I'm trying not to be needy

[Flowerytoe]

I don't want to be needy.
I'm not sure if I am.
My husband has two nights a week seeing friends.
I feel like I have to match this so that I'm not resentful of the child free time he gets. So I go to the gym two evenings a week.
He also tends to go out on a Sat night which is arranged last minute. He always asks me if he can go. So we are often left with 2 evenings per week together.

I feel really hurt when he goes out at the weekend as I feel like he's rejecting me and because it's arranged late in the day I haven't had time to work out what I'm going to do.

I don't feel like I can say anything because since he doesn't want to spend time with me if I share my feelings with him about it it isn't going to change that. He might feel obliged to change his behaviour but I only want him to spend time with me if he wants to.

I'm trying hard to view the time that he's out as some time to myself...something good for me. But I struggle to get past the feelings of hurt.

I want to be more self sufficient.

Two nights a week seeing friends sounds like quite a lot of socialising to me, are they doing a hobby or something? How much is he spending on this (compared to your gym membership, say).

Anyway, given the Saturday nights are arranged last minute, why don't you get in there first? If getting a babysitter would be tricky, why not suggest dinner and a movie at home, and actually just say "it gets lonely for me when you're out every Saturday night"? (And indeed given he does ask if it's okay to go out, why don't you say on some occasions 'I'd rather we did something together'?)

There seems to be an awful lot that isn't being said. You view him going out as a rejection of you, but he might see it as 'we didn't have any plans anyway so why not'. Nothing to do with you at all.

Where have you got the idea from that you're being too needy? It doesn't seem like it's from anything he's said?

It does seem like a lot but one of those nights he used to use to see his mum but his mum died. Seeing family one night a week and friends one night a weeks seems more acceptable doesnt it? But really I don't think it makes a difference. Money wise im fine with it. They aren't out drinking they just go for a takeaway and a chill. It's two sets of friends.

Yes I absolutely should get in there myself more. But I struggle with planning stuff. I need to work on that.

I'm not sure where I got the idea about being needy from...defo not him.

Its not being needy to want to spend some time with your partner!

You're not needy, that's not the problem here. The problem is that he doesn't want to spend time with you. Why do you think that? Has he said that to you? Or just a feeling you're getting because you rarely see him?

You need to talk and actually tell him how you feel.

If someone is needy in a relationship it is either because something happened in a previous relationship that scarred you and you think it will happen again because there is something wrong with you or because the present relationship is not working.
When one partner disengages from a relationship it can make the other partner needy and they know they are doing it which is cruel

Thanks for all your replies, they really help me process things. 💐

@Username3008
He hasn't said anything it's the way he acts. I feel like I can't compete with him seeing his friends of course it's going to be more enjoyable than spending time with a boisterous 2 year old and a sensitive 6 year old.

@blockpavingismynightmare
It's not to do with my previous relationships. (Although it could be daddy issues! )

I don't even think I'm acting needy, I just feel needy.

I do have a lot of friends but not enough to see them everytime I'm not with him. I really struggle to be motivated to do stuff with the kids without having a set time to meet up with other people.

I think I'm jealous that he seems to be able to see friends literally whenever he wants. I don't have that I have to arrange stuff with them days or weeks in advance.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow I really struggle to be open with my feelings at it makes me feel so vulnerable. I also feel like my reaction to him going out is largely my issues rather than his so that makes me not want to tell him. I want him to spend time with me because he wants to not because I'm upset if he doesn't.

I think two nights a week each is a little excessive - possibly one each might be more appropriate.

The last minute weekend thing though is a no-no other than perhaps as a one off. A PP suggested getting in first and organising Saturday night stuff even if it is just a delivery and Netflix - that sets a bit of a challenge - if he persists despite prior arrangements with you then that is a red flag

The last bit sounds like he hasn't accepted responsibility for family life and, worse for you, value your relationship enough

So actually it's three nights a week? If you did the same you'd only ever see each other one night a week. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel like you're a priority, it isn't needy. He's not young free and single now, he's got a family to consider and when his mum was alive he didn't see both sets of friends during the week and still managed. He's being very unfair IMO.

What I'm confused about is:

• why don't you go see his family with him? Do they not want to see your kids and you?
• are the friends only his friends - can't they just come around to yours every now and again?

It sounds like you don't have friends in common, and like you don't have friends. I think that's not very usual in most cases.

