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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex Husband - it never ends

50 replies

1976julie · 03/09/2022 12:09

New to this. So I need some advice on my ex husband. We divorced a couple of years ago after he had an affair and abandoned his family, moving the affair partner into his house immediately. This prevented our sons from being able to visit, and cope with their feelings. Now this woman has gone and he has met another woman - while the first woman was still in his house - during lockdown and moved her into his house, still not seeing much of his children. If they get a text and a 1/2 chat in the week .. that’s a good week. He was always very selfish and took care of himself first. Just wondering if anyone else has experience of partners like that and how you cope with the abandonment and trauma that has been placed on your kids. They don’t really want to see him. They are getting older and see me as their constant. They have never stayed with him as he didn’t create the space for just him and them. He has pressured them to meet both women from the very early days. He doesn’t do parenting other than to give money. Didnt do the school runs, get involved with homework, university selections, guidance of any kind. He had a good career, lots of money, comes in and talks about himself then leaves. Struggling to see how, on any level, this is normal behaviour. A friend told me about limerence a few years ago and I did a little research. He had a wonderful family but constantly seems to think about himself. Has anyone else experienced something similar.

OP posts:

enjoyingscience · 03/09/2022 12:14

What do you want or need from him now? Your kids sound like they are grown - you talk about university, so they can manage their relationships with him independently.

Trying to understand his behaviour is not going to help you now, let it go and focus on yourself.

Original poster

1976julie · 03/09/2022 16:07

@enjoyingscience I wish it was that simple. When you go through this type of trauma and you see the confusion, anger and disappointment in your kids eyes - it’s not as simple as saying they are independent they will sort it out. They are not yet at university so not so old that they are living fully independent lives. Coparent if doesn’t stop when they are grown - not for the present and sensible ones. Your child’s needs just shift.

OP posts:

Hanstarlucky · 04/09/2022 11:38

I got divorced (he strung it out for 2 years) he’s got his own business (offered me 5000). We have a 7 year old. He won’t communicate about anything to do with our son it all has to be done through his solicitor, he had an affair and I found out which is the reason for the divorce (he’s now with this woman).

he pushed till a 3rd final hearing where I got awarded a lump sum for myself and my son He pays no maintenance and refuses to try and co parent, his ability to put him first is appalling. He then decided he wanted equal shared care and took me to court and then changed his mind (he was already having him for 2 nights)

he’s being so difficult in terms of little loose ends which need tied up

someone said recently forget what he is doing, you’ve done all you can and concentrate on you and your son and try your best. Your son will grow up and decide who he actually wants to spend time with

he also went mental when I eventually got a new boyfriend?!

keep going and keep doing what you are doing ❤️

DreamingofMevagissey · 04/09/2022 11:42

Your children sound as though they are almost adults (Uni age). Interesting you don’t say how old they are.
I think you need to let them deal with it themselves and don’t infantilise them.
What screams between the lines is you haven’t got over it yet and you’re using them as an excuse.
Get some therapy. Move on.

Starlightstarbright1 · 04/09/2022 11:47

How old are your children. At 13/14.. i had a very frank conversation with my ds..

I am very straight and honest with him..that he isn't a good dad.

I think listening and supporting their feelings at this age is most important

Original poster

1976julie · 04/09/2022 14:15

@Hanstarlucky so much of what you said resonates with me. I’ve been told it’s their guilt that keeps them treating their family the way they do. It’s an incredibly unsettling time. But thank you for your kind words. Only people who have physically gone through it will completely understand. For those who think my children need to sort it out themselves, you’re either not parents or perhaps need to readjust your view regarding their trauma. Children don’t simply turn adults when they reach 18. Yes they are technically Adults in the eyes of the law - but it’s a flawed law created when mortality was much lower. They still need much guidance and comfort - especially when they’ve experienced trauma through abandonment. I for one will never abandon them to ‘sort it out with their father’ - you never stop being a parent. Trauma can affect them at any age especially on the cusp of adulthood, what that means for them, how they shape and understand adult relationships. So no I won’t be leaving them to navigate that on their own. I’m also not pining for him. Well and truly over that one a long time ago, which is why I can focus on being the only constant parent in their lives.

OP posts:

Original poster

1976julie · 04/09/2022 14:19

@Starlightstarbright1 I agree. I’ve tried to have to at conversation with him. I’ve told
him if he wants things to improve he needs to start co-parenting and he also needs to put them first. Focus on them, guide them, be present for them. Otherwise they simply won’t want to know.

OP posts:

heatissweet · 04/09/2022 15:00

Just accept you can't change him. He's a crap dad. You're doing all you can for your dcs. Try to let it go beyond that because what's the point of letting him affect you.Your dcs relationship with him (or not) going forwards is up to them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/09/2022 15:07

They don’t really want to see him.

There is your answer. Please don't force them to see him.

They've obviously seen him for the piece of crap he is. I know you want them to have a relationship with him, but if they don't want to, and it certainly sounds as if he can't be arsed, then there is not much you can do.

Just continue being their consistent parent.

Original poster

1976julie · 04/09/2022 15:40

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy not forcing them at all. I’m allowing them to set the tone and have done for a very long time. The point i was making was for him (my ex) to start showing his sons attention. If he (my ex) wants things to improve he’s going to have to put his own selfishness aside and make an effort for them. He needs to show up as a parent - not float in and out. That’s damaging them and he can’t see it because he’s not prioritising them.

