Getting over a narcissist

[Nizzles]

So I married what I know now to be a narcissist 2 years ago. In that time, he was great at first, very loving, caring etc. I did look after him well, he moved in with me and probably became a cocklodger of sorts. As the relationship progressed, issues like him keeping in contact with his ex affair partner (from his second marriage) and him also going back to his home country alot. It then progressed to violence and here I am now. I am getting trauma counselling to help me resolve issues in my life that have dogged me for years and also this very big issue of being abused by my husband. Despite him telling me he still loves me, I found him on Tinder, in his own country, yesterday. I paid for the plus version where you can go to a precise location and up he popped, already looking for my replacements.

However, I have a big issue in that I still love him. I know this is totally wrong and crazy to think I still feel this way after everything he has done to me. Has anyone gone through this and overcome these silly feelings? I can't seem to let go no matter what he has done to me. I understand this is known as a trauma bond but knowing I will have to deal with him in the future going through a divorce, somehow keeps me invested in a way.

I'm sorry.

I think you have to hold on to the fact he never loved you. Narcissists just don't love others. Only themselves.

That's why he's already online seeking your replacement.

It's a transaction for him. He doesn't have emotions like non narcs

It's trite. And I'm sure you've already heard it. But focus on yourself. It is the best and with narcs I would say only way of recovering.

Do you have kids? Hopefully not and it can be a clean break. I would possibly nominate a family member/friend/lawyer to be your go between for divorce stuff. And then block. No social media. No tinder stalking.

It's hard. But I think it's the only way with narcs.

But you will get better. You will love and be loved again. And that's something he will never have.

Thanks Drinkfeck, it makes sense. But I just look back to the first couple of years where I felt that he truly loved me (even if he didn't really) and it all seemed so believable. He was just so convincing.. he would tell me multiple times a day how much he loved me, adored me etc and me him. And then I guess I got the discard after he kicked me in the face.. he didn't want to admit he was in the wrong and things changed dramatically. I don't know.. I just wish I could turn my feelings off.

Maybe you should join the Freedom Programme. That feeling of still loving the abuser is probably quite common.

I can't help making the analogy with my love of tobacco and alcohol. I can't indulge that love anymore because it is bad for me

I am so sorry you are going through this. Narcissistic people are only ever focussed on their own needs and wants and so they just cannot see you as a person who does anything except serve their needs and once you stop doing that they move onto the next person.

They are typically/often very charismatic people which is where the dread at their leaving you behind comes in and also they spot people to manipulate a mile off. You say you have had past trauma, people speak of red flags but the other side of that coin is that people who are open about past trauma or are just kind/empathetic/nice/authentic people who only look for the best in people are like a flashing beacon to narcissistic people.

You want your ex like an alcoholic wants alcohol. It is an addiction you need to break. It isn’t real, narcissistic people are skilled in being manipulative so they are not real, so you need to just face into the pain and deal with the waves as they come.

I have a whole family of abusive narcissists. They will destroy you rather than change anything about themselves. Don’t do that to yourself.

@Prefernottosay speaks wise words.
the 'love bombing' person at the begininng was a construct, not real.
It doesnt matter how hard you try to 'restore' that you can't as it was never real
there is nothing to 'get through TO' once the Narc has switched that 'off'
No contact is the only way to break the addiction - & it IS a physical & mental addiction that is created by people who behave this way towards others sadly

What is the Freedom programme? I really need to give my head a shake, it is totally like the alcohol analogy. I know I have to go cold turkey but it's so hard, probably because he was so believable to start off with. I question myself all the time, we had big dreams for the future. The only thing is, he relied on me to make those dreams come true. They would've in the future but he wanted them now and became increasingly demanding of this. If I read this as an outside, I would think the whole thing sounds crazy and it is. But I just want to stop having those feelings for him. And it kills me that he will have another woman with a click of his finger, he is very good looking and charming.. ugh! Sorry, I must sound pathetic and even I think I am pathetic.

There are a lot of Mums going through a painful break up right now, this very minute. I know what it’s like when it comes in waves. It’s early days yet so that’s to be expected.
I’ve no words that will ease your pain and all the accompanying angst at present but life has taught me that it will get better in time & one day you’ll be emotionally free of the horrible toe rag.
Chin up & keep putting one foot in front of the other. Big hug too.

I am going through this as well, please read through my thread if you feel able . It’s the worst pain and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, all the while trying to be a good mum and do well at work. Do look at counselling, the freedom programme, I have also contacted my GP for anti depressants to help me get out of this funk. Sending many good thoughts your way❤️

Write down all the horrible things he did when you have weaker moments.

