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Relationships

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I could do with your take on this...

39 replies

Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 16:19

Hi, this is my first post so please try and be nice to me.

I'm fairly new to the dating game after a hideous split from my ex 2 years ago. After hearing so many unpleasant things about OLD, I decided to join a dating agency.

Lo and behold they matched me with this man and he got in contact with me (we are both 50 years old, so not kids!). We arranged to have a date and it went really well and he asked me out on another one. He booked to take me to dinner and we had another great date. We had so much in common, we had good banter and he seemed extremely keen.

We then couldn't meet the following week because I had friends to stay, we were in contact each day and a few times he asked to speak with me on the phone, this wasn't always possible as I had lots of people around me but I did always make an effort to call him back if I didn't answer.

He was hugely complimentary about me and said that he really enjoyed talking with me as I made him feel like he could be himself and that it just felt natural. He fed back to the agency that he'd had two great dates with me, found me very attractive and that I had good banter. We tried to meet up before he then went on holiday but he then said he wouldn't have time because work had gotten really busy and was I OK with that because it would be quite a long time until we met again. Of course I said I was OK with it because there wasn't really any other choice and I didn't want to come over all demanding!

On the Friday we exchanged texts in the morning and I went off to have the day with my friends. He text me in the evening to saying "You're very quiet" followed by "Are you having a good night?". I didn't reply until the following morning as I had left my phone in a friend's car. I joked and said 'Ahh did you miss me?!" and he replied "Yeah right" followed up with "I love talking to you when I can get a word in edgeways!". I said next time he can do the talking when we speak.

He phone me that night so I let him do the talking although it has to be said he was pretty hungover as he'd been to a party. I mentioned that I might be down nearer his way the next day as I needed to drop my son off (we live about 90 minutes apart currently although he is moving nearer me). He said to let him know if I was as he might try and come up and meet me so I left the call feeling buoyant that he seemed really keen and I really liked him too.

The next day I sent him a message around midday saying "Feeling more human?" to which he replied "Yes I am thanks", this for him was a pretty short reply, there was none of his usual warmth or a follow up question to invoke conversation. I then went on to send another one saying that I'm not coming down his way today but did he want to chat later (he had always asked if I wanted to chat, so I felt it was only fair to balance it out by asking him). His replay was "I'll be out later" - again, nothing like his usual banter and easy conversation. To be honest, I felt really confused and dare I say it a little bit hurt by these curt replies so sent one back saying "I sense from your short answers that perhaps this has run it's course, I really enjoyed meeting you though" to which he replied "I feel it has, take care". I was completely stunned by his response given his level of contact during the week - it just didn't make any sense to me.

The agency contacted me to ask how things were progressing so I rang and told them what happened and that I was very confused. They were very confused too as they said they felt very excited about our match and that he had given really positive feedback. They explained that they had heard from him and he'd said that he decided not to progress it but that it ended amicably. I explained to the lady about the text I had sent and she felt that perhaps he'd taken it the wrong way and that I was finishing it and that his ego had perhaps gotten in the way so he fired off a curt response back. I can tell from talking to him and he is a real 'man's man' so perhaps he didn't take well to my message and now I feel stupid for sending it as I just reacted quickly based off of his short replies. I did explain that I had expressed to him that this was based on his short replies to me but she said some man don't really pick up on the nuances of things that we might do as women.

She thinks I should message him so that I know once and for all if it was a miscommunication or indeed he just kind of switched off his feelings over night. I explained that I would feel really crappy if he just blew me out again or worried that I might come across as some kind of bunny boiler which she laughed at. Or even worse, what if he ignored me!!

I sent the message over two weeks ago and to be honest I have really missed our chats and banter and feel like we may have missed an opportunity to at least explore what it might have been a bit more before cutting it dead.

Any of your insights to this tediously long post would be much appreciated as I am stuck wondering if I should or not as I can't work out if he just suddenly went cold or something else was going on.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 16:32

To be honest, I felt really confused and dare I say it a little bit hurt by these curt replies so sent one back saying "I sense from your short answers that perhaps this has run it's course, I really enjoyed meeting you though" to which he replied "I feel it has, take care". I was completely stunned by his response

It does sound like you jumped the gun a bit from two short messages. You've no idea what was going on for him or why he sent short messages. Anything could have been happening.

When you were quiet, he asked if everything was OK. Your jump to was to end it and then seem surprised when he agreed. What response did you expect?

Pineappleskies · 02/09/2022 16:33

Oh bless you.

I can't think what's gone on with him...it does seem like a sudden change of heart without any clear reason...perhaps he has issues you are unaware of.

