I've been incredibly stupid

[Flo54]

I've been in an unhappy marriage for a long time. Together 20 years and husband has been emotionally abusive.

Last year I got myself together and was looking great. It's all a long story but I had video sex with a guy that we both know.

He had been pursing me for years and one night I got drunk and it happened. I felt really bad but it happened a few times. I thought he cared about me and in my head was going to take me away from everything.

I then realised it was just sex and the things he told me were rubbish. I have a strong belief that he screen recorded it and has either shown it to his friends or definitely told some of them. They all drink I. The local pub where my husband goes. Also a woman I work with drinks there and she has become aware and I think has told my work colleagues.

I have lost 2 stone in weight and had a breakdown. I am so utterly ashamed and the thought of my 2 teenage children finding out is making me ill. I am feeling suicidal about this and don't know what to do. (Just feelings I won't act on it)

Please don't flame me my husband has ground me down over the years and I thought I had a chance of happiness :(

I can't leave at the moment. I have 2 teenagers going through important exams. There is no equity in house and I only have a part time job. Which I'm probably going to lose as I'm off with depression.
I can't even function at the moment. I'm not sleeping or eating properly.
i have no friends or family. I know I was stupid I stopped drinking straight after as I was so disgusted with myself.
Im a laughing stock but it's my children I'm more worried about.

Could I ask, are you fearful of your husband, are you scared of him?

It may be wise to contact WA and explain the situation if you feel in a dangerous situation.

Being unfaithful is one thing but to feel unsafe and frightened is another and if this charmer of a man has exposed you to danger, he needs to be cautioned or prosecuted.

I don't think he would hit me or anything. I'm just so totally ashamed. I need to try and forget it and move on and try and make a life for myself. But I'm living in fear it will come out.

Is there a possibility that no body else does know and you have got yourself in such a state about this that you have made yourself paranoid ? I think this could be it bless you. You have made a mistake but it's not a hanging offence and you did it because you were unhappy. It's honestly not worth ruining your life over. Please try and put it behind you. I would be near certain your kids won't find out. Maybe focus on getting away from your husband and building a better happier life Good luck

Right, I'm going to say something completely out of character. This is why I'd do (whether you want to or not is up to you, of course):

Step 1 (and this is my normal character) - tell the guy that you know he has the video, and that the police are informed but they've asked you to make it clear that you have asked him to delete the video cease and desist before they take action - don't do this in writing otherwise he'll have evidence. His response will tell you everything whether he has the video.

If he does have the video: tell the police.

If he doesn't have the video...

Step 2 (this is the out of character bit) - deny, deny, deny, always 100% deny - tell anyone who raises it with you that he lying. Don't waver... just deny everything.

Step 3 - kick off the plan to leave your husband, you both deserve to be in happy and fulfilling relationships.

I think this is good advice. You need to start taking control of the situation and find your inner lioness. I honestly do think you're probably being paranoid about him videoing it - and if there isn't a video it's simply your word against his.

Also, he is on the video as well. Do you think he would want to put himself out there like that, IF it even exists, that is. Chances are, he won't.

If there IS a recording, and it’s a big IF, it will have him wanking in the corner of the screen most likely. I can’t imagine he’ll be showing anyone.

No the first time he was wanking.

The last time was just his face, that's when I think he screen recorded it. It's probably deleted now as he had a girlfriend and was even paranoid about text messages as she looks at his phone.

It's just the utter humiliation of it all. I really don't know what came over me to be so very stupid. I've lived with this for a while but my depression has got worse and worse. I'm under the crisis team and due to see a doctor on Friday.
I wish I could just brazen it out but I think I'm too far down now to get back up

The reason I think he has spoken about/shared it is I got a friend request from one of his equally slimy friends.
Probably telling them I am up for it.
I did message him a few weeks back and asked him and he said he hadn't recorded it and wouldn't say anything but I don't believe him.
what a mess
I've really messed up with work now too.

