Talk to me about stonewalling ..

[binemall]

Why do people do it and how do you deal with them ( in relationships) ?

People do it for a number of reasons. Such as difficulty regulating emotions or to avoid conflict. Sometimes it's purposeful emotional abuse, used to punish their partners.

Personally I wouldn't have any patience for it regardless of the reason behind it.

Is this something you're experiencing in your relationship?

I had a row with my boyfriend.He is 48 btw and cannot bear confrontation so has ignored my requests to meet and talk through our problem. This is the second time he is done this in our relationship of a couple of years.

Also he has left me on read so has stopped all communication with me.

It’s a form of control. They want you to be on the back foot. They want to have you ruminating and having to think what could possibly be wrong. They try to make you believe that you’re the one in the wrong and when they’ve left you just long enough to have ‘considered your behaviour’ they then came back and talk. It’s all about control. It says way way more about them than it will do about you. Healthy relationships are not about cutting off communications - rather talking in respectful ways to come to a resolution. It’s quite narcissistic. They don’t think about how it’s affecting you.

I did it a bit in the very last stage of my marriage

Married a very long time, he had always had more power in the relationship - doing what he wanted, making decisions without me, all house work, childcare, admin down to me. As time went on his temper got worse and I was told to ‘put up or shut up’. Threatened with divorce if I questioned or pushed back.

Eventually post menopause I realised I just didn’t love him any more (death by a thousand cuts). I sort of detached from him with my own hobbies if he ever genuinely asked me about how I felt, I think that’s when I stonewalled.

I felt between a rock and a hard place. I couldn’t be honest, because he wouldn’t accept he was at fault and would only get super angry

I don’t know if that’s any help to you. I think stonewalling is when you can’t/don’t want to admit something, but at the same time are unable to blatantly lie because the original question is reasonable.

So just because someone is stonewalling, doesn’t mean they are in the wrong but they just as easily could be.

Is it too simplistic to suggest that he absolutely hates and will avoid confrontation at all costs?

I can't answer exactly why he's doing it, I don't think it's always conscious behaviour, but it always signifies issues with communication, and communication is very important. How are you supposed to work through conflict if he isn't talking to you?

How would you describe communication between you two ordinarily? Do you feel you can bring up any issues, do you feel heard and listened to, do you feel you understand each other?

Some people are like that. They can’t and won’t communicate. Again says more about them than it ever will. I fully understand every circumstance is different and there will be times when you feel unable to communicate - withdrawing from a situation on the surface can look like stonewalling but if it’s done out of protection for yourself - that’s different. In the case however it sounds as if there is one person wanting to communicate and the response being blanked.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of however, its about power and control.

Stonewalling is a toxic form of control in a relationship and the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. He is doing this because he can and feels entitled to do so.

Your relationship with this man needs to be at an end now and it's over really and truly because of his stonewalling of you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I agree. However it takes time for someone’s mind to catch up with this. Very often the person going through the emotional abuse is the last person to recognise it

This is his method of communication when he cannot deal with an issue. It may be work, family, romantic relationships.
It's almost like he becomes overwhelmed by the issue and takes himself off to bed and sleeps for a few days!
He sleeps continually when stressed or when life is not smooth running.

Stonewalling is unacceptable behaviour in a relationship.

This is not someone you want to remain with.

If you feel safe then discuss his behaviour with him. Suggest some couple counselling ? Other than that you can spend. Very long time trying to bend someone to your will. The biggest thing you need to work out is how long you’re prepared to let him treat you like that. You have to figure of the relationship is worth this level of discord- whether it’s a blip or part of his character- if it’s the latter I agree with the previous post - time to get out and find a relationship that isn’t based on a lack of communication and control

I don’t know him so it’s hard to say. My experience of stonewalling has been a furious refusal to be rightly held accountable for shitty behaviour rather than a fear of confrontation.

If this is his way of dealing with things, he won't change. There's no way for you to deal with this that will result in him being better with confrontation and conflict because it's his problem to deal with, not yours.

You have two choices really, accept this is the way he is or end the relationship.

No to couples counselling. This is never recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is not a relationship problem and counselling cannot fix the unequal power imbalance present in the relationship. It could also lead to the OP being more unsafe around him.

That’s if the reason for stonewalling is a toxic controlling measure and not simply his inability to communicate. He may be doing this without realising and it’s his go to when he can’t deal with things. That’s different from someone deliberately with-holding. That’s abuse

I do not believe it's deliberate with holding. I think he does not have the skills to deal with confrontation. He is emotionally unable to deal with stress of any sort.
His form would suggest that he will contact me in the next day or two with comma totally unrelated to the issue but I'm really annoyed with him as in my last message , I told him that I wanted an opportunity to share my struggles with him which was the precursor to the argument and he has left me on read

So you’ve reached out needing something from him and he’s not responded. We’re all different and each one of us have differing levels of resilience. However each of us require open honest communication and respect to make our own lives successful and to allow us to flourish in a relationship. For me, if someone had done that to me I would be concerned about where the relationship is going. We need to feel secure and it doesn’t sound as if you’re getting everything you need. You only have one life

I agree @1976julie . My feelings have not been considered. I won't be responding when he finally wakes up.

Otherwise im not sure you could even categorise it as a friendship let alone a relationship

I basically wanted to thrash out our disagreement but he feels he is right and is aggrieved now so he will take a few days to cool off but I'm not interested in that type of nonsense, frankly.

Time to tell him things need to change significantly, communication therapy or go find someone who is longing to be able to provide that to you. They are out there. Otherwise you’ll blink and you’ll have wasted too many valuable years on someone who doesn’t respect the need for a healthy relationship.

It's a selfish and immature way of dealing with things. It's fine to need some space so long as it's communicated.

You could try talking to him about it, the problem is if the issue is he doesn't like confrontation, he won't like you confronting him about the issue! That's what makes it so difficult to deal with.

@yellowsmileyface I agree. People need to be able to sit down and talk… really talk. Sometimes we’re right sometimes we’re wrong but that shouldn’t dictate when communication happens.