Did he refuse to give any reason to the agency?

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 16:35

given his level of contact during the week - it just didn't make any sense to me.

So why end it? Why would you not ask if everything was OK or leave until later in the day to see what happened?

Tbh, if I'd been in your shoes, my first thought would have been that he was in the middle of something.

I know I can't always give a detailed response. I wouldn't be impressed if the first time I'd been a bit rubbish with messages someone dumped me. I'd probably think I'd had a lucky escape 🤷🏻‍♀️

Beachlovingirl · 02/09/2022 16:36

I am thinking either he thought he was putting in more than you and eventually got hacked off.
or he met someone else through the dating agency/other dating methods he uses

Why not send a friendly text, be honest and say you miss him, and ask what he’s been up to over the last couple of weeks.

If you get no reply then no need to keep wondering what if.
If you get a short reply I would take that as an opportunity to keep the comms open and maybe you should put more effort your messages to see if things can pick up again - if that’s what you want.

Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 16:41

@GreyCarpet that's what I am now thinking, I did totally jump the gun. I suppose in my mind I didn't see my message as ending it as that was not my intention.

OP posts:
Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 16:44

@Beachlovingirl on our second date he made a point of saying that he wasn't on any dating apps and that it was important that I knew that as there wasn't any point in us meeting otherwise. He did go to a party on the Saturday night before he went cold and I think my thought was that he'd met someone there although if that was the case I don't see why he would have asked if to chat to me.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 16:47

Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 16:41

@GreyCarpet that's what I am now thinking, I did totally jump the gun. I suppose in my mind I didn't see my message as ending it as that was not my intention.

What was your intention then?

Because, tbh, if someone had said they thought it had run its course but it had been nice to meet me, I'd take that as them blowing me out and I'd reply similarly to he did.

He probably thought his response was just dignified in the face of yours.

Because of it wasn't your intention to end it, your message could be read as 'game playing'.

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 16:50

If I'm honest, I do think you jumped the gun but I think you did so because you've been hurt in the past and are protecting yourself against that happening again.

He may even have realised that and, having gone to the effort and expense of a dating agency, is probably a bit more selective than your average man on PoF!

Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 16:55

@GreyCarpet I think I was fishing in a very stupid way to find out why his answers were so short and just assumed the worst. Because I led with I'm sensing from your short answers that this has perhaps run it's course, I feel like I was giving him an opportunity to say why instead of what I should have done is just ask him.

I do feel like it gave him an opportunity to say, 'What? I'm super busy, that's why they are short!', I felt a bit like he was gameplaying a bit by simply saying "I'll be out later" but perhaps that is just my insecurities coming out.

OP posts:
Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 17:01

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 16:50

If I'm honest, I do think you jumped the gun but I think you did so because you've been hurt in the past and are protecting yourself against that happening again.

He may even have realised that and, having gone to the effort and expense of a dating agency, is probably a bit more selective than your average man on PoF!

That is exactly why I did it, I was protecting myself because I was hurt very badly.

This agency is nothing like POF! To be fair, both of us probably aren't the usual type that join this kind of agency which is why I couldn't believe my luck when they matched us.

I am so full of regret right now!

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 02/09/2022 17:01

Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 16:41

@GreyCarpet that's what I am now thinking, I did totally jump the gun. I suppose in my mind I didn't see my message as ending it as that was not my intention.

I think it's fair to say that your message did look like you were ending it.

And then maybe his pride banged the nail into the coffin.

Live and learn eh, onto the next one!

Wildflowerbeauty · 02/09/2022 17:01

He’s a game player I think . But if you really really doubt what you said then tex something like ‘ hi, how are you . You fancy a chat ?’ If he doesn’t answer then he’s a gamer. If he’s cold then he’s not worth your time . Don’t build your hopes up , just look to get closure . But I honestly think he’s a player and a game player

Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 17:05

Wildflowerbeauty · 02/09/2022 17:01

He’s a game player I think . But if you really really doubt what you said then tex something like ‘ hi, how are you . You fancy a chat ?’ If he doesn’t answer then he’s a gamer. If he’s cold then he’s not worth your time . Don’t build your hopes up , just look to get closure . But I honestly think he’s a player and a game player

I have considered this but to be honest, he's a good looking bloke with a lot going for him. However, I don't see why he'd spend north of £5k with a dating agency if he was a player as he could totally clean up online!

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 02/09/2022 17:10

I'd say you dodged a bullet here, onto the next.