I think you'd feel better if you tried to make some friends locally, but also if your partner included you in some of his socialising.

he wants to be sociable so why not suggest things for a sat? Invite people for dinner? Get a babysitter and both go out - at least once a month. Go to a film/gig/play? Go out yourself with friends? I don’t think he’s doing anything too bad as I guess he stays in on a Friday and sun pm?

why don't you go see his family with him?
It was his mum who he used to see, she died. He used to alternate between going to see her with the eldest and she coming over here. He doeysnt have any other family.

It sounds like you don't have friends in common, and like you don't have friends. I think that's not very usual in most cases.

I do have friends but they prioritise their family! I have included him with my friends. He hasn't with his.

Why don’t you do what I used to do when the kids were little which was to go out with other parent friends and kids to the local restaurant or have friends and kids over for a takeaway and drinks at our house or their houses.

That way we all got to socialise without needing babysitters and the kids enjoyed playing with each other.

Also have your own couples takeaway and movie night or games night or learn something new together?

There isn’t any need for you both to do so many things separately.

@Newgirls yeah I don't think he's doing anything too bad, and that's why I'm so hesitant to share my feelings with him. I'm trying to take ownership of my feelings rather than saying it's because of him and he needs to change.

And him going out last night I feel like I can't complain about as last week we went on a family holiday together and next weekend we are going away as a family too.

There isn’t any need for you both to do so many things separately.

I agree.

Honestly I think he doesn't like me. This is so sad for me to write. I need to pull myself together for the sake of the kids for today.

I think it's the Saturday night one that would upset me. That's always been 'date night' for me.. a chance to go to the cinema or have a meal out.. or just watch a movie at home with a takeaway. I don't think you're being needy at all. He seems to just want to be out the house..

Those people who are suggesting you organise all these things together aren't really getting it, I think. It sounds to me like you have a sense that he's disengaging, which sounds possible. If he really made you feel valued and wanted I don't think you'd be bothered about the nights out so much.

It's soul destroying being in a relationship with someone who's detached from you. Give yourself time to work out if that's really what's going on. It's all very well trying to get the other person to be more involved as a couple and in family life but it makes you feel very lonely if you're the only one making that effort.

I think as long as you say you don’t mind the Saturdays sometimes, it’s equally as ok to say you’d prefer him to stay at home sometimes too. Set the seeds early in the day,
”I’m really looking forward to snuggling up tonight together on the sofa. What do you fancy watching tonight?”
If he says about going out later , then
”oh no, I was really looking forward to us having a bit of us time tonight” Can you give it a miss tonight?

Thats not needy. Some sats yes, some no.

And if you really feel he is disengaging, then an honest conversation wouldn’t be wrong either. Don’t accuse. Just express that you are beginning to feel a bit hurt that he’s choosing to be out so often. Is he happy in the relationship etc. Then say that actually whilst you don’t mind him going out, perhaps you both need to make a bit more effort to be together more.

I’m the least needy person when it comes to relationships and when young was a bit like your DH and will admit I was incredibly selfish. But this was just dating and no children. I’m a woman and it’s quiet unusual for women to put themselves first.

Three nights out a week when you have children is rubbish op, you are not remotely needy. He sounds like one of those blokes that likes to pretend he is still single even if it’s just all in his own head.

You need to sit down and have a proper discussion with him.

I think you're confusing 'being needy' with 'having needs'.

Having needs is something that everybody does. Everybody, without fail.

Being needy is a subjective view by someone who doesn't respect the needs that you have. So, a person might need to be with their partner every night of the week. That's them 'having needs'. If they are with a partner who also wants to spend every night of the week together, then those needs are respected without question. If they are with a partner who wants to spend almost every night together, compromises can be reached, where the needs of both can be respected. If they are with a partner who wants to spend 1 night a week together, then they will be viewed as 'needy', feel crap about it, and blame themselves.

The problem is your partnership with yourself. You are looking at your needs and discounting them because they are 'too much', when, in fact, there is no 'right' level, so your individual level can't be too high or too low.

Does your husband care about you being happy? Do the two of you have conversations about what you each need, and reach agreements and compromises in order to respect each others needs? What happens normally when you need or want something that he hasn't noticed you need or want? Do you say so, or just silence yourself, usually?

Thanks so much @Watchkeys

I'd say that's definitely an issue, that he's unwilling to include you in the meet ups with friends.

But even if prioritizing family you could still see a friend once a week or so?

He needs to be more considerate of you and 3 nights each doing separate things definitely doesn't leave a lot of quality time. Just tell him how you feel.

I feel like I have to match this so that I'm not resentful of the child free time he gets
this is a very odd stance op

How old are your children? Do you work?