A new revelation....

[VJasper86]

So I've posted quite a few times and I'm sure I can link the posts if needed.

Long story short (well a bit less long)

• 2007 dh overt flirting with a friend, people encouraging him to go for it, me finding out, him still ditching me to go to the party telling me I should stay home (I was meant to be going but he suddenly asked me not to which led to the reveal of the girl)

• 2015 slept in bed with another woman. Pants were still on but I think thing there was boob and clit action to some extent, yet to get the full truth. There were messages after talking about if they weren't married, hope dh wasn't too handsy etc (how I found out). Made me feel a fool, but no detail of what happened. It has taken until recently for him to admit how far it went, but he still claims he doesn't really remember.

He never really repented his actions/made up for them, he avoided it, I avoided it, I wasn't strong enough to really deal with it and he was happy to bury his head in the sand.

He then has had some long periods of lazy husband/parenting/imbalance in our marriage/pnd for me/unemployment for him etc that led to me being on more meds and personal therapy has brought this to a head.

We are now in couples therapy, making progress, not got to the unfaithful bits yet, more how to better communicate, parent, work as a team, remember how we used to feel about each other at the start etc.

So, new issue. Speaking to a friend this week who we both used to work with. She knows we are having issues, but didn't know the big incidents. In our chat it came up, and I am open about what happened now, as I shouldn't feel ashamed and need to make use of support.

She then brings up a work event where dh tried to kiss her. This will have been 2017/18.

She says she told me at the time, which could be true as there was a lot of alcohol flowing. She mentioned that another colleague who I got along well with made a comment to her having seen the incident saying she was a bad friend and it clearly got to her.

Now I don't know in what manner this all happened, was it an attempted kiss on the cheek but she moved, was he proper going in for something.
She was and still is in a LTR so not "available"
Did my other friend overreact to what he saw, like I said, lots of booze, free bar, did he only catch part of it.

Obviously I need to bring this up, but when. Do I say now, do I wait until our next therapy session and lead with it, as that will probably then lead to a session on him being unfaithful.
It would blindside him, he will definitely say he has no recollection of it.

I know LTB will be likely and I do get it, totally, and I place a lot of value in that opinion too.I f I was on the outside I'd be saying it too.
I still don't know at the moment if we will stay together. I am more on the separate side, but personal anxiety/self worth issues mean I need to try everything to save it. Also, there are moments he is lovely and I just can't do it to him.
We have kids, a mortgage and with cost of living etc it's a big decision so I intend to give it the consideration it deserves.

But after people's thoughts on when best to address this new revelation to get the most beneficial response.

Most people are extremely wary of telling someone their husband tried it on. It’s often a case of shoot the messenger. This woman is telling you she told you at the time, in a public place, and in a place where your husband was too. And apparently you never mentioned it ever again. Funny she didn’t either isn't it.

Many women are cautious of men, especially men who’ve been drinking heavily like your husband was. Most women don’t like tension in the workplace or public scenes or even the remote possibility that your drunk husband could have publicly confronted her and called her a liar.

Its all very virtuous op, and not very realistic. It would not be nice having to work with someone after you’ve told their wife they’ve tried it on with you.

@Sausagelove thanks for the comments.
I told dh about it last night and said clearly it means I still don't trust him as I don't know what to believe as he obvs denies it, but also knows he passed out later thist eve and that he has previous.

Since I've told dh, friend has now said that they were dancing and she assumed he was trying to kiss her cheek but missed.
This is the whole reason I asked her to explain what happened because now I've confronted dh, she is revealing more to the story even though I asked her to tell me what she remembered the other day.

Just have no idea who to believe now, if either.

Wrt the pants on comment.
I found messages between the two of them including ones of him saying sorry if they went too far he was very handsy, and lucky he kept his bottoms on.

I feel a total mess all over again now. And dh is clearly sad and low about the new situation, and my predisposition is always to fucking take care of people, be concerned about their happiness, try and make things better for them.
So I'm the one asking if he is OK etc.
Thats my big thing to work on, put myself first.

This thread is so sad.

You are tying yourself in knots trying to understand this man. There's really nothing to understand. He's a cheater and a lier who can't keep it in his pants. He is 'uncommunicative' as a way of avoiding anything that will drop him further in the shit.

He is giving you nothing while you are putting your heart and soul into trying to save a dead marriage. I get in, I've been there. I went to counselling with my ex husband who had zero interest in wanting to improve things. It remains one of my most humiliating memories.

Knock the joint counselling on the head because it is pointless. Find a counsellor for yourself who works better for you and work towards ending this torturous marriage.

Why would you kiss another persons cheek dancing anyway?

I think you need to park couple counselling for the moment and return to individual counselling for you first.

You are tying yourself up in knots trying to save a relationship that your husband has basically beaten to death with his behaviour. What's he doing to save it? Fuck all, even the counsellor and you are tiptoeing around his feelings, like he's some jittery wilderbeest about to run off at a hard question. Seriously?

And he can sit there and feign memory lapse whenever there's an awkward question about his behaviour - how convenient. Bet you his memory is grand every other way except when women he's trying to shag are involved.

I'm not going to tell you to LTB because as you say, the logistics and children involved it does require consideration but I will tell you to go back to counselling on your own, and find your lady balls and your self respect - staying a wet lettuce only reinforces to him that you are too afraid to leave and that as a result, he can do what he likes.

At least if you find your voice then you can go back and be an equal participant in couple's counselling and it might be more effective for your marriage or even for a more steady separation. But right now, it's money down the drain particularly for you.