Ex Husband - it never ends

[1976julie]

New to this. So I need some advice on my ex husband. We divorced a couple of years ago after he had an affair and abandoned his family, moving the affair partner into his house immediately. This prevented our sons from being able to visit, and cope with their feelings. Now this woman has gone and he has met another woman - while the first woman was still in his house - during lockdown and moved her into his house, still not seeing much of his children. If they get a text and a 1/2 chat in the week .. that’s a good week. He was always very selfish and took care of himself first. Just wondering if anyone else has experience of partners like that and how you cope with the abandonment and trauma that has been placed on your kids. They don’t really want to see him. They are getting older and see me as their constant. They have never stayed with him as he didn’t create the space for just him and them. He has pressured them to meet both women from the very early days. He doesn’t do parenting other than to give money. Didnt do the school runs, get involved with homework, university selections, guidance of any kind. He had a good career, lots of money, comes in and talks about himself then leaves. Struggling to see how, on any level, this is normal behaviour. A friend told me about limerence a few years ago and I did a little research. He had a wonderful family but constantly seems to think about himself. Has anyone else experienced something similar.

1976julie · Today 14:10
@TheMinuteYouWalkedInTheJoint I don’t honestly know how to answer that. You’re neither qualified or know enough of the situation. Absolutely no trauma on my side. Water under the bridge a very very long time ago. As a responsible parent (clearly you’re not one or not even a very good one) it’s my job to make sure my childrens pathway to adulthood is as stress free as possible. Sounds as if you’re the type of person who hasn’t experienced anything of this nature and/or completely out of tune to the needs of your children if you have any.

That is unbelievably rude.

Insulting people who are trying to help isn't going to get you very far on here.

Once your children turn 18 their relationship with their father is their business, not yours, as they will be adults. There will be no more 'co-parenting' - if they need/want anything from their father they will be able to ask him directly, they won't need to go through you.

The sooner you accept that, the better for both you and them.

You sound like you have done a good job bringing up your boys on your own. you say that you have told you ex that he needs to put them first etc. To be honest he will know this already, he has chosen not to put his children first. Instead he puts himself and his latest girlfriend first.

I wouldn't have any contact with him because what's the point? Let him get on with his life and continue making poor choices, because he will do this anyway. You continue living your life and supporting your children. You say that co - parenting doesn't stop, it does and it has for you. Focus on what you can do and what you can change, your ex doesn't care about you so let forget about him.

I completely agree with you and your prospective, I have no feelings in relation to my ex but I am very heightened to the trauma it has caused the children. I completely agree that just because children turn 18 they are meant to be able to deal with everything. You seem a very caring person who is extremely bothered about your childrens mental health ❤️

Mine is like, doesn't take any decision regarding the kids, everything is left to me to sort out issue, he is all talk but no action, he has always put himself first.

Wow. Op you're not covering yourself in glory here.

That’s not how the OPs post came across to me at all. I have been through similar and it was because I wanted to minimise the affects on my children as much as possible. I can only interpret the post as that she cares and loves her children dearly and their mental well-being is at the front of her mind. She is bothered about wanting him to be the father they deserve and this would bother any mother that he isn’t

You seem to be taking your bitterness and anger out on the wrong people.

He has pressured them to meet both women from the very early days
And you allowed it? That was the time to put your foot down.

They don’t really want to see him
Then where's the problem is your ex making them see him?

He was always very selfish and took care of himself first
And you expect him to suddenly change now?
I think you know that's never going to happen.
You still haven't said what age the DC are, it's relevant because what are the chances of them asking to meet up with their father and having a discussion with just him and them.

It does end. We divorced when my boys were very young. After a couple of single years I met my current husband and had our daughter. The boys' dad was always a nightmare when it came to seeing them, picking them up, paying for them, dropping them off etc. Nothing ever consistent and it affected my relationship with my husband at one point.

Eventually youngest DS told his Dad he didn't want to be bothered with him anymore (he was 15) , his brother took a bit longer and used a weekend job as an excuse (17). Once both boys were 18 there was no contact for a few years, although they do see him occasionally now.

I often forget he exists at all. It's a complete other lifetime.

what on earth is wrong with you?

You can’t help your kids
process it , your not a therapist or mental health professional

yes it surely fucks them up , that’s a given
but the best thing is for them to keep
on building their own lives

it’s unfortunate their father is a wanker

all you can do is guide them and be a constant presence

when you say it never ends
how do you mean , what’s happening in practical terms to make you say this ?

Just because a child turns 18, does not mean parents need to stop co-parenting and caring for their child.

Just because a child turns 18, does not mean that the hurt of abandonment and the fear of future abandonment goes away.

