What's going On with my mum?

[Autumnchills415]

Good morning.
I really want your thoughts and opinions on this please. I'm 34. I have 2 children. I separated from their dad after 10 years so I'm currently single. I did have a relationship with some else that was around the year mark. I didn't introduce my children and I've stayed single since. I have an attitude of I hope I meet someone one day but I'm not going to search as such. What will be will be. Just some background information there.

I grew up with a mum that did what mum's do. Cook. Clean. Rules. My dad went out to work and he is a lovely man, with a softer center for us kids although we respected him. My mum never was particularly warm. I've witnessed my dad telling her she's cold at a funeral before. She just doesn't do hugs. Tears. Expressions of feeling sad and It's very rare to see her being affectionate. She has 4 daughters. She's now coming up 70 and her eldest daughter is 52. I'm the youngest.

My mum broke my self esteem growing up. She would make little comments on my legs. They in her words were big. I have always been strong built but was never fat. This led me to believe I wasn't like other girls. I'd sit at family parties feeling uncomfortable with myself..because My female family members and their partners were comfortable and happy. Wearing a dress. Dancing. Having a chat. I was just awkward and although I can always chat, if my mums near me I never felt I could be who I am (which is actually quite bubbly and I love chatting to people) this spilled into me avoiding going out with my work friends etc. I didn't like myself at all.

I had no end of trouble with her when I got pregnant in 2014. It was like I was a stupid kid that she needed to control..she couldn't stand me being excited. Finding out the gender made her irritable. She didn't want to see my 4d scan photos as I was apparently spoiling It..she didn't want to come shopping, or visit at the hospital and there was no help after my daughter was born. Infact she mocked me for the way I rang her. She told me the dad's supposed to call people and again I had done it wrong. I had another child in 2017 and I had a son.

I have a shy child and a very sociable fiery child. She has made me feel terrible about both their personalities. My eldest didn't speak to her or my dad from aged 3 until 5 and a half. She got an anxiety which cleared up. She's fine now. But now my son aged 4 can be absolutely terrible sometimes in terms of going silly and not listening so he's now being put down (although he's started to calm)

To get to the point of this post. My mum joined Facebook around 8 years ago. I can't express how much I dont want her on there. I had blood transfusions 9 months ago, I lost 2 and a half stone from being poorly. The weight stayed off. I'm going to be honest. I feel like I've finally found myself. I'm a Size 12. I feel healthy. I feel like I'm blooming in my 30s. I feel a much stronger sense of who I am. Not being poorly anymore means I can make plans. I can wear nicer clothes. Ive began walking 4 miles through the forest as many days as possible. I'm working hard on myself after My last relationship broke me down. This is the first year I've worn skirts and dresses in summer. Only midi! But I have had so many lovely comments and it's really boosted me. But my mum is simmering in the background. I make her angry. On jubilee weekend I wore a bardot midi dress. Not at all revealing with some wedges. I snapped myself a photo and put it on Facebook. I got some lovely comments from My female friends and around 20 likes from male and females. My mum didn't like it. I got to the bbq and my mum said infront of my family, she only gets dressed up so she can take a selfie. I felt so mortified and it hit me she didn't like it because it had rubbed her up.

I probably put one picture or maybe 2 a month of me. That's because I'm going out more now..I'm seeing my friends more. I've been happier in myself etc.

I went to mums yesterday and grumbled I kept getting friend requests from men at least 20 years older and jokingly said I appeal to the wrong generation. She told me it will be the pictures I post and I probably look game! I said to her that I knew her and my sister had a problem with my photos and that I was allowed to post photos. She laughed and said she also gets attention but its from fake profiles (possibly suggesting these adds are fake)

What's really starting to annoy me is how she's interacting with others. I think there's something wrong with her. She's added my second cousins on my dads side. I've met them on a night out years ago. My mum just had to add the one she didn't know and now she's joining in with her stuff!! She's having a laugh with them. Liking all her photos. Putting kisses on comments. She has always said she doesn't use kisses because they are sick. She has done this sort of behaviour to several people she's clicked onto via Facebook. They get a fakeness from her that makes her look fun or a good laugh then in the background she's telling me off.

She also told me recently that my old school friend who's had a brilliant career in the army and has the perfect wife and life looks grown up, where as I dont look grown up.

I hate it. I'm trying so hard to be happy but she's just being awful. She says sarcastic comments about my friends. If they have relationship issues or life issues she's got her opinions. I've recently been chatting to a woman more regularly that I was friends with years back. My mum has now started mocking the stuff we've spoken about. This friend told me (whether you believe or not) that her other friends having some spooky stuff going on in her house and has moved into her mums. My mum spent the next day saying me pictures of her lamp in the window saying she could see weird lights in the sky. The next day she said to me that she had made it up and that's what people do. Put stuff online to pretend it scared them.

I'm really fed up of her. She speaks to me like rubbish

Firstly, change your settings on Facebook, you don't have to block her as she would know but you can set it so she can't see any of your uploads.

Secondly, you are allowed to grieve that you don't have the mother you should have but look into some counselling so that you aren't looking for her validation you don't need it.