OP posts:

PonyPatter44 · 04/09/2022 15:50

Maybe its time to accept that he simply doesn't care. You or I couldn't cope with the idea of not seeing our children, because we're moderately normal reasonable people. But for reasons of his own, your ex isn't a normal reasonable person. If he screws up his relationship with his sons, thats his problem. Of course its sad for your boys, and you have to support them as best you can...but you cannot force your ex to behave in what you see as a reasonable manner. Its sad and frustrating, but it is what it is.

Starlightstarbright1 · 04/09/2022 15:54

1976julie · 04/09/2022 14:19

I didn't mean talk to Ex..I meant talking to your DC...

We do a lot of self protection of our children but they reach a point its ok to tell them the truth...

I don't want my DS to grow up thinking the way his dad has behaved is ok as he may well be a Dad one day..

One thing i figured a long time ago was that I can't make my ex into the Dad my DS deserves just minamise the damage.

Twawmyarse · 04/09/2022 15:56

1976julie · 04/09/2022 15:40

He's not going to though - you're flogging a dead horse and tying yourself in knots in the process.

You can't force him to be a parent. So stop, let it go, move on. Your kids have one decent parent and they'll be fine.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/09/2022 15:58

The point i was making was for him (my ex) to start showing his sons attention.

I'm sorry but this is not going to happen and you can't force that either.

My brother's Dad used to drift in and out when he was a kid and totally confused him. My Mum told him to sling his hook in the end. Maybe you'd be better off doing the same.

ThinkingForEveryone · 04/09/2022 19:00

As much as I get that you want to protect your 'children' OP you can go too far. If your kids are uni age surely a frank conversation about how shite their father is explaining you will support them no matter how often they wish to see him (or not) is enough?

DreamingofMevagissey · 05/09/2022 12:18

Carry on indulging yourself that your concern is for your adult children. I suspect they are far more over it than you are.

YellowPlumbob · 05/09/2022 12:26

You should have - a while ago by the sounds of it - started helping them accept and come to terms with having a shit, uninterested father.

If my ex was still trying to co parent with me when ours are over 18, I’d laugh at him. And we’ve co parented really well for 10 years and counting.

crimsonlake · 05/09/2022 12:35

With all due respect I think you will find a lot of people on here have physically gone through this as I myself have.
The only thing you can control is your own response and feelings. I hope you are not vocally expressing any of this to them. You also need to accept this is the way he is and continue as you are doing your best for your DC's.
You need to step right back, get on with your own life and let them navigate their own relationship with their father whatever that turns out to be.

TheMinuteYouWalkedInTheJoint · 05/09/2022 12:42

It's one thing to acknowledge "trauma" but get the feeling from your posts it's your "trauma" and you're projecting.

1976julie · 05/09/2022 14:10

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Goosygandy · 05/09/2022 14:22

I do wonder if the one bit of grieving you haven't done for your past relationship is that he will never be the father you wanted for your children. That's extremely painful to come to terms with. He sounds like he likes the idea of being a good father, but that's partly his ego talking. When it comes to sacrifice and putting them first he's just not interested.

The good news is that having one concerned and caring parent is often enough to build self esteem and be able to have good relationships in the future. You can't change your ex but you've more than likely made up for his shortcomings.
I'd be tempted to be honest with your children along the lines that he loves them but struggles to put them first and that's not down to anything they've done wrong but just the way he's made.

BuckarooBanzai · 05/09/2022 14:25

It makes me really sad that my DD's don't see their Dad consistently. It also makes me feel lonely when something goes wrong and I can't even contact him. DD1 was 3 hours away from death and he never even knew. I've been lucky and had back up from my parents and my DP. It's not in my power to fix the relationship between my DD's and their Dad. As my DD's approach adulthood it's very much down to them.

keepingwarm5623 · 05/09/2022 14:27

I have experienced a very similar situation to what you have been through but completely agree with most PP's. You can't change him and therefore there is very little you can do to make up for what your DC have been through.

All you can do is be the best parent you can be, support them in whatever they do and leave your ex to get on with his life however he wants to. Encourage them to have the self respect and agency to deal with him themselves in a way that they are happy with and let them get on with it. They have you, they will be fine.

skyeisthelimit · 05/09/2022 14:37

DD had 3 years of counselling between ages 10-13 to talk about her father and other issues (friends moving, growing away etc all adding to sense of "everybody leaves me").

I begged XH for years to have regular contract EOW etc for the sake of DD but he wouldn't. He moved repeatedly, back home, further away again and so on. I gave up communicating when he became aggressive and verbally abusive. As DD grew up she tried to tell him herself how she felt about his lack of regular contact, that she felt that he just didn't care about her.

She now hasn't seen him since Christmas, and he barely contacts her.

I know that it hurts her to be so rejected by him. I can't explain it to her as I don't know his reasons other than he is "busy". It is clear that he doesn't want to see her though, because if he wanted to he would. That was something I learned from my own counsellor after the divorce.... "if he wanted to he would".

I learned that there was nothing I could do to make him want to see his DD. I learned that there nothing I could do to make DD feel better other than get her counselling to learn how to express and deal with her feelings.

So, sadly there is nothing that you can do. You cannot change him, you cannot make him act differently or think differently. If he wanted to he would .

Fladdermus · 05/09/2022 14:38

This reply has been deleted

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What a shitty response to someone who has taken the time to try and help you.

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