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Original poster

DH negative about me returning to work after mat leave

32 replies

Wife21 · 05/09/2022 19:38

So... I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice, or just ranting.

Married, 2 children, happy relationship. Had a rough patch last year but we worked through it as a team. Did some counselling (both of us, separate and together). But genuinely happy in our life.

I'm returning to work as maternity leave has ended with youngest child. Childcare arranged and has already been implemented to settle the children in before I returned.

Overnight it's like my husband is suddenly annoyed at me working. Keeps telling me 'how hard I'll find it working with kids' and 'I'm gonna be knackered' etc. FWIW I went back to work after first child, and worked as a doctor in hospital during covid. So yeah, we aware of how hard it is to have a child being difficult at home then going into a stressful job at work.

During maternity leave we discussed our 'ideal' situation, which would be me working part time to be more present with children. But this would only work if he aimed for higher paying roles (capable in his field of work). He decided he likes the job he is in more. Which seemed like a solid decision to have him happy in his job.

I told him that it's not fair for him to be so negative about me returning to work, and that it can be a big thing for a mum to be with their baby for so long and then have to go back to work. I said the option was there for me to be more present at home but he chose to stay in his job. But he doesn't get it. All the counselling and strategies for effective communication just aren't working this time. It would be much easier to deal with this big change if he were more supportive.

OP posts:
Rainbowpurple · 05/09/2022 20:28

He thinks it is ultimately your job to look after the kids, hence keeps saying "how hard you will find working with kids."

He wants you to stay home, doing all the childcare so he can stay in his job that he enjoys.

If he thinks it will be hard juggling with 2 kids and work ( which it certainly is), he can step up to contribute more.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 05/09/2022 20:30

Why will you find it hard working with kids? Does he? Or does he see it as your role to parent and work and he just work?

TartanGirl1 · 05/09/2022 20:31

How hard you will find it working with kids? Will be not find it equally hard to be a working parent?

Maybe he could go part time...

Justmuddlingalong · 05/09/2022 20:33

He's hoping you knock your pan in trying to do everything at home as well as working, so you don't admit how hard you're finding it. Then he can get away with not pulling his weight. Don't fall for it, OP, set some boundaries now.

NewtoHolland · 05/09/2022 20:34

No advice but just solidarity, mine is the same and I go back in 3 weeks 😬😬. You'll find your rhythm with it but so much better if they could be on our side and provide some kind of allyship within it!

TooHotToTangoToo · 05/09/2022 20:34

Sounds like it's less about you being home with the dc, and more about you being at home and being able to look after your dh.

Your communication strategies aren't working because he doesn't want them to, because it means he won't get his own way

Allmarbleslost · 05/09/2022 20:36

What he actually means is that his life is going to get more difficult when you go back to work.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/09/2022 20:37

That’s his way of saying he plans to contribute as little as possible to the raising of your children and the running of the household

I’d tell him that you both need to start prepping for your return to work by allocating tasks now and operating as if you were back at work. Then when you start back you should both be in the swing of things You can also work out if you need a cleaner etc.

Ignore complaining without solutions. Ignore solutions that don’t include him in his role as an equal partner and parent.

He is only thinking of himself

GoneWithTheWine1 · 05/09/2022 20:38

He's thinking about how hard his life will be when you go back. He's purely being a selfish toss pot and wants the best of both worlds.

Teenyliving · 05/09/2022 20:39

He’s a selfish sexist - no amount of cunselling is gonna change that 🤷‍♀️

go back to work so you have the financial resources that you need so you have the choice to leave him

foghead · 05/09/2022 20:39

You could admit that yes, you will find it harder but with the both of you pulling your weight, it'll work out. How are you both can work together to make it fair?
Besides, in a few years, it'll be much easier as the children grow.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/09/2022 20:39

Rainbowpurple · 05/09/2022 20:28

He thinks it is ultimately your job to look after the kids, hence keeps saying "how hard you will find working with kids."

He wants you to stay home, doing all the childcare so he can stay in his job that he enjoys.

If he thinks it will be hard juggling with 2 kids and work ( which it certainly is), he can step up to contribute more.

Please pay attention to this post. It says everything you need to think about.

