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Original poster

Staying after an affair.

66 replies

houseofcommons · 04/09/2022 00:11

I know this thread will have a lot of mixed comments but I'm mostly looking for advice from anyone who has experienced this or similar.

8 months ago I found out my partner had an affair. The affair was already over (apparently) and I got conflicting stories from my partner and the OW. I didn't know who to believe and quite frankly didn't believe either of them was telling the whole truth. She said it was 4 months he said it was a month and only once physical contact the rest was phone/text. I mean probably bullshit.

I was set on leaving with our 2 children but needed to find somewhere first and within that time my partner grovelled enough to make me give him a second chance. He did everything to reassure me and answered any questions I had. Anytime I wanted to ask he was happy to oblige, he was constantly trying to rebuild the relationship and 8 months on is still doing so. He's very open with his phone etc although I don't look at it as the trauma was too much.

The OW harassed my partner for weeks after the end of the affair making account after account on social media as he blocked her from contacting him. She begged him to see her again one last time even though he had told her to never contact him again. He showed me if he ever got messages and even now if someone he doesn't know messages he will show me and explain so that I don't ever worry.

8 months on and the relationship is great, he is a fantastic partner and great father. He makes me feel loved and cherished and reassured. We are in a good place and i am happy with how it's going so far although I have told him it takes years to rebuilt a bond that was broken like that.

I just can't shake the sadness of it. He very rarely goes out to see friends but when he does I still feel a bit anxious. I think about the OW every day and the day I found out and the pain that I felt. As good as things are I just wish I could erase it from my brain. I don't know what I can do to let go of it. It's still very raw and early days I know but I just hate that I still think about it.

Has anyone been through this and has any advice? I don't want to leave after we have worked so hard to get to this point

OP posts:
Camesawconquered · 04/09/2022 07:30

Hi OP,

I have no advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say I could have written your post word for word as going through the same thing myself currently.

I know that in real life, most of my friend's opinions echo what's been written here re never being the same and being an idiot for staying with him, but I can see how the trauma affected him and I like to think that without it occurring, the looking elsewhere would never have happened as he's not (I thought!) that kind of person.

Our relationship was so good before that I owe it to us to give it a shot, but there's a lot of forgiving but not forgetting - so many things trigger the memories like places we drive through I know he went to with her.

I don't know what the answer is but I'm hoping that our relationship can be like Japanese Kintsugi where you rebuild with gold to make it different but still together...maybe a bit too much of a romantic notion but I'm trying to focus on the optimism of a future rather than the anxiety of the past few months which still eats me up.

layladomino · 04/09/2022 08:39

You say that he has done everything he can to rebuild things and to reassure you. You also say that you don't believe what he's told you about the affair, and think he's lied to you about it.

Both those statements can't be true.

It sounds like he's done lots of work to prove he loves you and wants to be with you. But while ever he's witholding information he is extending the betrayal. He needs to be honest, and answer the questions you've asked. You might then find that you feel better placed to move on. Or you might not like the truth, and decide you don't want to stay together.

ohyesiknowwhatyoumean · 04/09/2022 09:22

I've seen a marriage survive this and appear to be strong and supportive for another 25yrs.

However. It was my cousin (and good friend), his affair went on for over a year with a much younger work colleague, their dc were little, she was working hard yards yada. Same old. She threw him out and he realised he wanted her, she insisted HE went into therapy to work out why he'd done it, which I thought interesting - BEFORE she would engage in couples therapy.

They were married 40 +yrs - she died last yr, cancer and the common journey of coming to terms with the situation once all treatment avenues closed. He was wonderfully supportive and they clearly adored each other right to the end. She worried about how he would cope (older than her ironically) - but a few weeks before she died she confided in me that one of her worries was that SHE would come back into his life and "pounce".

It was always there in the background. She obviously made the decision that she could live with that, I couldn't tbh - and yet part of me really envied their relationship as the genuine love and support was wonderful.

Hillsidehigh · 04/09/2022 09:40

Following as I’m navigating this difficult road myself at the moment, an affair after over 20 years of marriage. I’ve not decided what to do yet as it’s too early, it’s so easy to say ‘end it’ but so difficult when you’re in that situation

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 04/09/2022 09:45

Can you say you are now getting on better than ever. Google hysterical bonding. It was a real eye-opener for me.

OldFan · 04/09/2022 09:50

So sorry you're going through this @houseofcommons . EMDR therapy can be great for trauma and its effects.

