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Original poster

Should I end it?

51 replies

CuteBabyFarts · 03/09/2022 21:19

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years and 5 months. We have 2 children together (yes I know it was very soon). We don’t live together or are working towards any plans to. He sees the children twice a week and pays £70 a month towards them.

I feel INCREDIBLY resentful of the fact he gets so much freedom and I don’t. I feel like ending the relationship, becoming a single parent (i pretty much am already), and claiming child maintenance (calculator said I am eligible for £70 a week, not a month)

Is a relationship like this worth trying to maintain or am I being taken for a ride?

We have nice times when we are together. We don’t tend to do too much, mainly watching Netflix on the sofa. He hasn’t had the children overnight on his own at his yet. (We have a 7 week old, 20 month old and I have a 7 year old)

This week he hasn’t seen the children since Tuesday. He worked 3 12 hr shifts and went out to the pub last night (without telling me). I’m on maternity leave so I’m doing all of the childcare, but when I worked 35 hours a week until the start of my maternity leave, I did all of the childcare too.

I really just feel like giving up and to just choose to become an official single parent. It wouldn’t make much difference to my life except I won’t have anyone to text every day and make me dinner sometimes.

I would just like someone else’s opinion of this set up as I don’t have anyone to talk to about it in real life. He’s a nice enough person but after 2 and a half years shouldn’t we be working towards living together and should he be expected to see his children for more than twice a week? I know I pretty much set myself up for failure from the start but all my relationships have been rather shit anyway.

Thanks for reading.

(I reckon this thread will be rather outting if someone I know reads it but I’m not sure I care anymore with hiding how I feel.)

OP posts:
Musti · 03/09/2022 23:05

He sounds like an absolute selfish waste of space op

Boreded · 03/09/2022 23:08

This reply has been deleted

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blockpavingismynightmare · 03/09/2022 23:11

So he sees OP for two nights. Where is he for the other five?

HeythereDelilah101 · 03/09/2022 23:11

I feel for you. I was in a similar position. I had only been with my boyfriend for a few months when I fell pregnant, he said he would live together and be a family, but it just didn’t happen… he did much like your bf is doing, went back to his and did his own thing, came to see me a bit in the week… I thought when the baby was born he would want to live with us and be a family, but he didn’t, he also left me in the first 2 weeks of having the baby and I remember crying all night. When our baby was about 5 months, I snapped, told him enough was enough and either man up or go. He moved in then, and hasn’t left since. He’s actually never let me down since, been the father and partner he always should have been, and often apologises for how he treated me. He knows he was wrong, but he really has changed and is always here for us now and we are due another baby soon.

i don’t know if your boyfriend will do the same, but all I know is if he wants to, he will. If he doesn’t; then yes leave him, you can do better.

mummywoken · 03/09/2022 23:14

you both clearly lacked communication, people would much rather patch up a friendship than have to work on a relationship that at some stage even meant everything and even more. apparently.

londonlass71 · 03/09/2022 23:14

Are you guys even still together really? Sounds like you aren't. I feel like yes, you'd be better off with 70 a week and single.

Original poster
CuteBabyFarts · 03/09/2022 23:19

If he has two days off together, he’ll often stay overnight and leave the next night around 9pm. What pisses me off is that he doesn’t arrive until the afternoon on the first day despite me knowing he’s started work at 6 in the morning on his other days so he’s fully capable of waking up early. He’s definitely not married or living with anyone. I thought maybe I was giving him a hard time expecting him to be around to help out more often but it looks like a unanimous verdict that IANBU.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 03/09/2022 23:21

He’s not “helping you out” he is their father, none of this explains why the kids never go to his house? Do you go there?

Amybelle88 · 03/09/2022 23:21

Wow. What an absolute waster he is.

Get your ducks in a row, get rid of him and chase him for the right monetary compensation.

I guarantee if you stop taking the 'Netflix' off the table he will show himself for who he is even more and won't bother seeing the kids at all.

Deadbeat.

SpinningFloppa · 03/09/2022 23:22

Why doesn’t he take the kids there when he’s not working to give you a break?

Dotcheck · 03/09/2022 23:29

It doesn’t matter that he has a two bedroom house, or it needs work.
He could rent it out. In the last two years he could have prioritised making the house saleable. He could give you more money. He could be more involved. He has loads of options here, he just isn’t taking them.

He is selfish and and absolute piss taker. The only thing unique about this is how extreme his selfishness is

Original poster
CuteBabyFarts · 03/09/2022 23:29

We used to stay at his house but it hasn’t happened in a while. I told him if he doesn’t buy a cot for his place for his older child by the time the new one was born that I’d break up with him. He bought the cot but hasn’t used it. He’s voluntarily said a few times that he’ll have the older one over to give me a break (can’t with the new one as I’m breastfeeding), but nothing has happened.

I feel like giving him an ultimatum like a previous poster mentioned (move in with me or we break up), but I don’t see how that will work. He has sleep apnea and snores like a motorbike so we can’t share a room. He went to the doctors for this and had a cpap machine. I haven’t slept next to him for a long time as I coslept with the 20
month old and now am doing so with the 7 week old. I was going to buy a sofa bed for downstairs but I’d need a leather one as the children have ruined my fabric sofa and the only one I came across was £1500 in DFS and I didn’t like it. He said he’d stay over more if I get a sofa bed as he currently sleeps on the sofa and doesn’t sleep very well as he doesn’t fit on it.

