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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dreading seeing the mums at the school gate....

52 replies

Mgreen123 · 03/09/2022 21:46

Hi, a bit of background..... Have a child when child started school a group of mums friends formed which I was part of. We had some great nights out and meet ups with the children.
Over time one of the mums whom I was close to just ghosted me for no reason ( she has since apologized and confirmed no reason).
Another mum had a big party where I was the only one not invited and it felt as though it was hushed up (in my presence) in the group. I was quite upset, let them know my feelings were hurt and exited the WhatsApp group.
Since then I've ofcourse said hi but kept myself to myself (hate drama). I've seen on FB that they have all been out and about, had mini breaks etc. I don't know if this is because I see some of them separately, and them meeting up is never mentioned ( feels hush hush again) or I just feel sad that I'm no longer part of it. I'm not looking forward to the school run again as it makes me feel anxious. Any advice? X

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 03/09/2022 21:50

Hurts to be excluded. Not a lot you can do about it, you're there to drop your children of or pick them up. Would you really want to be part of a group that treated you so? Sounds like the sort of posting you read about children at school not their mothers.

MyNameIsNotMichele · 03/09/2022 21:50

My advice is to focus on the task that in hand, you are there to pick up your child.

Are you sure you don’t like drama? The WhatsApp bust up and flounce suggests otherwise.

Umbongoberyl · 03/09/2022 21:53

Well it sucks but sometimes you’re not invited to everything. Groups chop & change, people get missed, people assume others are on holiday.

Also in the kindest way sometimes it’s just not about you - the 6 weeks just fly by & with work & the best intentions, I have seen no one from school.

Id try your best to be civil, smile & wave, stick to the people that invite you places & think of school mums as colleagues.

Facecream · 03/09/2022 21:54

@MyNameIsNotMichele
That seems a bit unfair- she left because she felt uncomfortable and excluded- it’s not flouncing like in AIBU when no-one agrees with you..
Anyway, OP I’m not a mums at the school gate person because my DD is disabled and goes by taxi and I’m glad not to be, because I’d never fit in.
It’s sad that one person has done this to you but.. indeed focus on the job on hand and say hi and chat if they start and ignore the rest of it

Jewel7 · 03/09/2022 21:58

I wonder if your not the only one excluded. It would hurt though. Can you befriend some mums and involve yourself. Plan some play dates. Or organise a night out. The mum that ghosted you sounds awful why would you do that! If that’s not possible It may sound extreme but would you be tempted to look at friendlier schools where the children/parents are involved more? Sometimes a fresh start can help.

jesusjoan · 03/09/2022 22:02

Exclusion is a form of bullying and I bet that's what these women were at school. See it as a positive - you don't need people like that in your life.

Original poster
Mgreen123 · 03/09/2022 22:05

Thanks for the message, I think it's probably just getting Monday out of the way and it will be fine x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mgreen123 · 03/09/2022 22:09

MyNameIsNotMichele sorry I have came across like that. I sent one WhatsApp message (definitely wasn't rude) and exited the group as I was quite hurt. I certainly wasn't mean to anyone and bad mouthing them.

OP posts:
Silvercurtains · 03/09/2022 22:17

Silence them all on social media so you don’t need to see about their meet ups. No point in feeling more hurt than you need to be. I’d remain polite but distant from them all in the future.
I don’t believe there was no reason for ghosting you, they clearly just don’t want to get into a big argument about it and that’s fine. Friendships are fluid and frequently change over time.

Tappedout · 03/09/2022 22:41

@silvercurtains thanks for the advice I have just unfollowed them on social media.
I really can't think of a reason...... I haven't the foggiest I've went over every little detail and still haven to a clue. But I guess I shall never know!

Tappedout · 03/09/2022 22:44

Thanks everyone for your messages xxx

itsgettingweird · 03/09/2022 22:48

I've seen this so many times over the years.

Normally the dynamics eventually change.

Parents start seeing some of the group separately - as you are - and proper personal friendships form rather than this group dynamic where everyone feels involved and left out of not.

But often the group dynamic isn't a proper friendship. It's just a group.

Focus on developing those friendships you have and making something of those.