WatieKatie · 04/09/2022 11:02

I’m sorry that you are going through this OP. I can’t give you any advice sadly as I filed for divorce following the discovery of the affair and for me it was the absolute best decision. I couldn’t and wouldn’t live a life feeling angry, resentful or having the worry of whether he’ll do it again hanging over me. However lots of couples do make it past an affair.

One thing jumps out and that his insistence that they only slept together once. Men minimise. Always. Lots of affair posts on this forum over the years sadly and most of them include the famous words that it only happened once. For the OW to keep contacting him suggests to me that it was a lot more than your DH is claiming.

Please look after yourself and I wish you all the best.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 04/09/2022 11:53

What is he doing to address the issues that led to the affair? If nothing and he is just showing you his phone then there is a real risk he will do it again further down the line. My husband messaged other women and I stayed and eventually the pain eased but I never forgot and I never fully got over it but neither of us stuck out counselling and neither of is addressed it head on. Years of burying our head in the sand and we are now in a right mess after he has had another affair. Had we addressed issues the first time round and learnt to communicate better maybe we wouldn't be where we are now

Covvy · 04/09/2022 17:00

I’m in exactly the same boat after 22 years of marriage - it’s only been 8 months since disclosure and it feels worse than it did months ago - I’m shocked when I see how many people are going through this as it’s genuinely the worst thing I’ve ever experienced - good luck and keep strong

economicervix · 04/09/2022 17:32

What legal protections do you have in place? Being legally single, hopefully you’re not dependent on your proven liar of a boyfriend for housing or anything.

It’d make me want to puke even being near such a low quality male, I don’t value or care about liars, so I wouldn’t be up for having such a failure of a boyfriend, waiting for the next time (that you know of).

CornishGem1975 · 04/09/2022 17:47

8 months ago I found out my partner had an affair. The affair was already over (apparently) and I got conflicting stories from my partner and the OW. I didn't know who to believe and quite frankly didn't believe either of them was telling the whole truth. She said it was 4 months he said it was a month and only once physical contact the rest was phone/text. I mean probably bullshit

Personally? I'd believe the OW in this situation because your DH was trying to save his marriage and lessen the impact. Regardless, you may never know the whole truth and you have to make a decision to move forward knowing that.

The problem you have here is a lack of trust. Which is completely understandable. But without trust in a relationship, you have nothing.

Username3008 · 04/09/2022 22:36

I do firmly believe that it's possible for a cheat to never cheat again. People make mistakes in life, and sometimes life just happens and people end up falling into situations that they wouldn't normally. A lot of affairs take place at work for example because a few innocent jokes can turn into late night texting, can turn into after work drinks etc etc.

From what you've written, I'd say that the OW is telling the truth about the affair lasting 4 months, and that your husband is lying.

However, it also sounds like your husband has realised his mistake and is doing everything in his power to make you feel secure and safe with him.

The problem you have now is whether you can move past this. No one can really tell you what to do or how you feel. We all have different boundaries, and we all deal with problems in a different way. I mean, in the years to come, if he went to a friends party without you, would you trust him? If you had a falling out, would you be inclined to bring up the affair?

Personally, I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who had cheated on me, even if I could be 100% sure he would never cheat again. The trust is broken and I would be spending my life torturing myself by constantly thinking about how he betrayed me and had his hands on another woman. I don't think I would be able to move past the pain until I moved on from him.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's what's right for YOU. Your kids will want you to be happy and enjoy your life. Imagine one of your kids all grown up and their partner had cheated on them, would you want them to stay and make it work?

gonnabeok · 04/09/2022 22:42

Good luck OP, it's not easy to give them a second chance. I did, I stuck it for 8 months but just couldn't get what he'd done out of my Mind. It ate away at me little by little no matter how hard I tried. Nothing helped me so for my own peace of mind I ended it. I didn't want to be with someone who at the hint of any difficult challenges found the time to into the arms of another whether it was escapism or anything else. I wish you the very best I know what a big ask forgiveness and moving on is.

OldFan · 04/09/2022 23:41

Years of burying our head in the sand and we are now in a right mess after he has had another affair. Had we addressed issues the first time round and learnt to communicate better maybe we wouldn't be where we are now

@HappinesDependsOnYou Don't blame yourself- he is a serial adulterer. It's as simple as that. Unfortunately your happiness doesn't entirely depend on you, while you stay in a relationship with someone who's now done that at least twice. ❤

HappinesDependsOnYou · 05/09/2022 10:16

@OldFan thank you for your comments. I take no responsibility for the affair but I do take responsibility for not leaving sooner and for how our marriage was prior to the affair. Had I left sooner we wouldn't have our wonderful son so there are no regrets but I came from a place of unresolved childhood trauma as did he and it was a recipe for disaster. Had we gone through therapy then the ending may not have been as distressing as it was. I don't think now marriages can survive cheating fully. I suspect many people stay out of the unknown of being single but I would fully encourage therapy for any that do decide as it opened my eyes to reality

