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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend not so friendly anymore

53 replies

Baggy99 · 05/09/2022 21:52

I'm not sure if I'm simply being paranoid.... but here goes. My husband and I have a couple that are mutual friends. However, the female has suddenly started ignoring my messages and is quite off with me. She's now started messaged my husband instead. He says there's nothing to worry about, but I think her behaviour is quite odd! I have absolutely no idea why she's acting this way and neither does my husband. Am I over reacting, as I think there's something quite odd going on.

OP posts:
Bluebellberry · 05/09/2022 21:54

That is strange. What is she texting him?

LeoLady08 · 05/09/2022 21:54

I find that odd too. What kind of messages does she send?

Original poster
Baggy99 · 05/09/2022 21:58

From what I know, it's things about days out etc....nothing sinister. It's just really odd......I'm not suspicious of my husband, but I don't understand why she would suddenly change behaviour. The last time we did anything together, I had quite a lovely chat with her. She then just started replying to me with emojis and now nothing at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Baggy99 · 05/09/2022 22:01

She also ignores me on social media, but comments when my husband posts! If I've upset her, I'd rather her just say!

OP posts:
FairyHannie · 05/09/2022 22:02

Either ignore her or ask her!

LeoLady08 · 05/09/2022 22:15

Baggy99 · 05/09/2022 22:01

She also ignores me on social media, but comments when my husband posts! If I've upset her, I'd rather her just say!

I think I'd have to ask her if you've upset her. It's better to find out than to be wondering/worrying about it. It's very strange that she's communicating with your husband like she is but at least he's telling you so I don't think you've got anything to worry about there.

These days out? Would you be invited? Can you think of anything you've said that could have upset or offended her? Is she the sort who goes in a mood easily?

Original poster
Baggy99 · 05/09/2022 22:21

I've thought about this loads and I can't think of anything I might of said. We had a lovely time last time we met and she's just changed. I think you're right....I probably need to ask her. I just don't want to create any upset with the group of friends. My husband can't see why it's upsetting me, but it's making me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Bluebellberry · 06/09/2022 09:44

Could your husband ask her, in a low key way, if everything is ok between you and her?

LeoLady08 · 06/09/2022 10:45

It sounds like a very awkward situation but you do need to know so you can deal with it in one way or another.

I think your husband is being a bit cruel by not seeing why you're upset. Most of us would be upset or bothered if a friend stopped talking to us for no apparent reason, and especially when they're still messaging your husband. Did she used to message him much before this or could she be doing it to wind you up?

I really would have to ask her what the problem is. Or could your husband ask her? Is she an approachable person?

Mary46 · 06/09/2022 11:54

I would just ask have I done something? Very odd agree.

OriginalUsername2 · 06/09/2022 12:00

That is strange! Get DP to remind her that you’re waiting to hear back from her and see what happens.

Have you been over-friendly and she’s backing off?

bakebeans · 06/09/2022 12:07

I think this is strange too.

Original poster
Baggy99 · 06/09/2022 12:13

I'm always quite conscious of people's space and feelings, so I try not to be OTT. I'm quite a confident person, so I'm not sure if this bothers her. I've always been the same though, so I'm not sure why she's changed. My hubby keeps assuring me there's nothing going on and I'm worrying too much, but he agrees it's odd and noticed that she suddenly stopped messaging me and went to him. I do want to speak to her about it, but hubby doesn't want me to cause an atmosphere.

OP posts:
PuggyMum · 06/09/2022 12:14

Sounds very strange. I would also suggest your DH should politely ask her why she's messaging him and not you as it's making him feel a bit awkward.

Prefernottosay · 06/09/2022 12:15

You have definitely done something that perceived or otherwise on her part has changed her actions towards you and she may or may not want to address that with you.

It is up to you how you want to proceed there are a good few choices, for example do you:
want to ask outright, try to go forward having a few consistent positive experiences that outweigh whatever caused the blip, accept the step back in friendship/pull back from any emotional connection from your side and keep it at purely acquaintance level or let it drop completely.

Loads of choices to handle it from your side but if the dynamic has changed out of the blue there is always a reason.

PuggyMum · 06/09/2022 12:17

Hmmm x posted. Why is your DH worried about you causing an atmosphere? There is an atmosphere. She's caused it.
He should be backing you up and not encouraging her.

Leafy3 · 06/09/2022 12:22

Agree you need to address it with her. V strange behaviour and many people would find it inappropriate that's she's only texting your hubby now. I'd call her out on it.

layladomino · 06/09/2022 12:28

Your DH is more concerned about her feelings than yours it seems. He's worried about YOU causing an atmosphere but it is she who has created it. He wants you to suck it up so as not to upset your friend/s.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 06/09/2022 12:35

He doesn't sound like he minds.

Soozikinzii · 06/09/2022 12:38

Is it possible that she fancies your DH? Don't want to be some kind of gossip merchant but I have known this to happen to a good friend of mine .

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/09/2022 12:53

layladomino · 06/09/2022 12:28

Your DH is more concerned about her feelings than yours it seems. He's worried about YOU causing an atmosphere but it is she who has created it. He wants you to suck it up so as not to upset your friend/s.

Probably so as not to rock the boat with her husband who's the OP's husband's mate.

Original poster
Baggy99 · 06/09/2022 12:57

She never used to message my husband....it was always me. He doesn't understand why I find it upsetting or suspicious!

OP posts:
PuggyMum · 06/09/2022 14:09

He doesn't need to understand it. He just needs to know is upsets you and you find it suspicious.
What 'days out' is she messaging him about? All it takes is for him to reply and say 'you're best speaking to Baggy as we've got a few things in the diary' if he doesn't want to say 'is there a reason you're coming to me with this and ignoring baggy because its making me feel a bit awkward to be honest'.

My dh has come home from lunch and I've asked him and he said it would be weird if our female mutual friend did this. We have a group chat for the 4 of us and then the boys chat re golf. The only time the m/f message is if we need someone to grab a child from school (we met as kids in nursery).

earlybaby · 06/09/2022 14:12

Every time she messages him, YOU reply. That should give a hint!

skyeisthelimit · 06/09/2022 14:12

all he needs to do is ask her to arrange stuff with you because you know the calendar better than him or something like that, and stop replying to her