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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm trying not to be needy

38 replies

Flowerytoe · 03/09/2022 19:11

I don't want to be needy.
I'm not sure if I am.
My husband has two nights a week seeing friends.
I feel like I have to match this so that I'm not resentful of the child free time he gets. So I go to the gym two evenings a week.
He also tends to go out on a Sat night which is arranged last minute. He always asks me if he can go. So we are often left with 2 evenings per week together.

I feel really hurt when he goes out at the weekend as I feel like he's rejecting me and because it's arranged late in the day I haven't had time to work out what I'm going to do.

I don't feel like I can say anything because since he doesn't want to spend time with me if I share my feelings with him about it it isn't going to change that. He might feel obliged to change his behaviour but I only want him to spend time with me if he wants to.

I'm trying hard to view the time that he's out as some time to myself...something good for me. But I struggle to get past the feelings of hurt.

I want to be more self sufficient.

OP posts:
Swimmingpoolsally · 04/09/2022 11:41

I'd say that's definitely an issue, that he's unwilling to include you in the meet ups with friends

only if it’s is couple meet ups. There is nothing worse than a boys/girls night out and your partner tagging along.

Russell19 · 04/09/2022 11:43

I actually can't believe some of the replies on here! I already knew where it was going when I read you have 2 nights out to 'match' his. Very childish. If you want to see him that much then could you give up your gym? Marriage is not a competition. You have Friday night and Sunday too together!

I really think you do need to be more self sufficient. I'm an only child so very used to my own time though My husband has 2 hobbies and is out probably 3 nights and then Sunday mornings. Not an issue to me at all, I can watch TV in peace then!

Topgub · 04/09/2022 11:46

There's a difference between being needy and being walked over.

Original poster
Flowerytoe · 04/09/2022 11:51

@Doingprettywellthanks

Children are 2 and 6. Yes I work 3.5 days self emoyed so no colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flowerytoe · 04/09/2022 11:55

@Russell19 yes I see your point. I often think in a way that agree with everything you've said but also I swing the other way and think he must not like me because he hardly wants to see me.

But I also think me getting out and going to the gym is satisfying for me and it's a bit pathetic of me to have needed the motivation to come from seeing my husband getting out and enjoying himself to kick me into geer to do it for myself.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/09/2022 12:04

Russell19 · 04/09/2022 11:43

I actually can't believe some of the replies on here! I already knew where it was going when I read you have 2 nights out to 'match' his. Very childish. If you want to see him that much then could you give up your gym? Marriage is not a competition. You have Friday night and Sunday too together!

I really think you do need to be more self sufficient. I'm an only child so very used to my own time though My husband has 2 hobbies and is out probably 3 nights and then Sunday mornings. Not an issue to me at all, I can watch TV in peace then!

No empathy at all. Just 'be more like me, and you'll be happy'.

Terrible advice , OP. Basically you're being told here to over ride your own feelings.

Butterdishtea · 04/09/2022 12:13

You're not satisfied and that's ok.

You don't seem to spend much time together. There's a mismatch in what you both want from life.
Your relationship is on shaky ground if you let this drift.

Butterdishtea · 04/09/2022 12:14

Someone else on the thread being happy to spend their evenings in watching telly 'in peace ' is irrelevant to your situation.

Butterdishtea · 04/09/2022 12:16

actually can't believe some of the replies on here! I already knew where it was going when I read you have 2 nights out to 'match' his. Very childish.

It isn't childish. If she had said she wasn't happy with him being out that much she would have been told to match the amount he was out so everything was fair as if that equates to happiness. Very common advice.

Russell19 · 04/09/2022 14:34

Totally disagree.
Happy relationships are not living in each others pockets 24/7.

goldenlillacs19 · 04/09/2022 16:22

Well said @Watchkeys

Twawmyarse · 04/09/2022 16:34

Russell19 · 04/09/2022 11:43

I actually can't believe some of the replies on here! I already knew where it was going when I read you have 2 nights out to 'match' his. Very childish. If you want to see him that much then could you give up your gym? Marriage is not a competition. You have Friday night and Sunday too together!

I really think you do need to be more self sufficient. I'm an only child so very used to my own time though My husband has 2 hobbies and is out probably 3 nights and then Sunday mornings. Not an issue to me at all, I can watch TV in peace then!

I can't believe THESE kinds of replies?! So she should give up HER time at the gym (which she enjoys) but he can merrily carry on with his nights out unchallenged? Fuck that.

They have a 2yo and a 6yo and he's out 2-3 nights a week and every Saturday night? This selfish manchild needs to grow the fuck up and spend some time with his wife and family ffs! Why should the OP just have to suck it up?

I would honestly rather be a single mum than put up with this shit. And yes OP, it does sound like he'd rather be out with his mates than spend time with you - a man who loved his wife and kids would want to spend most weekends with them - he sounds like he still wants to be "one of the lads".

Original poster
Flowerytoe · 04/09/2022 18:51

This afternoon we had some really nice family time together, went to a place he suggested which was great for all of us. I think if I trusted that we would make the most of our time together like today then I'd more likely be OK with him doing his own thing on a Sat night.

OP posts:
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