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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve posted already but I’m so unsure if this is all my fault

32 replies

quizzyquizzy2 · 02/09/2022 18:34

I’m really sorry I’ve posted a few times but I’m in a really bad place. I honestly don’t know if he is the dickhead here or me. People are telling me mixed things.

I’ll try and keep this short… My ex and I were together for 11 months. I was really struggling with my mental health and always asked for reassurance, took everything personally and he told me it was draining but he’d never leave me.

He was pretty quick moving so some people said that he was obsessed with the idea of the perfect relationship, and not me. He said he loved me after 2 weeks.

He was extremely loving to me, he used to say things like “it’s always been us” “I’m proud of you” “you’re beautiful”. He was very supportive of my mental health difficulties and always bigged me up. It got to the point where he was honest with me that it was draining but he’d stick by me.

We had a blip the night before my birthday (lol) where we got very drunk, I became upset because I thought I’d upset him, and I cried a lot. He said he couldn’t handle it and left me crying in my flat at 3am, got his parents to pick him up. He ignored me on my birthday and cancelled my presents. He panicked and ended things, but said 3 days later he didn’t mean it and just wanted to help me.

3 months later, he then offered for me to move into his parents house so we could save for our house. I was so excited but always said there was no pressure. He said it was all he wanted and was really excited.

So I moved in. I was still struggling a bit with anxiety and sometimes I asked him for a lot of reassurance.

Not even 11 days later, he ends it. Said he wanted me to move in because he thought I’d become “less needy”. I was completely in shock and it ended so quickly. I wrote a letter because what we had was so loving, but I never even got a response.

I bump into him 2 weeks later and he is extremely flirty with me, then apologised to me for leading me on.

He didn’t unfollow me or anything. No contact. 2 months later, I ask him for coffee. He said “sorry, it’s gonna be a no, hope you’re ok though”.

I know a lot of the problems were my fault, I could be very exhausting and anxious. But the way he dealt with it wasn’t great. Am I better off?

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 02/09/2022 18:38

… walk away … you are never getting back together. Spend some time working on your anxiety, maybe see a counsellor

Original poster
quizzyquizzy2 · 02/09/2022 19:52

Oh no I know that, Im in therapy too - I just have no idea how to feel as people tell me different and I keep feeling up and down

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 02/09/2022 19:56

You were needy, now becoming obsessed with it rather than moving on. Get help for your MH and don't attempt to date anyone until you've sorted yourself out. Nobody wants the job of propping up someone's self esteem 24/7. It doesn't work anyway, you have to develop it yourself rather than pinning it on others, this is why it's harder to be without him, you should never look for validation in others, as that's why you are left devastated.

BakersYeast · 02/09/2022 19:56

It sounds to me that he wanted to support you initially but it was just too much for him.

Dragonskin · 02/09/2022 19:58

I have to agree with ExtraOnion, walk away. Block him/unfollow him from all social media and forget he exists.

It doesn't really matter who did what/said what, it sounds like a deeply unhealthy relationship from both sides - his love bombing and your neediness are a terrible combination and everything moving so fast and being so volatile is never going to help someone with any kind of mental health issues

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 20:00

At least you know now. You have the answer you needed from the last thread.

Haus1234 · 02/09/2022 20:00

It doesn’t matter at all whose fault it was but it was an unhealthy relationship and you are better off away from it.

Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2022 21:03

What are you actually asking OP?

Are you better off without someone who doesn’t want to be with you? 100% yes.

However it sounds like you need to solve some personal stuff before going near relationships.

Asking for constant reassurance is exhausting and will drive someone decent away or send you headfirst into an abusive relationship.

Unfollow him, block him, move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2022 21:09

You’re not ready to be in any sort of relationship and he seemed naive/optimistic/flattered but equally panicked by your neediness. You’re bad news for each other. And you’re not accepting it’s in the past which you really need to do asap.

I don’t know how old you are but stuff like this:

We had a blip the night before my birthday (lol) where we got very drunk, I became upset because I thought I’d upset him, and I cried a lot.

is just not okay. It’s extremely manipulative and verging on unhinged.

Carry on with the therapy and stay single till you’re in a healthier place.

WTF475878237NC · 02/09/2022 21:14

You're not ok enough in yourself to see the wood for the trees here. Focus on getting well and learning to meet your own emotional needs in healthy not dependent ways. Do not find a partner until you can cope and thrive as a single woman.

Facecream · 02/09/2022 21:15

Well, now you know how he feels and he doesn’t want to be with you. You will get over it OP.
Try building up your self esteem and confidence- do little challenges and see them through.
When you are stronger you can start to date - someone else

catandcoffee · 02/09/2022 21:15

OP yes you're better off at this time.

Just concentrate on yourself ,and getting support with your anxiety. 💐

FitFat · 02/09/2022 21:15

He sounds like a terrible human! You are well rid.

Good luck with gaining confidence and self esteem xx

BeggarsMeddle · 02/09/2022 21:21

He got his mum and dad to come and collect him? Hmm...

Iknowthis1 · 02/09/2022 21:23

Run.

Original poster
quizzyquizzy2 · 02/09/2022 23:02

Yeah he got them to pick him up, bearing in mind I was drunk and alone in my flat lol. Ignored me on my birthday the next morning

OP posts:
Raul57 · 02/09/2022 23:16

Only you can save yourself from people like that. The choice is yours!
Sorry for being brutal but I've seen it first hand many times via family etc.

I've met loud and very assertive people that promise to kick out their OH if they ever cheated and the like. Sadly, when the OH leaves/cheats or worse, the one left behind is rarely prepared.

Do yourself a big favour and move on with your life and never look back.

Btw, do not fall for the first nice/sweet talker etc, get over this ... first and then move on

Goodluck

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/09/2022 23:19

He sounds like a complete dick and I think you've had a narrow escape. For god's sake though he called his mum and dad to pick him up? I would lose all respect for him over that.

You were just asking for problems moving in with them afterwards.

DatingDinosaur · 02/09/2022 23:38

You pushed him away with your constant need for reassurance, which he gave, but you never believed.

The final straw for him was the day before your birthday when he realised that no amount of reassurance was ever going to be enough for you.

Sorry OP. It really is time to let him go and work on yourself Flowers

Original poster
quizzyquizzy2 · 02/09/2022 23:58

I’m really just regretting that I feel like I’ve thrown away a gooden :/

OP posts:
EverythingHeadinSouth · 03/09/2022 00:04

quizzyquizzy2 · 02/09/2022 23:58

I’m really just regretting that I feel like I’ve thrown away a gooden :/

You haven't.

Reading your posts I would say it is not a case of whether you or he was at fault, it is both of you in your own different ways. You both sound incredibly immature and neither of you are ready for a serious relationship. Stop worrying about him though and focus on yourself.

ClaryFairchild · 03/09/2022 00:20

He's not a good one, although TBF until you address some of your issues, relationship wise neither are you. Together I can imagine you were a nightmare, a really, really bad combination.

Block him, delete his number, and get some therapy for yourself, and learn to stop needing "constant reassurance" from people.

Original poster
quizzyquizzy2 · 03/09/2022 00:23

I’ve been working on myself a lot, had therapy for the last 3 months and am a lot happier in myself. It’s just dealing with the guilt that I didn’t do it earlier

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 03/09/2022 01:03

Forget the relation, it's history.

Focus on you, sounds like work to be done.

alwaysmovingforwards · 03/09/2022 01:03

Should say relationship!

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