I've been incredibly stupid

[Flo54]

I've been in an unhappy marriage for a long time. Together 20 years and husband has been emotionally abusive.

Last year I got myself together and was looking great. It's all a long story but I had video sex with a guy that we both know.

He had been pursing me for years and one night I got drunk and it happened. I felt really bad but it happened a few times. I thought he cared about me and in my head was going to take me away from everything.

I then realised it was just sex and the things he told me were rubbish. I have a strong belief that he screen recorded it and has either shown it to his friends or definitely told some of them. They all drink I. The local pub where my husband goes. Also a woman I work with drinks there and she has become aware and I think has told my work colleagues.

I have lost 2 stone in weight and had a breakdown. I am so utterly ashamed and the thought of my 2 teenage children finding out is making me ill. I am feeling suicidal about this and don't know what to do. (Just feelings I won't act on it)

Please don't flame me my husband has ground me down over the years and I thought I had a chance of happiness :(

I would tell the police and get home to delete the video

First of all - get yourself to a GP and ask for help work your MH and your thoughts. Maybe counselling could help.

Secondly - maybe it’s a push you need to act and change your life? You are clearly very unhappy in your marriage - so maybe it’s time to start changing your life?

I doubt he recorded anything, Maybe he told his fiends - maybe not. Who really cares.
Its more important that you decide what you really want from this life and make changes.
Your teenagers certainly won’t want to know about any of that and I don’t think any of the adults are vindictive or stupid enough to get them involved.

I don’t blame you - you do sound so so unhappy. And I do hope you will find some strength to change your life the way you know you need to

I'd go to the police.

You must feel so desperate, I'm so sorry. Why is he telling people about this? Have you spoken to him? Does your husband know?

You'll be ok, just take it one step at a time but he is breaking the law... you could use that.

You can't be certain that your work colleagues know.

How long ago did this happen and do you have actual prrof others know, it could be your mind in overdrive but could you call him, ask him, warn him that any divulgence would be you going to the police.

In the worst case scenario if it is known, front it out, you tell others of the abuse you suffered and tell your husband you're leaving.

You will overcome this.

Can't you ask him to delete it? If he won't then go to the police

You stepped out. I won’t judge you right now (it’s tough), but doing so has put you at a disadvantage.

is he single?

The fact that he didn’t actually have sex and had opportunity to do so…. Makes me suspect he is very weak. Either in a relationship or unable to perform.

Also how did it end? Is he sure you haven’t recorded anything?

Be aggressive in this. He’s a weak piece of ….. lord…. So many horrible things…..

PS it’s tough because I’ve been cheated in and it’s horrible…. But I wouldn’t want someone I cared about treated in this way. The absence of me and the lack of access to me as I move on to live my best/better life is ‘revenge” enough.

You need to get be a lioness

Hi op. I think it is unlikely that an adult man would show or tell his friends. I think you’re being paranoid.

Good for you for getting yourself together and whilst what you did isn’t great, it is a first step to leaving your marriage. You shouldn’t stay with an abusive man, especially if you have kids because they will grow up thinking that your relationship is acceptable.

Do you know the woman you work with is aware or assume she is? Are you close to her? I would assume it is more likely to have been discussed than physically shared.

Are you still with your husband? Could you leave?

Forgetting the moral aspect, affairs happen a lot and you won't be the first or the last. It also sounds as though this is not as cut and dry as you simply cheating, there are other factors at play based on your husbands behaviour. You don't need to beat yourself up about this. You made a mistake and one that many people have.

Please speak to your GP.

Can you speak to the man about this?

Dump the husband, move on and find someone who actually cares. I doubt a grown man has shown videos of him having sex with you.
Just leave the husband then if it does come out at least youll have the chance to say well yeah my marriage was in the dumps for a long time Soi had ADULT sex with someone SO WHAT!

I would tell the police and get home to delete the video

But wouldn’t OP have to know there actually was a video? At present it seems that she thinks there might be but has nothing to base this on? It could just be that there is no video and he has told all of his mates down the pub (likely embellishing the story as well), and word has got around, or there may be a video, who knows.

Why do you think he's told people, I mean, what is your basis for that? What's been said or done?

Firstly, leave your husband if you haven’t already.

There’s no point waiting for him to kick you out .

Secondly, tell this man you believe he has a video of you and you’re going to the police.

His reaction will be a big clue whether he has one or not.

I doubt he did record it as you would have noticed at the time.
I think it’s just you panicking and coming to the reality that your relationship is over.

What makes you think he has shown people? any hints dropped or anything about specific events that would have been seen? I wouldn't assume he had done so unless you have some reason to believe it. If he has shared any video then it's a crime but it would be extremely creepy behaviour.

I think the key thing here is how unhappy you are in the marriage. Having a video call with this man was symptomatic. Would you consider taking steps to leave?

I have nowhere to go. He has definitely told people and I think it's only a matter of time before it all comes out.
I can't believe how stupid I've been. I'm going to ruin my childrens lives and all my family

Can you speak to him?

Tell him if he doesn't delete the video, you will go to the police. Say its revenge porn and he will be charged?

I'm so sorry OP. Can you speak to him and ask that he delete anything that's been recorded? If he is sharing video footage then this is revenge porn and it's illegal. I think you have to take a huge deep breath and take control of the situation and if need be, report him.

Then maybe look at your marriage and at ways to either fix it or get out.

I wish you all the best

Hey hey hey! We all make mistakes! You are human! Nobody was physically hurt. Your marriage is dead. Gossip will move on. Brazen it out. Its a chance for you to move on.