OliveOyl321 · 05/09/2022 20:40

I definitely think this is more about him thinking about how your return to work will affect him than it is about anything else. He’s worried that he will have to pull his weight more with childcare and dinner etc.
He’s probably gotten used to you doing the majority of it on your mat. leave and is crapping himself now that he’s realised that’s all going to change!!!
Good luck with your return to work. He’ll be fine 😂

Original poster
Wife21 · 05/09/2022 20:40

I have made it very clear that everything will be 50/50. He already does a lot more than some of the men you read about on MN. But yeah since I've been on maternity leave I've been happy to take on more of the workload.

He's very black and white about things and he is very literal with things. I think I might need to make some sort of list to make it clear what things he'll need to take charge of and what things I'll take responsibility for.

But yeah if he thinks he's gonna get away with slacking off while we both work full time and both have two children he's wrong!

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 05/09/2022 20:44

It’s probably been quite nice for him this year. He had to juggle when you worked full time after dc1, then he’s had a year of you at home, picking up the slack and he doesn’t want to have to do more.

does he want the lifestyle your wage gives, meaning he doesn’t have to push his career, but not the downside of you not being there to look after the house? would he be happy to downsize the house / reduce your lifestyle to be able to cope with less?

would he go part time?

Original poster
Wife21 · 05/09/2022 20:47

Teenyliving · 05/09/2022 20:39

He’s a selfish sexist - no amount of cunselling is gonna change that 🤷‍♀️

go back to work so you have the financial resources that you need so you have the choice to leave him

I don't think one conflict in our relationship makes him sexist. If it did surely he'd be more like - he takes out the bins, I clean the toilets - kind of man (FYI we literally share all housework like that pre mat leave)

I honestly think he's just become comfortable in me taking on the larger share in the house.

Also just to prevent further comments like this. We have had no conflict like this before, so there will be no LTB over some housework! Grin

OP posts:
Teenyliving · 05/09/2022 20:51

he’d be more comfortable with you doing the larger share of the domestic chores?

well. quite.

Original poster
Wife21 · 05/09/2022 21:07

Teenyliving · 05/09/2022 20:51

he’d be more comfortable with you doing the larger share of the domestic chores?

well. quite.

Okay, I'll bite. But in the previous 15 years of our relationship, and certainly while I was studying, he took on a much larger share of the domestic chores than me.... So this still makes him sexist?

Sorry, I know MN only gives you a snapshot into someone's life. Just trying to add context here.

OP posts:
DucklingDaisy · 05/09/2022 21:20

Make it clear to him that it’s going to be both of you finding it harder, because he’s going to have to take on more domestic tasks going forward. Also remind him again that you discussed the option of you working part time, but he preferred not to seek a higher paying role. Ask him what he’s actually suggesting here.

Topgub · 05/09/2022 22:47

Huh.

Youre denying your oh is a sexist pig after you've posted things like

husband is suddenly annoyed at me working. Keeps telling me 'how hard I'll find it working with kids' and 'I'm gonna be knackered'

And

would be me working part time to be more present with children.

All of which shows he views childcare as your job. Because you're a woman

How is that not sexist?

DinaofCloud9 · 05/09/2022 22:50

He's realised how handy you being on mat leave has been for him and doesn't want this to change.

HippeePrincess · 05/09/2022 22:52

I’d suggest he goes part time and takes on the childcare if he isn’t going to be the breadwinner

Scottishskifun · 05/09/2022 22:57

Tell him to stop projecting his concerns about having to do more on you and using it as a emotional weapon! Be extremely clear.
This sounds more like he is concerned he's going to have to step up more then he's had to do whilst you have been on mat leave them about you going back to work.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 23:04

He likes not having to do the housework and not having to care for the children. Any concern he says he has for you is just gaslighting bullshit. This is all about him and his selfishness.

Teenyliving · 05/09/2022 23:25

Well I suspect that he was happy to do domestic chores when it was keeping a house with two adults in it tidy and cooking delightful dinners. Childcare clearly doesn’t seem to be included in the scope of domestic duties.

i hope thst I’m wrong - but I’d bet thst you’ll de the one tskineave to care for sick children