Then you'll probably be glad to not need that group dynamic and the politics that go with it Grin

Silvercurtains · 03/09/2022 22:53

Often there isn’t one thing and it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong either. Sometimes people just realise they don’t feel as connected to you as others. I remember being ghosted by a very close friend years ago and I was so hurt. It’s rubbish but you’ll move on.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 03/09/2022 22:56

I think get Monday over with. Plaster a smile on and say a brief hi to them.

stop viewing the social media if you can because it’ll probably just make you feel sad and left out.

focus on building some friendships with other, more positive, people in your life.

flatflips · 03/09/2022 23:02

Most school gate mummys at our school
have absolutely nothing going on in their lives save for bitching about each other at the gate, criticising schools ( but wouldn't DREAM 💭 f home schooling as their gym and coffee schedules would be awry) and are generally gossipy bores whose only adult interactions each day revolve around other school gate mummys.

They are normally done up to the nines in pretty sundresses, full make up and heels or gym gear .. sweaty Betty being the favourite for basic wear...

They are kept women ,in my experience,with fuck all else going on and some , not many, live their lives vicariously through their children's achievements .
Many of their husbands are working away , plenty with mistresses.
But that's just our school...

You really are well out of that toxic mess.

You do you.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 03/09/2022 23:05

Sunglasses.. Help you avoid making /avoiding eye contact. Great to hide behind ime!

londonlass71 · 03/09/2022 23:07

They weren't your friends OP. I'm sorry to say. And really, would you have wanted to be on the breaks away with them? Sounds tedious at best. Honestly school gates is literally pick up and drop off, a smile and a wave. Just crack on doing your own thing. There's a reason the mums at the school gate get a bad rap.

Upwiththelark76 · 03/09/2022 23:14

Quite frankly they sound awful . Everything we teach our children not to be like . Are there other mums you could socialise with?

Tappedout · 04/09/2022 16:11

Thanks everyone I think my mind was doing overtime last night! Really useful advice thank you xx

ShandaLear · 04/09/2022 16:28

Primary school relationships chop and change all the time and can depend largely on things outside your control - and often based on their children - who is in the same class, who is friends with whom, parents of girls v parents of boys, who does the same hobby, and that can change from week to week, month to month, and year to year. It’s a minefield and it pretty much disintegrates once they hit secondary school and everyone goes and gets a job anyway. I know it must seem huge now, but it won’t soon. The only piece of advice I can give you is to show up, look great, and smile and wave. Just brazen it out. In most cases school gate friends are just the B team of friends, not the A team.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 04/09/2022 16:58

I wouldn't think too deeply on this op.

There maybe reasons but that doesn't actually mean you could have done anything to change their minds. Perception isn't fact. Their perception won't always be yours ect.

It's ok for people to dislike you, it doesn't actually speak to you as a person.

Easier said than done. The school gates get a this type of reputation for a reason.

Some people like to exclude others to feel better about themselves. Personally I have always thought it's a rather cowardly way out. If you don't like someone, you just politely say you would rather not. Like dating- don't like a guy - say thanks but no thanks. That's just my opinion thought and I don't see why people can't do that with friends tbh.

It might seem harsh at the time but at least you aren't letting people guess what they did wrong (and it might be that they didn't do anything wrong, your just not their type of person).

berksandbeyond · 04/09/2022 17:12

flatflips · 03/09/2022 23:02

Most school gate mummys at our school
have absolutely nothing going on in their lives save for bitching about each other at the gate, criticising schools ( but wouldn't DREAM 💭 f home schooling as their gym and coffee schedules would be awry) and are generally gossipy bores whose only adult interactions each day revolve around other school gate mummys.

They are normally done up to the nines in pretty sundresses, full make up and heels or gym gear .. sweaty Betty being the favourite for basic wear...

They are kept women ,in my experience,with fuck all else going on and some , not many, live their lives vicariously through their children's achievements .
Many of their husbands are working away , plenty with mistresses.
But that's just our school...

You really are well out of that toxic mess.

You do you.

What kind of weird school is this 🤣

clarepetal · 04/09/2022 17:15

BigFatLiar · 03/09/2022 21:50

Hurts to be excluded. Not a lot you can do about it, you're there to drop your children of or pick them up. Would you really want to be part of a group that treated you so? Sounds like the sort of posting you read about children at school not their mothers.

Exactly this. Rise above it and you will find your own tribe. X

Notplayingball · 04/09/2022 17:19

They are c*nts, just leave them to it. They have done you a massive favour. If you see them, just say a passing hello and get on with your day.

Comedycook · 04/09/2022 17:23

The school mums were vile to me...my DH said to me that most people are absolute cowards. It's so true. They are petrified of being ostracized so they continue to kiss arse and go along with the group behaviour no matter how bad it is. It's pathetic when you think about it.