What's going On with my mum?

[Autumnchills415]

Good morning.
I really want your thoughts and opinions on this please. I'm 34. I have 2 children. I separated from their dad after 10 years so I'm currently single. I did have a relationship with some else that was around the year mark. I didn't introduce my children and I've stayed single since. I have an attitude of I hope I meet someone one day but I'm not going to search as such. What will be will be. Just some background information there.

I grew up with a mum that did what mum's do. Cook. Clean. Rules. My dad went out to work and he is a lovely man, with a softer center for us kids although we respected him. My mum never was particularly warm. I've witnessed my dad telling her she's cold at a funeral before. She just doesn't do hugs. Tears. Expressions of feeling sad and It's very rare to see her being affectionate. She has 4 daughters. She's now coming up 70 and her eldest daughter is 52. I'm the youngest.

My mum broke my self esteem growing up. She would make little comments on my legs. They in her words were big. I have always been strong built but was never fat. This led me to believe I wasn't like other girls. I'd sit at family parties feeling uncomfortable with myself..because My female family members and their partners were comfortable and happy. Wearing a dress. Dancing. Having a chat. I was just awkward and although I can always chat, if my mums near me I never felt I could be who I am (which is actually quite bubbly and I love chatting to people) this spilled into me avoiding going out with my work friends etc. I didn't like myself at all.

I had no end of trouble with her when I got pregnant in 2014. It was like I was a stupid kid that she needed to control..she couldn't stand me being excited. Finding out the gender made her irritable. She didn't want to see my 4d scan photos as I was apparently spoiling It..she didn't want to come shopping, or visit at the hospital and there was no help after my daughter was born. Infact she mocked me for the way I rang her. She told me the dad's supposed to call people and again I had done it wrong. I had another child in 2017 and I had a son.

I have a shy child and a very sociable fiery child. She has made me feel terrible about both their personalities. My eldest didn't speak to her or my dad from aged 3 until 5 and a half. She got an anxiety which cleared up. She's fine now. But now my son aged 4 can be absolutely terrible sometimes in terms of going silly and not listening so he's now being put down (although he's started to calm)

To get to the point of this post. My mum joined Facebook around 8 years ago. I can't express how much I dont want her on there. I had blood transfusions 9 months ago, I lost 2 and a half stone from being poorly. The weight stayed off. I'm going to be honest. I feel like I've finally found myself. I'm a Size 12. I feel healthy. I feel like I'm blooming in my 30s. I feel a much stronger sense of who I am. Not being poorly anymore means I can make plans. I can wear nicer clothes. Ive began walking 4 miles through the forest as many days as possible. I'm working hard on myself after My last relationship broke me down. This is the first year I've worn skirts and dresses in summer. Only midi! But I have had so many lovely comments and it's really boosted me. But my mum is simmering in the background. I make her angry. On jubilee weekend I wore a bardot midi dress. Not at all revealing with some wedges. I snapped myself a photo and put it on Facebook. I got some lovely comments from My female friends and around 20 likes from male and females. My mum didn't like it. I got to the bbq and my mum said infront of my family, she only gets dressed up so she can take a selfie. I felt so mortified and it hit me she didn't like it because it had rubbed her up.

I probably put one picture or maybe 2 a month of me. That's because I'm going out more now..I'm seeing my friends more. I've been happier in myself etc.

I went to mums yesterday and grumbled I kept getting friend requests from men at least 20 years older and jokingly said I appeal to the wrong generation. She told me it will be the pictures I post and I probably look game! I said to her that I knew her and my sister had a problem with my photos and that I was allowed to post photos. She laughed and said she also gets attention but its from fake profiles (possibly suggesting these adds are fake)

What's really starting to annoy me is how she's interacting with others. I think there's something wrong with her. She's added my second cousins on my dads side. I've met them on a night out years ago. My mum just had to add the one she didn't know and now she's joining in with her stuff!! She's having a laugh with them. Liking all her photos. Putting kisses on comments. She has always said she doesn't use kisses because they are sick. She has done this sort of behaviour to several people she's clicked onto via Facebook. They get a fakeness from her that makes her look fun or a good laugh then in the background she's telling me off.

She also told me recently that my old school friend who's had a brilliant career in the army and has the perfect wife and life looks grown up, where as I dont look grown up.