Maze76 · 05/09/2022 20:08

Why do women roll out ‘reasons’ to explain their husbands cheating? It truly amazes me, because let’s be real… they cheated because they wanted to!
NO , the trust is gone, and no, you will never ever know the full true length of the affair or whether he loved her, what he promised her. and yes it’s very likely he will cheat on you again.
im not saying this to be cruel, I’m m saying this as a woman whose husband cheated on her.. the fact that you posted on here to ask the question say’s a lot

IsJohnReadyToMakeAComeback · 05/09/2022 20:40

It can take years to get over being cheated on - even if you do leave them, so I can only imagine how long this pain and suffering could go on for when you choose to stay.

When you leave, life moves on, you eventually get a new partner and you heal. Staying means you have to re-live it every day. I can't ever imagine you will ever feel free of it.

That's the very reason I left.

Twawmyarse · 05/09/2022 20:40

It's just really gutting to be in a really lovely place but have these awful intrusive thoughts

Be honest with yourself here - you are "in a really lovely place" 8 scant months after finding out he was shagging another woman? Come on OP! You're burying your head in the sand you're so desperate to make it work.

Even you really do decide you want to stay with him (and it sounds to me like you're still in shock and haven't fully processed what he did yet and are just trying to keep your family together) it's madness to pretend your relationship is "in a really lovely place" after so short a time. You should absolutely hopping mad with him - I would be (although I wouldn't still be a relationship with the cheating scumbag).

Twawmyarse · 05/09/2022 20:44

IsJohnReadyToMakeAComeback · 05/09/2022 20:40

It can take years to get over being cheated on - even if you do leave them, so I can only imagine how long this pain and suffering could go on for when you choose to stay.

When you leave, life moves on, you eventually get a new partner and you heal. Staying means you have to re-live it every day. I can't ever imagine you will ever feel free of it.

That's the very reason I left.

This is so true. You never get over a betrayal of trust. IMO once you know you can't trust someone you never will again. You'll always be waiting for the next time/wondering where they are/who they're with. My ex was "talking" to women online (he claims he never met up with anyone) and I decided, after much grovelling from him to give it another go.

I could never forget it though and we struggled on for another few years before I got the courage to end things. I eats you up from the inside not being able to trust someone. I became very depressed, lost all confidence and started to really resent and hate him.

Life is too short to live like that.

HandlebarLadyTash · 04/04/2023 18:15

My DH had been facetiming a female work mate and they had been mastibating. This lasted about a year & took place about 4yrs ago. I found out 4 days ago. There were so many messages between them that I can't unsee.
I plan to stay.
He said he viewed it as porn & they still work together. I hope he dosent let me down.

I am all the things you would expect, upset, sad and angry, I am not a doormat & he will have to work hard to regain my trust.
We have talked so much and realised that we have stopped communicating as partners. I didn't realise his use of porn was as high as it was.

Sittwritt · 04/04/2023 23:03

It takes 2 full years to get out of the OCD pattern that’s brought in by trauma of the big reveal. But relationships can really work out and to be honest it sounds like he never had the intention of leaving you, ever. What he did was utterly stupid, we all have propensity to cheat, he got carried away thinking there is no way you will find out. You’ve made it clear you could up and leave. But your bind kept you together. You can both grow from this so much. Tough at the time, but experience will pave the way of how to negotiate difficult situations in years to come. And one can’t walk away from them all. Congratulations on your maturity in handling this. And enjoy him making this up to you for years to come. In fact forever. He should forever strive to be the best husband partner and friend as you gave him a chance of family when you simply did not have to.

Frogger8395 · 05/04/2023 00:25

Be honest with yourself here - you are "in a really lovely place" 8 scant months after finding out he was shagging another woman? Come on OP! You're burying your head in the sand you're so desperate to make it work.

I agree. Marriages are not made better by an affair.

economicervix · 05/04/2023 11:46

ZOMBIE THREAD

.

Sittwritt · 05/04/2023 12:25

Marriages are made better after an affair. Here is why

You can be resentful together or resentful divorced. If you choose happiness you can have it. But if you choose marriage after an affair you are both choosing teach other all over again, warts and all. So yes. What you don’t have is the naive version of both of you. Maturity and being able to address each other on equal footing is a total plus.

Sittwritt · 05/04/2023 12:26

A lot of people choose anger and think it can’t work but in or practice it can work rather well.