Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Iv upset my partner, advice please

46 replies

Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 13:42

I (35) was showing my bf (37) a video on my phone the other day when a message flashed up from an old fwb that iv seen on and off since I was 15. He was asking me if I fancied meeting him for sex. My bf saw it and was obviously shocked. I showed him all previous messages in which I told him I now had a bf and couldn't see him anymore. My bf says he is showing me a lack of respect by keeping on asking me when he knows I'm taken. He's asked me to tell him to leave me alone.

This guy was never a friend, it has always been about sex and my bf is amazing and I love him so much but he's not happy. I have 5 or 6 old fwb's that still text occasionally. I would never cheat but should I cut them all off?

OP posts:
Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 02/09/2022 13:43

How long have you and your bf been together?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2022 13:47

If you don’t cut them off are you keeping them on the back burner in case you and this one split up? How would you feel in your boyfriend’s shoes?

Original poster
Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 13:59

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 02/09/2022 13:43

How long have you and your bf been together?

10 months nearly.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 02/09/2022 14:08

Why on earth have you still got so many FWBs texting you?!

You've been with your boyfriend for 10 months it is completely inappropriate!

If this was the other way round everyone would be saying to get rid of your boyfriends cheating arse!

PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2022 14:10

Are they actual friends or just people you have sec with?

Original poster
Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 14:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2022 13:47

If you don’t cut them off are you keeping them on the back burner in case you and this one split up? How would you feel in your boyfriend’s shoes?

Yes that is what my bf said. Iv only had 1 relationship before, that lasted 14 years but i was so miserable and I stayed for my 2 children. My ex moved us 300 miles away, away from my family etc. No friends. So when we split I moved back and just wanted sex so ended up on tinder and was having lots of casual sex. I met my bf on there. He refused to become a fwb and made me realise what I'm worth. Within a month I stopped seeing everyone else. My bf is the most important person to me apart from my 2 kids. I'm just not used to being treated well, to be put 1st etc. I can't screw this up.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2022 14:11

That should have said “are they all actually friends?” Posted too soon. If you’re in a relationship of ten months that this one knows about, I’m surprised he’s texting you and you aren’t annoyed by that.

Original poster
Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 14:12

PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2022 14:10

Are they actual friends or just people you have sec with?

Guys I used for sex. Nothing more.

OP posts:
HeythereDelilah101 · 02/09/2022 14:13

I’d cut them off if my bf asked me to! If he was doing something that made you feel uncomfortable you would expect him to stop… so yeah you should just cut them off. If they’re not friends then what does it matter

PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2022 14:14

Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 14:12

Guys I used for sex. Nothing more.

Show quote history

I don’t get why you haven’t already cut them off if that’s the case.

Original poster
Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 14:14

PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2022 14:11

That should have said “are they all actually friends?” Posted too soon. If you’re in a relationship of ten months that this one knows about, I’m surprised he’s texting you and you aren’t annoyed by that.

He's just like that. I was in a 14 year relationship and he would check in with me every so many months to see if I was still attached.

OP posts:
satelliteheart · 02/09/2022 14:18

If they're not actual friends, just men you slept with, then it's really disrespectful to your boyfriend to still be messaging them. If they're not your friends then what do you even have to say to each other? If this was the other way round everyone would be telling you to leave a man who wouldn't stop texting past fwb

Derbee · 02/09/2022 14:21

I think it’s pretty bad that you haven’t cut them off already. I wouldn’t be happy in your boyfriend’s position - it looks like keeping options open and I wouldn’t accept that from a boyfriend personally

EverythingHeadinSouth · 02/09/2022 14:22

I think your BF is showing clear signs of being an arse. I get that seeing the message must have been a shock for him but you've proved to him it was just a speculative reach-out from an old flame/fwb. That should have been enough for him.