I hate it. I'm trying so hard to be happy but she's just being awful. She says sarcastic comments about my friends. If they have relationship issues or life issues she's got her opinions. I've recently been chatting to a woman more regularly that I was friends with years back. My mum has now started mocking the stuff we've spoken about. This friend told me (whether you believe or not) that her other friends having some spooky stuff going on in her house and has moved into her mums. My mum spent the next day saying me pictures of her lamp in the window saying she could see weird lights in the sky. The next day she said to me that she had made it up and that's what people do. Put stuff online to pretend it scared them.

I'm really fed up of her. She speaks to me like rubbish

Block her altogether. She sounds awful. If she asks, be honest, tell her that her unpleasant comments were not what you wanted to see on your social media. That you’re not interested with sharing your photos and moments in life with someone who just uses them to be nasty.
Realistically, I would also seriously cut back on my contact with her. I wouldn’t be going to visit her just to sit there and have her make me feel bad about myself, that’s for sure!
It’s absolutely okay for you to cut her out altogether, she’s bringing no joy to your life. Only you can make that decision of course, but it wouldn’t make you a bad person.

Why don’t you show your dad the comments she has written. When you are at their house next say in front of him “oh mum I was a bit upset about that comment you made on my picture the other day …” the. Get out the phone and read it “did you see it dad, here look”.

I will be blunt tho op I find it unlikely that your dad hasn’t notice the distain, unless he is really physically and/or emotionally removed from her/the family.

Anyhow you have my sympathy’s as someone who has my own very negative mother. The only thing that will change the situation is your actions though. You need to protect yourself by limiting her access to you and your information.

@Endlesslypatient82 completely wrong thread 🤦🏼‍♀️

Have reported

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she will continue to do similar harm to your kids if you remain in any form of contact with her or for that matter your dad.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, its unlikely so stop with tolerating this from your mother. She is no different.

Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.
It is not beyond the realms of possibility that your mother has a type of personality disorder. Narcissistic women like your mother cannot do relationships so their men are either just like them or are otherwise discarded. Her H has been the weak bystander her to his wife's abuses of you and he really cannot be at all relied upon either. He has also enabled her to do this and has failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviours.

14 year olds are adding you on Facebook?

Anyways. After a whole lifetime of this it’s time to accept her behaviour towards you is never likely to change. Reduce contact with her to just when it’s really needed e.g. annual family events such as birthdays, Easter, Christmas. Don’t contact her in your normal day to day life. If she contacts you, MN often recommends Grey rock approach, look it up.

Good luck

You are a grown woman with 2 children, but in your posts you sound like a child. It’s time to grow up, and stop being beholden to what your mother says.

You can decide who sees what on Facebook, who can comment, who you see, and who you don’t see. Even better than that, you can decide what to do with the words they say. I am the child of a narccisit, and you know what I do when they start ? I walk out / hang up.

The past is in the past - if you can’t afford counselling, there are some great books out there, to help you process … you just have to decide what you want in the future.

Your focus should be on providing a healthy and supportive environment for your children , as a grown, adult woman. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be ?

Hello I think I have massively reuced my contact over the years and I don't visit really. Just to clean. She behaves when dad's around. I think I tolerate her so my kids have family. Plus I coudkbt really cut her off as My dad would defend her. He is aware of her. For example I said to them both My daughters school report said she's extremely compassionate and i thought that was a really nice thing to read. My mum said yeah they are saying she's dopey like her mum. My dad said to me infront of her you won't get a compliment from her.
So he must know. 🤔

I Do appreciate the suggestion to make my photo completely blank of fb but why should I gave to? I want people to see who I am. I use it for the school class page etc too. Plus I don't want to hide myself away as that's letting her win. But I do block her from all other content. She now only sees public content and photos I can't hide like profile updates. But that's it. Its her behaviour on other peoples pages that I'm currently seeing. It does seem there's something going on underneath for sure. Not normal at all.

Thank you for your help. I definitely need to tighten up what I let her know. It's just so easy to talk about stuff when I take the kids up. You end up saying what you have been doing. But I need to certainly keep it in.

Maybe it is the new me qs you say . I'm not that confident but I've made peace with myself and can feel my life experience has started to help me worry less and be more happy with myself now.

Another one here with a weird Mum.

She can’t stand that I’ve lost weight and I’m now slimmer than her. It’s like she’s in competition with me. She’s always loved nothing more than to put me down, if I turned up to a family meal out, she’d find something about my appearance to criticise; how I’ve done my hair, my make up, being too pale, looking dark around my eyes, needing some Botox, should have worn heels, didn’t need tights with that outfit, put some fake tan on, etc etc. Now she seems me 6ft and slim. (Essentially the physical appearance that she always told me I needed to get to) she’s running out of things to criticise me for, but it still hasn’t made her happy to see me thriving or “perfect” how she wanted me to be. Now she sees herself in my shadow and isn’t happy about that either. Weird comments about clothes size, telling me she ordered a leather jacket in a size 16, but when she sees mine is a 14 she will say “oh no, hang on, mines a 12 actually” - strange behaviour.

