Staying after an affair.

[houseofcommons]

I know this thread will have a lot of mixed comments but I'm mostly looking for advice from anyone who has experienced this or similar.

8 months ago I found out my partner had an affair. The affair was already over (apparently) and I got conflicting stories from my partner and the OW. I didn't know who to believe and quite frankly didn't believe either of them was telling the whole truth. She said it was 4 months he said it was a month and only once physical contact the rest was phone/text. I mean probably bullshit.

I was set on leaving with our 2 children but needed to find somewhere first and within that time my partner grovelled enough to make me give him a second chance. He did everything to reassure me and answered any questions I had. Anytime I wanted to ask he was happy to oblige, he was constantly trying to rebuild the relationship and 8 months on is still doing so. He's very open with his phone etc although I don't look at it as the trauma was too much.

The OW harassed my partner for weeks after the end of the affair making account after account on social media as he blocked her from contacting him. She begged him to see her again one last time even though he had told her to never contact him again. He showed me if he ever got messages and even now if someone he doesn't know messages he will show me and explain so that I don't ever worry.

8 months on and the relationship is great, he is a fantastic partner and great father. He makes me feel loved and cherished and reassured. We are in a good place and i am happy with how it's going so far although I have told him it takes years to rebuilt a bond that was broken like that.

I just can't shake the sadness of it. He very rarely goes out to see friends but when he does I still feel a bit anxious. I think about the OW every day and the day I found out and the pain that I felt. As good as things are I just wish I could erase it from my brain. I don't know what I can do to let go of it. It's still very raw and early days I know but I just hate that I still think about it.

Has anyone been through this and has any advice? I don't want to leave after we have worked so hard to get to this point

Truthfully once trust is broken it can’t be fixed IMHO, I don’t think things can ever be the same, you will never forget that pain and for me it could never be healed, I hope it’s different for you

I think it's a sad situation and it is true what they say, you can never go back to the relationship you had before the affair. But, then again, that relationship did lead to a betrayal so there was problems in it in the first place.

I have experienced being cheated on briefly (in a short relationship) and have experienced.... not exactly an affair, but a sudden break up after decades together, followed by a relationship (with him and someone else) , followed by wanting to get back together. A temporary madness he called it. I used to be very clear that an affair, especially an extended one, was the absolute end of the relationship. And I think this can often be the case. However, I have done some reading on the cause of affairs and it is not as clear cut as I previously believed.

Do you think this was a situation that came about because of the wish to escape reality? or do you think it came about because the opportunity presented itself, and he pursued it without a second thought?

Did it end because he wanted to focus on the relationship with you?

I don't know what to tell you, it is a horrible feeling and I am sorry you are going through it. A lot of hurt and a lot of damage. I think it is a type of grief and can very well pass. But any big betrayal will leave the scar of the fracture, it's just a case of working out if the relationship can carry that.

I think it sounds like you are in a good place and are happy in the main. Just know that nothing is set in stone, relationships end every day. You don't have to know today what will happen, but maybe as long as you are happy spending today with your DH then that might be enough for now?

I think some couples survive this and some don't. Have you considered going to couples counseling together?

Hi.
Firstly I hope you're ok and looking after yourself.
In my opinion a betrayal of trust comes with the same emotions as grief.
You have to mourn your old relationship and realise that it will NEVER be the same.
You will never trust in the same way as before and you will never look at him in the same way as before.

I think you almost have to look at this as a new relationship, a new relationship that both of you have decided to rebuild.
As someone that has been in your shoes and am now years down the line I can honestly say that I still think of the OW. Not everyday now and I almost shock myself if a few days go past and I haven't thought of her.
My trust has improved but unfortunately will never be where it was.
My anxiety is still triggered by certain events or occasions.
It's something that you kind of have to live with if you're continuing the relationship.

