DH negative about me returning to work after mat leave

[Wife21]

So... I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice, or just ranting.

Married, 2 children, happy relationship. Had a rough patch last year but we worked through it as a team. Did some counselling (both of us, separate and together). But genuinely happy in our life.

I'm returning to work as maternity leave has ended with youngest child. Childcare arranged and has already been implemented to settle the children in before I returned.

Overnight it's like my husband is suddenly annoyed at me working. Keeps telling me 'how hard I'll find it working with kids' and 'I'm gonna be knackered' etc. FWIW I went back to work after first child, and worked as a doctor in hospital during covid. So yeah, we aware of how hard it is to have a child being difficult at home then going into a stressful job at work.

During maternity leave we discussed our 'ideal' situation, which would be me working part time to be more present with children. But this would only work if he aimed for higher paying roles (capable in his field of work). He decided he likes the job he is in more. Which seemed like a solid decision to have him happy in his job.

I told him that it's not fair for him to be so negative about me returning to work, and that it can be a big thing for a mum to be with their baby for so long and then have to go back to work. I said the option was there for me to be more present at home but he chose to stay in his job. But he doesn't get it. All the counselling and strategies for effective communication just aren't working this time. It would be much easier to deal with this big change if he were more supportive.

Is he concerned about your career and happiness in paid work?

Does he value you doing a job you like, as much as himself doing a job he likes,?

If no to either or both of the above, you have a selfish twunt problem regardless of sexual politics.

I'd focus the conversation right now on what help you're going to need. Because you're both going to need help. Get that lined up. Cleaner, nanny, whatever.

Also, what makes you think you will need to make a list of what needs to be done in the house? That implies you are responsible for the house when it is a shared responsibility. Don't go down that route. You will end up wanting to bury him under the patio.

Yes this kind of 'casual' domestic sexism is somehow the norm in many household sadly.

Just turn to your DH and say, "I am worried about how you will cope with me going back to work now as you need to do 50 percent of chores and childcare including night wakings. I hope you will make a list of things you think you can step up to do now."

How would he react? That will tell you what he thinks.

Thought I'd come back and update.

We haven't managed much communication this week. As it turns out I've been unwell. So, without any communication he's taken on the majority share of the work. I didn't write a list or ask him to do things. They were just done.

So it seems he made those comments out of stress rather than lack of capability.

It does seem that there is an element here that he thinks it’s your kin alone to look after kids. If it is 50:50 then surely you would both be knackered from working and having 2 kids.

doesn’t mean he’s a sexist pig - but may mean he needs to realise he has some assumptions of how things are going to be which he needs to challenge.

This.

Frankly, it should be hard for both working parents. You should be sharing that load equally.

Absolutely maintain you career and financial independence with a man like this!