I think mine is a narcissist, and I don’t think she had the warmest or most loving upbringing herself. Coupled with having me at 19, I don’t think she ever got to become her own full secure standalone person, she went straight from being an extension of her mother, to having me as an extension of her and the lines have become blurred for her. She cannot be challenged on any of it because she says I’m being sensitive or spikey, or that she’s just concerned for me.

"I think I tolerate her so my kids have family".

Your children need emotionally healthy role models to be around them. None of your family members are safe enough to be around. Contact with these people will harm them.

"Plus I coudkbt really cut her off as My dad would defend her".

Of course he would because he chose to marry her and in a straight fight he would choose her over you. He would rather keep on throwing you under the bus so he does not cop her barbed comments re yourself that he is also fully aware of.

Put your mother on a complete information diet. Narcissists do not like boundaries and will actively rail against any you care to set. You need to be aware also that it is not possible to have a relationship with someone like this at all.

Yea op absolutely block her off everything. I’m not sure if you can see peoples comments if their blocked but if you do don’t comment on the same thread, reply or leave any trace that you might have seen her comments.

I agree with the previous poster about looking up the grey rock method. I also think planning ahead how you will respond to things is helpful so you aren’t ‘caught out’.

you say you go there to clean? Do you mean you do cleaning for them paid or something?

My dad said to me infront of her you won't get a compliment from her.
So he must know. 🤔

Course he does and I think you need to recognise that he also has been complicit in her behaviour and isn’t as supportive as he might seem.

good luck op. Sounds like your doing the hard work of making changing to improve you life. Sounds like you have already done a lot and seen the improvement. Keep going with it!!

And resign your role as their cleaner with immediate effect!. You do not have to keep beholding yourself to her any more; take some power back and reclaim your life.

I would also suggest you read "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina W Brown and "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

@ExtraOnion

That's what I said further up. It reads so childish. I'm not at all that person. I just want to be respected and treated like a normal 34 year old. She treats me Like a child still. She digs at me and makes remarks hidden in words others won't understand. She wants to say what she thinks to my friends because she thinks they are silly girls aswel. Because they are looking for boyfriends or whatever. She doesn't understand we are young and it's natural to want a relationship etc. She thinks we should be content washing up and being single. She is a nightmare.

I have plenty of ideas now my sons going to school and I'm not unwell anymore. I want to find some par time work and do a health and social care course as I worked in pharmacy and end of life home care before My children. I want to eventually meet someone and I would like to get a dog when I can to continue my walking interest.

I am actually a really positive person but it's hard because she has made me feel for years I'm not allowed to be like other women and I'm not like other women. She doesn't think i am capable or allowed to be a certain type of woman.

I'm doing my very best and I don't constantly dwell. It's just yesterday her saying I looked game. She's basically saying I look up for it. Not the words you want to hear from your mother.

And my mum likes to ingratiate herself with the strangest choices of people. My cousin/dads niece who’s family my mum has had nothing to do with since she separated from my dad 28 years ago. She’s been round to my cousins grandparents house for coffee even though even 28 years ago, she’d have only seen these people at weddings or funerals.

A few years ago I had quite a final falling out with one of my female friendship groups over very extravagant costs for attending both a hen do and wedding abroad, none of them had bothered with me in months, and for some reason assumed I’d still be forking out in the region of £4K for all the costs of attending both trips, I said I wouldn’t be doing that since you’ve all basically shunned me and nobody spoke to me ever again after that. My mum still socialises with them all on Facebook, updates me on how their kids are doing, whether they’ve lost or gained weight, etc. I don’t know what goes through her head, I think she feels elevated somehow by the fact that they don’t bother with me, but they’ll passively accept her FB likes and haven’t deleted her. It validates her.

"I just want to be respected and treated like a normal 34 year old. She treats me Like a child still".

Its in her interests to do that. She will never respect you and or treat you as you should be. You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

She also treats you like an extension of her and you are not allowed to be you in her world. BACP have therapists and their charges can be on a sliding scale; I would have a look at their website to see if you can find someone in your area. Interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any one particular therapist. I would also look at Dr Ramani on Youtube.