I'd love to be able to say eventually everything goes back to normal, but to be honest for me it never did. I just had to find a new normal x

Once there are children involved it gets much more difficult.
otherwise I would say, why bother?
Imagine lying on a hospital operating theatre, about to potentially lose your life in an hour.. would you still give it a go, or not?
You get one chance to live.
It doesn’t have to be filled with anxiety because he did something. Personally I would get rid of him. You can always work it out later - if living separately for a year (for example) shows you anything, it will show you who he really is (so, my advice is split and make a timeframe like a year to see how you co-parent and how you really feel.).
It is absolutely not your job to fix this

Sounds like a brief affair and he is really trying to make your relationship work now. You have children so give him another chance

Thank you so much for your replies.

I hope this helps, but I do believe it was an escape. Our relationship was very strained as we had been through a traumatic experience in the family that year and although we got through it, it took a lot from us both mentally and we weren't nourishing our relationship at all at the time.
To be honest the relationship is the best it's ever been (5 years) and that's why I feel a bit bad for feeling like I do. We're very much in love and best friends again as we have had to work really hard to rebuilt the friendship as well as relationship.

I do believe it's true a relationship is never the same. I kind of don't mind that as it's better now than before the infidelity. Although I sometimes think was the pain worth it. I still feel like I made the right decision to stay.

I will look into the couples counselling. He has said he's happy to do whatever is needed to help the relationship so I will explore that. It's just really gutting to be in a really lovely place but have these awful intrusive thoughts

Thank you so much for this. Thank you for being honest as I know it's not easy going through this your comment has helped a lot.

All of them have helped a lot actually.. it's nice to finally say I'm bloody tired of thinking about it.

I discovered my husband has had an affair last October, he begged me not to leave him and that he only wanted to be with me. Said he had felt that I wasn't giving him enough attention. I worked so hard to make him feel loved and wanted and I thought we were the best we had been for years. Fast forward 6 months and I get a message off and woman tell

Telling me that she was seeing him. I hadn't seen it coming at all. Has trusted him but had never been able to forget. In the end it was almost a relief to find he has been upto it again as it stopped me worrying. That was it for me. I was done

I think it's a sad situation and it is true what they say, you can never go back to the relationship you had before the affair. But, then again, that relationship did lead to a betrayal so there was problems in it in the first place.

From upthread. Have you worked on what the problem was? Have you fixed it ?

Taking him back gave him permission to do it again, just to hide it better. He can't be trusted. Sorry, but you can't have a healthy relationship after an affair.

Yes what TraahPandas said is true for what happened to me

@silkandsteel83 💐 from me. Hope you are healing and moving on. Trust me there is better out there x

I speak from experience. I have cheated on boyfriends. I cheated on my ex husband (he also cheated on me). So I occupy no moral high ground. I am now with my second husband and and I would not dream of cheating on him. If somebody cheats it is not necessarily that they are a serial cheat. It is often simply because the relationship is not right. He did it because the relationship was not right. If it was he wouldn’t have done it.

@Ndd135632 I'm fine. My life is actually so much better now. I can see that there were lots of faults in the relationship that I wasn't aware of at the time. I'm excited for my future

@silkandsteel83 you deserve somebody who loves you and frankly who you love back. Often the reason people cheat is because the relationship was not good enough to avoid a head turn. I know this for sure. My relationship now is much too good for me to turn my head and fingers crossed vice versa. And as I said I have cheated in the past. The relationship was not good enough to stop me.

No one can advise you on here, really. It’s up to you. Anyone who says you can’t rebuild trust post affair are wrong. They mean ‘I couldn’t’. Which is fine, everyone’s different in themselves and circumstances. I’ve been married 20 years, 11 of which are post a fairly lengthy affair. The 2 years after were difficult to say the least. But for us it’s been worth it. I know another couple in exactly the same position and it’s worked for them also. I know others for whom divorce was the next step.
so all I’d say is take your time, you don’t need to commit to anything. A day, week, month at a time are fine, and if after 6 months you can’t do it, then don’t.
I wouldn’t want to go through those difficult years again, but I certainly wouldn’t want to not have what we have now either.

For me it never went away. My situation was something like yours, except that they'd been seeing each other for 3 years before I found out. Our children were 3 and 1 at the time and they were the main reason why I stayed . H grovelled, put on a great show of being a wonderful husband and father, and I caved in and stayed.