Your kids lives will not be ruined over this. It might be a little uncomfortable but it will be ok..

Its not a hanging offence. You are ok. Dont worry.

Just start a new life away from your husband. You will find strength and be stronger than you imagine. You will get through this and start a new chapter. Your kids love you for who you are - this episode does not define you. Its ok xxxx

No, you're not. It's an embarrassing video, it's not the end of the world. It would be today's gossip and tomorrow's chipshop wrappers, as they say. The main problem is when it comes to your abusive husband, of course.

You need to stop panicking about this and start sorting out how to end the marriage.

What's your situation with housing/finances? Have you spoken with domestic abuse services about your marriage? What are your obstacles to leaving the marriage and starting a new life with your kids, maybe somewhere else?

I have no money and nowhere to go. My children are going to be so ashamed of me.

If you're married, you're entitled to half of any marital assets. You also have home rights whether or not you're on a mortgage, deeds or tenancy. You may be able to get legal advice from the Rights of Women: Website

You can talk through your situation with domestic abuse services and see what options you have: Website . One option may be going into a refuge with your kids.

Are you working? Even if not, if you have no access to money but he does, then it's likely you are also being financially abused. Which is also domestic abuse and recognised as such.

Don't let your fear continue to freeze you in place. You need to get yourself and your children out of an abusive home.

You are human and should not be so ashamed of yourself. Honestly, you just need a plan here because it’s not ideal for sure but how you handle it will greatly impact how miserable it all is for you.

Firstly, I would try and find out what your colleague has seen. Brazen it out! You’ve behaved badly but your reasons are your own. Ask her if she saw a video from dickhead man and take it from there. If she confirms what you believe, then get the police involved.

Go to the man himself if you can and tell him that if he has shared any sexual content of you, you will go to the police.

For your husband, as long as he will not be dangerous, I would tell him that you cheated through video sex and believe the man might share that content around. Be clear that you are sorry for what you did but not sorry for asking to separate after a long and unhappy marriage.

Separate from your husband.

Don’t bring your kids into the video issue at all unless they hear something, then you can tell them straight that you did something very stupid and risky. And that they may in future understand why you did it. But for now you have the police involved already as it’s a crime what the man is doing in sharing the video content.

I don't know if it's reassuring at all OP, but I just wanted to say that if I ever heard gossip about a man and a woman having consenting video sex, only for the man to screen-record it and share it amongst his friends, the only person I would look down on in that scenario is the man for his sleazy behaviour. Cam sex is legal, it's fine, people do it - unconsented recording and sharing of said videos is not fine and it isn't legal.

I'm not minimising your situation - I understand how mortified you must be, and what a desperate situation you must feel in, however please remember that, even if they don't say it, anyone who is shown the video will likely raise an eyebrow at the man sharing it if they are a decent human being.

I wouldn't judge someone for having cam sex, nor would I want to see the video, and I believe a lot of people are in the same boat as me.

People enjoy gossip for the 1 or 2 days it lasts, but it will soon die out and fade, people will forget, time will move on, new things will happen that they will gossip about instead. You have not committed a crime, you have not hurt anyone, you are not a bad person and you have not ruined anyone's lives.

If you want to contact the police you are within your rights to do so, I will understand however if this is not something you feel you can do.

You CAN leave your husband, move to another town, start a fresh in somewhere that people don't know you. You are free to deal with this however you think is best.

Some people might recommend you try and "own" it. If it's mentioned to you, brush it off with "yeah I did, and?". The lack of embarassment and the "owning" of your actions takes the wind out of the sails of anyone who might be trying to get some more gossip from the situation. When I was much younger, a "friend" took a photograph of me as I was getting changed and she shared it to a group chat. I was asked about it in the way of "omg you must be mortified!" by other smirking "friends", but I flattened their enjoyment by saying "no, I think I look good haha, just wish I had time to put my frilly knickers on rather than those granny pants". It was soon forgotten about, as the gossip became less "gossipy" once they didn't get a reaction from me.

I hope you find a way to deal with this that suits you OP, thinking of you <3

but I just wanted to say that if I ever heard gossip about a man and a woman having consenting video sex, only for the man to screen-record it and share it amongst his friends, the only person I would look down on in that scenario is the man for his sleazy behaviour

This. Anyone with any shred of decency would think this man was a disgusting piece of shit and probably feel sympathy for you.

You will not " ruin your dc's lives" that's being melodramatic. I get your embarrassment but honestly, if I heard rumours that a woman I knew had done this I'd probably just laugh or roll my eyes and then forget all about it. I second pp's that it's doubtful he has shown people a recording - that would be illegal and he could be in deep shit for it.

You need to look at separating from your dh - the marriage sounds dead in the water.

What you did was daft but people do stupid things when drunk (maybe consider giving up booze if you lose all common sense when drunk?).

Dont be too hard on yourself.

@Flo54

stop stressing.

you had video 'sex'. You aren't the first & you won't be the last.

it sounds like you live somewhere 'small' with everyone knowing everyone else & it's making you a bit paranoid.

you can leave your husband, if you want to. Womens Aid will help you, we will help you. You don't need to stay with him, being abused & feeling like you don't deserve better than this.

having 'video sex' with another bloke isn't exactly respecting your vows, but after 20 odd years of emotionally abusing you, your husband doesn't exactly have a leg to stand on either!

you should leave
you can leave

only question is are you going to?