What is going on with her is not the relevant bit - she could have one or all of a variety of things going on with her.

The relevant bit is this:

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Cut her out. Don’t even tell her you’re doing it. And then cut out any flying monkeys she sends.

Block block block.

Do not let her of her croanies (and they’ll come out of the woodwork in full force if you cut her off) into your life. At all.

like a vampire, she feeds off the responses she gets from others. I’m your case it’s knowing she’s made you feel small/invisible/undeserving.

cut her out and don’t look in the rear view mirror as you move off into your new life without her - you’re not going that way.

Cleaning my dad pays me £100 a month which really helps. But I will be looking for more work now my sons of to school. Yeah I just can't work out what dad thinks or knows. But perhaps ypu are correct. He isn't on social media so he's very old school.

I will continue hiding as many posts as possible.

I will look at the books thank you. Isn't grey rocking just being neutral and not responding? It's hard not to think what is your problem with me what have I ever done to you.

@ZealAndArdour
Yeah that's exactly it. I've been wearing my skirts alot lately and noticed she's always wearing hers now. I wore jeggings the other week and tshirt and trainers. It got hotter in the afternoon but it was OK. She said to me I don't know how you sit around all day in jeans. I was thinking sit around all day haha.
Its awful isn't it. I nearly died in November. Lost 2 3rds of good blood. When I got to a&e they said if I hadn't gone in when I did eventually I'd have just gone to sleep or collapsed. They had to scan my heart before giving me bloods because it could have been already damaged. I was loosing weight fast and it wasn't because I was enjoying life or eating a new diet. My organs were shutting down. You'd think me being alive and energised would make her happy. I remember coming out of hospital and going round my boyfriends for 2 days to rest and my ex had the kids. My mum said you'd think you'd go be with your kids and get the house sorted not go off to his house. It hurt me so much. She just wanted me back at my sink. Being like her.

I'm so glad you are doing better and well done on the weight loss. I think it's extremely difficult to feel good when you feel guilty for doing so.

i had a toxic mother —- she did a lot of the things yours does.
You won’t change her so change how you deal with her.
Cut your contact right down and make sure any contact is on your terms, to your time availability. PPs have said how to restrict FB posts and photos do do that first.
See your mother and sister as little as possible, make it brief, a coffee only and then it’s bye, have a lovely day—- don’t even go into where you’re going , what you’re doing. The less you give them the less they can jibe about. Meet on neutral territory, coffee shop or park, or go to her so you can leave. If she starts taking potshots at you smile, tinkly little laugh and oh mum you are funny in yoyr ways…. And leave.
My life improved radically when I went NC but we lived a few hours drive apart so that helped!

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I have watched her videos to male sense of my ex so I Will look for a mother one. Thank you. Your words in your posts male complete sense and thank you. I think it will be worth seeing what else their is price wise and perhaps I can afford the odd session soon. It is something perhaps I need to get out. 😔

@ZealAndArdour

That's truthfully awful she's still talking to those people on fb. My mums so false on fb. She's getting worse with putting kisses to people. I feel like saying to her just be normal and take your defences down. I dont know what happened other than her first marriage being rubbish. She speaks highly of my grandma. Not sure what my mums sisters are like with their kids.. but my dad's got 8 siblings and they are all very hands on with family life. Help their kids. Babysit the grandkids. Very involved. So my dad comes from a family of it. I think it's my mum I really do.

She sounds narcissistic to me. Personally I would go no contact or at least very restricted. My heart really goes out to you, she sounds very unkind 😢

This is where I got to with my mother

it became obvious that she’d do anything to ruin anything good, and anything to prolong/increase anything bad going on for me

were NC now. It’s better

Your mom sounds like a nasty fucking bitch. Sorry but I could not have that in my life. She sounds very jealous and spiteful and hateful. And to be so vile to her own child. What hope Does anyone else havE. She should grow up. I would personally not have her in my life or really limit my contact / conversations with her.

Maybe come off
Facebook! I am not on it and am quite glad TBH! Your Mum sounds jealous and resentful of you and your youth.At 34 you are half her age and she is 70 an older woman! Maybe disengage a little ? Many people say to go NC but this is easier said than done .Your Dad sounds nice but a little soft maybe . She has severe problems by the sounds of it!

You have all these plans for your future, OP. Don't tell her any of them.

I was dealing with a similar problem a couple of years ago, and I first cut off from the people; and next I pursued a particular talent of mine and got professional mentoring. It was very gratifying, all the more because they were unaware.
The best revenge is living well, as they say.