How do I ease the resentment/anger towards alcoholic father

[Mindful8778]

My F has always drank, I barely saw him when I was growing up. He went from work to the pub through the week and from lunchtime at the weekend. It never ended, he never tried to stop drinking even when it destroyed relationships, but he always managed to go to his work - which paid for it.

At the same time he was very financially controlling to my DM (She has since passed away). Now he is in his 60s, with very poor health and is living in residential 24 hour care. I had to give a lot of support before he was placed where he is. I didn't do this because I wanted to, in fact I felt disgusted with the situation but it was during the pandemic and there was no one else.

I am so annoyed with myself for giving him support. And I am so annoyed that the country pays so much for his care - it is a lot of money that could be better spent. (This isn't because of his addiction, this is because he never did anything for anyone).

I haven't visited him in months now and don't want to but I get the odd call from his support workers, saying he is asking to see me. I never want to see him again. Every time they call I hope it is to tell me he has died. I know how terrible that sounds.

How do you get rid of this anger? He isn't worth it but I really want him out of my head.

Thank you if you read this. I know it's early in the morning for such an angry post. but I have been up most of the night and the bitterness just is not what I want in my life.

It takes years, and I don’t think you ever get rid/forget the feeling. But, with time you sort of learn to push it away and not let it affect your daily life.
It’s hard/impossible to do really while he is alive and you are his carer’s point of contact.

For me - it helped to tell mine - what I felt and how unhappy/disappointed/etc I have been at him. It was a long time ago; and I was barely an adult, but I do think it helped me to get on a path of eventually managing to letting past go in a way, at least making it something that doesn’t hurt anymore.

At some later point in my life I was in a therapy session that talked about forgiveness - in some general sense. And how that was useful for good and balanced life. And I very clearly realised that I know I would never forgive him. But I have accepted that it was what it was and I couldn’t change anything in the past. That bit helped me ‘move on’.

Go to Al Anon. You will get help and support from people who’ve been through exactly the same.

@MMmomDD

Thank you for the post. I actually felt better after writing that earlier for a while, so yes. Just telling him would be good, but I have left it too late. His memory and cognition is bad. His functional drinking pretty much stopped at the beginning of the pandemic (started drinking very heavily) and it's been a fast downward spiral since then. I hope the anger does ease, I don't even mind if it does take a long time. I just need it to go at some point.

As for forgiveness, I understand it's for me and not him, but I worry it will make me visit him maybe? I don't know. I can't see me ever forgiving him tbh.

I was asked to go in and see him by one worker who told me that because he doesn't drink anymore then I should put my feelings to the side and think of him as a new person. Which I can't do.

@Andante57

I will look at al-anon. I always thought it was for people more affected than me, but I am starting to realised how much this has impacted on my mental health. I need somewhere that understands. Thank you.

It's strange how much it has gotten worse since he went into care. It was not so bad when I was dealing with it myself. Now I have no contact, but lots of anger.

Look up Al-Anon’s three Cs:

1. I DIDN’T CAUSE IT
2. I CAN’T CONTROL IT
3. I CAN’T CURE IT

Accepting the pain alcoholism caused and gradually letting go of the hurt.

“grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”

I think even if he doesn’t have all of his cognitive abilities or memories - it still may be helpful to you to tell him you are angry at him. Expressing it to him helps you.
Even if he was all there - he wouldn’t have been able to say much. They don’t tend to reflect or want to apologise anyway.

I visited mine when he was dying. He wasn’t in a hospital for long. I don’t regret visiting btw - but by then I was in a better place mentally than I think you are

I think the suggestion to speak to AlAnon is a good one. If it’s not for you, you can walk away but everyone there has been through it.
I danced around the kitchen when I heard my abusive, alcoholic exh had died —- and no I’m not and never have been ashamed of that.
I think the care worker is out of line to tell you to think of him as a new person because he no longer drinks. The damage is done. Would any one of us forgive a physical or sexual abuser? The emotional damage caused by alcoholism is as bad.
You could write him a letter and instruct a member of staff reads it to him. Or even send a voice recording to be played to him if you prefer.
I think your anger will go when he dies , but until then speak with Al Anon or a therapist so you can get your anger out.

I had a lot of unresolved anger at my mother, although it was not caused by alcohol. I struggled for years. Anger at her for not loving me as a child and an adult. Pity for her for being damaged herself. Anger at myself for not being a forgiving person. Pity for the child I had been.