Is your dad still around? Your mum does sound very strange. She sounds very cold and self involved. It's pretty clear that she's jealous of you. How often do you see her? I'd be very tempted to limit that very strictly.

Is your sister the same then? You poor thing, that sounds really horrible for you.

Good god, that's awful. It sounds like you are the family scapegoat.
Please have a look on the Stately Homes threads , lots of info and experience of dealing with toxic parents.

Secondly, you are allowed to grieve that you don't have the mother you should have but look into some counselling so that you aren't looking for her validation you don't need it.

This ^. I have been doing this for years, never felt loved and supported by my parents, dad not around, mum constantly criticised me. We have been NC for many years. My life is so much better for it. I do feel envious of others that have lovely parents, and I have made sure my now adult children have always been loved, supported and helped.

Restrict her on Facebook.

Get some counselling. You sound like you are needing more from her than she is ever going to give. You need some help to set your boundaries. You are in your thirties now, bit living with her so don’t need her spoken approval. You don’t have to cut her off or anything but it does sound like you need some help to be able to ignore what she says.

Yes I blocked my sister a month ago when she told me i wasnt being a good mum to my children because I was still angry and upset over the relationship that lasted around a year and a half. He was not a nice man and I was having a massive problem getting his stuff returned to him. It was causing me alot of stress. My mum and sister had been bitching about me as they both were saying stuff to me and defending eachother. I said to my mum how can you both be like this when for years you were paying for my sisters court cases and helping her pay for her son because of her ex. She knows how much these men can affect us. My mum said it was different, as my sister had a child with him. My sisters always been mums favourite. My sister doesn't have female friends. Hates herself. Gets irritated by girly girls and girls being confident. She she's probably easy for mum to gel with.

I went into therapy after that relationship for 5 sessions but I can't afford anymore with rising costs. We did touch on my mum though very briefly and we talked about putting boundaries in place. Which I do now. I do tell them when I see them being spiteful.

I love My dad and I don't think he knows the half of it. I told him yesterday she had said I looked game on Facebook though. He raised his eyebrows and pulled a face. With humour I guess. But I think he'd be disgusted at her if he knew the half of it.

It does feel like she genuinely hates me. She thinks I'm nieve. Stupid. Silly. Stroppy. I feel like how old do I need to get before I feel like a woman around her. She still makes me feel like a walking mess with no clue in life.

My mum was a housewife and never worked in my lifetime. She's got no hobbies or interests and spends all her time with My dad now he's retired. She used to just keep the house spotless and read in the afternoons. Very routined. She likes to tell me ofcourse when she was my age she was fun. Went put drinking. Wore heels everyday etc.

I'm trying to understand why she's so triggered. I smile on my photos. I wear natural makeup but I'm not into eyelashes and lips etc. So it's not even that I'm styling myself too sexual. I'm doing absolutely nothing seductive in my photos. Just smiling from good angles like we all do if the lightning works.

I do feel like the scapegoat. She has acknowledged now I even have skinny legs. She ended up getting bigger and has fluid swelling in her ankles and feet. I got smaller. I should not call it karma..but I sometimes think I'm glad I lost weight as that's an area she can't use now. Nut unfortunately she's now annoyed I've updated my wardrobe. I did notice the other week she had bought the exact same sandals as me but a different brand. She said she wouldn't have been seen dead in them at my age but it seems everyone is wearing them. (Birkenstocks) so I do sometimes notice her copying.

She sounds jealous and resentful . She
Wishes she were you and had your life

Pitiful really. Poor woman

Reduce confact. When she puts you down remember she's just jealous.

Just to add I block her of most my posts but can't my profile photos and anything public I comment on with friends she joins in and scares my friends off. She's like a bad smell honestly. She is constantly monitoring me. It's hard. She also goes through my friends list and told me to remove everyone other than family snd friends I know well. She didn't like me talking to other people about my last relationship. I spoke to a couple of acquaintances or old friends I know longer no about it. They became my biggest helpers in those early weeks because they had experienced similar. My mum saw that as me hanging out my dirty washing. I said to her they understand where as you don't. You tell me how to feel. You don't respect how I feel.

Reading this back I do sound like a child but this is honestly how she is and I just wish she'd leave me alone..I see her once a week as my dad pays me to do the cleaning as they struggle more now.

I’m sorry OP, I would hide stuff from her on Facebook and to be honest, I think I’d stop seeing her at all.

If you can afford it, let your dad get a cleaner instead and see him separately, away from your mum.

Stop telling her so much! Then she wont have the ammunition - eg the spooky incidents at your friends house

I have to do this with my mother, I know its shit & know how it makes you feel sad you don’t have the relationship other people do, but it is easier if you feel you cant go no contact.

I had multiple hospital stays during my recent pregnancy & didnt tell her about any of them because I couldnt be bothered with the drama

It's highly likely she envies you. This is not unusual. It means she doesn't want to see you happy. And that means you need to keep her at arm's length.
Some people find it easier to pull others down than build themselves up.

Thank you and yeah I do try so hard to ignore her. She just doesn't want me having any attention. If my friends tell me I look nice on my profile pictures I get anxious about replying as I know mum's watching.

