and yes it was tough but I did it because I didn't want children to suffer because of my tiredness .

How much do your husbands in stressful working away jobs do in evenings .

Btw I don't expect his work jobs , just child interaction .

Thanks in advance

My DH doesn't work away a lot, but he does have a stressful job which can mean long hours. But whenever he gets home the first thing he does is give us all a hug and ask how our days have been. Even when he is away he calls and makes time for the kids. Because he loves them and they're his favourite people. Your DH sounds a bit detached and I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable with it.

He sounds like he has checked out. Other than his horrible attitude towards the kids, where in all of this do you get a rest and a lie in? I’m betting never.

No that's not on op. He is still a parent despite his demanding job. He can't just detach himself from his DC. And a pretty misogynistic way of behaving towards you too.

I suggest the next time he comes home for the weekend on a Friday night, hand him the door key, head out the door, and tell him you will be back on Monday afternoon. That way he will have to re-engage with his kids.

IMO, either he is suffering from depression due to work stress, or he has become involved with someone else.

Of course you're not expecting too much! Your h has totally checked out of family life and is being a shit husband and father. What a waste of space!

You need to get angry with him.

No that isn't on. Once you're a parent you don't have the luxury of ignoring your children and doing whatever you want! Nor do you want to. It reads as though he'd rather you and the children weren't there.

I'd want to know what he's like that. And also why he thinks he can opt out of parenting. Does he think that's 'your department' and he can just do as he likes with his time? Yours doesn't sound like a partnership I'm afraid.

He seems to be detaching himself , I think you need to talk to him very soon and find out what’s going on,

How old are your children Op? You referenced a teenager coming through the other end? The other end of what? Guessing they are older?

Your DH sounds burnt out and exhausted . If your DC's are older , it is now worth you returning to work . Either to reduce your DH's hrs and make up the difference or, add extra to the pot. This scenario is as old as time.

I am single now and work full time, always have. I have teenage DC's, one of whom very late teenage and , successfully building their own career . I am extremely tired when i get home. I would love to have the energy to engage more with them during term time but, i simply do not. I always embrace them when i get home though and ask how their day was. Then, it is just dinner, washing, ironing, shopping and general daily maintenance , kiss for bed, ready for the next day. Both my DS's are fine, they understand. We have no additional stresses, are financially comfortable , nice home and happy. Their Dad is also very present and involved. We have term time holidays to do the fun lazy stuff. Even so, i am genuinely exhausted every day when home, earning, to pay for this, as is their Dad to be fair to him.

Your DH seems frazzled and burnt out. He seems to be working long hours. Are their other issues in the family that are weighing heavily on him? He really does seem exhausted. I suspect the weight of family finances and demands on his time, is weighing heavily on him.

Op, with kindness, if he reduced his hours and his single handed responsibility for the family finances, i am sure he would be happier, freer and more available to you and your shared children.

I suspect their are other issues at home adding to the general load?

If you were unhappy in your previous career, could you look at a change in what work you could do? I honestly think you working , would be a first step in repairing both of you at this time.

Thankyou all

Yes he is stressed and burnt out I can see that but he says he can't reduce his workload

We both agreed to me not working as youngest is adopted and had attachment issues . I also had caring responsibilities for my parents and I had a health condition that is now under control but a big operation is imminent . So yes lots going on that I've tried to do on my own

Youngest is 7 , eldest is 15

We have a social worker after worrying behaviour from teenager
Meeting this morning revealed that teenager is very angry about dad being absent so we are working on a plan to improve things . He was very shocked and upset . He isn't a bad person at all
Just thoughtless and single minded

He loves his children but forgets to do things to let them know .

Op, it may also be beneficial for you to talk to your families SW , for additional support. Also, your children's school will have access to resources and services for early help. Sch's also have pastoral structures that are there for you and your children.

Please continue to reach out to all, if you find you are noticing changes in your family.

Now youngest is getting older and doing well in school we have considered me going back to work but that will actually mean he has to do more . Also the sector I'm qualified in is not taking on so I would have to retrain etc

Money is ok if careful , we are fortunate But our house is his pride and joy , we've renovated it for past 8 years . I have even said I'd move house to lower financial pressure but he won't entertain that at all .

Op, no need to retrain, you can do something totally different! Your skills are easily transferable.

Please reach out to school and SW OP , if you and your children remain unhappy. Sch's and County are great resources.

Why do people always do this thing of prioritising cash?

So you have a nice house thats his pride and joy.

You also have no career and no quality time with your husband.

You need to go back to work even if it means the household income drops.

Sounds like his checked out

I don't prioritise cash . I've told him I'd be happy in a flat if it meant it was less stressful .

My 7 year old is still v dependent and finding a job in school hours is not proving easy .

Sorry to say it but some things you have said I can relate to. My stbxh had checked out. Just didn't bother to tell me that. I hope I'm wrong but it's very easy whilst working away to have other interests away from the family. I see now those signs were there, I thought he was tired / stressed and working too hard. Sadly he was also fucking anything with a pulse and leading a completely double life. I'd have a serious chat with him, see where that leads you. Best of luck 🤞

He likes feeling like a good dad so he tells himself he loves his kids.

He loves the fact that his house reflects his career success back at him. He doesn't care about the quality of life of those within it.

He likes connecting with strangers at the poolside because there are no strings attached to a casual conversation, but a big, instant payback in terms of attention, feeling liked, appreciated, noticed, knowing he's made a good impression.

He is single mindedly devoted to his career because that brings him the admiration of his colleagues, the fat paycheque, the status.

You and the children offer nothing that he values in terms of reward for any effort he puts into relationships with you.

You're dealing with a vain, shallow, and self-absorbed man.

And conquests in the office are what a man like that seeks out.

My ex was like this. Vile. Get rid.

@mathanxiety that does sound right unfortunately. Very good analysis

Except he's never given me reason to suspect he's been unfaithful or would be .

@mathanxiety . Very good description of my DH

He isn't horrible just uncommunicative

And he can be very generous to me and children . He's bought me a spa day to say thank you

But my issue is he doesn't interact with his children after work

My father - on the rare occasions he was actually home - was just like this. Got worse the older myself and my two brothers got, he just wasn't interested in us at all.

My mother was also a SAHM, she wasn't 'allowed' to get a job. She ended up not working for 20 years after marrying my father...

My father 'did' family life for a decade, and when I was 9 went back to acting like he was a single man. He was exactly like @mathanxiety posted, great with strangers he could show off to, great with his work...main difference with my father is that he didn't want to own property so we moved around a lot of rental properties. My mother desperately wanted to own a 'family' home, she eventually got her wish when I was 16...he left her for another woman 5 years later, 6 months after my younger brother turned 18. House had to be sold...

For the decade before he left my father was like a ghost. Like your husband, he'd come home from work, eat dinner and then basically ignore us all until he went to bed. We never did anything as a family, never went anywhere. I was unlucky, both my parents were narcissists, but I still wish to God at the age of 54 that they'd split up when I was 9.