Some of these feelings are incompatible with each other, so that’s why they keep swirling around in your head.

The only thing I can say to you is that they mostly went away when my mother died (aged 86).

All the best. Perhaps read books, and online articles about children of alcoholics when you are feeling messed up. Al-anon sounds a good idea too.

You should definitely look at Al-Anon or Smart Friends and Family. You could also Google NACOA - they're a specialist support organisation for adult children of alcoholic parents. Having an addict in your life has a massive impact, it's worse if it's a parent. My DDs are still working through what their father put them through and he's been dead four years. Getting support will enable you to work through the guilt and allow yourself to not see him if that is what you want.

Lastly, there is a support thread on the Alcohol board that might help you here - we're small, friendly and supporting and you can vent to people who have been where you are now.

I also recommend Al-Anon. That should be a safe space for you to discuss your feelings and start to process them.

Both my parents were alcoholics and to say that their behaviour damaged my childhood and that of my siblings, is to put it mildly. It also messed with much of my adult life, particularly in when it comes to close relationships.

However, I have reached a place of gentle acceptance and even forgiveness, albeit many years after they died and after counselling. I can look back and understand why and how alcohol stole their futures and be very grateful that I have the strength to ensure it won’t steal mine.

I really feel for you and encourage you to seek support. You deserve a hand hold as you work through your anger and someone to give you confidence that you will eventually find peace 💐💐

Thank you so much for your posts. I'm actually in tears writing this. I don't even know what I am feeling anymore, I posted this morning because I felt like I am on the edge of a mental breakdown. And I don't have anyone who gets it. Anyone who does know about the situation think it is fixed now, and I have nothing to worry about. This week I have been raging about the fact he doesn't have to worry about his utility bills! (amongst other things). I mean his situation is not enviable at all. The anger isn't rational but it keeps swirling away.

Your advice has been amazing and I will visit the Alcohol board you suggested and look into NACOA. I have heard about these things, but it just didn't seem like it was for me. So much about how I acted in the past seems confusing now? I feel like the curtain has fallen and it was all just so much nonsense. Everything was about staying on track, not letting anyone know how bad everything was, and I lost myself somewhere.

Anyway, I don't know about who you all are but your time was really appreciated, and you have made a massive difference to my day. Seriously, I think you are so kind to spend time writing to me. I will reread the posts after a sleep. There is so much there.

Pointythings - a quick question about Smart friends and family:
iirc you said that Smart recovery is for alcoholics to look for reasons why they drink.
In AA and 12 step it’s more “I have a drink problem and what can I do about it now” rather than looking for reasons.
Personally I prefer that approach but that’s by the by.
In Al Anon one learns one is powerless over the alcoholic., what approach does Smart friends and family take?

You are not alone with how you are feeling. Like other posters have said, contact al anon or NACOA.

Personally I preferred NACOA, I found them to be the listening ear I needed when things were really hard, and finding other people who were going through the same thing really helped.

Unfortunately I am in a very similar situation with my dad. Some days I don't think about him and other days I am filled with hatred and resentment and I'm not sure those feelings will ever go away, even when he dies.

I think the comment from his support worker was very unhelpful, never feel guilty for not visiting or wanting to rebuild a relationship. Focus on yourself and your own mental health.

@Ilovewhippets I haven't done SMART, but given that its support for addicts is CBT based I imagine the support for relatives is the same, so it would be about examining a person's reactions in their situation and looking at replacing them with more positive ones - self care, better coping strategies, setting boundaries and ending the pattern of enabling. This is what we do in the support group I co-facilitate.

I come from a background of working in mental health and mental health research, so the SMART approach would be my personal preference, but there's no magic bullet and different things work for different people.

Absolutely this.
Being with people who really understand how you feel is a wonderful experience and so comforting.

You have clearly grown up to be a very generous woman to have been involved at all.

Feel no guilt in telling them to stop calling you.

You did more than he deserved.

Find comfort and support from a community of people who understand the hard road you have lived.

Wishing you well.

A friend of mine who did this told me every time she spoke of it, she let it go the tiniest bit.

It will take time but if it relieves even some of the anger and softens the load for you, it will be worth it.

