Can I just ghost him at this point as everything with him and I is a drag? Advice?

[tanperception]

Had been talking to him for a few weeks/a month before meeting. We went out for dinner together a few days ago and all went well. Kissed at the end. Texted me when we got home. Said he's glad he's met a woman who likes similar things. Said he found me even more attractive in person. Wanted to see me a few days later to do something together, I agreed but then I had too much going on with work so he suggested we maybe save it for the weekend. He also asked if I would be free this weekend as his friends have an event on. I don't see anything inherently wrong with this, however, previously dated someone and I met his friends quite early on, it didn't last and he was also seeing other people unknown to me.

Before we met, he would talk about what we should be doing for our second date, like going to the beach etc. I'm not sure if this is an issue but we hadn't even met, who is to say we would get along? Wondering if he's doing this to get in the sack quickly as I didn't sleep with him on the first date/as we did have some sexual messages exchanged prior. Things over text got a bit heated when we got home too and even sent me a photo of some toys he would like us to get. In one of the other message, that was slightly sexual he said he wants his 'partner' to be satisfied.

He did mention jokingly before our date that dinner should be quick and straight to dessert, however, the night before I did sort of get a bit sexual. Did text me after saying it was good to get to know me.
As I was supposed to attend a few weeks ago for his friend's birthday, I just suggested we do something one on one soon. He said I was still welcome to come and I just said that I would be having a family thing in the end. We were messaging throughout the day and he asked me for a website of something I bought something from but you have to download an app to use it. I just said I could buy it for him (it was about the price of the dinner he paid for on our first date), he said he would owe me back but I said not to worry, it was a few hundred bucks. I joked that we forgot to buy something else and he said we could get it on the way home tonight (weeks ago) after I picked him up from his friend's birthday. When I made it pretty clear that I couldn't do that as I was at home with my family. I didn't say this but then thought of it after, seems a bit demanding. I just sort of said I'd like to and would do it another time. He opened the message but didn't respond. I'm just not sure I like where this is heading.

Lately, he won't message for days or a week, and then when I do respond, which may be a bit later, he hardly gives me time to respond and then will message again. So he double messaged again last night asking if I want to do something with him soon. I respond and ask about a day and then he pulls back. This is not making my interest skyrocket any further, rather, I am getting increasingly frustrated. I've sort of told him previously of my concerns that I'm not sure if I'm fully into it and he said he understood (that was a week ago). And I told him that he was overstepping the mark by expecting me to come and pick him up. Anyway, he responds by saying he 'should' be free on Monday, again, had done this previously with the use of 'should'. Bit strange. I intentionally didn't open the message as I found it frustrating.

As I hadn't opened the message earlier today, he randomly sends me a photo of some gym girl that sort of looks similar to me and says 'Is this you?' and says that my muscles are 'coming' along. And then randomly again a plan of us doing a gym session. I can't keep up with this. It also signals to me that the other plans he just spoke of last night had no meaning unless I'm just some weirdo and that he just wants attention/affirmation.

Advice?

TL;DR I've had one date with this guy and I am not that into it. I've expressed concerns but am unsure if I can just ghost him at this point. He's reasonably attractive but we are different. He has tattoos, I don't. I have a degree, he doesn't. Find him reasonably kind but there are no fireworks.

@Introvertedandalone I didn't say there is anything inherently wrong about it and that you cannot be intelligent if you do have them, but personally am not the biggest fan. Why am I getting judged for something being adverse to them and someone without a degree? Both things are important to me and I have every right to think that way. You may not want to be with someone with blonde hair, for example - don't see why you should be judged by feeling that way. Bit absurd.

@Itwasntright thank you. Yes, it's definitely what I thought as well - just any attempt to get me to respond to something. The girl was sort of famous, not someone he knows personally. But it felt like somewhat of a neg.

I see your point, but to me it seems a very material representation with which you judge someone’s intellect and character. People can be very intelligent, good company, able to hold their own in a conversation, etc. without a degree - it doesn’t necessarily mean they couldn’t have achieved one, they may have just chosen another path. Equally, someone could be very attractive and also have a tattoo.

I suppose your preconceptions about what category someone might fit into may unwarrantedly exclude some people who’s personality is very compatible with you and with whom you could have a good relationship. Perhaps like your current partner - perhaps not.

You liken it to me automatically ruling out someone with blonde hair; I just can’t get my head round that as an approach either. People are unique and the man of my dreams may very well turn out to be blonde. I wouldn’t know until I knew if we “clicked” personality wise.

We’re all different, though, and you’re just as entitled to your approach as I am to mine. I think it might be worth considering whether you could see past the tattoos and lack of degree and assess his looks, intellect and personality for what they are. Perhaps then you still won’t be interested, and that’s fine, but these small material things aren’t a person. They’re just things.

That’s true, but there’s still no reason not to end it with some basic manners and tell him that it’s over.

There’s going to be a correlation between people who think that this is acceptable behaviour and people who end up single and ending up on online dating.

It’s no surprise that people with no manners or basic human decency end up single.

@Introvertedandalone I just gave an example of something you may not be into, I'm not accusing you of anything. I think this communication is heading in a strange direction. Also, I DID say he is attractive in my post. So yes, someone can be attractive with tattoos. What is your point, really?

Oh my days, the drama!

No, it's not ok to ghost him. Surely, with your degree and all 🙄, you know that's an unacceptable way to treat someone?