You seem to be rationalising it a little better now. Remember he has a life and a girlfriend to lose. Anything like that would have been depleted ages ago for fear of it fucking up his life. Please don't worry anymore. You are living in a world of " what ifs" and it will make you ill. Get better, and deal with your other issues when your mind isn't racing x

It's not 100% true that everyone knows then? Why do you think the woman knows and has told your colleagues?

Its all a very long story about the work colleague. But I'm sure she knows and she would definitely have shared it. She has never liked me.
I've been getting upset I. Work and they are all fed up with .

This sounds good OP. If he has a gf who checks his phone then he is very unlikely to have recorded it. If he says it verbally to people, you can just say that he is lying.

If she really didn't like you op, she would have spread it as soon as she found out, if she was that way inclined. So she either isn't, in which case, it's not a problem, or she doesn't know anything, again, not a problem, or there is nothing to know, again not a problem.

But I think she did. It's only now that I've stopped drinking I can see things clearer.
They must have known for a while.

He definitely said something because I got the friend request. I've been blocking it all out.

Years ago I got told some salacious gossip about someone at my work who I didn’t know well. We all had a good giggle about it. A while later I got to know this person and found out they were really friendly and a nice person. And the gossip went out of my head completely, in fact I totally forgot about it. The story came to mind at random one day and I just felt no interest in it, in fact I wished I’d never heard it or had the conversation. It didn’t concern me and now I knew the person involved it just felt like none of my business. So the point I’m making is that people who love you and care about you wouldn’t care about it. And people who don’t…they don’t matter, do they?

Hugs handhold no flaming off me love my dreams are shattered but that not for discussion here. Get as much help as you can and get out of that marriage. Life’s too short I’ve realised this yes we’ve shared fish Well mini fish and chips tonight but I’ve had years of being unhappy.

Then it's done already. And you are panicking over something that's already in the past. And nothing awful has happened. So chill X

You need to centre yourself and think what if nothing is said about it. What if there is no video. What if the woman doesn’t know.

Everything will be okay. Focus step by step on the here and now. Maybe start going for walks or reading. You need activities to distract your mind from over thinking.

At the minute your anxiety is leading you to catastrophize the situation. This is exhausting for you as you get no rest from the thinking. Use the crisis team to speak to the workers openly and privately about how stressed you’ve felt. When they go distract yourself. If not reading/walking pick something a project to distract.

everything will be okay this is just a drop of time in your whole life that you will look back on and see that it was all okay in the end.

Be logical about it. Has your H been behaving any differently. Given he's abusive, it should be obvious if he knows. The next thing is that any decent person knows that if someone shares shit like that, it's the person sharing who is twisted and abusive, and you are the victim.
You've possibly tried to swap one abusive male for another, which shows that basically you are a vulnerable person who is too eager to please any man who gives you complements and attention.
The other concern, and its the main one, is that ultimatley, you looked to a man to hopefully get you out of the problem
you've got with your current man. That's just plainly the wrong way to exit. Do the freedom programme, sort yourself out, and leave on your own terms.
Also, unless you've bought very recently, or borrowed heavily on your mortgage, I fail to see how any house doesn't have equity, given that they have skyrocketed in value recently - is that just a lie your H tells you?
Get your ducks in a row and don't look to any man for a long time. Not until you are at a point where you have the confidence to say no to their unreasonable requests and can assert what you need for a change.

You haven’t ruined their lives.
there are laws against him sharing this now, find some clarity, ask if he’s keeping a copy to delete, report him

You really need to pull yourself together and take control! Stop believing you have no power. You can leave!!! Are you depressed about this scenario?
Ita good you stopped drinking. Your children care about you and are old enough to know you are human.
Find a new full time job?
Forget what people think.
Just chill out because your husband is going to reqlly take advtantage of you if you dont. You need a strong advocate or friend - do you have someone you trust?

Just front it out and deny. Men do it all the time !

leave your job and move elsewhere if it bothers you that much.