There is lots of online support including videos by Dr Ramanj a specialist in narcissism abuse.

Are you filing for divorce? Will there be assets to divide? If so be prepared for a battle. Narcissists don't have empathy (they can have cognitive empathy which is why they fool partners) so they can be highly vindictive when you are discarded.

Once you separate legal & financial ties it will be easier to move on. Are you his 3rd wife?

I know this is totally wrong and crazy

Thinking that you are wrong and crazy is why you stayed. Stop this thought pattern and you will stop the problems. You love him still because he presented a person to you that you could love. It makes sense and is natural. It's not good for you, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's not wrong to like chocolate, and that's not good for you either. Stop the self criticism. You have your feelings because you are a standard, average human being. I'm sure you're amazing and outstanding in many ways, but in this sense you're completely standard.

Let yourself off the hook. Once you realise that your feelings are valuable (not wrong and crazy), you will value them. And that will make it easier to walk away from people who are bad for you.

Yes I am his third wife unfortunately. I didn't know anything about narcissism before all this and of course, looking back, there were red flags. We don't have any joint assets or children thankfully but I am full sure he will get nasty and try to get something off me. He has no assets himself but he will be due a large inheritance in the future so will be able to provide for himself (his parents are in their 80's). Also, my parents live with me and have right of residence on the house so he will find it hard to get anything from the house. But who knows..he is pure evil!

It's so hard to stop the constant thoughts of him running around my head, I should hate him for all that he has done to me. Instead I just feel heartbroken. How long are these feelings going to last? We had plans made for the future but couldn't act on them for now due to not being able to sell the house as my parents live here with me (separately though). It was his dream to go where we had planned and it would've happened eventually. He is back in his home country which he despises and had said to me only a few days ago, that he wanted to leave asap. I had even gone as far as looking for somewhere for us to rent but he turned that idea down as it was only short term. So instead now he is swiping away on Tinder and has no real way to get back here anytime soon, which I am sure is killing him. He has cut his own nose off to spite his face yet cannot see this. I will never understand it.. they just seem to find it easy to move on even after declaring he wasn't happy with his situation last week.

You feel how you feel good and bad. I personally think it is important to feel those feelings and let them pass and not be telling yourself how you think you should feel. Personally I find that dismissing your emotions slows your acceptance of the situation down and accepting the emotions as they come and not shaming yourself for having them allows the process to happen. Your rational part of your mind knows he is really, really bad news however no human is all bad and those good things are there too. Your emotional part of your mind hasn’t caught up yet. It takes patience and time and you need to be kind to yourself.

You are in the worst part of it, the eye of the storm. The storm will pass.

He’s probably looking for a sugar mama on tinder to help him “pursue him a dreams”. Bin this guy ASAP.

Dr Ramani has awesome insight into healing from narcissistic abuse on her youtube channel

Dont let the tinder use fool you into thinking he has happily moved on
He is just looking for new supply
Its transactional

I am so sorry you are going through this
Yaz of the game has some really useful podcasts

You can listen to those 20-30 minutes and she is so switched on and helpful

Baths help too and outdoor swimming
Meditation and reading

There are loads of woman out there just like you
Many survivors
Its useful to write things down
Take time to heal theres no deadline

This is great advice. I agree with this poster. He presented an image to you that you loved OP. We all do that to a greater or lesser extent OP, people with higher levels of narcissism are on the greater side. You fell for an attractive, charming man, and then you met the human beneath. Let yourself feel the pain of that as much as you need to and then in time you will move on.

I know this feeling
He can and will find another supply
However
You know the end of the story and so do his previous 2 EXW

If its any consolation OP I am a single professional woman who uses dating apps
If I knew a man had been married three times I would end the date and leave
I am sure any switched on woman would do the same

Wheres his home country? Is he Turkish / Meditterean by chance

Also never use Tinder passport again

Jees he is a narc and a visa hunter
Find someone be better

Find your anger, how dare this person treat you like this, who does he think he is. Its tied to your self esteem, which is something everyone getting out of an abusive relationship needs to work on.

Sorry I took so long to get back to you, OP, but this is the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I believe you can take an online version, but it is better in real life

No he’s Western European and had a job that is held in high regard on the frontline. So to some, he probably looks like a hero. He’s tall, good looking, charming etc so I fell for the cliche.

And yes, I would question a man on a dating app why he was married 3 times, the last wedding having taken place less than 2 years ago. Though I suspect Tinder was for him to pass the time while I sorted out his dream life here. He will be disappointed.

So is he a doctor?