I think I’ve accepted that my partner doesn’t love us

[ICMB]

Im 23, my partner is 42, unemployed with a bit of a dodgy past. He says I’m judgemental because I don’t want to raise our son around drugs and schizophrenic ex cons. He’s changed. He hasn’t touched me in 6 months. He doesn’t look at me the same way.
what upsets me is that he promised marriage and to find a job and to fix his sleep schedule and that was two years ago.
I was desperate (I have some mental issues, notably Asperger’s syndrome) and wanted to be loved. I thought he would change. Still hasn’t married me. Still wakes up at 2pm, doesn’t turn up to meetings, doesn’t answer the phone often.
He doesn’t come to see our son often even though he lives nearby and has no other commitments (except ogling other women apparently).
And yet I would die for him. There’s so much more context but my psychiatrists all say I should leave him. I would literally crumble without him. I can’t believe I let myself think he would be a good husband and father. Also, I’ve lent him hundreds of pounds. Feel terrible. Sorry this is so long. I’m torn as to whether I should leave and whether I could physically and mentally bear it.

@ICMB your psychiatrist is right in the nicest possible way I can say it leave him.

Agree he’s useless and not bringing anything positive to your life.. I would say hard as it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your son is leave him for a better life xo

Of course you should leave. You know this. What small thing can you do now to start the process?

I'm sorry OP but he won't change. The good bit in all of this is you haven't married him. Thank goodness for that.

You need to stop lending him money, end the relationship and protect your child from someone so toxic.

I have aspergers too and trust me, you won't crumble. Your single minded focus is an asset when it comes to single parenting. You will do a fabulous job on your own until you find someone lovely. xx

Build yourself some support from other caring people, then leave him.Does he love with you?

I meant does he live with you

Get rid of him. He’s a user and a waste of space. You deserve so much better, he’s a lot older than you and set in his ways you can’t expect him to change.
It’s not judgemental to have standards, tell him to fuck off.

Yes you should finish this. He is taking advantage of your vulnerability and he wont change. Your psychiatrist is right. Please leave - you wont crumble, your life will improve hugely

A few hundred pounds feels like a big deal now, but it’s nothing compared to splitting a lifetime of earnings with a workshy husband. So ket that money go, it’s not a reason to stay.
You are very young. You have plenty of time to date, find a man you live and who loves you back and who is able to have a mutually respectful relationship with you. So wasted time with this man is not a good reason to stay.
He is treating you badly and he is making you feel sad and anxious. There’s not even any physical relationship anymore. So this relationship is not good for you.
He is exposing your son to drugs and unsuitable friends. So being permanently in this environment is not good for your son either.
You don’t seem to be living with him at the moment, which makes leaving much easier in a practical sense.
Change is hard, but this would be a good change, and actually most of the change is your own mental interpretation of the situation, which is entirely in your control. Which is not a the same as easy.

If even one mental health professional has actually advised that you end a relationship, that is a very big deal. They don’t do that lightly.

age Disparity between adults can be no big deal, but in other cases, it means the older person is a predator. Certain types of men look to take advantage of young, vulnerable women. Someone who feels like she needs this man so much she will put up with being mistreated. Once you realize his real motivations and get angry instead of sad, it will be a lot easier to get rid of him.

He’s 42, people only change if they want to and he’s had 24 years of adult hood to change.

You know you should leave otherwise you'd not have posted here.

It's good you don't live together. Don't let him move in and don't give him any more money.

You will feel so much BETTER when you leave him. Honestly, trying to make someone love you, when they will not or cannot, is just awful. Of course you're depressed and upset. He is making you feel that way. Leave him.

Who in your life makes you feel good?

So you were a teenager when you met, and he's a druggie ex-con 20 years your senior, who got you pregnant... Look, lovey, I understand the fear of the unknown, and that you think you'll "crumble " without him, but actually I think you'll flourish.

He is exploiting your vulnerability and trying to make you agree to accept things which you know are not right. That is abusive behaviour towards you and your ds. Do you have any support? You are young and have every right to be loved, but he will not change and do so.

I know I should probably leave. I am aware of that. I only have 2 relatives in the uk and no friends. I have very little else except my mum. It’s to the point where I’m severely depressed. He’s threatened not to come see us today and is holding it against me because he knows I’d do anything for him. I’m weak.

OK. So be weak and remain in the weird limbo land he has put you in.

Alternatively allow yourself to believe you are worth much more than this. That you and your kids deserve more. Believe your therapist.

Take all the time you need, but make each day a day closer to the time you can close the door in his face and laugh! He may have caught you but he cannot keep you!

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t come to see you OP. He’s making you miserable so stop giving him that kind of power. Dump him and you will feel relieved at having that certainty back - you don’t have to want for for him to throw you the crumbs of a relationship. If he’s also flakey about visiting your son then don’t tell you son when he’s supposedly coming, wait around for half an hour after the agreed time and if he’s still not there go out with your son, even if it’s just a trip to the park or to do the shopping. Don’t wait around for him, get on with your day.

You are stronger than you think. And you've posted here, which is a good start. This man is bad for you. He doesn't love you. He controls you and lies to you and manipulates you. He doesn't respect you. Your mental health would be better without him around. He won't get better. He will likely get worse. Please don't waste another moment of your life on this awful man. You deserve so much better and so does your child.

You can do this. Keep talking on here. Can you talk to your Mum? Can she help you to stay away from him? This vile man is getting off on the fact you adore him and will do anything for him. He enjoys treating you badly and seeing how far he can push you. If you can't do this for yourself, look at your child. Do they deserve to have their head messed with by him? To feel like they don't matter, like they aren't enough? Because as they get older they will be more and more affected by him and his lack of care.

You are not weak. He has broken you to the point you believe that. The further away from him you get, the stronger you will be. You just have to make that first decision to leave him, and not to go back. It is without doubt the right thing to do. Your life, your MH, your child's life, will all be better without him in it.

I’m bawling my eyes out right now. It’s hard because I have pretty much nobody else in the world. My heart is broken. It’s to the point where I’m thinking of calling the crisis line. I’m sorry to everyone

OP I have read your opening post, can you please tell me what it is about him that you love?
Please try and make me and the others on here understand why you love him so much, and what is it about him that makes you so distressed at the thought of ending your relationship?
I think you will find it helpful to put this into words and consider logically your reply.

Do you think there could be an element of the sunk cost fallacy that's making you stick with this relationship because you have invested much of your time and money?

Whatever you decided to do you need to accept that this is who he is. He's not going to change.

Call the crisis team if you need to, that’s what it’s there for and they will have heard this story before in dozens of women over the years.

You have a child, you can use toddler groups, and other child activities to meet other parents, so you won't feel so alone
This man offers you and your child nothing, having him in your life causes you sadness, and your child will see this. For your child's sake, please get this waste of space out of your life.