Married Couple Finances

[SpexyBeast]

Couples what do you do with your finances?

Been married for 6 years. Problems been showing for a little while mostly down to money and different parenting approaches. (I have a teenager he is a step parent to)

Got to the point were I was having to explain every single transaction I made from the joint account even for little things like cleaning stuff and Christmas presents (under £25.00).

Had it before were we had our finances separate but ended up paying 50/50 for absolutely everything and it ended were I was left with absolutely nothing at the end of the month (work part time due to mental health and my child to pay for).

I dont feel I have any financial independence as I’m always worried about spending money from the joint account and if we have separate money I end up with nothing at the end of the month as 50/50 bills and a teenager costs me a lot.

Anyone help?

I would think he does not and has never made any such declarations re spending to you.

I would consider making plans to leave this relationship because you are being financially abused within it. Such men too are rarely only financially abusive towards their chosen target. Would you be willing to contact Womens Aid here?.

What is his income and what is yours?
Child maintenance and child benefit received?

It would sensible to pay in proportion to your income into the joint account.
Any child only expenses will need to come out out of the CM/CB which could be paid into your account

No he doesn't and I dont question them neither.

I get CB which I pay into the joint account pot. He states that as we both pay for roof over my child's head food etc everything should go in one pot.

I don't really get child support its very few and far between but when I do he takes half. I'm panicking about every transaction. He is extremely resentful towards my childs father who doesn't pay regular child support and hasn't done for nearly 14 years

this is a sensible answer, I don’t think it’s logical to jump to accusations of abuse!

Child benefit goes into my account. He retains the equivalent of child benefit from
his monthly pay and puts the rest into the joint account, with my pay. I’ve almost always been the main earner but we’ve always done it this way. All bills and purchases from joint account unless it’s a particularly extravagant personal purchase or gift for the other which is paid out our own account. DH never checks the joint account. I do check but only because DH has a habit of not cancelling subscriptions he meant to cancel and then gets charged for them so I sometimes have to remind him.

He takes half of the CM when you receive it??
Er... no thats for the benefit of your child.
Appreciate that he is 'paying' half of the bills for your child but you and your child came as a 'unit' of two when you first got together.
Again, what is your income and what is his?
If he earns x3 what you do and still takes an amount equivalent of the CB and half the CM, he's being a little off.
Does he realise that when he takes an amount equivalent of the CB for himself only, you don't get the same amount as the CB is for your child.
Tbf, i'm not particularly liking how your DH treats you and your child

Do you have separate pocket money accounts? It sounds like he's worried about money and it needs a conversation about trust and priorities.

We had issues with this in the past and now have have one central account for all income and household expenses and then a standing order sending to separate accounts for individual spending money. We both know the others feeling on how much money to spend on household stuff and have agreed to trust that purchases are needed and cost effective.

He seems to regard the child benefit for your son as his even though it goes into your account. Such men do not want to share anything.

How is he with you on a day to day basis?.

Are you still ending up with nothing at the end of the month too?

Sorry so I work part time although I am trying to get more hours and have been working overtime recently.

We did it once were we split the bills. It wasn't proportionate to income it was 50/50. But this led to arguments because firstly he earnt significantly more than me as his income was higher so after the 50/50 split of all bills I had significantly less than him and out of what I had left I also had my child to support.

So we moved everything into a joint account. Everything in one pot including the CB for my child. This is were we have ended up I get quizzed about transactions I'm not extravagant at all. I never draw cash out the cash machine to have a bit of cash on me. I find myself panicking if me or my child needs something because I know he is going to question what I have spent. He is extremely resentful as biological fathers child support is very few and far between but has been the same, inconsistent for the last 14 years.

I asked if we could do that everything in one account, everything out of one account and transfer a bit of 'spends' to our own individual accounts for spending he said no. He wants everything coming out of one account, he can see every transaction I make.

Not at the moment because everything is in one joint account but when we split 50/50 yes I ended up with nothing because I worked part time and with what disposable income I had left I have a child to support.

Why on earth are you with this "man"??

Are you married? I hope not. If some controlling asshole caused me to feel panicking and defensive about spending I'd be making serious plans to leave.

Do you do food shopping on your own, without him? Get cash back at the till and it will look like food shopping on the nan statement.

Then squirrel some away for a leaving fund.

*bank

Yes I'm married.

The more you write about him, the worst he sounds.

Why did you marry someone who clearly resents having to provide for your child?

He won't change

I couldn't live like that tbh.

So I'd either leave or refuse to engage in any questions about my spending

I'd set up my own account and transfer my half of the available spending money.

If he kicked off I'd tell him to leave.

He can and likely does spend what he likes. When was the last time you for instance went to get your hair done, see an optician, go to the dentist etc?. I would think he sees these types of people more often than you.

You and in turn your son are being ill treated by your husband, his stepfather respectively. And I would also think your son notices the disparity far more than you realise too.

I desperately need my hair cutting and so does my child but I get anxiety at booking us in at the cost. Because we have long hair it costs significantly more than his £8-£10 per week on his.

Get your hair cut op.

Stop allowing him to treat you like this.

What exactly are you afraid of?

Not afraid in a physical sense but he just moans and whinges about what I spend and its just exhausting.

Thought so re haircuts. He can and indeed does go and weekly to boot. Your son and you do not get those options. It’s likely the same re those other places I’ve mentioned too.

Get your hair cut and soon, do not let his whinges and moans prevent you from doing this. It’s self care after all. His whinges and moans are exhausting and designed to bring you down.

@SpexyBeast

He moans and whinges becayse it gets him the desired result.

You not spending.

So stop pandering to him.

Set up your own account and move your share of the money into it.

Or just spend your share as you like and do not engage in any whining.

Every time just say its my money I'm entitled to spend it, that's not going to change so stop moaning and then ignore him.

If I was you though I'd be making steps to leave