I'm always wary of men who play the "he's disrespecting you" card in this sort of situation. You are an adult. It is up to you to decide if someone is disrespecting you or not and how you wish to deal with it. You don't need him to dictate to you. The reality almost certainly is that it is all about your BF's ego and sense of ownership than him giving a shit about you being shown respect.

Scorpio8 · 02/09/2022 14:25

Cut them off completely.

hewouldwouldnthe · 02/09/2022 14:28

Cut them out and delete and block their numbers on all SM. If this relationship breaks down casual sex partners are easy to get.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/09/2022 14:35

I would text them all to say 'I'm in a relationship now & not available for casual sex, so please don't contact me. If anything changes I'll be sure to let you know'

then if they contacted me again (beyond OK type thing) I'd block them.

new FB's are easy to get, for sure, but existing ones are good because they're safer & presumably you're sexually compatible, there's a lot to be said for that, especially these days.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 14:38

of course you should cut them off, how are you even confused about that? :/

Ohahjustalittlebit · 02/09/2022 14:50

Block them asap. DO not make him doubt you now or you could lose him.

MzHz · 02/09/2022 14:53

EverythingHeadinSouth · 02/09/2022 14:22

I think your BF is showing clear signs of being an arse. I get that seeing the message must have been a shock for him but you've proved to him it was just a speculative reach-out from an old flame/fwb. That should have been enough for him.

I'm always wary of men who play the "he's disrespecting you" card in this sort of situation. You are an adult. It is up to you to decide if someone is disrespecting you or not and how you wish to deal with it. You don't need him to dictate to you. The reality almost certainly is that it is all about your BF's ego and sense of ownership than him giving a shit about you being shown respect.

This is where I got to.

the bf saying “you’re taken”

after 9 months? It’s not even a long relationship at this point. When I was dating I wouldn’t expect any kind of guaranteed relationship until at least a year.

beware @Samantha87 this is a flag. Not sure yet what colour it is, but he knew who you were when he met you, this claiming business doesn’t sit right with me.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 14:58

MzHz · 02/09/2022 14:53

This is where I got to.

the bf saying “you’re taken”

after 9 months? It’s not even a long relationship at this point. When I was dating I wouldn’t expect any kind of guaranteed relationship until at least a year.

beware @Samantha87 this is a flag. Not sure yet what colour it is, but he knew who you were when he met you, this claiming business doesn’t sit right with me.

Show quote history

Oh for gods sake it's a figure of speech to say they're exclusive, at 9 months in to a relationship you're in the honeymoon phase (or should be) having other men (or women if the sexes were reversed) messaging your oh looking for sex is so disrespectful and If my now husband had been getting messages like that and didn't put a stop to it there and then I'd have been thinking he was playing games and i doubt we would have stayed together.

Watchkeys · 02/09/2022 15:06

Cut them off if you want to. Let your boyfriend decide if he's happy with your decision in his partner, or whether he would prefer to be with someone who would choose differently. It's ok for him not to like it, it's not ok for him to try to get you to do something you don't want to do. It's up to him to decide where to draw the line, but it's not ok for him to continually punish you for doing something you want to do.

Do you think it's appropriate to be in a committed relationship, and still in contact with people you only have sex with? That's the question, really.

spareroomtears · 02/09/2022 15:07

I just don’t get why you wouldn’t cut them off?

if you only use them for sex like you say & you don’t want to have sex with them then why not just cut them off? :/

it feels like you’re just keeping them at arms length in case it doesn’t work out with your boyfriend but if that’s the impression I get as a stranger on the internet your boyfriend will certainly also get the same impression.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 15:12

He shouldn't have had to ask you to tell this man to leave you alone. You should have blocked him before now.

theemmadilemma · 02/09/2022 15:25

Look there's nothing wrong with having had a range of FWB, but when you're in a serious relationship, you put the word out. "Hey, I'm in a serious relationship, so this contact isn't on. Have a nice life, bye."

Done, and no one has to have any surprises or this shit. Not sure why you wouldn't have already done that, so I see your bf's upset.