Talk to me about stonewalling ..

[binemall]

Why do people do it and how do you deal with them ( in relationships) ?

My ex DH used to do this as well as take to his bed and sleep endlessly when he was stressed. I hate having unresolved conflict and so I always either let the matter drop or apologised when it wasn't my fault. Clearly not a way towards a healthy relationship and I don't recommend it! I think this type of avoidant behaviour is very difficult to overcome. Ultimately it's up to the stone waller to recognise the problem and address it on their own.

This is how my husband dealt with problems in our marriage, infertility, lots of problems- by not dealing with them and leaving me with all the anxiety and things to manage. I made excuses for him and told people he can't deal with confrontation/ difficult family things because of his difficult upbringing. Then I found out he'd actually been cheating on me. Not saying your partner is cheating! But just saying try not to make excuses for behaviour you don't find acceptable in a relationship, it gives him the message that you're ok with it. And if you're not ok with it, are you happy in the relationship?

Is it possible he's just waiting for things to blow over? If you wanted to "thrash it out" but he still thinks he's right, he might be hoping you can agree to disagree?

There is a difference though between stonewalling, and just wanting to withdraw from an argument and have some space. In face, if one party wants to cool off and the other wants to carry on arguing so follows them and persists, it could be argued that the latter party’s behaviour could be abusive

only you know if it’s blanking you as a power move, or cooling off as they need space

He thinks he is right on this issue.
What happens is ... we have a row.
We leave each other and go to our respective homes.
I text him to ask if we can sort it out. He leaves me on read.
I keep texting( used to, not anymore)
He then comes back a few days later acting the victim.
We talk things through and all is well again for six months or so.

He has said that he needs time to process and can't stand confrontation.

Exactly. If he can’t or won’t change then you do have more control than you think. I spent years apologising to simply break the silence. Incredibly draining and gives more power over to the other person. My ex also cheated and wouldn’t talk, closed off and allowed me to think the worst. It really is very unfair. Don’t make excuses for him. He’s a grown ass man who is intelligent and grown enough to be in a relationship. With that comes responsibility. Of course allowances should be made when the situation allows but those should be so few and far between: they are the exception. Review where you feel you are and if it’s not a life you want (clearly not as you’re on here trying to find reasons and answers) put yourself first and give some ultimatums. You need to take care of you.

"Leaves me on read" - does that mean doesn't reply?

if you talk it through after a few days, he should ask for space initially.

in terms of "playing the victim" do you mean he can never say "I was wrong"?
my late father was like that. Drove me nuts but sadly it seems to be a minority of people who are prepared to admit they were wrong.

this puzzles me - I'm human, I'm wrong a lot!

With my dad, I have refused to speak to him myself for weeks at a time. He still never apologised. I couldn't date someone like that, but sadly I'm not sure they change.

mum used to do fake apologies to return to normal.

My experience of stonewalling has been a furious refusal to be rightly held accountable for shitty behaviour rather than a fear of confrontation.

This, a thousand times.

@ElegantPuma couldnt agree more. It’s quite awful to experience it.

My dad did it. To my mum, and when we were teenagers to me and my brother whenever we had a disagreement. I never ever heard him apologise. He once gave my mum silent treatment for 19 months - I have no idea why she didn’t leave, but I do remember her sleeping in my room with me for about a year and telling me not to tell my gran (her mum).

I did it with my first boyfriend when we had a row and he pointed out that I was just like my dad (who was going through yet another stonewalling episode at the time). It was all I knew - I’d never seen my mum and dad have a clear the air barney in my life. I never did it again and won’t go to bed on a row with anyone. If someone I was in a relationship with did it then they’d be out the door.

Why does there have to be confrontation? We don't do this. Life is too short

@PauliesWalnuts you are correct to point out that this is a learned behaviour. My XH learned passive aggression and stonewalling from his mother, and had me well trained not to upset him.

Well done for recognising the behaviour in yourself and overcoming it.

Move on you will have this all your life otherwise, If you stay with people with problems, they effect your life too and make you miserable.
Draw a line under it and move on even if he apologises, he will only do it again. X

Leave him on read for the rest of your life, when he finally gets in touch and deems you have had enough of the neglect treatment.

It goes beyond rude and bad manners.

It shows they have little regard for you as a person as they would not be so rude as to ignor anyone else.

It is purposeful, the reasons may differ but it is still the action of being ignored.

Maybe this will help
dovidfeldman.medium.com/how-to-respond-to-stonewalling-5aae80ab74ad
DP does this a bit and its a response to his upbringing not because he's trying to hurt me
I love him so I try to manage it but its difficult. I don't think it is consciously abusive though

I think, in my husband's case, it's because they weren't allowed to express negative feelings in his family. They just pretend all is well. I've finally given up. He's currently grumpy and I'm just ignoring it. I'm happy to talk and listen if he wants to, but there's absolutely zero point initiating anything. I could take some guesses at what is going on for him but I'm not going to put the energy into it. He talks or he deals. Meanwhile I refuse to deal with:
Him: Is there some fruit around?
Me: There's some on the kitchen bench and grapes in the fridge.
Me: Oh - and a box is being delivered tomorrow.
Him: OK, I'm just asking. Geesh.

I'm just not going to engage. He's on his own with this sort of thing now.

One of the best articles I've seen on the topic. Thanks.

Sounds depressed