Your ex wants your children to meet his girlfriend to give him validation. It is up to them to meet or not and make up their own minds.

That he only gives money, well, take it..and more. It is better than nothing. And if the money makes your children's lives easier, and means that you don't have to work so hard and can relax a bit, then tell the kids to take it.

Money is money. It may not buy happiness but it lets you live in misery in comfort.

The abandonment and the trauma on kids is real and soul destroying.

Absolutely nothing thanks!

I have been wondering this myself. My ex is a narcissist and is as confusing and tricky with my fabulous 14 year old DD as he was with me. He’s also an alcoholic and is about to get married again. My DD loves him despite him letting her down, being overly emotional and manipulative and hard work. We all know about never criticising the ex but how do you help you learn child not get tangled up in this maelstrom?

This is a good post. I think you have tried talking to him and there really isn't anything else you can do as if he doesn't wish to change, he won't. You can't make him.

Having open and honest conversations with your DC is best and if necessary, encouraging them to see a therapist. You could tell them how you feel when you see them hurt by his behaviour and that you want to protect them from it, but cannot. They will make their own decisions about how much they want to see him in their own time. It may be that financial support is as far as it goes.

1976julie I can see a lot of similarities with your situation, but my sons and I are further down the line. They are mid-late twenties now.
We have all accepted that their father has little or no interest in their lives, careers, interests or families. His granddaughter was born just before Christmas 2021 - he has seen her twice. It’s his loss, he won’t be invited again.
I think the situation was most damaging to my boys in the early days after our separation when he feigned interest. That was awful. They would tell me that they could see his eyes glaze over if they attempted to answer a question that they knew perfectly well he couldn’t care less about. At least he is obvious in his apathy now.
I now leave them to it, they are all adults and I don’t interfere.
It was hurtful to start with but my ex hadn’t better expect his boys to come running if he needs them because he’s probably left it too late. They no longer care.

The only thing you can do is be resilient and teach your children to be as well regardless of their age?
What else can you do?
and yes I have been through it (and worse)
on that note it does eventually end xx

As parents we want want the best for our children. We also want to make everything perfect / ok for them. But unfortunately many many children live in less than idea situations. My 2 young children counting!
You can not influence what your ex does or does not do. Unfortunately your wasting your energy trying. I think you should all except that he's not going to be the father you/they want. Instead try and imbrace what he is able to bring to your children's life. Eg what he is able to commit to or what positives there are in the situation.
The children may be able to maintain a relationship that's still forfilling but with an understanding of his limitations.
Work on your children's sense of self worth and identify, when asked being frank and honest about their fathers down falls.
I've managed to navigate an horrendous situation with my young children. They don't see their father (there is a no contact order). It's complicated and I know I carn't fix the situation for them. But I try to minimise the damage he's caused,validate their feelings ( but not dwell on it) and fill their lives with many positive things. Will my kids be damaged,? yes they will be, but that will be a small part of their lives and a small part of their life story. X

Really??? Your posts completely lack empathy and understanding. “Stop indulging yourself” ??!!!

wow

I'm not quite sure what you want or expect from your XDH. But whatever it is, what he is doing now is what's going to carry on happening. You can't make him into a better father or a better person. It will impact your kids, it already has, and you have to learn to live with that. (And yes, I live with the guilt of giving my kids a crap father, who doesn't even bother trying to parent with money even though he has plenty).

That said, my own father was crap too but I've survived; in fact I suspect the number of kids raised with two consistently good parents is pretty small. Just too the best you can and keep your expectations of XDH low and you won't be disappointed.

What’s your problem with me?
Wow, you’re rude!

You can say to them ‘it’s not you. Some people are just really rubbish parents. Some people are selfish and put their own wants first. You are not alone sadly. Hopefully you will be better with your own families. If you ever need therapy pls say and I will try and help pay for it’

How old are the children? You've avoided answering so far but I do feel it relevant. If they are over 18 then you really can't buffer their emotional hurt forever. Yes just because they are 18 doesn't mean they don't feel it anymore but at some point they will learn from the disappointment to limit their own contact without your input.

How is it rude to suggest your posts lack empathy?. I don’t know your situation- if you have children or don’t but suggesting the OP gets “therapy and move on” is appalling

The OP is clearly trying to minimise the trauma inflicted on her children. She is also trying to make up for the lack of the other parent which is a normal instinct for a decent parent

why would the OP need therapy for herself regarding this issue? What would the subject matter be? Or could it be considered she is trying to reduce possibility of her children to seek therapy later on?

her children maybe older but I completely agree with her

helping them now through this in the best way she can can try to ensure they develop a secure attachment style in adult relationships