OP posts:
IceCreamSurprise · 03/09/2022 23:34

If you were single, you would be free to meet someone else a bit better and you would probably get more than £70 a month from the CMS.

He has it made, doesn't he? Sex on tap, no obligations, 2 children that barely cost him anything and free wraparound childcare!

Original poster
CuteBabyFarts · 03/09/2022 23:44

I started setting up a child maintenance claim when we broke up when the baby was a week or so old but didn’t go through with it and she hadn’t been registered at the time. I blocked his number and all social media but then he emailed me. Reading back the email, the only thing he mentioned about the future was that ‘he does see a future with me’, in reply to me saying it looks like we don’t. No solid plan there. I mentioned the relationship was stale as we had nothing to talk about, and then he goes on about not having sex being the reason (I was 15 days postpartum so we broke up when she was 2 weeks old not 1 week as previously stated). We only have sex once a week so I didn’t think that that was the only reason he came round but it could well be a factor reading some replies here.

At least I know now that 2 and a half years is a good amount of time to give to a relationship before giving up. I don’t mind being a single parent again.

OP posts:
Successgirl2022 · 04/09/2022 00:08

How did he decide he would ONLY give you £70 a month?

How much does he earn a month and how much does he pay monthly for his mortgage?

Original poster
CuteBabyFarts · 04/09/2022 00:19

I worked out what my food costs were for the first child a month (back when she was a few months old) and halved it. So it hasn’t factored in price rises and the fact we have a second child. If I need stuff he’ll buy it but as he’s not round very often it doesn’t happen very often. He hasn’t offered any more money since the new baby was born. I mentioned that my expenditure has increased recently so I will asking for a higher contribution and he said ‘yes I was expecting that’. But he hasn’t offered anything knowing full well we’ve had another child and prices have increased for everything.

im not sure what he earns a month but I have a feeling it’s around the 1800-2000
mark and his mortgage was £360 odd but has increased with interest rises, so perhaps around 400 maybe? He doesn’t talk about finances a lot other than to tell me how broke he is all the time. I asked him once to tell me his outgoings and he became irritated so I’ve avoided that topic. I know his car costs about £120-200 I think? And he has some debts to pay off. I really don’t know all that much about it.

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 04/09/2022 00:20

I divorced my children's father while pregnant. His mental health was not compatible with a stable family life so I packed his bags and put him out. We remained friendly as I wanted co-parenting, but he never takes the kids overnight, unless I happen to be going away for the weekend. When they were infants or primary school age, he never took them overnight. He refuses to have them in his flat now overnight. He has a key to my house, and comes and goes whenever he likes. I do that for their benefit so they have an unrestricted relationship with their Dad. He sees his kids most days, and I cook him dinner sometimes. He pays me £450 per month in maintenance, and always has. I don't need his money as well off financially, but he insists it is money for his kids and their costs. He is right, and your partner is a cheapskate. He is not just depriving you of a single life, and the opportunity to meet someone more committed. He deprives his children of life resources by failing to financially provide for them, and making you work harder to fill the gaps in the household budget. He is a miser, and keeps you sweet to keep his bills down. If he had any natural paternal instinct, he would want them to have money, and would want them to stay with him by arrangement. He is a user and you should think about your future. You and your children deserve a better life.

PlentyOFool · 04/09/2022 01:04

I don't get it, is this really a question? 70 quid a month for two kids? C'mon now.

You know and we know and he knows he's taking the piss. Sack him off, get what your kids deserve.

Cats23 · 04/09/2022 01:13

Being completely honest- You are a complete mug & it was silly to have another child with him.

I would've broken up with him a v.long time ago.
You need to put in the CMS claim Asap.

OldFan · 04/09/2022 01:37

He sounds manipulative, promising to be around more if you do X, Y, Z and going on about sex.

And the money is ludicrous @CuteBabyFarts

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 04/09/2022 01:44

My father paid my mother £350 a month maintenance in 1999 for two school age children. This guy is taking the absolute piss.

SpinningFloppa · 04/09/2022 01:53

He might have other women, he only sees you 2 days of a week, who knows what he’s up to on the other 5

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 04/09/2022 02:26

blockpavingismynightmare · 03/09/2022 22:41

She said he sees her twice a week for Netflix

And chill?

VeridicalVagabond · 04/09/2022 02:41

If I'm reading this correctly you got pregnant with your first roughly a month-two months into your relationship?

I don't think you're actually in a relationship sweet. I think you're his FWB who has just unfortunately had two of his children. This is ridiculous and completely bizarre. If the first baby didn't make him step up and into a responsible parent role (a lot to ask of essentially a stranger, to be honest), you can't seriously have expected a second to do the trick?

I think you need to end this, whatever it is. He clearly doesn't have any interest in actually being a parent to these children, so you now need to put what's best for them at the forefront of your decision making.

HeythereDelilah101 · 04/09/2022 08:38

Ok so the more you say, it really isn’t going to work is it. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t going to work either. I think you owe it to yourself to break this off now, tell him he’s got to sort his place to have the older child overnight, and take the little one during the day time a bit, even if for a couple hours. Then tell him you will be going through cms for maintenance from now on. He’s not exactly contributing anything to your relationship, I don’t think you will miss him.

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