I think he's dodged a bullet...

I think this is often the problem with written communication, it loses the intended tone which in my case was kind and not adversarial.

you asked if you should split up with this guy. I was merely pointing out that the material differences you noticed between you MAY be worth overlooking if you believe your personalities are compatible and you have a good time with him. That you find him attractive despite the tattoos which you dislike is evidence of that. equally you may decide that you don’t get on with him well enough to form a long term relationship- that’s just as valid.

Either way, if you’re going to split up with him please do it kindly. Ghosting him may be something he can just roll with but it may cause him extreme hurt, and you have no way of knowing afterwards what damage you’ve done.

I wouldn't ghost but would be honest about not seeing a future. I would do this face to face or at least over a phone call. These matters need an actual conversion, unless one of the parties is at risk of harm because of it.

After the chat block and move on.

@Introvertedandalone thanks. I completely agree with you, however, what you stated I mentioned in my post anyway. We did have a nice time, he is attractive and has a reasonably ok personality so far (only one date, remember), but he does do things that make it hard for me to see a long-term future with him, plus, I do not feel 'fireworks' per se and dating should be fun. Rather, I'm getting increasingly frustrated with him, due to the long paragraphs of messages he sends without any questions, the lack of wanting to get to know me, and unilaterally choosing things on his own.. such as, that he really wants to see a particular movie, however, doesn't even ask if that is something I want. Other things as well.

I think you’ve answered your own question really, then. Time to cut ties by the sounds of it. Kindly…

Ghosting isn’t abusive! It’s rude, childish and unnecessary, but not abusive
Bloody hell

I think they were saying “ghosting is FOR abusive behaviour” as in, if someone is abusive it is acceptable to ghost them…

Your guts telling you that you don't feel quite right with this one. Listen to it. I ignored my gut feelings last year and experienced the worst relationship ever and I ended up in therapy. Not to say that this guy is anything like that. But we tend to ignore what we already know. Good luck. I'd just say to him politely you don't feel this is working for you and want to concentrate on yourself.

@Autumnchills415 I'm really sorry to hear this. You are dead right about me just wanting to focus on myself really. Do you think his behaviour is remotely abusive, like emotionally? Or red flag for a bad partner? But like you probably would agree - it's hard to tell, but obviously something doesn't feel right.

I am 34 and my friends who are also in their 30s and attempting to find a guy are all in the same boat. I shared a meme yesterday on Facebook that said relationships worked 25 years ago because we were not texting our exes at 2am..we were not messaging 50 people in one week instead of focusing on the one. We were not lining up more options whilst already in a relationship. 25 years ago we were not constantly making our partners compete for our love.

It's so true. The world of online dating and social media has made people greedy fake and too busy..I believe alot of us are struggling to find that person who's not after sex and wants to commit. So many of my friends get ghosted after 6 weeks..or 2 months into spending every weekend with some guy he spills he's not over his ex and can't commit yet.

It's truly awful. I have this new thing that I'm going to let it naturally happen and if I can't meet anyone through friends or going out or walking out and about then I'll accept it. I just know sadly now how bad relationships are when they are online centered. It just often ends in disappointing circumstances. It's rare it's a success. What do you think? Do you feel he's after one thing?

See this bit right here? That's all you needed to say. The presence of a tattoo and lack of a degree are very important to you. When any poster suggested that you were perhaps being judgemental, you defended your right to be put off by these features. Own it. You aren't that into him, as the saying goes. But don't 'ghost' him. That is rude and unnecessary. Let him know he's not for you and leave like an adult.

Try rereading my post, mate. I said ghosting is FOR abusive behaviour. It's what you do when you feel unsafe, or in the face of truly outrageous behaviour, it's not for when you decide someone isn't the right fit for you. That necessitates an adult conversation.

@Autumnchills415 you're absolutely right. Even if you do meet someone who seems great, they could just use some app to find someone else because for some stupid reason. Or, that they're so fake busy like you say. Modern dating is detached and completely strange, and in fact, exhausting. There is no responsibility either - people just act however they want. Hard to say what he wants, I don't really care if I'm being honest because I'm not confident it'll work.

You seem to be looking for negatives in his behaviour and elevating them as if you need to to justify ending the 'relationship'. You've had what, one maybe 2 dates? Juts tell him ur not feeling it and move on. But stop looking to label him abusive ffs

I’ll be honest - you both sound a bit odd. Can’t understand this level of drama. Just say “this isn’t working for me” and end it. It’s really not this complicated.

You make it sound hard work. You say it's one date but you've also had sexual chats before the date. Does that not imply you might well be up for sex early on? If you don't want to see him just say so to him and move on. Too much drama.
I agree with the pp who said 20 years ago we didn't have all this rubbish!!

That sounds a ridiculous amount of drama for one date. Yes. I'd not bother with another.

I wouldn't 'ghost' him though. I'd message saying I really didn't want another date. Wish him the best blah blah.

@IncompleteSenten sorry, can I ask what drama you are referring to? I don't think it's necessarily the drama issue but us just not compatible.

I just want to meet someone face to face. Like out walking or at the school gates. I get a little nervous about online vs real life. If they've seen me for real they are making a genuine judgement. If they are judging me by texts and photos they might be creating something that's not real. That's where we all are going wrong these days. We can't separate reality from online and its creating a generation of players