Had enough of hubby, I’m lonely and it’s time to change…but how?

[CarPar]

I’ve been married 19 years, we’ve had ups and downs, more downs than ups but we’ve battled through - on the outside things seem okay at the minute but I am so bloody miserable.

My kids are teens and from being very mummy reliant pre covid they are now finding their own feet which is amazing, but it’s shown the bloody huge gaps in my life.

i work crazy hard - out 6am to 7pm then work in the evenings (teacher). I do this because we need my income as hubby has his own business and I’ve always wanted to support him to fulfill his dreams. I also love my job.

hubby is NEVER there, he’s either tired or working or going to something that is important to him - I feel like bottom of his list. I historically did holidays with kids alone as he was too busy. He has finally booked a holiday this year for October but it is the first family holiday in years and those holidays have been two days not a week.

i managed with kids and work and it was all okay, but now my kids are older and want less mum time I have nothing other than a massively demanding job and a distant disinterested husband. I have no family as my mum died when I was the age my kids are now.

I’m not confident or out going, have awful self esteem and in part that’s probably why I’m in the situation I am in but yeah - ideas please on how to navigate this bit as I feel so low and so lonely and so worthless to all I love that yeah.

i just feel judged and unsupported by husband and I feel like it’s his life on his terms and no empathy for me no willingness to bend for my likes. I don’t think he even likes me.

Do your children know what their father is like OP.. I mean really know as in his lack of loving caring behaviour towards you? Do they know you have supported him to the point of being his almost slave?

The do know he is an idiot sometimes - he does have his strengths and does help massively around the house - largely as I am not there. I wouldn’t say I am his slave but I would say he is oblivious, lacks empathy and can be controlling in a way he would never admit.

im fed up. Can you tell lol?

"i just feel judged and unsupported by husband and I feel like it’s his life on his terms and no empathy for me no willingness to bend for my likes. I don’t think he even likes me."

You're not alone. Unfortunately lol

Do you have any ideas what change might look like on your end? What would you like there to be in your life?

It seems that you do take pride in your job, and you love it. And being a teacher is nice. You mentioned you have teens now, and they won't be teens forever, hopefully they will be there for you in the future.

Even if you were not confident or outgoing, and have awful self esteem that's no reason for you to be in a situation that is unpleasant. We all self-blame yet sometimes life can be hard and unfair. It's not your fault.

Thank you for taking the time to reply - your words are really kind.

I guess the change that is needed is that I find me - I feel I have no friends, no space for me, everything has been about doing what needs to be done to make everyone happy. I have no hobbies, nothing but work and home, and with the chn finding their wings (that is good news) and him being who he is, for my own sanity I need to find something new that makes me happy, so if he’s oblivious and disinterested and mean I don’t even have time to notice and if I do, it doesn’t matter so much.

The problem being, walking into a group of people I don’t know, I just don’t feel I have anything to give anyone or anything to talk about except my kids and job.

@goldenlillacs19 sorry not posted in ages - the other problem, besides the confidence and all that is the time - my job is so all encompassing that I wouldn’t know how to hit it in

Am I reading you correctly that you want to find a hobby/meet new people and stay with the husband?

You've done well to have raised your children along with your career, these achievements should make you proud. Do you wonder why your self esteem is so low?

Do you want to stay with him or split up ?

@CarPar

You're welcome, and thank you for sharing because it helps me process my own situation.

Yes, it's certainly hard having work and home at the same time, because it then feels like there's no time left for you. You don't have to do it all perfectly. As long as that energy is about your new you, rather than him, that's progress.

"I guess the change that is needed is that I find me - I feel I have no friends, no space for me, everything has been about doing what needs to be done to make everyone happy."

This is also me. Having tried, I realised that it's impossible to make everyone happy.

Well you do have things to offer with people who have similar/shared experiences. It helps them having someone to talk about this particular stage of life, because they might be going through similar things and have nobody to talk to.

That is interesting. And say there's something after work you find you enjoy (say, book club), then you don't need to perform because you talk about group's objective, i.e.; books.

Or whatever that interests you.

You try out something new, sometimes you like it, sometimes dislike it. At the same time you learn about who you are as an individual.

As time goes on, you talk about things that happen to other people, events, holidays. There are some people you get along well, some people you just don't click (that is ok!).

But it's not about you having to perform or give, because other people might give back, so things are easier.

You have two choices as I see it.

1. You split up and find someone that isn't controlling, lacks empathy and wants to spend his time with you

2. You stay with dh and make the best job you can with the life you have.

If you go for two, then why not tell him what you have told us. You are actively considering a separation because he makes no time for you - how does he feel about it? Does he want to step up? Maybe give him the chance to do so?