I know it seems its all about social media but that's because it's her main way to snoop into what I'm up too.

I perhaps will be able to go back to therapy after Christmas I know its definitely an issue..

Same with my mum on Facebook! She was very cruel last year and I blocked her. Best thing I ever did. There was absolute carnage in the family but I stuck with it. Stood my ground and my siblings supported it. Mum was basically online bullying me...she's 73!

The comments about my weight, clothes, makeup and constant berating was very similar to the high school drama and buying you get online these days.

Maybe it's more common than we think :(

Go through your Facebook privacy asap and tighten it up. I actually found Instagram better for our age group (same age as you!) - perhaps use that more and have a private account?

I know it seems its all about social media but that's because it's her main way to snoop into what I'm up too

I'd deactivate my entire account for 2 weeks and see if she improves. My mum is EXACTLY the same.

Don't tell her you have deactivated though. I think Facebook is more for people aged 65+ (and if she asks, say you found Facebook was more suitable for older people. Thatll really piss her off!!)

I love my mum, shes great and incredibly supportive. She's not on my Facebook though its not compulsorary just remove her and any negative siblings.

As for talking to people on Facebook about your previous relationship I agree about not airing your 'dirty laundry' public ally, those conversations should be kept quiet over messenger. If they are over messenger then stop telling your mum about them. If for no other reason than some employers check social media when looking for new recruits and it's not something they need to know.

To be blunt she sounds like an absolute c*nt.

personally I think you should block her and have very little/no contact with her. Why give her any ammunition to use against you. She will always be like this because people like that don’t change.

why do you continue to have contact with her given she is so vile. I know she’s family but still it sounds like she brings nothing but pain into your life.

about your dad..:you say he’s not aware of the extent of her behaviour. Is that true? How could he have missed how she acts across your whole life. Are you sure he just isn’t ignore or enabling it (saying that as someone with a father who enabled shorty behaviour from my mother).

In a big fat nutshell she is jealous of you op.
In her world no woman can manage without a man.
But you can.
Amazingly by the sound of it.
I have been nc with my dm for 20 years. Peace from criticism is brilliant.. Def recommend it.

It’s really not uncommon for mums who treat their daughters like shit to be overly kind/praising of others. It’s mind games. She’s treating you shit and making you feel worse by being OTT about others.

@MrsFerguson its truly awful it really is. Ofcourse we want to be attractive and especially when you are single. It's not about getting attention. My mum should be very aware of the pain I've experienced in recent months and understand that I perhaps deserve to be happy. My ex has me blocked everywhere but knowing him he will be watching so i don't post anything negative on fb and only happy photos..although most are private anyway.
Facebook is still popular around my age group but Instagram is definitely not my mums scene. I do have Instagram. I'm glad you got rid of your mum. It's not fair that they are holding ylus back is it. I believe we all behave slightly differently with friends to how we behave infront of family etc. So it's like a constant feeling of I can't be myself as I need to be in friend mode to be myself not family.

I put my sons first school uniform on Facebook the other day. I have had to buy him size 3 trousers (he's almost 5) and I just wrote I was labelling up tiny size 3 trousers and little dinosaur shoes and most people reacted normally. They understood my little boys off to school and its a milestone! My mum put a laughing face and put he probably wants to get away from his barmy mother. She then changed her laugh to a like 6 hours later. I knew she was digging because I dared show public emotion towards my son.

@Singleandproud

No it was done in phone calls and private messaging. I just told her that so and so from school experienced similar and said xyz. I'm not one to rant. Most people didn't even know we were together but I did need to reach out at first to get support and knew of a couple of people who had been in bad situations too.

My mum was exactly the same my entire life, she despised me the minute I was born, I honestly now with hindsight think she had untreated PND. In your case I would go grey rock and keep your distance, restrict her on Facebook, you are feeding her at the moment so cut off the supply.

Your mum sounds like a bully-mean girl.
Change your setting on Facebook as previously suggested and avoid her as much as possible.
I’d limit the amount of time I have to see her for too.
Good luck and please try to ignore her x

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow

She's clever. My dad is aware of her coldness and does give her digs about her attitude. But he won't have a clue about the name calling and Bitching online. She will get off the phone if she sees my dad coming home. Or tell me to stop talking about my Ex if she sees my dad coming into the room. She hides alot from him. He doesn't have Facebook so he won't know what she's like.
She is spiteful about one of my cousins children. She simply doesn't like him. He is 11 and she will tear him apart but again if my dad is on earshot she stops the conversation. I've said many times to my mum i always find him quite polite and he always says hi to me if he's out playing. It's like she has to find fault in people just because they are not her idea of what a person should be. Part of her problem with this lad is him and his brother have long hair and have buns. She can't wrap her head around it. She's so silly.

Block your mum, and be you, which sounds like a bit more confident than usual.

Perhaps your mum doesn't like this new you, because you will finally be able to stand up to her bullying behaviour.

I cut my mum out my life years ago and bloody hell life is so much better.

Why are you letting her see your FB posts? Make your profile pic entirely anonymous rather than a photo of you, and from now on make your status settings 'friends except mumsname'. Then just be careful what you post on any public page.