But it was never the same - that was over 20 years ago and I still get angry and upset to think of how they both lied to me ( she was my "friend" ). Even just reading a post like yours, I feel the same horrible feelings that I did 20 years ago.

I finally left him 15 years later , mainly because I felt those same feelings about a friendship he had with a work colleague . I didn't know for sure but he seemed to be evasive about how often he saw her, and I just wasn't prepared to live through the same things again.

I really wish I'd left when this first happened 20 years ago, the kids and I would have been fine. But I just didn't have the confidence then - and I worried that the kids would suffer from not having their dad around.

Take your time, maybe get some counselling, OP. But for some of us, all the time in the world isn't long enough to get that trust back. Good luck.

Trust is like a plate - once smashed is never going to be the same again.

Op I think the problem is life. You say it happened because you were ‘nourishing the relationship’ so his go to when times are hard are to go elsewhere.

My mum died in December, I am the main wage earner and works been really stressful, I have my dd going to uni next week and ds starting high school, my dad is making some god awful decisions that impacting every body, life is stressful. I know dp has taken a back seat this year. What he is doing is supporting me. Not seeking attention from other places. If he did that he would be gone because he isn’t the man I thought he was. The man I thought I was with wouldn’t exist, it would be front he was putting on.

Now he may never cheat again. But whenever you don’t have the mental capacity to nourish the relationship at every turn, you will wonder if he is seeking elsewhere.

Theres a thing called trauma bonding. Feeling like the relationship is better than ever, post affair isn’t unusual. It can be like that for a couple of years. Then everything calms down, day to day life sets in and people realise it’s not something they can get past. Because the cheater has shown who they are and how they deal with bad times. Maybe couples counselling will help you avoid that. If it’s really what you want.

But I don’t know how you ever believe they won’t do it again.

My friends got through this there still together 15 years later
there kids are adults massive house you could sell and it 2 both got good jobs in public service and presume pensions each
the one who had the affair said it was the biggest wake up call off there life

I really admire you - I couldn’t take somebody back after cheating . I did it once but the trust was shattered and I realized I could never trust him again. I’m glad it is working out for you

Hi OP. First of all, so sorry you’re going through this. I discovered my DH’s affair after it was over - with a work colleague. I would really recommend Shirley Glass’s book “Not Just Friends” - it’s helped both me and my husband navigate the process. It sounds as though your husband is doing the right things - couples counselling will definitely help. We’re in a similar position - our relationship was really suffering before the affair and now has never been stronger. I still have bad days though and working on the marriage definitely isn’t the easy option. I think it’ll be worth it in the long run though. Sending 💐 and please message me if you want to talk x

@houseofcommons I stayed and I truly am happy I did. I’m a good few years after Dday.

Firstly, discovering an affair is a trauma and as such takes time to heal. I’ve read countless estimates of 2-5 years (whether you stay or go) and I would agree with that. So 8 months in is still really early days.

I think of the aftermath as like an earthquake with the aftershocks hitting you unexpectedly and still feeling as powerful but slowly it dies down, but it does take time. Triggers will still be strong, try to identify them and have an open conversation with your partner. If you are taking the hits without speaking to him you’ll be rugsweeping.

If you have a truly remorseful partner, trust can be rebuilt. It isn’t blind and naive trust that you had before but you can trust (and in some ways I think that’s a good thing). Trust is rebuilt by constant and consistent acts from your partner that put your emotional, mental, physical and sexual safety first.

A couple of things leap out from your comments though this will slow your healing down. Firstly you can not have such huge question marks over the length and intensity of the affair. Your partner needs to give you the absolute truth. You are owed that. You cannot build trust knowing there is a possibility he is still lying to you about the fundamentals of the affair.

Also and this comes from a lot of reading be very careful not to blame the relationship for HIS cheating. Couples that do this often find cheating rears it’s head again when the next rocky patch happens or there are other outside issues that cause upset. He needs to really unpick his whys and his coping strategies. Being loving and kind to you for 8 months is not enough.

I don’t know if you’ve done any reading but I would suggest ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ or watching any videos on affair recovery.

Good luck.