You also have the option of couples counselling
Start rediscovering your old hobbies and passions, meet new friends
Rekindle old friendships
Start getting involved with the community
Build friendships at work

Choose a few things and see where it takes you.

You also have the option of couples counselling

Couples counselling is not a good idea when one of the couple is abusive in any way. Being controlling is abusive, especially when he won't admit to it. He knows what he is doing.

I just don’t feel I have anything to give anyone or anything to talk about except my kids and job.

Ask other people about themselves, take it from there.

Are you peri menopause age ? I’m fed up with life often now, and I’m In that age bracket.

I could have written your post, except my DC are younger so I have their needs to consider. And I don't want to split up the family because I am bored, for their sakes.

Why would OP want to tell their children that she is their father's slave? Why is that the first thing you think of? You are making him sound like a monster.
OP I have similar feelings, when my first 2 started school (at 7) we had a second batch..Im terrified of empty nest bullshit, and I've said that to myself so many times recently - that I've got to find something for myself.
But unless you are sure that you won't feel the same way about him again, I would think about couples counseling before you leave such a long marriage.
Good luck, I hope you can talk him into sorting himself out. He's SO lazy and you work SO hard! But hes not a bastard or you wouldn't have stayed married so long.
Really no need to badmouth him to his kids.. not that any decent parent would

What are your financial options? Could you move to part time working? Could you at least discuss that with your husband? Even treating him as if he's a proper partner by involving him in a decision might cause him to shift attitude, or if he is indifferent or hostile, that tells you something about how much he cares.

If you have a bit more time - set a goal. Anything. I arranged to do the Yorkshire 3 Peaks one year with a walking group. Some of us were out doing training walks at least once a fortnight and usually weekly, for 9 months. I got to know lots of women in that group, got a lot fitter and saw some amazing areas locally that I'd never known existed. You don't have to be the big talker - you could be a listener; but I bet you'll find when you are with people who treat you as a human being, you have plenty to offer.

Hi. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I came on here tonight just to say almost exactly this. I am a teacher too. The job saps everything from me. 2 children. Husband is more supportive than yours by the sound of it but after 20years he still needs to be told what to do everyday. Today was my birthday and I just wanted someone to make me dinner for a change. Didn't happen. I am so busy and never physically alone but still feel so lonely and sad. I cant take another birthday like this. Sorry you are feeling like this. I just want to run away from it all.

If your children are teens
Why can't you take yourself off for a couple of hours to the gym, swim, college class, hobby, cafe atleast once a week to do something just for you ?

Try something, if you don't like it, try something else

903666...
Why didn't you book a restaurant or a takeaway
Or remind your family the week or day before

A bit of forward planning ?

Maybe start with some counselling for yourself. I know you say you never have a minute, but if you had to squeeze in an extra hour for your child to have therapy, you would find it wouldn’t you? Therapy can encompass a lot more than paying for a sympathetic ear to listen to your moans.
You are fast approaching the second half of your life; explore how you want that to pan out. it’s a really interesting time, take your time to find your way. You sound a bit lost.

The only person who can make the changes is YOU !

Not your DH
Not your children
Not your friends

Thanks for the support. I feel so much better.

I wonder if you can plan to reduce your hours/days? To free up time in the week for you?

take some small steps - join a new group?

then deal with a big stuff eg crap dh?

That would make me feel so sad too. That is lazy and thoughtless from your family. It could be a catalyst for change though. Articulate what you want and start doing stuff for you!

Are you peri menopause age ? I’m fed up with life often now, and I’m In that age bracket.

This applies to me too. I feel bored/little spark in life. I have young dc and plodding on trying to keep on an even keel for their sakes. Not saying this is happening to you op but I recognise certain bits of your post such as not feeling seen or validated. It's a sort of 'is this it?' kind of feeling I suppose but I'm uncertain what it is I'm looking for/looking to change as everything looks good on paper.

Not sure what to suggest op but I have entered therapy recently to try and unravel some of what I'm feeling. It just all feels a bit of a jumbled mess and I'm struggling to make sense of things.

I have articulated it many times. It improves for a week or 2 and then goes back to usual. I need to do things purely for me but I work long hours and feel guilty for not spending every available bit of free time with my children. I also can't find anything to do at suitable times. I have a disability which makes meeting new people really difficult. I don't actually want to do lots of exciting things. I would just like someone to take care of me for 1 day a year. Or care about me just 10% as much as I care about them.