Having asked my DH if it is ok to post his story he said it was fine. I am not giving advice but there may be something in his story that you can relate to.
His father was an alcoholic who died last year when he caught covid at the age of 94. At this point he was in a care home and more-or-less my Dh had ceased contact with him.
His childhood was extreme poverty due to his father's drinking, gambling and violence. His mother did not have a happy life and died some 20+ years before her husband.
My Dh struggled all of his life with this and was nc with all of his family. He did however continue to support his father financially and made sure he did not want for anything materially. He said that this was nothing other than guilt which he carried for no other reason than he is a good and kind person.
I won't go into all of the details but around a year ago he started keeping a journal and wrote in it every day. Interesting that he said he never once read what he had written as he was too scared.
One day we went for a walk along the beach and stopped for a coffee. The sun was shining and we could see a Dad and young son playing in the water. My Dh was very quiet and then started to cry. I did not push him but later after he had time to digest his thoughts he said he had forgiven his Dad. It was important to him to explain that this was not superficial but he had thought about his Dad's life and said it was ok to forgive him for all that he visited on my Dh.
It was a huge moment and it allowed my Dh to move on after nearly 60 years. He geniunely carries no resentment and has even spoken about his parents in a soft and gentle way. It has allowed him to move forward and get on with his life.
Good Luck OP.

Thank you again for your posts. they have given me a lot to think about, I had a bit of an exhausting day emotionally and I feel a bit spent now, I have read up a bit about al anon, and it really does sound like something that could help, the meeting in my closest city is on Monday night, it says I have to phone to check it is still face to face but I will try and do that before Friday. I still feel a bit unsure about it all, but I think I need something. I have this idea it will be like an AA meeting and you don't have to talk. I know this isn't the point, but my F was rarely violent, (and never really bad) and he worked, and I know other people had it harder, I don't know how they cope tbh.

@MMmomDD I will think about your suggestion, I have lost my mum and I don't have many regrets there and I know that makes it easier to grieve.... It is something to think about, I will spend far more of my life without him in it than with him in it, I need to work out what will make that time easier, so thank you.

@Loopyloo1985 I am so sorry you are in the same position with your father. It really is very hard, it makes me look very hard at everything and it is so exhausting, and I don't even know what the point is? I read some information and experiences of the Nacoa page; it was really sobering actually. Thank you.

@FlatOutAgain Thank you for telling me about your husband's experience and that moment on the beach, I can imagine it very clearly and I am so glad he has found some peace in his life after so long. I really do appreciate the time and effort you took in the post and please thank your husband for allowing me to hear of his experiences, he has been through a lot, and no one is due peace more than him.

@pointythings I am sorry you went through that with your husband and I hope your DC are doing Okay, I will be looking up the alcohol board in the next wee while and will say hello if I see you there!

@BobbyGentry Thank you for those words. I've heard them but never applied them and they helped me today

@Sapphirensteel I have this saying I just say out loud, it comes from nowhere and one day I will just say it in the middle of work, or a conversation "I will dance over his paupers grave". I don't feel angry now, I have no idea if paupers' graves are even a thing anymore either. It feels daft in a still, calm mood. but when I am angry I want it very badly. So I can understand your reaction and I am sorry you went through so much to get to that stage. I want to mourn both my parents. I want them both to be mourn (able). But, that won't be the case. I mourn the father I never had, not the one I had.

@billy1966 , I met you once in a different post a good while ago now and you were as kind then as you are now. Thank you for your post, I took a lot from it. You really are a good soul.

@Arranstorm I am sorry for your experience, and I am grateful for the handhold, it made me cry today when I read the posts. I will seek support. It does feel like there are people out there who will understand and not judge me. Which, maybe I have been judging myself a lot. I am glad you are in a good place now, peace should never be over-rated.

@sleepymum50 Your experience may be different, but the feelings sound the same and that anger you feel, and you know, resonates a lot with me. I do think an ending would help, I feel like I am grieving or angry about something already lost. I don't know, my head is confused, but I get the feeling you will forgive me for that.

I hope my posts make sense and thank you everyone for taking time to talk to me today, and thank you for the good wishes. I return them all to you in kind 🍭(I can't find flowers so have a lollipop instead)

Goodnight all

PointyThings thank you for answering my question.

OP all the very best - alcoholism is an absolute curse without any single positive aspects. Al Anon will help you, though.

Hi op - also look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - very positive and helpful.
I still have unresolved anger to my father - well he wasn’t a father actually.
Its the devastation he caused us all that I see daily in my family and the struggles we have.
Help is available if we want it and can handle what comes up for us.
You are not alone. 🌺