I think his ego is definitely a little bit too fragile, he didn't like that you were out busy having fun with your friends and didn't make it down to see him, rather than pouring all your attention into him. He sounds a bit needy and fragile and "mans' man" is just a bit of a cop out for shit behaviour in my book.

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 17:10

Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 16:55

@GreyCarpet I think I was fishing in a very stupid way to find out why his answers were so short and just assumed the worst. Because I led with I'm sensing from your short answers that this has perhaps run it's course, I feel like I was giving him an opportunity to say why instead of what I should have done is just ask him.

I do feel like it gave him an opportunity to say, 'What? I'm super busy, that's why they are short!', I felt a bit like he was gameplaying a bit by simply saying "I'll be out later" but perhaps that is just my insecurities coming out.

It's hard isn't it?

I would always say that, when it comes to playing games, the other person is going to be following their rule book and not yours.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I can completely understand why you picked up.on the change, but I'd probably have left it then and messaged later asking how he was.

Wildflowerbeauty

Except that the OP admits she was playing games herself.

Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 17:17

GreenManalishi · 02/09/2022 17:10

I'd say you dodged a bullet here, onto the next.

I think his ego is definitely a little bit too fragile, he didn't like that you were out busy having fun with your friends and didn't make it down to see him, rather than pouring all your attention into him. He sounds a bit needy and fragile and "mans' man" is just a bit of a cop out for shit behaviour in my book.

I really don't think that he was bothered that I was out with my friends, he never came across as needy to me. He had his own stuff going on, it wasn't like he was sat at home waiting for my messages or for me to call from what I can gauge from him.

When I said I was around for a call later, he did make a joke a few hours later saying did he have to wait for a Teams invite for us to speak but I know that he didn't mean it!

OP posts:
GlassofWaterAgai · 02/09/2022 17:19

I think you jumped the gun a bit! I think if someone had sent me a text to say 'I think this has run its course' I would definitely dive into 'preserving dignity mode' and respond with 'yes, you're right'.

When one of my relationships broke up, he started with the whole 'I'm not sure I love you any more. What do you feel?' And even though I really loved him, I went straight to 'yeah, I've not been feeling it for a while either'. All I could think about was not letting him think he'd hurt me. Probably a stupid, immature thing to do but that was my gut response.

If you decide to message him, it could go several different ways but it might also go in your favour. Be prepared for all eventualities but if it were me, I'd probably send a friendly message. He might not reply or he might reply negatively but either way, you'll have your answer.

CantFindTheBeat · 02/09/2022 17:22

I think he's probably got someone else he's more into, I'm sorry to say.

His short responses that are a different style to his earlier messages do seem to show a lack of disinterest.

If you do really want to find out for certain, there is no harm in sending an olive-branch message as long as you're strong enough to withstand no response.

Something like: I was thinking about you the other day. Do you fancy meeting up at some point?

You'll get a yes, a no or a nothing. Not that bad, in my book.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 02/09/2022 17:41

5 THOUSAND quid to join a dating site? Seriously?

Palmtreesprings · 02/09/2022 17:47

Ohahjustalittlebit · 02/09/2022 17:41

5 THOUSAND quid to join a dating site? Seriously?

It’s not a bog standard dating site, no one would pay that much money for that.

OP posts:
SenoritaNaturista · 02/09/2022 18:06

If he is heading off on holiday now - wish him a good flight
If he is already there - ask him how it’s going
…and suggest meeting up to do (something or a venue you suggest) when he gets back 😃

Ofcourseshecan · 02/09/2022 18:20

SenoritaNaturista · 02/09/2022 18:06

If he is heading off on holiday now - wish him a good flight
If he is already there - ask him how it’s going
…and suggest meeting up to do (something or a venue you suggest) when he gets back 😃

Good idea. Or this,
Why not send a friendly text, be honest and say you miss him, and ask what he’s been up to over the last couple of weeks.

Nolosomi · 02/09/2022 18:26

Is just message him and be totally honest, that you’d taken his cool responses to mean he’s easing off and that you regret your wording of your last message (as it did sound like you were ending it). Ask him if he was going off the idea of dating you, because if not you’d like to catch up as you miss him. You have nothing to lose.

SettingsO · 02/09/2022 18:37

You don’t have anything to loose by sending one last friendly text. I wouldn’t normally encourage chasing a man, but I do feel that you were in the wrong to end it so suddenly, and for no reason, so it is for you to do a little chasing, if anyone is to.

Suzi888 · 02/09/2022 18:43

Sounds like hard work to me, I’d leave things as they are personally. Or be honest and text him and say you miss him- there’s nothing to lose.

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